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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not really get what's wrong with saying 'the twins'?

124 replies

okthen · 12/11/2013 19:46

I have several friends with twins. I'm always at pains to avoid saying 'the twins' as I have heard it is a no-no, stops them from feeling like individuals etc.

But it seems stilted to say 'x and x', instead of 'the twins'- when that is what they are: twins. If a friend has 2 or 3 kids of different ages (or indeed if I'm talking about my two) I'll say 'the kids' if talking about them collectively, not name them individually. If a friend has two boys I'll say 'the boys' etc.

And when we were growing up we were 'the children', or 'the big ones' and 'the little ones' (four kids with big-ish gap between two oldest and two youngest). It certainly never made me feel like I had no individuality! But then I suppose I wasn't up against the other issues/attitudes twins face. I always thought it would be rather lovely to be one of 'the twins' in our own little unit, though...

Am genuinely interested to hear from twins or parents of twins, as to whether/why 'the twins' bothers them. I'm never sure whether, actually, my friends wouldn't give a stuff if I said it- maybe I should ask

OP posts:

Crazdsky · 13/11/2013 15:24

I have now found out I am a bad mum. My twins are you youngest of six and I refer to them as my twincesses, I have never got upset by anyone calling them the twins etc.
I don't dress them the same and they both like different things they are 2.5. If when they get older it becomes an issue for them I will not refer to them as that.
What I have found really weird ime is parents who go to twins clubs (mums and tots for twins) and even dress their kids the same but get upset if you refer to their children as "the twins" .

MisguidedHamwidge · 13/11/2013 15:33

I don't think it would occur to me to be offended if someone referred to my twins as 'the twins'. I'd like to ban people from shouting "You've got your hands full" as I walk down the street with them though.

MitMopse · 13/11/2013 19:41

I am an identical twin and HATED being referred to as 'the twins' growing up. Can't put my finger on quite why, i think partly the extreme need to feel an individual and to not be treated differently to other kinds of siblings if that makes sense. My sister is my twin, but it's just like any other sibling relationship and it was so annoying when people oohed and ahhed at us and asked stupid questions about psychic links etc. OP you sound lovely for caring to avoid this. I know it's not logical, but it does grate on us twins!

SockPinchingMonster · 13/11/2013 20:17

I have 5 year old twins and can honestly say that it doesn't bother me if people call them 'the twins'. My twins are boy/girl twins though so perhaps that makes a difference as they have their own identities and play with different children at school - it may be different if they were same sex twins.

hearthwitch · 13/11/2013 20:32

crazdsky I hate when my sister and I get called the twins but now I do want to be a twincess

Unplastered · 13/11/2013 22:06

I am a twin.
Both my twin brother and I hated being referred to asthe twins. It made us a single entity, rather than two individuals. It gave people an excuse not to lern our names. It gave them an excuse to give a joint Christmas present and birthday present when for two non-twin children they gave individual gifts and cards (eg. Our grandparents always gave us a joint birthday gift but our boy/girl cousins of similar ages always got one each).

jellybeans · 13/11/2013 22:08

I have twins and it really never bothered me. I tend to say 'the boys' though instead or their names.

MulberryHag · 13/11/2013 22:12

On an aside, a close friend of mine has young twins. She and DH have decided to not tell anyone which child was born first.
Their children, their decision.

Same as the manner in which someone wants their twins to be addressed.

MirandaGoshawk · 13/11/2013 22:15

I have twins & hate the term 'the twins', but 'the children' is fine!

butterflyexperience · 13/11/2013 22:20

Mine are 4 month olds and I live the whole 'twins' thing

ProphetOfDoom · 13/11/2013 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minionmadness · 13/11/2013 22:30

My twin boys are only 5 but hate being referred to as "the twins", never by me I might add as I hate it too. They are not a single entity, they are individual people, siblings who were born at the same time. How are "the children" is just fine.

I also have twin sisters... they don't like it either.

Thewhingingdefective · 13/11/2013 22:46

I have two sets of twins. I don't mind if they are referred to as 'the twins' occasionally, as long as their names get used sometimes. I wouldn't like birthday cards to be addressed to 'the twins'.

We have 'big twins' and 'babies' (even though the babies have now started school!) when talking about them collectively.

Original poster

okthen · 14/11/2013 09:12

Two sets of twins- how wonderful

OP posts:

DeWe · 14/11/2013 11:24

I wouldn't think asking after "the twins" was an issue, if it's just instead of their names, when you might say "the children" or another collective name, to the parents. I think if they were there, saying "how are the twins?" directly to them rather than "how are you?" would be rude.
I would think it was an issue if you got a present for "the twins" or one card in which you wrote "the twins" or that sort of thing.

I was middle of three dc. I never minded being one of "the girls" (me and big sister), I did hate being referred to as "the little ones" (me and younger brother), it felt vaguely insulting.

LoonvanBoon · 14/11/2013 11:43

My twin boys aren't keen on being called "the twins" either, but it's not really an issue if it's an occasional thing. I think if someone constantly referred to them as "the twins" they'd say something about it. It's being bunched together generally that bothers them,and not viewed as individuals, particularly as they're identical. Just the other day a dinner lady at school said to one ds that she was really surprised he wanted carrots, as ds2 didn't like them! And they asked their teacher years ago if she could make sure she didn't always give them certificates (school reward system) on the same day.

The "you've got your hands full" comment brings back memories! Supermarkets used to be an issue for me - couldn't enter one without loads of people making "Was it two for the price of one?" jokes. It was amusing the first couple of times, but after a few years I was very much smiling with gritted teeth. When they were babies I even had a couple of people stop me in the street to ask which was "the good twin" & which was "the bad twin".

DropYourSword · 14/11/2013 11:47

Interested to see on here that some people take offense to their children being referred to as "the twins", because it's not their defining characteristic, but they ARE happy for them to be referred to as "the girls" or "the boys". Surely their gender is no more of a defining characteristic?

I think it boils down to the context. How are the kids / twins is interchangeable and really shouldn't be seen as offensive. I do see that "How is DS1 and the twins" is more offensive because it highlights the fact that they are "different" . And referring to them personally and calling them twin / twin 1 / twinnie does seem really offensive.

MirandaGoshawk · 14/11/2013 19:26

Saying 'the twins' is not offensive exactly Drop. It's just something that gets my back up a little bit but I can't for the life of me think of a reason why!

'The children' is OK but 'the twins' isn't. Can't say why!

vestandknickers · 14/11/2013 19:35

I have twins and I hate it when people refer to them as "the twins" but have no idea why. I have no problem with people calling them "the children". Hope that helps

vestandknickers · 14/11/2013 19:37

Wow Miranda - I hadn't read yours when I posted my reply but we seem to share the same irrational dislike of the term!

greencatseyes · 14/11/2013 20:15

My twin boys are 'x and x' or with their brother 'the boys'. I wouldn't call them 'the twins' - but I would hesitate if they had longer names... When they were born we had names on the wall for five weeks before deciding as we have three boys. Found three names which all abbreviate to one syllable - so its no trouble to call 'x,x,x' up the stairs.

I really feel like complaining to the makers of the new Topsy and Tim on Cbeebies as they have the mum calling 'twins!' and also referring to them as 'the twins'. Its not right really as as a twin mum you do hope their teachers etc will refer to their names in class and not as 'the twins' - for all the reasons stated in above posts - and in fact Tamba's advice for parents and teachers is to avoid use of the term.

Its a phrase that has a use when referring specifically to their twinness and never when if they were singletons you would be using their names..

MirandaGoshawk · 15/11/2013 10:45

vest

sazzlesb · 15/11/2013 11:15

I have boy/girl twins and hate the term "the twins" - it's often used as a lazy short-hand (including by family members who should know better) to using their names in circumstances when non-twins would be called by their names. I've no objections to "the kids" - it's not categorising them by their "twin-ness". To be honest, I rarely think of them as twins myself these days (they are 8 now and DS looks older anyway as is bigger). There are lots of lovely aspects of being a twin, but kids don't always want to be defined as such.

Glittertwins · 15/11/2013 12:31

I also have boy/girl twins and dislike them being referred to as "the twins" . They are two individual children and should be treated as such, not defined by them being born at the same time.

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