To expect the school to do something about ds being laughed at for wearing a Hello Kitty onsie?

[lecce]

He is 4 and wore it yesterday for Children in Need. The bloody thing is mainly white, and, for that reason mainly, I had tried to steer him in the direction of others, but he was adamant that was the one he wanted. He already has a plain pink lunchbox and pink Peppa Pig wellies and tells me he has had the odd comment about these being 'for girls', but he insists he doesn't mind. He is very shy but tells me he has told these children, 'Pink isn't just for girls!', though I do find it hard to imagine him saying this to a child he doesn't know well.

This morning he tells me that yesterday a few children laughed at him so he took off the onsie and spent most of the day in pyjamas. He had no dressing gown or slippers, as the onsie had covered feet, and tells me he was cold. He had to put the onsie back on to play out at lunchtime and more children laughed at him then. He has named two children from his class as being the main laughers when he was inside the school. He is 4, ffs. Why can't he wear what he likes? However, he does not really seem upset as such, and he says he didn't tell the teacher what was going on.

I am annoyed because the teachers didn't seem to be aware of what was going on. I know they can't help it if he doesn't tell them, but they should have been aware, imo, if the comments were enough to make him want to take it off. He is very happy with his wellies and lunchbox, so I feel there must have been quite a lot of comments this time. I teach in a secondary school and, of course, sometimes things like this go on without the teacher being aware, but I am sure 4 yr olds are a lot less subtle than teens! Also, I would expect a parent to bring something like this to my attention if I didn't notice it myself.

I am also a bit annoyed, though less so, that they didn't contact dh (they know he is a sahd) to bring in an alternative for him, to save him being cold and having a miserable lunchtime. I just feel that ds has had a bit of a pants day, when it should have been fun and he was so pleased with the onsie, and that I should do something about it.

On a similar topic, ds2 (yr2) tells me he regularly has, what he calls, 'mean comments' about his packed lunches - especially the fruit and Greek yogurt. He is capabale of standing up for himself, but says it's getting 'annoying'. I'm starting to feel this should be addressed too.

Dh thinks I'm being silly, but is starting to come around the more I go on. Tbh, though, I can't rely on him having a quick word with the teacher about this, as he will probably 'forget', so, if we do raise it, it will be me who does so, making it more formal as I will have to make an appointment.

AIBU to think it worth mentioning these issues, and to think that part of the role of primary school is to encourage kindness and tolerance amongst pupils?

I think that we should be applauding the school and other parents because only a few children felt the need to comment negatively. The other 200 or so accepted it. You are never going to get 100% on anything because we can't control all the factors in other people's lives, we can only educate through our own behaviour and actions. I think 4 year olds do pretty well considering the barrage of marketing they are subjected to.

fluffyraggiesSat 16-Nov-13 11:35:17
I just don't think it's fair to send a young kid to school in clothes in which he will attract bullying. Save the crusading for older children (who have a choice) and adults.

He wasn't crusading, he just wore what he wanted. IMO the teacher should look out for this kind of bullying on a special clothes day. Some children will come in old tatty 'jamas, others buy special outfits for the day. Some DCs will take the opportunity to put others down, and it should be managed by the teacher.

Probably the teacher (rightly) didn't see it as an issue, but unfortunately has a few DCs in the class that need a reminder.

I'd hope that teachers at the school where I am governor, would have lied mentioned that their own boy, or nephew or something liked hello kitty, before the nonsense even started.

OMG this thread has gone a bit mad, I know feel the need to say.

*I'm with you OP He should be able to wear whatever colours he likes on a non-uniform day, and the other DCs were at fault for repeating the crp they are hearing at home teasing him.

That's all really.

In principal I agree and children should have the same choice as each other without questioning the gender stereotyping, but as a child that was teased and that teasing effected the adult I became and not in a good way the idea of knowing my 4 year old was going to be teased would be soul destroying. The changes need to be encouraged by us the adults so that choosing Hello Kitty would be the norm.
I have always had the rule of buying toys but never buying the clothing/ accessories that goes with them, my dc are not advertising boards. If as consumers we buy these with are encouraging the stereotyping that goes with these brands.

Nobody anywhere wanted boys told it is wrong to like Hello Kitty and pink, many people suggested pointing oyt other problems with the white onsie (dirt etc.) to protect a very small bowho is too young to need to deal with fighting ideological battles from teasing.

The school and individual teachers should have been trained to implement policies on bullying, sexism, racism and homophobia. This situation was predictable and the school/teacher should have pre-empted it. This would not be tolerated if it was based on race,eg mocking a white kid for wearing a turban.
Yes, OP. Complain. Grotesque sexism.

Yes, small kids will repeat the crap they hear/see regarding gender stereotyping. That's why I think, although the OP was unreasonable to assume the teacher should have done something about this without knowing what had happened, it wouldn't be unreasonable to have a chat about it now and see if the teacher could do a bit of work with the kids around this. If she's unlucky she'll get a "but most children are naturally attracted to a particular way of being in the world"...

"He wasn't on an ego-trip, just wearing what he sees as a fun outfit and, yes, I do expect him to be 'untroubled' when doing that, just like any other child"

Rot. You knew what was likely to happen.

By all means fight for your principles, but how about putting yourself in the firing line, not your 4 yo son.

So, to all those people who have berated me, cruel, irresponsible woman that I am, for sending to ds school like a lamb to the slaughter, please advise me on how I should proceed from here.

Do I go to ds's room now and remove all pink clothes? He doesn't have many as he's mainly in hand-me-downs and I am NOT on a crusade, and wasn't with ds1. Do I tell him he can't have the wellies/bags/pjs/slippers etc he likes, even though he is completely unexcited by those aimed at boys? Or does he only get plain ones (as long as they're not pink, of course), leaving the fun ones for children who like social acceptable characters? Do I throw away most of his Christmas presents (HK house, princess flip-flops, tiara - is Sylvanian families ok, or not)? Shall I replace with Spiderman or something else he doesn't like? Or, is it ok to have this stuff as long as he hides it at home - will keep a fake stash of boy stuff for playdates?

Can you imagine telling a 'typical' boy he can't have what he likes and forcing him to wear pink wellies, for example? Why should I do that to my son?

You shouldn't.

Thank fuck for MrsDevere and the other sensible posters. I felt slightly sick reading some of these comments. I have a sensitive 4yo Ds who is not completely comfortable with the socially conditioned gender-stereotyping of the average reception class and I worry about him be a target for unpleasantness. I find myself modifying my behaviour and trying to encourage him to do something different when the reality is, it is not him who has the problem!

Then the less emotional more thinking bit of me thinks the following:

1. It is never ok to be unpleasant to anyone at school.

1. To suggest a child has made him/herself a target is horrible victim blaming. It does not matter what the excuse is for unpleasant or unkind behaviour.

1. Tackling the anti-social behaviour at the time is the best thing for the subject of the unwanted attention and the perpetrator of the undesirable behaviour and to ignore it would be to do a massive disservice to both children.

I would go with my thinking brain on this one op and have a word along the following lines about both situations. You have my sympathy. It is horrible when your child is targeted and the reason why doesn't matter - it's still horrible regardless.

Yeah and you can really see where the bullying kids get their attitudes from...

LifeofPo it wasn't though was it, that is deliberately niave

choccy - when i said ''save the crusading'' i didn't mean i thought the little boy was crusading. I know the boy was only wearing what he fancied. I was referring to the crusade against gender stereotyping.

I agree with you completely with regards to the teachers responsibilities.

lecce its a non issue though really isn't it, as this situation is school specific. On non uniform days at uniformed school, especially "dress up" ones, the kids are all looking at each other's clothes, and the Onsie was obviously going very conspicuous under that specific spotlight- the same kids won't bat an eye at a pink T shirt or wellies that might well be a hand me down from a big sister/ cousin.

Mrs deVere hits the nail on the head.

So does the Op.

But the saddest post was preciousbane I didn't conform to the norm as I'm mixed race and this was the 1970's

Two issues here:

1. It's not OK to ridicule people who are different. Hopefully the school will pick up on this.

2. Gender stereotypes are not OK. No stereotypes are OK. Hopefully the school will also pick up on this, thought sadly, many teachers themselves believe in the pink/blue stereotypes.

Urge Op to have a word with the school, and give the teacher a chance. Teacher ought to have noticed, but we don't know what distractions were in play that day, and we're none of us perfect.

Good luck, Op. Sounds like you're raising a marvelous little boy.

I agree with Paleodad, MrsDeVere etc. I don't think the OP was conducting a bizarre gender experiment here. She let her son wear a white onesie with a small element of Hello Kitty branding because he liked it. Does that deserve teasing? No. Obviously the teacher can't spot everything, but I can't see why they would mind the OP telling them about the teasing so they could talk about playing nicely together.

My son who starts reception next year has no concept what is for boys or girls. He never talks about anything being for boys or girls. He isn't into pink or Hello Kitty, but he likes playing with tea sets and looking after "babies". I probably wouldn't really think that much about a white onesie if he liked it because it wouldn't have occurred to me that 4 year olds would be so aware of genderised clothing. I wouldn't even think I was being naive; it just wouldn't have crossed my mind.

Dear god, just go and mention it to the teacher and teach your DS that he should tell her/him if anything similar happens in future. Then they might actually be able to do something when it is relevant.

Lecce, no one is suggesting you stop allowing your son to play with what he likes.

Of course he should be encouraged to be who he wants to be and to feel confident with that.

But as you have acknowledged, differences will be commented on and it's down to you as the parent to deal with that. It's no different to any other difference a child might have and it's down to us as parents, and those of us that work with children to give them a belief that differences are positive, as long as its not done at the expense of conforming being a positive thing too.

I wouldn't suggest throwing all his xmas presents away, no

I would suggest that on the next few dressing up days at school you steer him away from obvious girly stuff ... until he is old enough/mature enough to cope with any consequences. Next year? Next month? i don't know. I don't know your DS. I don't see why this is such a big deal.

Sadly, this is just real life.

I was pretty shy as a child and have put up with all sorts of crap. I have learnt to stand up for myself and just laugh at other people/give it as good as I get. I am now the queen of comebacks...

If it were me, I would be telling DS that he can wear what he wants but people will always have an opinion and will sometime poke fun. Pink is traditionally a girl's colour but he can wear it if he wants but he must be prepared for a ribbing. I think this will serve him far better than teaching staff wading in to protect him. They can't be there all the time and most of us will experience prejudice (especially at work!) from narrow minded morons!

Best of luck to you both.

Actually MrTumble it is exactly that. He was being picked on for being different. Whether that difference is because of something innate and physical (like being black or ginger or being short-sighted or using a wheelchair or being a girl) or invisible or less physical like a learning disability or being gay or liking to wear pink clothes or eat quinoa salad for lunch or having a mum who likes to colour her hair purple... none of that is an excuse for being horrible.

We would not tolerate that behaviour in the workplace or even in the mainstream media so why is it ok in school? Surely we should be teaching them life skills and those include tolerance and empathy. I think that is just as significant, if not more so, than teaching our children to be robust and able to distinguish between comments that matter and those that do not.