To be offended at very expensive Christmas present?

[Babcia]

I have just found out DH has bought me a philips lumea hair remover thingy at the cost of about £350 for Christmas when we said we were going to spend around £150 each max. I mentioned in a short conversation the other day that I was considering getting one, and I was about to buy one on Amazon this evening when he told me not to because he had already bought me the top of the range one for christmas. And now he is in a strop because he thinks I'm ungrateful but I think I've got good reasons. I'm also not really bothered about getting lots of presents- I didn't get anything apart from a joke present from my brother for my birthday and I didn't say anything so I'm not being a brat.
We are spending christmas with the outlaws, and I was interested in getting a lumea because I'm very self-conscious about my body hair, so the thought of opening this as my present on christmas morning frankly fills me with utter horror, as it will no doubt be discussed as his mum and sister will probably know what it is and what it's for.
The reason that I've ummed and ahhed about it is because I'm not sure that it will work on my skin tone, and I think it's a very expensive mistake to make if it doesn't work. It's not the first time he's done this- there have been other (expensive) things that I've discussed with him previously which he's gone away and bought without telling me- a couple of years ago after saying "I might get a food processor" one time, he spent £300 on a magimix that I'd already decided that we didn't have room for in the kitchen and that I'd never use (thankfully was able to cancel it on amazon before it dispatched), and the last time my laptop needed replacing, I asked him to just research a new one for me, and he went and bought one, took it out of the box and set it up (probably so I couldn't return it).
Anyway, am I being unreasonable to be annoyed that he's spent over twice what we agreed on something I wasn't sure I wanted or would work, and would feel like a monkey circus freak opening on christmas morning anyway? I know he's trying to be nice but he didn't seem to understand why this would be an offensive present, or why if I'm discussing buying something it's because I'M THINKING OF BUYING IT, not trying to drop hints!!

Inspired by this thread, I have been dropping hints all week about a pair of diamond earrings. In white gold.

Somewhat disappointingly, DH has told me that he is buying me 'the usual'. Which is a box full of paperbacks from a charity shop. This is actually a delight, because I would have read about a third (but don't mind a re-read) I would never normally read a third (and they predictably turn out to be dross) but the remaining third are a joy.

Should I LTB for not picking up hints that rocks for the ears were the order of the day?

"I wrapped some stuff I'd bought myself anyway so he could save face in front of my family."

why would you do that?

YANBU
If anyone, especially my husband, bought me anything to do with body hair removal and expected me to open it front of my in laws (in laws FGS!) I would be extremely upset. I think you will probably only understand this if you are someone who grows dark hair in what might be considered unaccepatable places eg face, stomach etc. So YANBU on those grounds alone.
The whole psychology of the present giving in your relationship is quite odd though (on his side not yours), but some people are really odd about presents e.g. my father rarely bought us presents; my mother always did it, but one year out of the blue and without telling my mum he bought my brother and I a book each for Christmas and bought nothing for my sister. She was understandably upset, but he really couldn't understand what was wrong. He had bought the books for my brother and me because they were books he thought we'd like, but he hadn't seen anything that Dsis would like so didn't get her anything . My dad is a lovely man in most other ways but this is one of his blind spots.
Maybe your DH is someone who just doesn't 'get' how present buying works. If you can I would take back the Lumea and get yourself something that you would like that he can 'give' you on Xmas day. If your relationship is good in other ways, you might have to let the present thing go and just don't tell him when you are thinking of buying things. And loudly and clearly point him in the direction of the Amaxon wish list - I though men would love that!

Disclaimer: I've read all of the op's threads, but only half of the others, so sorry if I'm just repeating.

I understand why you wouldn't want to open it in front of the inlaws. YANBU there. But otherwise, YABU.

I think the problem is this

an acknowledgement of the fact that my biggest body hangup is actually real and disgusting

This statement is loaded with your insecurities. You may have been planning to buy this because you feel like you are disgusting. This did not have to be his opinion at all. He listened out for something you really wanted and that you thought would make you happy, and bought it to surprise you with. Just like thousands of other nice caring people do at Christmas.

Sorry op, I really think that you need to spend your time thinking about how you are going to feel better about yourself, not about how rubbish your oh is.

£350 fo a hair removal device

One word: Bic.

Bic?

Ingrown hairs and shaving rash.

Yanbu.

I would not be happy either.
The fact is he is not listening to you properly.
My dh and I are both useless at presents so we don't bother. We buy what we want when we want and everyone is happy.
I do have a Philips lumea by the way and it is brilliant!

I just don't understand this dancing around stupid game about making it a surprise. He wouldn't even have heard of them if I hadn't said I was considering buying one. That should really have been the clue. A sensible person would probably think "oh she'll get one of those herself, like she said", or as I said before offer to buy it me for christmas, then at least I could have said, well I'd rather you got me "x" or "y". If I'd just bought it and not said anything he'd have to send it back anyway. It's not like I didn't try and have a conversation about christmas presents. I specifically asked him "what sort of thing would you like to get me for christmas", so that I could tactfully suggest a bunch of things I like in a suitable price range (i.e. more like £20-50) so he could pick the one he liked. His answer was "I don't know", so he's not really helped himself out there.
My main problems with this whole thing are

1. I don't want to receive a gift on a day when I'm supposed to be happy which will remind me of a body hangup and advertise it to the rest of the family (regardless of whether or not it's a common christmas present, or whether or not my hangup is justified. It's my issue, so if I want to deal with it I will do so)
2. Even if it was given to me away from everyone else we're still going to have that conversation of "what did he get you for christmas?" with his mum or my mum or whoever.
3. IT'S £350!!!!! It's way too much to spend on a christmas present when we had agreed a budget that was his idea! We're not going short but we could definitely use the money for other things. Plus I can't reciprocate to that extent so it just makes me feel like shit.
4. I don't like surprises, especially expensive ones. He knows I don't like surprises. You would think after 4 years of marriage he'd take the hint and oh I don't know, maybe not try and surprise me? Maybe I should just say I'm thinking of not being surprised, or that I'm thinking of not surprising myself, then he could surprise me by not surprising me...

Bloody hell OP leave the bastard if it's causing you this much internal pain. Talk about drama llama.

Please tell us OP that you've just vented all this on here and you haven't give your dude what for?

He tried to do a nice thing for you... The woman he loves. Why can't you just let it go after recognising that?

Why can't you just let it go after recognising that?

Because it keeps happening. I should just say get me a fucking pandora bracelet and let that be an end to it. I'm sick of being hauled over the coals for not being a "normal woman". I should just let him bankrupt himself so I can fit his stupid worldview that All The Women like ruinously expensive things regardless of any other more important factors. Yes. Brilliant.

I suppose the people saying LTB are right. You've convinced me. Divorce is imminent.

I think you have got to be really direct in telling him when you are asking about something as a present vs just discussing. Don't think it's obvious because it won't be to him. My dp is oblivious to hints no matter how obvious but has misunderstood casual conversations about stuff I need any number of times.
He probably has no idea how you feel about the hair- he just knows its something you find a problem. My ex once thoughtfully bought me one f those electric things for toning muscles- as he knew I hated being overweight but was too lazy to exercise.

I'm a bit

I can see the OP's POV about body hair, and while it's her insecurity it's not unreasonable for her to expect her DH to 'get' that if they've already spoken about it like she says.

However, the more that comes out, the more sorry I feel for the DH. He really can't do right for doing wrong, can he! It's all well and good saying "I have an amazon wish list" but when he does buy something you want, it's not what you want as a present from him for that occasion at this moment in time.

Take the laptop. You see him setting it up as a way of ensuring you had to keep a laptop you didn't want. I think most people would see it as a thoughtful gesture aimed at letting you just crack straight on with using it - unless you're into computers and wanted to personalise it yourself (in which case he deserves everything he gets for messing with it ).

How much of this is misunderstanding and misreading of each other. Have you tried anything to improve your communication skills as a couple and ways to reconnect (misunderstandings are always less common when you're loved up).

How has he done that OP? Has he actually said any of that or are you projecting?

Maybe price didn't matter in his efforts to try and make you happy.. which looks to be impossible.

OP, you are very hard to please. Seeing as you don't want a surprise, and you don't want him to try and work out what you would like, you'd be best off just getting him to give you money to do with what you wish. Although that probably wouldn't be right either.

It doesnt have to be so traumatic. Chill out, remember this is the man you love, and get some perspective. Otherwise, I doubt you'll make it to 5yrs married.

FGS and with the OP's last post... I'm out. She's obviously such a victim of this man buying her gifts. What a hard life.

Crap gift buying is a hallmark of an abusive or narcissistic type. It doesn't have to be crap in the sense of cheap - offensive or just inappropriate is all it takes to be crap, and you can spend an awful lot of money on doing just that. In fact, for some people the more expensive the better, because anyone who says they don't like it come across as an ungrateful PITA.

Yet that's not how I'm reading this situation at all. I read it more as a marriage in which words are spoken but no one is listening.

There is clearly a major mismatch on attitudes toward spending, just for a start. If that - plus the angst over gift buying - is anything to go by, the marriage really isn't in healthy territory.

If you know he only buys you things which you want to get for yourself (presumably because he assumes if you are going to get it yourself you must really want it) then why not tell him that you are going to get [insert whatever you want him to buy you] for yourself? You know how his mind works so play it to get what you want.

He's trying and seems really sweet, he probably thought you'd be delighted and was really excited about getting you something you needed.

yabu, he means well and wasn't to know that you'd find it an embarrassing present to open in front of others. Misguided over enthusiasm is not a crime.

i still think you are just a bit of a control freak tbh
i am like this. i get v uptight n stressed around gifts. we only do them for the kids now and just randomly name other purchases as presents eg i have just bought an expensive sweater, so it has been named 'dh s xmas pressie to me'

I keep imagining when I come back to this thread how my husband would feel if I flipped my toodle with him for trying to get me something he thought I wanted.

I simply can't Imagine hurting his feelings like that.

There are clearly as has been said some mega communication issues at play here.

Oh, that is really stupid of him. Yeah, right, because every woman would be delighted to receive, in front of a whole extended family, an embarrassing present that reveals insecurities about her body... FFS.

Why don't you get him WeightWatchers membership to open in front of everyone?

the opening it in front of family part has been solved 7 weeks before the day, though by the idea of buying another token present, although why presents have to opened in front of in laws is beyond me. fluffy handcuffs must be equally embarrassing

YABU and ungrateful! You don't need to open it in front of anyone.

Be offended at being given a hair removal product out of the blue maybe but you wanted it ffs!

Think very thoughtful and you are being rude and unreasonable - although maybe ask him to buy a small present to open in front of family. Although I wouldn't be embarrassed to open it.

I have a homedics me and I love it although hair removal is taking longer than I had hoped (now 18 months in) - and told all female family members how wonderful it is! So not embarrassing at all!

BTW don't buy basic one, have to buy top of the range!