To expect the school to do something about ds being laughed at for wearing a Hello Kitty onsie?

[lecce]

He is 4 and wore it yesterday for Children in Need. The bloody thing is mainly white, and, for that reason mainly, I had tried to steer him in the direction of others, but he was adamant that was the one he wanted. He already has a plain pink lunchbox and pink Peppa Pig wellies and tells me he has had the odd comment about these being 'for girls', but he insists he doesn't mind. He is very shy but tells me he has told these children, 'Pink isn't just for girls!', though I do find it hard to imagine him saying this to a child he doesn't know well.

This morning he tells me that yesterday a few children laughed at him so he took off the onsie and spent most of the day in pyjamas. He had no dressing gown or slippers, as the onsie had covered feet, and tells me he was cold. He had to put the onsie back on to play out at lunchtime and more children laughed at him then. He has named two children from his class as being the main laughers when he was inside the school. He is 4, ffs. Why can't he wear what he likes? However, he does not really seem upset as such, and he says he didn't tell the teacher what was going on.

I am annoyed because the teachers didn't seem to be aware of what was going on. I know they can't help it if he doesn't tell them, but they should have been aware, imo, if the comments were enough to make him want to take it off. He is very happy with his wellies and lunchbox, so I feel there must have been quite a lot of comments this time. I teach in a secondary school and, of course, sometimes things like this go on without the teacher being aware, but I am sure 4 yr olds are a lot less subtle than teens! Also, I would expect a parent to bring something like this to my attention if I didn't notice it myself.

I am also a bit annoyed, though less so, that they didn't contact dh (they know he is a sahd) to bring in an alternative for him, to save him being cold and having a miserable lunchtime. I just feel that ds has had a bit of a pants day, when it should have been fun and he was so pleased with the onsie, and that I should do something about it.

On a similar topic, ds2 (yr2) tells me he regularly has, what he calls, 'mean comments' about his packed lunches - especially the fruit and Greek yogurt. He is capabale of standing up for himself, but says it's getting 'annoying'. I'm starting to feel this should be addressed too.

Dh thinks I'm being silly, but is starting to come around the more I go on. Tbh, though, I can't rely on him having a quick word with the teacher about this, as he will probably 'forget', so, if we do raise it, it will be me who does so, making it more formal as I will have to make an appointment.

AIBU to think it worth mentioning these issues, and to think that part of the role of primary school is to encourage kindness and tolerance amongst pupils?

Before anyone says there shouldn't be any consequences - i agree. There shouldn't.

But while there are i would want to protect my child from upset until they seemed ready to cope.

referring back to your op.

teachers and TAs have lunch in the staff room at my school, we deserve a lunch break but often spend it laminating, doing displays etc so not on the playground at all. the lunch supervisors are in charge and if your son didn't say anything then how would the teacher know.

I think you should have known that letting g him wear this outfit would have attracted comments and potential teasing. yes it's unfortunate but it was always on the cards.

you say yes shy? if he was a confident lad then he would have shrugged this off. you know he's not so perhaps should have realised he would be unhappy at any teasing.

all the studies in the workd don't alter the fact that some humans often pick on differences and are unpleasant.

adults and older kids are able to take this and bat it back, until your son is confident and able to do this then you need to protect him.

the lunch box thing is just daft. all the kids compare and comment in each other's lunches. completely normal.

I think when schools suppress children's need to socially normalise each other it can get worse, it goes underground and gets more subtle. What teachers desperately need to do, especially at this age, is to teach empathy and encourage tolerance at the same time accepting that they need to conform to a certain extent. Schools are too quick to set punishable rules about bullying which by their nature, undermine the concept of tolerance and inclusivity.

Whether that difference is because of something innate and physical (like being black or ginger or being short-sighted or using a wheelchair or being a girl) or invisible or less physical like a learning disability or being gay or liking to wear pink clothes or eat quinoa salad for lunch or having a mum who likes to colour her hair purple... none of that is an excuse for being horrible.

No, it isn't an excuse for being horrible.

But we need to be careful not to jump to the conclusion that a four year old is being horrible just because they comment on something that they have noticed. They are still learning about what are and are not acceptable things to comment on and they are still learning that sometimes comments can hurt someone else's feelings.

So when a parent like OP comes in saying x behaviour should not be tolerated it simply pushes them into being intolerant of children's natural behaviour.

mrsD - my last post was xpost with you, not a response to yours. I don't know why you are singling me out for your anger. I have met a teenager. I have 3. I am sorry for what you have experienced and i am sorry you have lost a daughter.

I fully agree that there should not be gender stereotyping - i am simply saying that sending a 4 year old boy into school in a onsie which is arguably 'girly' was perhaps naive.

I am saying that i feel there are better ways of dealing with the gender stereotype problem than just hoping for the best.

*Please explain how a young child grows into a confident teenager, able to be open about their non-stereotypical preferences if they are prevented from expressing them?

Do you think they will suddenly blossom and say 'yay, after years of being told I mustn't stick out from my peers by wearing the colours I like or playing with the toys I want, I now feel fully prepared to deal with those who think my new hairstyle is well gay'

Because we all know that years of crushing a child's natural instincts and creativity leads to open, confident and balanced teenagers, don't wewe*

This.

But i have not suggested 'years of crushing their natural instincts and creativity' as the way forward.

If i were to offer advice i would say that the pink wellies and lunch box seemed to go down at school ok, so fine, carry on. I would allow the boy to have whatever toys he fancied for xmas. I suppose if he was often showing leanings toward wearing 'girls' stuff at school i would have a talk to him about the fact that some kids may tease a bit, but that he has the right to wear what he likes.

However, i think that if it were me in the OP's situation i would have left this for a year or so. Maybe till he was 5? I think i would have steered him away from the onsie this time.

xposted again!

I agree there is no excuse for teasing or tormenting a child for being different.

Yes and by steering them away from things that may make them a target for teasing you are reinforcing the message that its not ok for them to like these things ams that they are wrong for liking them.

By supporting the status quo in this way you are part of this culture and you are perpetuating the problem.

On Upworthy this week, there was the story of Ruby Bridges who was the first black child in a newly desegregated school. I was blown away by her bravery and those of her parents and other supporters.

www.upworthy.com/a-6-year-old-girl-walked-into-a-school-and-500-kids-were-removed-because-of-it

I feel for you, OP, I think this sort of thing is really important and for me doing nothing wouldn't be an option.

A white onesie to school sounds mad, but YANBU to bring it up with his teacher.

This thread is vile. Why do we have to be so nasty to the op? I don't see it as some kind of crusade that she let her son wear what he wanted to wear. I don't think she knew this would happen, I certainly don't think she used him as her poster boy, or threw him to the wolves.

My dd is 5. She loves trains, cars, Fireman Sam, blue stuff. She has loved it since she was old enough to know what she liked/disliked. She has Thomas quilt covers, toilet seat (for when she was toilet training), Thomas step, outdoor table & chairs, rucksacks, umbrellas, socks, shoes, blanket, pillows that I have made for her, etc. For years I couldn't get her out of Thomas stuff. I have an issue now that she is outgrowing Thomas stuff, so am trying to source patches to put on her clothes so she can continue wearing Thomas! She wears boys pants because she loves Thomas so much that she wants to wear something with him on to school. This is her compromise. As well as the Thomas hair bands I made her.

On non uniform day she will wear her Thomas stuff.

I guess I am throwing her to the wolves. But I can categorically say that she isn't my 'poster boy' (or girl) because I don't have it in me to worry about what colour children should/shouldn't like.

And yes, she has been told by 5yr olds (and younger) that trains are boys toys, she tells them that they are not & that she is allowed to like & wear what she wants.

I think that the choice of toys, colours, favourite characters are built in the DNA of children!
What utter rot. See above as to why this isn't true!

The thing that strikes me when people say it's just kids being kids is that in my experience it's always the same, small group of kids who cruelly point out differences. If ds2 went into school wearing something 'girly' I know exactly which boys would take the piss out of him and which boys wouldn't notice and/or notice. If the majority can teach their dc to be tolerant and accepting of differences, why can't everyone?

'and/or care'

Well - i think i would have the steering without turning it into a boy/girl clothes issue. I would have said it was too expensive or what ever. If i wee worried they may bet bullied over it.

If it were my own child i would be better able to gauge if they were emotionally prepared for any silliness or bullying of course, rather than trying to guess about this about someone elses child on MN. If my child were totally blaze and confident i may well let them go ahead - at 4.

I'm not quite understanding why it was an issue yesterday and not when he has had previous comments regarding pink items. Yes, there may have been more comments yesterday because the onesie was more obvious than a lunchbox but the gender stereotyping issue is the same. Did you make the teacher aware of the previous comments?

Also, while I support you letting your ds wear whatever he likes, you knew that there had been previous comments so it would seem highly likely there would be some yesterday so it shouldn't have come as a surprise. Your ds sounds like it doesn't bother him really which is wonderful. Children like him will encourage other children to be confident in their choices.

Teasing in school is a good thing in terms of toughening up for the real world

Teasing isn't a good thing in schools. Unchecked it can soon become bullying behaviour.

How many people have had nasty stuff said to them/about them, only when they complained about it, were told "I was only teasing."

Because I have & it isn't nice. It felt like more than teasing & constant teasing can damage what self esteem a little kid of 5 has!

"by steering them away from things that may make them a target for teasing you are reinforcing the message that its not ok for them to like these things ams that they are wrong for liking them."

This. How on earth can people not see this?!

Demonising four year olds for pointing out what is simply around them all day every day isn't going to help.
Like I said, my DS would possibly say "hello kitty is for girls" to the OP's DS, despite my best efforts to dissuade him of any notions of gender stereotyping at home. Because from what he can see, hello kitty patently is for girls.
He's not a bully, he wouldn't be teasing, or being cruel, he would simply be stating something that he thinks is true. He's four. It's not his parents fault, and it's certainly not his fault.
And how will you be explaining to a four year old that him saying to a boy in pink that pink is for girls is naughty?

You can certainly try to stop children from laughing at other children, that's not nice.

and mrsdevere is right. if it was a girl wearing ben 10 the replies would be different. its ok for a girl to like boys things but not a boy to like girls things. reinforcing the idea that feminine is not ok, that girls and girls clothes and toys are inferior. its a crap state of affairs and it is hugely depressing that so many people are ok with this and dont see it as worthy of complaint or that we should challenge these stereotypes.

And indeed reinforce them by twatting on about how preferring transformers if you're a boy is "in the DNA". Grrrr.