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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not really get what's wrong with saying 'the twins'?

124 replies

okthen · 12/11/2013 19:46

I have several friends with twins. I'm always at pains to avoid saying 'the twins' as I have heard it is a no-no, stops them from feeling like individuals etc.

But it seems stilted to say 'x and x', instead of 'the twins'- when that is what they are: twins. If a friend has 2 or 3 kids of different ages (or indeed if I'm talking about my two) I'll say 'the kids' if talking about them collectively, not name them individually. If a friend has two boys I'll say 'the boys' etc.

And when we were growing up we were 'the children', or 'the big ones' and 'the little ones' (four kids with big-ish gap between two oldest and two youngest). It certainly never made me feel like I had no individuality! But then I suppose I wasn't up against the other issues/attitudes twins face. I always thought it would be rather lovely to be one of 'the twins' in our own little unit, though...

Am genuinely interested to hear from twins or parents of twins, as to whether/why 'the twins' bothers them. I'm never sure whether, actually, my friends wouldn't give a stuff if I said it- maybe I should ask

OP posts:

Writerwannabe83 · 12/11/2013 19:48

I would say, "How are the twins?" as it is no different to saying, "How are the children?"

IMO anyway

Does anyone actually name the children by names when asking after a collective group??

toobreathless · 12/11/2013 19:48

I would ask them?

I have two close in age and they are 'the girls'

squeakytoy · 12/11/2013 19:48

got no idea why it would be a no-no... surely if someone had more than one child, you would say "how are the children?".. dont see any difference in asking "how are the twins?"..

I have several friends who have twins, and they refer to them as "the twins", or "the children/kids"..

squeakytoy · 12/11/2013 19:51

having said that though.. I have a friend who ALWAYS refers to her only child as "the boy".. never uses his name.. even on her fb posts it is "taken the boy to the fireworks" etc.. I find that quite odd, and also wonder what she will do when they have their next child if that is a boy too.. or if it is a girl.. will she call them "the boy and the girl"...

Bogeyface · 12/11/2013 19:51

I know a pair one of adult twins and they hated this because it felt that as children there were a single entity instead of 2 seperate children with seperate minds and personalities. They were non identical, I should imagine that identicals would hate it even more.

So probably it isnt that the parents are bothered but they are concerned that the children might be.

DesperatelySeekingSanity · 12/11/2013 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

okthen · 12/11/2013 19:53

What got me thinking about this more was a thread on Facebook recently- a friend has had twins and posted a pic, and somebody commented underneath with advice (not asked for , but hey) saying 'whatever you do, never call them 'the twins'. I guess this person was a twin, otherwise how would they know?!

OP posts:

DENMAN03 · 12/11/2013 19:53

I'm an identical twin.. I hated being called 'one of the twins' .. I have a name!

squeakytoy · 12/11/2013 19:53

maybe cos that person had got a bollocking for saying it to someone.. lol!

BuggedByJake · 12/11/2013 19:54

Yabu people ask me how my ds is, then ask how the twins are. It really annoys me. I have have three individual children, not one individual & a pair.

RandomMess · 12/11/2013 19:54

Just refer to them as the children instead of "the twins".

Hexbugsmakemeitch · 12/11/2013 19:54

In my experience many twin parents do mind - I certainly do. Being 'the twins' isn't the same as being 'the girls'.

Twins are often treated as if they are a single person rather than two. There is far more difficulty in establishing identity, even for boy/girl twins.

I wouldn't call you on it if you referred to my children as 'the twins' but I don't like it and you'd never here either DH or myself use the term. Close family wouldn't either.

I can't really see why you'd need to refer to the children as 'the twins' rather than using their names, but would caution to follow their parents exam

Hexbugsmakemeitch · 12/11/2013 19:55

Oops ^ example.

Hexbugsmakemeitch · 12/11/2013 19:58

BTW my two are very proud of being twins but don't like being referred to as "the twins".

AuntieStella · 12/11/2013 19:58

I think if you want to refer to them together, then it's probably better to say 'the children'. But probably ok if you are specifying which two children from a larger family.

IAlwaysThought · 12/11/2013 19:59

I try not to use the term as I know some people don't like it and its easy enough to avoid. However, I can't see anything wrong with it. I call my boys 'the boys' and my girls 'the girls' etc. I am not defining them as anything I am just making it clear who I am talking about.

There is nothing wrong with being a twin. Is not being allowed to use the term 'the twins' denying them their 'twin'ness'?

Fuctifano · 12/11/2013 20:01

Growing up an identical twin, I loved being a twin but hated being referred to as "twin". The girls was fine or the children. But, for me hating being the centre of attention and aware that people looked at us or couldn't tell us apart having a title that was different from other kids made me feel like a freak.

neversleepagain · 12/11/2013 20:02

I prefer people to ask me how are the girls or how are the children. Being a twin lumps them together as one unit. People tend to ask twin specific questions about them rather than things about them as individuals. I sometimes feel sorry for them.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 12/11/2013 20:03

I have bbgb
I call the eldest two 'the boys', and the younger two 'the little ones'.
I wonder if my youngest will get a complex

Notfootball · 12/11/2013 20:04

I'm a twin and we were regularly called "the twins", even by my parents. When shortened, our names rhymed so we were often called by that too, x and x. I think "the twins" bothered my older sister more than me as it was usually preceded by "take the".

LadyBeagleEyes · 12/11/2013 20:05

As an identical twin I hated it.
We also got called twin or twinnie at school, even by teachers.
We were and are two individual people who happened to be born at the same time.

YoungBritishPissArtist · 12/11/2013 20:07

I thought this would be about boobs!

Feminine · 12/11/2013 20:11

Probably best to do away with all social niceties, and don't bother to ask at all.

My DH has always complained about this also (twin)

I'm always asked " how is your sister" I'm not even a twin!

I think if someone is being kind, that should always take precedence.

I'm sure most twins survive securely in to adulthood!

Original poster

okthen · 12/11/2013 20:11

Hmm seems lots of twins/twin parents don't like it.

I still struggle a bit to see how saying 'the children' is any different- but I guess not having been a twin or had twins, I've not experienced the general lumping-together that twins are subject to.

And if it does bother people, that's valid and I won't say it.

OP posts:

misspontypine · 12/11/2013 20:12

I would ask a friend with twins and no other kids "how are the twins?" but I wouldn't use the twins when I was using other people's names "Lucy and the twins can go in the blue car, tim, oscar and jess can go in the red car" (for example)

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