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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect this couple to have spoken English when I was with them

151 replies

OrlandoWoolf · 16/11/2013 19:46

I was doing some work in a client's house today. Both clients were from abroad but they could both speak good English. When I was doing the work, I could hear them speaking in their native language.

I asked later if they wanted more work doing at another time. They then spoke in their language for a bit (not the first time they'd done that when I was there and with them) before answering me in English.

I do feel a bit strange when such things happen. It's happened at some other places I have worked at where conversations have happened around me in a native language.

AIBU to expect people who can speak English to speak English when I was with them?

OP posts:
sue52 · 16/11/2013 21:05

They were in their own home speaking to each other as you were tutoring their child so then it was entirely natural for them to use their mother tongue. When they were discussing you and their future need of your services, they would have been more polite to switch to English. It's not a big deal and nothing for you to feel slighted over.

Original poster
OrlandoWoolf · 16/11/2013 21:06

More attacks.

I have done a lot of travelling to a wide range of countries.

But I have said that IABU.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrlandoWoolf · 16/11/2013 21:11

In fact- I slightly altered the situation so as to disguise it.
The conversation took place between the daughter and the mum. The mum asked me how it went and I fed back .The daughter told her mum what we'd done and how useful it had been. So the conversation was happening between us in perfect English.

I then asked about if she wanted more and then the native language happened. After we'd all been talking in English.

OP posts:
BornThisCrazy · 16/11/2013 21:13

Well I will go against the grain here and say YANBU.

It is rude to speak a different language infront of someone who cannot understand it. Its natural to feel paranoid they may be speaking about you whether you have insecurities or not.

Fwiw my parents are originally from a different country, but I was born here and speak several languages. My DH and I both speak the same native language, and use both that and English in the home.

However it is strictly English with English-speakers, whether they are included in the conversation or simply within earshot. Once or twice whilst having a workman, or midwife/health visitor in the room, I have forgotten and spoken to DH in our mother tongue. He replied back in English which helped me realise because it wasnt deliberate. OP I would feel uncomfortable too but perhaps the couple didnt realise how it made you feel.

DH is particularly evangelical about this as he worked at a place where there was a majority of gujrati speaking colleagues and he felt really left out in conversations. He eventually had to tell them he wasnt happy and they were shocked as had thought nothing of it.

Annunziata · 16/11/2013 21:16

I think in the exact situation you describe YABU, they were obviously speaking about money/ how worthwhile the lessons are and felt more comfortable to do it in a language you don't understand.

I can understand why you felt uncomfortable though.

TicTocCroc · 16/11/2013 21:16

I think YABU. I have some Eastern European friends who are lovely and always make an effort to speak with me. Sometimes when I'm at their house they have exchanges in their own language, it doesn't bother me.

I have also been to a party at their house with mostly guests from their country and it hasn't bothered me that I can't understand their conversations. They are friendly, they smile and make me feel included and ask me question in English. BUt if they want to speak to each other in their own language that is A OK by me.

lalouche · 16/11/2013 21:29

"de facto rudeness of 2 people openly discussing YOU (IE NOT simply a conversation they were having and entirely separately to you) in front of you and about you, and using multi-lingual skills to do so."

But if you don't understand the language, how do you know whether they are talking about you or not?! In your own home, you should be making visitors of whatever stripe feel comfortable, not making them
wonder what you might be saying about them in a language they don't understand.

In the case of the OP, if the family speak perfect English, then the only reason to switch languages at that point really was to say something that they didn't want the OP to understand. I would never dream of speaking my mother tongue in that kind of situation - height of bad manners imo. If they wanted to talk about something without the OP hearing, they needed to say 'I'm sorry we'll need to discuss that later between ourselves and let you know', not play language games.

someonestolemynick · 16/11/2013 21:31

YANentirelyBU

I work as a German tutor in London, so I can sort of see where you are coming from.

Of course you can't expect them to speak in English when you are getting on with the lesson and they are talking in the background.

The situation you are describing is different though, they cut you off mid-conversation to discuss you. There would have been several ways to have that conversation without making you feel uncomfortable.

Luckily this has never happened to me, and I might have very well fired them from my client list.

TheDoctrineOfWho · 16/11/2013 21:39

Hang on.

It wasn't the parents speaking their native tongue, it was the DD and her mum?

The DD who is receiving the English lessons?

coffeeinbed · 16/11/2013 21:47

Could have been English lessons.
Could have been piano, chemistry, or crochet. I don't think OP said what she's tutoring.

Still rude.

OddFodd · 16/11/2013 21:47

Of course it's rude! They switched to a language they thought you (probably) couldn't understand so that they could talk about you in front of you. It's rude and possibly a bit dangerous

I was working with some people last week who switched to their native language when I was doing something else which I do understand because it's easier but I think it's rude. What they didn't know is that I could understand everything they were saying because I'm fluent in that language. They were a bit shocked when I joined in the conversation but I think it was a good lesson ;)

Vikki88 · 16/11/2013 21:50

That's so rude so YANBU at all! It doesn't matter what the language is, if everyone can speak one common language then that's the language that you speak!

ElkTheory · 16/11/2013 21:51

I'm not sure why the OP changed the details, nor why it matters whether it was the parents or the mother and daughter speaking their native language.

It seems from the first post that the OP is uncomfortable about people speaking their native language in her presence in other circumstances, not just this particular instance ("I do feel a bit strange when such things happen. It's happened at some other places I have worked at where conversations have happened around me in a native language.") But why? If the conversation involves you, surely the other people would at some point translate the relevant information for you? And if it doesn't involve you, then what does it matter?

GrendelsMum · 16/11/2013 21:53

Mmmm, to be honest, I think you probably put them in a rather awkward situation by asking them to decide in front of you whether to continue to employ you.

In general, I think that their behaviour wouldn't be polite, but I think it was probably a very natural response to being put on the spot.

exexpat · 16/11/2013 21:57

I lived abroad for years in places where I spoke the local language, but I would often switch back to English to talk to DH or the children, even if other people are around - it's what bilingual people do without thinking.

You tend to associate a particular person with a particular language, so if you are addressing them, your brain automatically switches to that language. It's very hard to remember not to do it when it is deeply ingrained.

SaucyJack · 16/11/2013 21:58

I wonder if some of the posters on here have read the OP properly?

Personally, I think it would be very rude to switch to a different language in order to discuss a person who was sitting right there in front of you.

TheDoctrineOfWho · 16/11/2013 21:59

You're right, she didn't say what she was teaching.

I assumed that any tutoring other than English would have been in the native language but that's possibly wrong.

coffeeinbed · 16/11/2013 22:02

Well, she said they already speak good English.
And If she would have been tutoring in the native language she would have understood everything they said.

I'm confusing myself here! Grin

TheDoctrineOfWho · 16/11/2013 22:05

Sorry, I meant if you were choosing a chemistry tutor you'd probably pick one who spoke the native language...Hence thinking it was English being taught!

I also think if the DD is under 18, the dynamic of how she speaks to her mother in her own home is a bit different to how two adults might do so in front of the OP

coffeeinbed · 16/11/2013 22:08

Not necessarily, bilingual children, esp. teens very often prefer the language of the country they are in.
It's a funny thing, language.

Original poster
OrlandoWoolf · 16/11/2013 22:19

Maths. And I have no problem with people who speak their native language here as someone implied. But it was literally a mid conversation switch.

OP posts:
SkinnedAlive · 16/11/2013 22:25

I also think they were very rude. And probably knew it. They deliberately excluded OP in the middle of a conversation so they could speak about her right in front of her face. Good tutors are hard to find so their loss if OP decides she doesn't want to go back. Its also a dangerous presumption to make that OP would not understand what they were saying.

Jinsei · 16/11/2013 22:26

I lived abroad for years in places where I spoke the local language, but I would often switch back to English to talk to DH or the children, even if other people are around - it's what bilingual people do without thinking.

^this. Bilingual people sometimes switch languages without even realising that they've switched. It's second nature. Occasionally DH gets caught out and speaks the wrong language to the wrong person, and then looks bemused as to why they don't understand him.

I think you're being way too sensitive, OP. Just don't take it personally!

ElkTheory · 16/11/2013 22:27

Code-switching. It's very common among us bilingual/multilingual folk.

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 · 16/11/2013 22:28

YABU - I can speak the language of the Country I live, my DP is from that Country so obviously is fluent but we still mostly speak English to each other. Mostly because it's easier and quicker to do so and also out of habit - which I presume is all that happened in the case of the OP