To expect the school to do something about ds being laughed at for wearing a Hello Kitty onsie?

[lecce]

He is 4 and wore it yesterday for Children in Need. The bloody thing is mainly white, and, for that reason mainly, I had tried to steer him in the direction of others, but he was adamant that was the one he wanted. He already has a plain pink lunchbox and pink Peppa Pig wellies and tells me he has had the odd comment about these being 'for girls', but he insists he doesn't mind. He is very shy but tells me he has told these children, 'Pink isn't just for girls!', though I do find it hard to imagine him saying this to a child he doesn't know well.

This morning he tells me that yesterday a few children laughed at him so he took off the onsie and spent most of the day in pyjamas. He had no dressing gown or slippers, as the onsie had covered feet, and tells me he was cold. He had to put the onsie back on to play out at lunchtime and more children laughed at him then. He has named two children from his class as being the main laughers when he was inside the school. He is 4, ffs. Why can't he wear what he likes? However, he does not really seem upset as such, and he says he didn't tell the teacher what was going on.

I am annoyed because the teachers didn't seem to be aware of what was going on. I know they can't help it if he doesn't tell them, but they should have been aware, imo, if the comments were enough to make him want to take it off. He is very happy with his wellies and lunchbox, so I feel there must have been quite a lot of comments this time. I teach in a secondary school and, of course, sometimes things like this go on without the teacher being aware, but I am sure 4 yr olds are a lot less subtle than teens! Also, I would expect a parent to bring something like this to my attention if I didn't notice it myself.

I am also a bit annoyed, though less so, that they didn't contact dh (they know he is a sahd) to bring in an alternative for him, to save him being cold and having a miserable lunchtime. I just feel that ds has had a bit of a pants day, when it should have been fun and he was so pleased with the onsie, and that I should do something about it.

On a similar topic, ds2 (yr2) tells me he regularly has, what he calls, 'mean comments' about his packed lunches - especially the fruit and Greek yogurt. He is capabale of standing up for himself, but says it's getting 'annoying'. I'm starting to feel this should be addressed too.

Dh thinks I'm being silly, but is starting to come around the more I go on. Tbh, though, I can't rely on him having a quick word with the teacher about this, as he will probably 'forget', so, if we do raise it, it will be me who does so, making it more formal as I will have to make an appointment.

AIBU to think it worth mentioning these issues, and to think that part of the role of primary school is to encourage kindness and tolerance amongst pupils?

Good point noble

I think sometimes people are so excited that their child is "defying gender stereo typing " when in reality they have been suckered in to the adverts just like every other child.

And to be fair there are far far more adverts for la la loopsy, lelly Kelly , baby Annabelle, hello kitty, bracelet/charm making etc than there are for Lego or play mobile.

I'd be less worried about whether a bit liked a hello kitty toy than the fact that they think all girls want babies that cry lee and eat etc. Now that's something to really object to. That the girls roles are seen as mums.

I stand by my first post on this tbh. I want my DC to be confident more than anything. Growing that confidence is a mix of putting them in situations where they feel comfortable and can be confident and letting them face situations where they face adversity (because they will always face it somewhere) and then teaching them to deal with it. (That is not saying conform )

Your argument seems to be mainly about why the teacher didn't a) notice and b) deal with what you consider must have been obvious teasing because of yours son's actions.

What would you have wanted them to do? Tell off the individual boys. Stop all activities and run a diversity lesson. Phone SAHD and request alternative clothes (that would have provoked a completely new thread of how dare they tell us he can't wear.... )

I suggest you ask why they didn't notice what your son was doing. Is it because he seemed happy, didn't say anything ?

My DD frequently reports back on teasing or nasty jibes that other girls say. I could run in and ask teacher to speak to each girl in turn or I could tell DD strategies to deal with it. You are not describing a trend of gender stereotyping that needs tackling with a whole school strategy ....

When I reached the point about son2 being teased about his Greek yoghurt I did start to wonder exactly how many of your sons battles you are going to want to fight. Focusing on this one as a stereotyping/gender issue is probably garnering more support however

I thought I had said my last word on this but, SatinSandals do you really think that it's ok for extrovert, popular people to make unconventional choices but that if a child is more reserved, they need to just 'fit in' . Quiet and reserved, as has already been explained, doesn't always mean 'lacks confidence' and you don't need 'lots of friends' to be happy in your own skin.

Yet again, very sensible TiredDog.
I make no apologies for wanting my sons to fit in, be comfortable and have friends. I want to fit in myself. If I were to be a 'free spirit' and do exactly what I want to do, when I want to do it I would be labelled odd and would be avoided. We all live together, we need the society of other people. You may not like it, but it is the way it is. I am all for my sons, being themselves, if they understand it and can deal with the consequences without 'mother sorting it for them'.
Children tease. Children have to get on together, they have to learn to fall out, make up, share, stand up for themselves, not follow the herd, sort things out among themselves, distinguish real friendships from acquaintances, rub along with those they don't like etc without adults interfering.
The world is not a cosy place. Adults don't manage it and a child is going to find it very difficult if the get to adulthood having been completely sheltered and have no idea how to deal with the person they don't get on with, have to have someone explain 'we were only teasing' etc.
The best you can do for your child is bring them up to be resilient, to be themselves and not follow the herd. You don't do that by keeping them in the dark, you explain the possible consequences so that they are fore warned on how to deal with it. Although, in this case, it appears to be OP who is bothered and not her DS. When they have had a problem you help them deal with it. Greek yoghurt is a case in point, if they get teased they need a way to deal with it, mother going in to complain is not the way.
MN likes to think of itself as a cosy, friendly, supportive place for parents and it has that side BUT 'nest of vipers' is well deserved as the other side and many new posters are caught out if they think they can say or do anything. If adult women can't manage it, expecting 4 yr olds, on their very first experience of getting on away from parents is expecting too much of them. They are learning about the world. A 3 yr old keeps saying to me ,'you are a girl' because he is learning to classify people and see the differences.
Some children can get away with it and some can't. I could spend an hour in a year 6 class and tell you which boys could turn up in a pink onesie and be cheered by their class mates and which would be just labelled 'the odd kid'. Not nice, but the way things are. The best thing to do is bring your child up to be the confident one who can pull it off and they do that by you supporting but not taking over.
You can make the huge fuss, you can make sure that no one voices an opinion or teases BUT you can't change what they privately think.

Oh, and as for the plastic tat and his being suckered in by advertising - no! We only watch CBBC / CBeebies, because I don't see the point in exposing young children to loads of adverts for stuff they can't, in our case, have. He has never seen the HK show - I think he has just picked up on it from girls he sees around and shops. For some reason he is drawn to that huge white face . He has a mug and the dominoe set a friend bought him and now, of course, the onesie. He's having the house for Christmas, but I don't think he even knows it exists atm. Same thing with PP - he has one dvd, one small toy and the wellies.

I think for him, it's all about being different form his brother - whose interests are not 'plastic-tat'/character related but far more 'boyish' - Romans, space etc

Hmm it's a tricky one.

I have 3 dc very different.

Dd8 nearly 9 has always had her own style and done her own thing.Hates pink,refused to wear a onsie(the only one in her class), insisted on her Boden blue cord pinafore for the school disco last year(got teased as not funky enough), hates One Direction( and pretty much anything everybody else likes) currently loves skulls,black and spells. However she is stubborn,hard as nails and doesn't give a shit.I've noticed she gets teased less and copied more.

Dtwin s 1 10 is a total conformist so not relevant.

Dtwin s 2 10 is quite girly- got teased re his pink cow torch,the Ruby Redfort books he likes to read as has girls on the covers,his Tartan baggies etc.He gets upset,cross and hides things.

It's not right but I think how a child reacts to some extent has an impact on the behaviour of the other kids.I've tried to explain to dtwin 2 that he is either going to have to toughen up/ not get upset and stick up for himself like dd and set his own style or conform. Ie the more he shows he's upset the more it will happen.

He's now doing a mixture of both.The tartan baggies don't go near school and re the books he reads he tells other kids they're missing out and he'll read what he likes.

See that's the trouble we have lecce

I don't allow cbeebies or cbbc because I don't approve of a lot of the programs. So we watch either cartoonito or Disney jr. The sad trade off is the unbelievable amount of shit advertised. Predominantly "girly" stuff.

But then we didn't have sky at first so dd1 would watch DVDs ranging from Dora to bob the builder and fireman Sam. She just naturally fell into the girl trap. I have spent years trying to steer her from the fairies and puppies and kitten books to no avail :) . Dd2 just copies her sister

I am quiet,reserved and happy in my own skin, lecce but I like to be in the background and not singled out. There is nothing wrong in that. We are told that everyone wants their 5 mins of fame but it isn't true- I certainly don't! Lots of people don't, my aunt was in the newspaper with her picture and for a lovely reason but she was practically in tears, there is nothing wrong with this.
If I want to stand out then I have to be prepared to take the consequences , and they might be upsetting. Even on MN if I come out and say something controversial I then switch on with trepidation because strangers on the Internet shouldn't be hurtful , but they are. There is one thread at the moment where I would like to make an honest comment of what I really think, but I don't want the consequences.
I am happy that my children are adults, they don't follow the herd, they are strong underneath and they can get on with all sorts and have real friendships. I didn't get there by letting them go to school in a costume they would get teased in without warning them so that they made an informed choice, and then as the mother kick up a huge fuss. If they decided to go ahead and were teased I would just explain that some people are very narrow minded and they need to deal with it, perhaps offering some strategies. But they have to do it and not me.

But dd doesn't like to be different or on her own. She likes to be the same as her friends.

That is how it is Retropear. It has to come from them. I have a friend who didn't give a damn about teasing and it showed, they stopped.

I would find it better to watch the adverts and discuss than avoid.

Re TV what on earth don't you approve of Giles on Cbeebies?

Would rather my kids watched that than Disney which is full of shite,stereotypical and full of adverts.

And what Satin said.

Op can go in an rant all she likes but the teasing will just become more covert.You either have to have pride in your choices or don't wear them.It's life and it's tough out there.

Interestingly all 3 of mine are quiet and quite shy.

I cannot stand justin fletcher or that I can cook or balamory or tht creepy grandpa in the pocket. :o

And I banned dd from baby jake too because she kept copying the baby talk grrrr.

Given the whole point of putting the tv on os so I can grab a bath or do dinner in peace it defeats the object if I have to be there to turn over the crap :)

You need to prepare them for life as it is. I am reading Agnes Grey at the moment. The main character is poor in the sense they only have a few servants, have to watch the candles etc, it isn't poverty. Her parents married for love and are idealistic. She and her sister had a very sheltered upbringing in a small community where everyone is kind and she goes out into the wide world as a governess and she hasn't a clue! I am only halfway through and it is just luck that her innocence hasn't led her into situations that are far worse. She would have managed better had she known some of the worst of human nature. Her charge is similar- clueless and married off to a 'desirable' match. Anne Bronte doesn't go into details but I doubt she knew the facts of life. She certainly doesn't know what you might have to give up for a large house and position.
Over sheltering is not good preparation. Sorting everything out for your child is not good preparation.
It would be wonderful if everyone in the world was considerate, empathetic and kind. They are not, and never will be.
One of my children had no sense of humour, we were always having to say 'we are only teasing' but he got it in the end. Much better than walking on eggshells and avoiding teasing.

I think Anne Bronte very much did know 'the facts of life'. Her own upbringing involved the death of siblings, and exposure to the many facets of life in a busy industrial parish, Haworth. Via boarding school, she got to mix with girls from more privileged backgrounds.

Not quite sure how this fits in with the issue of onesies. Except that, given that her own mother died, she would probably have liked to have someone who fought her corner for her.

The Bronte children did not have an especially conventional upbringing. Probably several of the children would make unconventional onesie choices if they'd been teleported to the early 21st century.

The point was not Anne Bronte, it was the fact that her main character goes out into the world without a clue what it is really like. She has both parents living (father has just died more than half way through), she is from a rural parish, she has not gone to school and mixed, she is suddenly pitched into a very different world and quite innocent. She would have been better able to cope had she rubbed along with all sorts. As it is she spends a lot if the book in tears.

And the charge who is getting married really hasn't a clue what it entails.

Children have to learn to deal with things- with support.

Ok I'm sure the op has got the message. Don't bring up ds to be like Agnes grey.

Sheesh.

Being up your child in the world they are in is the message. Make sure they understand that actions have consequences and they are happy or willing or able to deal with them and be able to judge the likely consequences.
It is all to do with personality. When I started secondary school I was teased for saying 'mummy and daddy' and my compromise was to change to 'mum and dad' and not 'mam and dad' which was the norm in my area. I was completely comfortable with that. My friend stuck to 'mummy and daddy', regardless, she was comfortable with that. The one thing not to do was for my parents to go into school and us have lessons on 'diversity'.

Reading this thread explains very well exactly how jeggings were able to do as well as they did

"The one thing not to do was for my parents to go into school and us have lessons on 'diversity"

Didn't you know the role of schools is not to educate, but to be able to change and mould human nature instantly according to each parent's view of their childrens perfection how it should work.

Being up your child in the world they are in is the message. Or rather, conform whatever the cost to you, personally.

It doesn't work, frankly. I tried to fit in at school. I pretended to like the bands, the clothes, the whatevers that everyone else said that they liked. I stopped doing my homework because nobody else did it. I hid the fact that I liked things that were not fashionable.

I just came across as a fake. But I had the message from my mother that I had to fit in in order to have friends. It has taken me years to admit to people what I really like/think/feel (and I'm still not totally comfortable doing it).