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Original poster

To not really get what's wrong with saying 'the twins'?

124 replies

okthen · 12/11/2013 19:46

I have several friends with twins. I'm always at pains to avoid saying 'the twins' as I have heard it is a no-no, stops them from feeling like individuals etc.

But it seems stilted to say 'x and x', instead of 'the twins'- when that is what they are: twins. If a friend has 2 or 3 kids of different ages (or indeed if I'm talking about my two) I'll say 'the kids' if talking about them collectively, not name them individually. If a friend has two boys I'll say 'the boys' etc.

And when we were growing up we were 'the children', or 'the big ones' and 'the little ones' (four kids with big-ish gap between two oldest and two youngest). It certainly never made me feel like I had no individuality! But then I suppose I wasn't up against the other issues/attitudes twins face. I always thought it would be rather lovely to be one of 'the twins' in our own little unit, though...

Am genuinely interested to hear from twins or parents of twins, as to whether/why 'the twins' bothers them. I'm never sure whether, actually, my friends wouldn't give a stuff if I said it- maybe I should ask Smile

OP posts:
DiamondDoris · 12/11/2013 22:29

Identical twin here.... and like many other "twins" here, hate "twin", "twinnie" and [insert last name] no 1 and no 2, ie Smithy one, Smithy 2. Also disliked being made to dress alike and given identical presents, cards by family and relatives. This attitude (1970s) later made me hide, for many years, the fact I even had a twin sister. It's lovely having a twin sibling, but you do feel a freak at times. People couldn't even be bothered to scrutinize our faces to tell us apart gahhhhh!

Twiceover · 12/11/2013 22:29

I would never refer to my girls as the twins but it doesn't bother me if other people do. Thinking about it though only about 3 people we know do, it's always the girls or their names. They don't seem to mind at the moment but they are only 4.

Does always surprise me though when people they've known for a while can't distinguish which is which - they have different colour hair and look nothing alike - which does suggest people lump them together in their minds as one entity?

Twiceover · 12/11/2013 22:31

Some people I should say.

sunshinemeg · 12/11/2013 22:31

I understand the issue, my cousins - twin boys. Went through secondary school being referred to by staff as 'the twins' viewed as a job lot. They hated it. Other children in school had their identity as individuals. They didn't.

EthethethethChrisWaddle · 12/11/2013 22:33

I don't mind my 5 boys being collectively referred to as "the boys" but I do object to my twins being called "the twins" especially if people use the other 3's names and then say that! They have names too you know! Use them!

I do call them my little baby twinny boys sometimes. At 9 years old you can imagine how much they love that! Grin

MacaYoniandCheese Just ask them which one they are! I do that with my own often enough, or call them the wrong name. I'm sure they're used to it. (I should point out all 5 get called the wrong names, not just the ones that look identical!)

Bowlersarm · 12/11/2013 22:38

Diamond I suppose it is interesting and fascinating to people without an identical twin, what it must feel like.

Astonishingly I have three sets of boy/girl first cousin twins - clearly unidentical (!) so twins were normal to me growing up as huge part of the family, but identical twins are a bit more special.

I was quite obsessed with having twins myself because I wanted four children (dh reluctantly agreed to three) and was desperately disappointed when ds3 was a singleton at the scan!

HarryStottle · 12/11/2013 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aquashiv · 12/11/2013 22:42

Would you say the singleton? Use the names or if you wish to collate the boys/girls is fine.

Bowlersarm · 12/11/2013 22:45

Oh aquashiv, I did just say singleton!

paperdress · 12/11/2013 22:53

Aquashiv- exactly.
I'm a mum of identical twins and wince when i hear 'the twins', because it reminds me of all the shit they will come up against in their childhood when people will lump them together as a single unit.
If its hard to grasp why its annoying to say 'the twins', as opposed to 'the girls/the boys', just imagine people referring to your child as 'the singleton'.
When i saw the trailer for 'topsy and tim' and their DAD said 'the twins', my heart sank...
Not the most important thing in their lives to build up a head of steam about, but a thing, all the same

ZuluWarrior · 12/11/2013 22:56

Yup, I thought this thread would be about breasts too Blush.

missingmumxox · 12/11/2013 23:02

Because twins are not looked at as individuals. That is why, my Dbs are twins but really different, 1 is robust, brown eyes, 2 inches bigger than his twin brother, who is blue eyed, so skinny it hurts.
And I get , I can't tell them apart! Really?
I have been asked twice "which one is the evil one"! Again really?
The larger twin Ds 2 got the blame for everything at his nursery, but when I closely questioned staff, it would become clear it was a mix of the two
My boys are very proud to be twins and very protective of their 2 sets of twins cousins who are 1 and 2 years old, but always refer to them by name.
My great grandad was a twin and up until 19 was referred to as twin as was his sister, on the census under the bit for lunatic!

AbiRoad · 12/11/2013 23:05

I have non-id twin girls. We tend to refer to them as the girls rather than the twins,but I think referring to them as the twins is ok in some contexts. The problem is that although at some times people use twins instead of children or girls, at other times they use it when they would use names for different aged children or would just refer to one. Eg if you have 3 DC of different ages people woud tend to write a christmas card to abi, mr abi, John, Ben and max, but if Ben and max were twins they might write to abi, mr abi, John and the twins.

My DTDs look really different -one dark hair and eyes and olive skin, the other strawberry blonde hair blue eyes and pale skin. People are usually very good at using their names A and B instead of the twins, but I have discovered that there are some parents at school who could not tell you which was A and which was B because they think of them as an item A and B, and it is not because they can't tell them apart!

retiredgoth2 · 12/11/2013 23:13

I refer to my identical 12 years olds as 'the monozygotes'.

They aren't desperately keen on this it's true.

But fuck it I think it's funny.

Do refer to themselves as twins often though ('this twin is really tired')- it's their strongest relationship remember. And got them (seemingly unscathed) though the death of a parent.

I know other twins and twin parents feel differently. That's fine. It's a personal call..

annie987 · 12/11/2013 23:29

I'm a twin mum and I hate it wheny two are called 'the twins'. The kids, the children is fine.
It would be like me referring to my friends only child as 'the singleton'!

goldopals · 13/11/2013 06:07

I am a twin. When you say "the twins" it takes away individuality and it used to make me feel as if the person saying it did not want to know me as a person

Pennythedog · 13/11/2013 06:12

I know a set of grown-up twins who everyone calls Twin as if it is their name. Their younger brother's nickname is Little Twin. I shit you not!

Snowbility · 13/11/2013 07:07

I wince when I hear my dcs being referred to as the twins too. I have no idea why is annoys me so much, I just can't stand it. So few people do it though, most refer to my dcs by their name.

TheFutureSupremeRulersMum · 13/11/2013 07:29

An article on what it feels like to be a twin. I realise this doesn't speak for everyone who is a twin but I think it will resonate with most.

I cant understand the people on this thread who are not twins and do not have first hand experience of twins, stating that they don't think it's a problem. Just read up a bit and you'll realise it's an issue for many people who have a twin. Sue Mortimer's book which has lots of different twins discussing their experiences of being a twin.

Maca Firstly, I would rather someone had a go at calling me by my name (they've got a 50% chance of getting it right) and having to correct them rather than being called "one of the twins" or by my surname.

People who have mentioned siblings being called the girls as being the same thing, it really isn't because it doesn't happen to them on the same scale and they are not defined by that relationship in the same way twins are by their relationship.

I also agree with whoever said that people seem to get a mental block when it comes to twins and declare twins indistinguishable even if they have different physical characteristics.

Dahlen · 13/11/2013 07:34

I was actually at a venue once when someone called my DD by calling her "twinnie." Hmm

I think the problem is that when you refer to "the children" or "the girls/boys" you do so only in the collective. When people do that about twins it often extends to the singular - as in my example above.

I never minded mine being referred to as "the twins" when discussing both of them together, but I dislike - as do they - the fact that they are a twin being used to define them when talking about them as individuals.

ptpan · 13/11/2013 07:49

I have bg twins,sorry but I,dp,most family members,friends etc call them the twins!
I have no issue if someone asks me how the twins are,thats what they are after all.
Obviously when anyone speaks to them they call them by their names,and we swap the order that we call them in.
Being a twin isn't only what defines them and everyone knows that they are seperate children with completely different needs and behaviours but they are my twins and in our family it's just not an issue to call them that.
If either says they don't like it then we wont but they love being twins and others are often interested in twin things such as how different they are,and I would probably ask a twin mum if I didn't have twins myself.it's fascinating to see their development and life stages having two at the same age.
I do appreciate not everyone feels the same and that's ok as well!

Snowbility · 13/11/2013 08:23

And don't ask me to compare their development...or to judge one against the other, to tell you who is the smartest, bravest, fastest, kindest best behaved etc I won't be happy!

Matchthecase · 13/11/2013 08:23

As a twin mum I HATE 'The twins' and will and have asked people not to refer to them as this 'The children/kids' is fine or their names. The are not a one person they are two and it's important to remember that.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 13/11/2013 08:35

My husband still sometimes gets referred to as 'the boy' which I would say is the equivalent of using singleton.

Matchthecase · 13/11/2013 08:38

you wouldn't call a child 'the singleton' would you?

Also yes to this. SIL asked after 'the twins' a couple of times when they were new, despite us saying we didn't want them called that. DH asked her how 'the singleton' was after the second time and she pulled a catsbum mouth, but she has never referred to them as 'the twins' since. Grin

For those asking about the order when speaking about them using names. DS & DD. DS's is 9 times out of 10 said first as he is the oldest, only by a minute but he is still the big brother. Same as I am referred to in the middle of my DB & Dsis because I''m the middle child. DH is the last because he's the youngest so it always goes DSIL, DBIL, DH.

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