To be offended at very expensive Christmas present?

[Babcia]

I have just found out DH has bought me a philips lumea hair remover thingy at the cost of about £350 for Christmas when we said we were going to spend around £150 each max. I mentioned in a short conversation the other day that I was considering getting one, and I was about to buy one on Amazon this evening when he told me not to because he had already bought me the top of the range one for christmas. And now he is in a strop because he thinks I'm ungrateful but I think I've got good reasons. I'm also not really bothered about getting lots of presents- I didn't get anything apart from a joke present from my brother for my birthday and I didn't say anything so I'm not being a brat.
We are spending christmas with the outlaws, and I was interested in getting a lumea because I'm very self-conscious about my body hair, so the thought of opening this as my present on christmas morning frankly fills me with utter horror, as it will no doubt be discussed as his mum and sister will probably know what it is and what it's for.
The reason that I've ummed and ahhed about it is because I'm not sure that it will work on my skin tone, and I think it's a very expensive mistake to make if it doesn't work. It's not the first time he's done this- there have been other (expensive) things that I've discussed with him previously which he's gone away and bought without telling me- a couple of years ago after saying "I might get a food processor" one time, he spent £300 on a magimix that I'd already decided that we didn't have room for in the kitchen and that I'd never use (thankfully was able to cancel it on amazon before it dispatched), and the last time my laptop needed replacing, I asked him to just research a new one for me, and he went and bought one, took it out of the box and set it up (probably so I couldn't return it).
Anyway, am I being unreasonable to be annoyed that he's spent over twice what we agreed on something I wasn't sure I wanted or would work, and would feel like a monkey circus freak opening on christmas morning anyway? I know he's trying to be nice but he didn't seem to understand why this would be an offensive present, or why if I'm discussing buying something it's because I'M THINKING OF BUYING IT, not trying to drop hints!!

[MrsCampbellBlack]

Take the money you'd saved and buy yourself something that's suitable to be opened in front of your in-laws.

[saintmerryweather]

yanbu at all. i ended up never ever mentioning anything i liked in front of my ex cos he would scamper off and buy it for me. if i picked a dress up or tried one on in a shop he would remember it and sidle off to buy it to 'treat' me. if i liked it id have bought the fucking thing i dont need you to.treat me to.something i.obviously dont like!

my ex was controlling.in other ways as well though

[aliciagardner]

YABU. You sound ungrateful and rude. Your poor DH is trying his best, listening for clues of things you'd like and when he buys them, you don't want them! I also totally don't get the embarrassment factor. It's hair removal, not condoms!

[kali110]

Id have been touched my dp had remembered. Think it was a nice thought

[ZombieMojaveWonderer]

Wow how ungrateful are you! Your husbands buys you something he knew you wanted and you get in a strop because....you will be embarrassed to open in front of family...it was more than the budget you agreed.
IMO I'd be grateful and think how lucky you are!

[Blu]

Oh dear. It does sound as if he is trying really hard but that he has quite a hard job, him being a bit gauche around presents, you being hard to please, etc.

I wouldn't want to open that publicly as present either.

If I were you I think I would be really happy that he bought it for me, thank him, a lot, and then explain that the reason I want / need it is due to feeling self conscious and so would feel self conscious opening it in public. So for Xmas day, could he give you a pretend or decoy gift to open, perhaps some lovely toiletries to use o your newly unhairy skin. But without mentioning the newly unhairy skin of course. He may need that spelled out to him.

This does sound like a classic sort of 'Men are from Mars' sort of communication issue.

Good luck.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Well its been on offer for £250 in the last few weeks so maybe he got it a bit cheaper?

[VivaLeBeaver]

Oh and I keep mentioning how much I'd love one to dh hoping he takes the hint and gets me one for Xmas.

[mercibucket]

is being in control v important to you? Maybe you resent the lack of control choosing and buying it yourself. You don't sound like you like getting presents at all tbh

[marriedinwhiteisback]

I have no comment

[Iwaswatchingthat]

If he has got you it then it saves you getting it. Just ask him for it now. It is nice that he thought of you tbh.

Then at Christmas he can get you something smaller which you feel comfortable opening in front of your in laws.

[Birdsgottafly]

I understand the part about needing to return it, I am just about to buy the No No system off QVC, as it is included in their returns policy, if you find it doesn't suit you.

My middle DD has PCOS and is dark skinned, so is embarrassed by having dark hair in her thighs etc.

She isn't embarrassed to talk about it, or her periods, I think that you work on getting over that.

Every woman (and man,if you include shaving) indulges in hair removal of some sort, I don't see why you would need to go into any details about why you wanted it.

[Babcia]

Quite a lot of people are saying this is a lovely treat. I'm sorry but I don't see it that way. For me, buying one was about being able to privately deal with an issue that has upset me since primary school (without having to go to a salon etc). I discussed buying it with him because a) I feel it's important to discuss large purchases and make sure they're worthwhile, and b) he's pretty much the only person outside work that I talk to on a daily basis, and I'm not very close with work colleagues, so yes I talk to him about stuff. To have him buy this basically feels like him saying "yes, you're right you are really hairy and you should do something about it. Here's your christmas present". Nothing nice or pretty to open, just an acknowledgement of the fact that my biggest body hangup is actually real and disgusting, not in my head. If I want to do something about it that should be up to me, not him. If he had said "tell you what I'll get you one for christmas and you can spend your money on something else" I would have very nicely told him that it's a nice thought but I'd rather get it myself and he get me something which makes me feel nice, not like a circus freak. He knows I don't like surprises, and he knows there's no way I would spend £350 without checking with him first (not because he's controlling, because I think it's important to agree these things). I just don't see why it's ok to go off and spend so much money without so much as a by-your-leave, gift or no gift.

[Blu]

But can you see that possibly, from his point of view, he can do no right?

Have you explained your feelings in detail to him as you have done here, factually and calmly, spelling it out to him, without being upset and blaming him?

[0utnumbered]

I think YABU, my fiance is a bit like this too but it's only because he wants to make me happy! If he has the money then why not?! If you are struggling to pay the bills however you wouldn't be unreasonable to be annoyed.

[Snuppeline]

I don't really get it. You were planning to but the hair removal thingy yourself. So are you upset he bought it instead? Surely this has saved your household cash by including it as a Christmas gift. Okay so he bought one a little more expensive than you perhaps thought you'd get yourself but still IIRC they start at 100 anyway, so if you'd spent a 100 and the budget was 150 for Christmas he's added 50 to it but given you a better quality one.

So if its the money I don't think you've got cause for such upset. Opening in front of others, well if its a huge embarrassment to you I guess that might be upsetting but as I'm not that sensitive myself I think your overreacting. But that's me and I accept you may be different.

It sounds like your dh actually cares about you and I think your BVU to react to presents like you are. I bet he thinks your ungrateful too and might decide not to bother in coming years. I'd change my tune if I were you. Sorry if that's harsh.

[Snuppeline]

In relation to your latest post above which wasn't there when I wrote mine - I really don't think men think that deeply about the emotion behind something but are more pragmatic and problem solving oriented (as I am). So to him he sees that your upset and that you want a fix on something and you've already mentioned the solution (this product) so he thinks he will make you happy by buying it. I do not think this is him saying that you are particularly hary at all - just as him trying to make you happy.

I once had a boyfriend who consistently got me fitness equipment/gear which I took to be insulting - did I need to workout more?? In talking about it he said it was the sort of thing which he wanted so figured I must want it too. I told him that in fact I wanted pretty things. Might be worth letting your hubby know what you think presents should be about. But I also think your over thinking the message he is sending - he wants a happy wife is all

[lottiegarbanzo]

I understand not wanting functional things as presents - like a vacuum cleaner, or washing up gloves, or even socks - depilation is another boring maintenance task, not a fun pampering one.

Worse, you're sensitive about it and he knows this - one wouldn't give someone anti-flatulence pills as a wrapped gift to open with family, even if you'd had a private chat about digestive issues.

I think he's probably latching onto it because he doesn't know what to get you. So can you head this off in future by suggesting suitable things? Even if you feel you shouldn't have to, some people aren't good at guessing.

[ConfusedPixie]

YANBU, I really understand what you're saying and I don't think it's very thoughtful at all, he's equated money with thoughtfulness and just gone with something you've mentioned that is expensive.

DP does this too and it drives me mad. Like my birthday earlier this year: I have always wanted a pair of doc martens but part of that was the experience of going to the shop and trying on a load of them and buying some with the interesting patterns on them. I also want a pair of sandy/camel-coloured lace-up boots (but not docs as I like the bright colours of docs, the muted ones look a bit blah to me). So DP gets me a pair of sandy-coloured docs which look fecking awful and I had to pretend that I loved them. Thankfully they were too small, and the replacement pair didn't feel right either so they got sold on ebay for half the price that he bought them for, the muppet.

Then the bamboo dressing gown, because I once was on a site and happened to comment "Oh, that's pretty cool and looks warm!" never mind that I don't actually wear dressing gowns. I got it for that Christmas and the worst bit was that he hammed it up for months going on about how I'd love it so I had to pretend to think it the best thing ever

I'm debating a lumea at the moment, I too would be mortified opening it in front of people on Christmas morning, my family make me very self concious and it would give them plenty more ammunition!

DP and I are doings stockings and home made gifts this year after birthdays and Christmases end up with me hurt and him bewildered. Though he is really good with thinking of small thoughtful gifts, he just has it in his head from exes that he has to spend, no matter how much I tell him that he doesn't.

[Wuldric]

Blimey, OP, you really need to lighten up a bit. Most of us would adore a DH who picked up on something we would like. You really are making a huge deal out of nothing. Seriously.

[Mumsyblouse]

He was probably trying to help you out and make you feel better about something he knows really upsets you. I really don't think it was anything other than the best of intentions from what you've said.

It's bought now, he may have got a discount on it, you wanted to try it, I think this situation is ok- just spell out to him very clearly that you don't want this presented in front of the in-laws and can he get you something in Boots to open instead.

He's not confirming you are hairy, he probably doesn't care, he wants you to feel ok about yourself (unless he's said or done anything to the contrary over the years). It's like my husband offering me gym membership as I'm a bit overweight, he means well!

[Mumsyblouse]

By the way I have checked out the Amazon reviews and most say it is ace- you are cutting off your nose to spite your face if you get him to take this back when it could really be the solution to something that is very upsetting for you.

[Aquariusgirl86]

He sounds like he wants to buy you gifts and listens to you but gets it slightly wrong, personally I wouldn't complain his heart is in the right place

[lifesgreatquestions]

I feel sorry for your OH. I presume from what you've written that he might have thought he was getting you something you wanted. Of course we can all get it wrong, but it sounds like you've made it spectacularly clear to him.

[BooCanary]

YABU. In my family, anyone who mentions anything they quite like or fancy buying, in the months before Xmas, is presumed to be hinting!

If you're not hinting, you need a clear disclaimer after mentioning said item (along the lines of 'but nobody buy it for me for Xmas as I'm not sure I want it yet') or you're going to be finding it under the tree on their 25th.

I feel for your DH. I would be a bit annoyed by not sticking to an agreed budget, but who actually came up with the budget idea?