to expect this couple to have spoken English when I was with them

[OrlandoWoolf]

I was doing some work in a client's house today. Both clients were from abroad but they could both speak good English. When I was doing the work, I could hear them speaking in their native language.

I asked later if they wanted more work doing at another time. They then spoke in their language for a bit (not the first time they'd done that when I was there and with them) before answering me in English.

I do feel a bit strange when such things happen. It's happened at some other places I have worked at where conversations have happened around me in a native language.

AIBU to expect people who can speak English to speak English when I was with them?

YABU. If they spoke their native language to each other, that is entirely up to them. They are probably so used to speaking their language to each other that they do so automatically. Once you establish a relationship with someone in one language, it can be very difficult to switch. As long as they spoke to you directly in English, I don't understand where the problem lies.

Orlando - I think you are reading too much into it and letting your insecurity lead you astray. They slipped into their native tongue as people do all over the world - that is all.

I've got massive insecurities. It's never happened to me before like that and it just felt strange being talked about in front of me and having no idea what they were saying.

If you were their friend out on a night out it might be a tad rude, however you were their employee and that is their home, so they would naturally speak their own language. My husband speaks his own language among his friends a lot though, even if I am there, as it is weird for numerous people to all be speaking broken english just to please one person- but we know each other well, dip in and out of the conversation, and if I come in and want to know what they are chatting about, I just ask.

In this situation I think it's fine.

How funny.

So, to get this straight....when a workman, as Aphra says, is putting me some shelves up or something, I should actually speak to dd (with whom I speak English, even though we don't live in England) in the workman's language? So he doesn't feel insecure?

Okaaaaay.

Not going to happen.

YABridiculouslyU. (in whatever language you choose)

Native English speakers do this to non-English speakers all the time.

I was itching to post this! English speakers are the worst! Orlando, I'm sorry to hear you're so twitchy about other people, but try and imagine what you'd do ... If you're on holiday in another country and the waiter's standing by to take your order, do you discuss it with your companion in the waiter's home language?

I think YABU. They can speak whatever they like together in their own home. Maybe it was a bit tactless doing it right in front of you, but again, they are clients and not friends. Me and my partner have done stuff like this many times. Yes, we could say we'll go aside to speak before starting the conversation, but it is just quicker to take it there and then. It would feel very odd for us to discuss in another language than we normally do. We would never do it in a social setting though, as then it would feel rude. Then we stick to the language everyone can speak.

My lecturers speak to each other in Welsh, and they speak to the three or four of us on the course who also speak Welsh, in Welsh at times - just because it's easier and more natural. Some of the others complain about it and say it's rude and feels like they're being spoken about, but they never are - sometimes it's just easier to pass on individual instructions and discuss things in a native language.

I don't understand this paranoia people have that if someone is speaking a different language, they must be saying something bad about you...

OK - I get most of you think IABU. It just felt odd. That's all. But I get it.

Well, perhaps it wasn't very tactful to ask them straight out if they wanted more tutoring?

If it was the last session you could have said it's the last session, DC has done well on ... But I feel they could benefit from more ... I will email you or call you on to see if you'd like to continue.

Tutoring is probably something they'd like to discuss together or with the child first, rather than deciding on the spot?

Did they book you for more sessions?

Yabu. You were tutoring their daughter. They let you do your job, and meanwhile, for them life carried on as normal, and they spoke in their common language.
Perhaps they could have swapped to English when discussing their future tutoring needs, but they could have private reasons not to do so, as it could have involved private engagements.

If you were chatting after, then I dont see the problem. Also, they are not your friends, and you were not in a social situation, and this makes it different.

It was the first session. Most people normally continue regularly but this seemed like it may be a one off. So I just asked the question and they are going to get in touch. Which is fine. I just need to know about the slot as it's popular.

Are you a translator or an interpreter Aphra?

Because if you were a translator then you would be used to the written language and that would explain your attitude to using languages.

However, It would not explain your calling the OP names.

It's not always about paranoia, or thinking people are talking about you. Sometimes it's just about being excluded from a conversation and standing there feeling a bit awkward.

If they can speak good English, it's rude not to in this situation.

I suspect the reason English speakers "do it all the time" is because most don't speak any other languages.

YABU

English is not the only language. WTF should they change their family language to suit you?

Don't you just love AIBU?

I was not rude about them. I have not been rude to any other poster. I just posed a question to see what people thought. I have said that most people think IABU and that's fine.

I don't get why people need to be so aggressive.

Orlando I can see why it made you feel uncomfortable and that must have been unpleasant for you, I feel for you. But honestly I expect it was just easier for them. I've just come back from abroad where I speak a little bit of the language there and if I were talking to a shopkeeper, I'd sometimes turn to my DD and say, in English: 'he says it's 30 Euros for the small one but we can have a larger one for 5 euros more, what do you think?' With luck he didn't think 'I wonder if she is saying 'his goods look like rubbish, let's try next door!! ' but that's sort of the same thing, isn't it?

However now I come to think of it that did feel a little bit rude even as I was doing it. But almost unavoidable in some situations.

And yes I agree with OP that the tone of replies has been unnecessarily rude. Why do people do that? No need.

I think people can be very rude about this, and I am someone who has two mother tongues, and speaks 4 more quite well. Twice I have been in situations where the other two people in the room have discussed ME between themselves, in German, assuming that I couldn't understand them. Which was a bit foolish of them really, because I speak German really quite well. Neither time did I challenge their rudeness, but I'm less of a shrinking violet nowadays and would not let someone get away with that kind of behaviour again without a very sharp comment!

And for the record, if there are three adults in a room, I would NEVER speak in a language that only one of them could understand, if there was any alternative. In my book it is totally unacceptable behaviour.

I had a dutch friend who invited me to a party then sat in front of me speaking dutch to another dutch woman that she knew. I was bloody pissed off!

4 more *languages

Aphra:

'This kind of attitude makes you sound rather provincial and unsophisticated, I'm afraid.'

Really?

REALLY?

And from a post that begins with 'Get over yourself'

Oh, the irony... which has probably flown RIGHT over the Aphra uber 'sophisticated'and 'non-provincial' head

OP Suggest you file under IGNORE m'dear

The above that is, NOT the de facto rudeness of 2 people openly discussing YOU (IE NOT simply a conversation they were having and entirely separately to you) in front of you and about you, and using multi-lingual skills to do so. I would have assumed anyone of intelligence to be able to delineate between the two, and certainly would assume anyone of sophistication would also be aware of the simple manners and etiquette...

I do think it is dependent on the setting. At a party it is rude and I agree that the Dutch people were rude, toolittle. In a more businesslike setting, then I think it is okay (probably because I do it). Like the poster mentioned in the shop or when ordering services or stuff like that, I'd talk it quickly over with my partner in the language we usually speak. It feels more natural and it would seem odd to speak the other language or step aside for the minute or so it takes.

I do think that in their own home, the clients can speak whatever language they like. But I do understand your uncomfortableness a tiny bit.

I have been working in my current workplace for over ten years. About half of my colleagues speak a particular language. Some will regularly talk to each other in this language (but not just when I am around IYSWIM). At first I was a little unsure of the social etiquette as it is a place if work. But over the years, I have picked up quite a few words and phrases. I now can understand quite a lot if what might be said in general conversation.

I do quite enjoy chipping in, using English and the odd few words. Works a treat on new members of staff, agency staff, students etc. For some reason, the always seem surprised to hear a white English woman speaking Bengali / Sylheti.

I have only ever experienced English people expecting other native foreign language speakers to use English rather than their mother tongue, and play the 'its bad manners not to' card without a trace of irony.

I think you need to travel a bit more, OP