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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect this couple to have spoken English when I was with them

151 replies

OrlandoWoolf · 16/11/2013 19:46

I was doing some work in a client's house today. Both clients were from abroad but they could both speak good English. When I was doing the work, I could hear them speaking in their native language.

I asked later if they wanted more work doing at another time. They then spoke in their language for a bit (not the first time they'd done that when I was there and with them) before answering me in English.

I do feel a bit strange when such things happen. It's happened at some other places I have worked at where conversations have happened around me in a native language.

AIBU to expect people who can speak English to speak English when I was with them?

OP posts:
tobiasfunke · 20/11/2013 13:30

I thought you were being a BU at first but after you qualification of it I think you weren't at all. What they did was rude.

I have a Polish friend and when her friends are there they often talk in Polish. She always switches the conversation back to English ASAP as she thinks it is really bad manners because it makes me or her other English speaking friends feel left out. But then she is a lovely person.

redshifter · 20/11/2013 17:19

Gruntfuttock

redshifterIt's very puzzling. Grumpasaurus is the second

Yes, I noticed the first post using "Anglophone". It irritated me. But when I saw it the second time I just had to comment.
I hate to comment on someones grammar or spelling or use of words, even when it makes a post impossible to understand. However when someone seems to want to insult someone else but then makes no sense, it is too much for me.
What did they think they were saying? It confuses me. Were they trying to be clever and failed badly?

Do you think they meant "xenophobe" maybe?

Should be funny but I find it too annoying. Grin

redshifter · 20/11/2013 17:23

Anglophobe not phone.

Typo. Blush Grin

digerd · 20/11/2013 17:29

If one cannot speak english very well then OK but as you say both speak english very well and they know you do not speak/understand their native language, it is rude. Especially as they were discussing a reply to your question which involved you.

Grumpasaurus · 21/11/2013 00:12

I meant to write xenophobe. I think someone had written t earlier on, and it must have stuck in my head.

My point remains the same, though. If you are in someone else's house and they choose to discuss something amongst themselves in their native tongue, it really doesn't affect you.

If they start talking to you in their native tongue, however...

JessieMcJessie · 21/11/2013 01:05

Surely what happened here is that the child felt a bit awkward when asked if she wanted more lessons and so (misguidedly) switched to the native language to make some point to her Mum (Mum, do I really have to? It's netball practice on
Tuesdays") Or the Mum wanted to save the daughter's self consciousness by asking her in the other language if she was really sure. It was a mistake to do it this way instead of going to another room, but I suspect it was directly due to one of the people being a child and not having such well developed social awareness.

aurynne · 21/11/2013 07:03

"Like I said, I'm just a very sensitive person with low self-esteem and who worries a lot. Probably why I quit teaching as I know I was talked about then by the parents, head etc"

OP, this is all the reason you need to understand why many people are saying YABU. It is all a matter of your own insecurities and the huge chip in your shoulder you seem to have about people "talking about you". Let me assure you that 99.99% of people you think are talking about you, couldn't really give a damn about you. They are talking about their own issues and minding their own business.

I can't believe you think people should change the language they speak to one another, in their own home, just because you happen to be around and you may believe they are talking about you if they do. Your own insecurities are nobody else's problem, just yours.

And by the way, you quit teaching because you are indeed a very insecure person, not because you "know" people were talking about you. Nobody was. It is all in your head.

isme10 · 21/11/2013 07:41

I agree OrlandoWoolf...people "don't need to be so rude on here". I am really surprised how uptight and personl people get in response to a general question.

In response to this question I have to say that I do think YABU.

I live in a non English speaking country. Can speak the language but nearly always in circs. involving local speaker/tradesman working in our house or whatever, I will speak with my OH in English and then, naturally, break it down for the local speaker if necessary but not if its just conversation between ourselves.

Equally when I am in the reverse situation working somewhere thats what the locals do to me and its really no problem.

Being a good English speaker still doesn't give foreigners the capacity to say EXACTLY what they want to say so its natural to converse clearly with each other in their own language. I also understand how frustrating/tiring it can be trying to keep up in a foreign language especially when you are working at the same time.

schokolade · 21/11/2013 08:25

There was a time when I would have said YANBU OP. And I still think to an extent YANBU.

But since moving to a different country where I can speak the language, it is very, very difficult to speak to DH in it (even though it his native tongue). I don't really know why this is and do try not to do it. But remembering is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Rockhopper1 · 21/11/2013 15:29

If the OP has had the misfortune to encounter many people in real life who :

  1. don't take the trouble to listen to her properly / read her posts properly

  2. address her in the hectoring , unpleasant tone adopted aurynne & others on this thread I'm not a bit surprised she has low self esteem .

Genuinely appalled . Kindness costs nothing .

NadiaWadia · 21/11/2013 15:52

In fact when people speak their own language in front of someone else sometimes it may be innocent but often it is specifically to comment on something to do with the third person who they think cannot understand them. I know this from trips to France and Quebec. A lot of French-speaking people seem to imagine that English speakers cannot possibly understand French! (Don't they know most of us study it in school).

So yes it is rude in the extreme, to suddenly switch to your own language in front of the other person, without explaining/apologising first. Even if what they are saying is harmless, they should know that the other person will feel uncomfortable.

Some of the responses on here have been very odd.

sOODdragon · 21/11/2013 15:56

YABU about the private conversation they were having but I think YANBU about when they were discussing you/your work.

LucySnoweShouldRelax · 21/11/2013 16:07

A version of this happens to me at my work. I'll often describe products, or items on a menu to a couple/group of friends, they'll make their decision in their native language between them, and then tell me their order in English. Would not occur to me to be offended, in the slightest.

I say this as someone absolutely guilty of talking about people/things in Irish in public places if I don't want to be understood, though. (Very rarely, if ever, if there are English friends in the group too though.)

candycoatedwaterdrops · 21/11/2013 16:36

This thread is incredibly nasty. OP asked if she was being U, people said she was, she accepted it and explained why she felt the way she did. She was not rude or in any way, impolite but some of the replies, are just shocking. Really fucking unnecessary to behave in such a way on a thread about a fairly innocuous topic! Angry

NadiaWadia · 21/11/2013 16:39

Yes, and she wasn't BU anyway.

JackShit · 21/11/2013 16:42

Agreed. OP yanbu.

hellokittymania · 21/11/2013 16:53

YABU.

I speak 7 languages and can get very slow speaking a foreign language if tired. Learn a bit of their language if you feel uncomfortable. :) It might also help you realise how hard thinking in a second language is, even if you speak it well.

Mintyy · 21/11/2013 17:01

I have had a thread like this before and was similarly roundly flamed and told I was bvvvu etc Grin.

But I don't think I was and I don't think you are either op! It is just common manners, surely, not to talk about something in a language that the other person in the conversation doesn't understand?

Or perhaps manners don't, for some reason, apply to people who are bi lingual or multi lingual Confused.

coffeeinbed · 21/11/2013 17:16

Thinking in a second or third language should not be hard.
It comes naturally if you're fluent.

hellokittymania · 21/11/2013 17:25

Minty, I have lived in countries where I had to learn the language. Many times, I've had to just with not understanding...or failing to understand what is said back in English if someone speaks a bit. My native language is English, and my brain gives up if I have to speak in a foreign language all day. It really is very tiring.

Jinsei, I learned Vietnamese well enough to be studying translation and bahasa, Thai and Khmer at a basic level. I am visually impaired and had no books that I could see well enough to read.

Most foreigners I meet (non english speaking countries) can speak a few languages.

Mintyy · 21/11/2013 17:28

Yes, no need to worry about manners if you are tired.

hellokittymania · 21/11/2013 17:30

Coffee not to me Grin

I get very confused with Thai and khmer, italian and spanish. I was told by head of translation couerse that speaking so many languages is both a blessing and a curse. Very true.

hellokittymania · 21/11/2013 17:37

Minty if you go abroad though you will not understand everything. I also know how many years it took to learn the languages and even with the "good ones" I make mistakes.

fedupandfifty · 21/11/2013 17:37

We get this in Wales a lot. You go to a caff, say, where the assistants are speaking Welsh, you ask, in Welsh, for what you want and the assistant answers in English, even though you've asked in Welsh. Why? It's something to do with the subconscious, and there's a technical term for it. It's probably the same thing with your clients: they speak their language naturally with each other so speaking another language - even though they're perfectly capable so probably feels strange and unnatural to them. I'm sure nothing was meant by it, and unless you feel they were setting out deliberately to offend you, you are BU.

BackOnlyBriefly · 21/11/2013 17:39

I find it a little rude - it depends on the circumstances. but if you think about it speaking in your own language is such a natural thing to do. I doubt people who do it think of it that way and I wouldn't hold it against them.

I think if people do it deliberately so as to talk about the other person in the room then that IS rude. Doesn't matter if it's their own house or not. It's potentially embarrassing too if your guest turns out to understand what you said.

It's probably polite to say "excuse me" before launching into the private conversation. Just as you would if you took a call in the middle of speaking to a visitor.