To be offended at very expensive Christmas present?

[Babcia]

I have just found out DH has bought me a philips lumea hair remover thingy at the cost of about £350 for Christmas when we said we were going to spend around £150 each max. I mentioned in a short conversation the other day that I was considering getting one, and I was about to buy one on Amazon this evening when he told me not to because he had already bought me the top of the range one for christmas. And now he is in a strop because he thinks I'm ungrateful but I think I've got good reasons. I'm also not really bothered about getting lots of presents- I didn't get anything apart from a joke present from my brother for my birthday and I didn't say anything so I'm not being a brat.
We are spending christmas with the outlaws, and I was interested in getting a lumea because I'm very self-conscious about my body hair, so the thought of opening this as my present on christmas morning frankly fills me with utter horror, as it will no doubt be discussed as his mum and sister will probably know what it is and what it's for.
The reason that I've ummed and ahhed about it is because I'm not sure that it will work on my skin tone, and I think it's a very expensive mistake to make if it doesn't work. It's not the first time he's done this- there have been other (expensive) things that I've discussed with him previously which he's gone away and bought without telling me- a couple of years ago after saying "I might get a food processor" one time, he spent £300 on a magimix that I'd already decided that we didn't have room for in the kitchen and that I'd never use (thankfully was able to cancel it on amazon before it dispatched), and the last time my laptop needed replacing, I asked him to just research a new one for me, and he went and bought one, took it out of the box and set it up (probably so I couldn't return it).
Anyway, am I being unreasonable to be annoyed that he's spent over twice what we agreed on something I wasn't sure I wanted or would work, and would feel like a monkey circus freak opening on christmas morning anyway? I know he's trying to be nice but he didn't seem to understand why this would be an offensive present, or why if I'm discussing buying something it's because I'M THINKING OF BUYING IT, not trying to drop hints!!

[fifi669]

I think YABU. To buy you an expensive product to rid yourself of something that embarrasses you? What a bastard!

It's not a personality disorder, he's not controlling. He's listened to you and bought a thoughtful gift.

Ok it's not sexy, opening it in front of the in laws could be a nightmare but he tried.

Sounds like a keeper to me!

I personally have the rio system as I'm increasingly convinced I'm part goat

[DIYapprentice]

I agree with you OP, there are appropriate presents, and there are inappropriate presents.

There is a budget, and there is unjustified extravagance.

He seems to have bought both an inappropriate present and spent too much money on it.

A laptop - something so utterly personal, that you will use all the time, where does he get off choosing it for you? You will be the one that uses it, so you get to choose what features it has, whether it's the right size, is it too heavy or not, etc, etc.

Hair removal contraption - what a yuck present. 'Here you go you hairy thing, what a lovely treat for you to rip your hair out of your legs, etc). It's up there with getting a bloody boob job as a gift for Christmas!!! Personal care items aren't usually worthy of being purchased as gifts IMO.

And the ruinously expensive things? Unforgivably frivolous especially when there are treats that would be appreciate far more and which cost less.

My DH has been told that if he bought me over the top expensive presents, I wasn't going to pretend to be impressed, and actually I would probably bin them. If he bought me 'house' presents disguised as presents, I'd probably take an axe to them. If we needed a house present then we as a couple could decided to use some of our Christmas budget to buy a house present - he didn't get to make that call for my present. If he bought me gifts which had a ring of 'you're just a woman and I should be making the decision as to what quality/calibre/style of item you need' then he could just fuck right off.

[hyenafunk]

My DF was always like this. I'd mention in, say, April that I thought something was merely cute or something and he must have taken notes because at Christmas I'd have one wrapped up. I remember one year saying I liked this pink guitar I saw in a film, never once did I say I wanted one or planned on ever playing guitar... Sure enough he bought me one. I just ended up with a load of shite I didn't actually want. I went through a big phase of leopard print so he'd buy be a load of useless tat because it was leopard print .

So yanbu, I sympathise with you. You would have thought he'd have realised the first two times you complained/cancelled the orders that he should ask you first if it's something you really want. Plus he spent double what you agreed.

[MysterySpots]

I honestly don't know why he bought it for her 7 weeks before Xmas and then told her about it. She was upset and he got angry because she wasn't grateful enough. It all sounds a bit controlling and unpleasant and insensitive. If he is married to the OP he should know that she is sensitive about her body hair and not draw attention to it. It is really crap having a lot of dark body hair and not something you want drawn attention to on Xmas day FFS. Is that so difficult to understand?

[Thurlow]

This is why presents for adults gets quite silly. Just buy a few books or a bottle of perfume, that's it. I can't help but feel sad that grown adults can get so worked up about the money and thought that goes into presents - as in, expecting a certain amount of money and very detailed thought every single birthday and Christmas.

It's the thought that someone wanted to buy you a present that counts, not what the present actually is.

[80sMum]

Wouldn't it be simpler if each of you just buys yourself what you want?! I really can't see the point of getting presents for adults. As you pointed out OP, you were going to buy one for yourself anyway.

[landrover]

All I am saying is that the OP s husband doesn't think about this as deeply as OP !

[landrover]

But Mystery, I completely understand what you are saying, but 99% of people would just see this as a normal hair remover (which the majority of women use).
The OPs husband is a man, by their very being, they are generally pretty obtuse about these things, he probably doesn't notice her body hair! just heard her say that she would like a phillips lumea and thought thats a great idea! Do you really think he bought it to embarrass her?

[surgicalwidow]

YABVU! I would give anything for my DH to buy me anything out of the blue - if it isn't birthday, Christmas etc there's no chance!

[MysterySpots]

I am amazed at the number of people who think a hair removal product is a suitable Christmas present for a woman who is self conscious about her body hair. Just because someone says they were thinking of buying something does not mean that they want it as a present. I am thinking of buying a new frying pan but I don't want it in my stocking thank you. Presents are meant to be nice , special, a treat, something that you probably wouldn't get for yourself, not something meant to address a problem. I think many of you are being deliberately disingenuous about this, or else you are just as insensitive as the OP's husband.

[landrover]

Might buy one myself for my legs xx
I wouldn't for a minute worry about opening it in front of people, its just a posh hair remover xxx

[landrover]

There is one on ebay now for £149.99, only used 4 times. The reviews on Boots are amazing, lots of people are buying them for legs and bikini line!!!

[landrover]

Im a beauty Therapist, but I've never heard of a philips lumea . Everybody at xmas will just be told its a hair remover! Why would they even know its for anything more (unless you tell them!).
I think he did a lovely, lovely thing and for all you know he got it off ebay (from one of the posters who said it didn't work!!!!!!!) He seems extremely caring and id say that you were very lucky. How many threads do we see about husbands lack of gifts etc! x

[Thurlow]

There's one of two problems here, as I see it, and both are pretty serious problems within a marriage.

1 - he honestly is the kind of man who will deliberately buy his wife something that he feels will demean and belittle her, and to make matters worse he thinks it will be funny to make her open it in front of other people (though if this is the case, I'm confused as to why he has already told you he has bought it)

2 - you feel that he is the kind of man who wants to deliberately demean and belittle his wife, which suggests you don't trust him and have massive issues with him

I have to say, reading your later posts I'm erring towards the second idea. You seem to have a lot of issues and negative thoughts about him and are happy to snowball this into something it possible isn't, rather than just venting him about him being a bit of a careless idiot.

[purplewithred]

My XDP was a bit like this. I'm with you OP, I know exactly what you mean and how you feel. A considerate gift is one that shows the giver has really listened to what you want.

The question is - is he just being a bit scatty and impulsive (irritating but forgivable) or is he not paying attention to you, showing off or being a bit passive aggressive?

[Catsrus]

No - this present is a symptom of a problem. Her DH needs to be seen as mr wonderful so does extravagant things that will impress those around him. The fact the op does not want these extravagant gifts is central. I realised I would rather have a partner who actually did housework and genuinely shared child care the one who bought me expensive jewellery that I rarely wore.

OP - just a thought - does this fit him at all?

[foreverondiet]

Think very thoughtful and you are being rude and unreasonable - although maybe ask him to buy a small present to open in front of family. Although I wouldn't be embarrassed to open it.

I have a homedics me and I love it although hair removal is taking longer than I had hoped (now 18 months in) - and told all female family members how wonderful it is! So not embarrassing at all!

BTW don't buy basic one, have to buy top of the range!

[YouAreMyRain]

YABU and ungrateful! You don't need to open it in front of anyone.

Be offended at being given a hair removal product out of the blue maybe but you wanted it ffs!

[mercibucket]

the opening it in front of family part has been solved 7 weeks before the day, though by the idea of buying another token present, although why presents have to opened in front of in laws is beyond me. fluffy handcuffs must be equally embarrassing

[edamsavestheday]

Oh, that is really stupid of him. Yeah, right, because every woman would be delighted to receive, in front of a whole extended family, an embarrassing present that reveals insecurities about her body... FFS.

Why don't you get him WeightWatchers membership to open in front of everyone?

[gamerchick]

I keep imagining when I come back to this thread how my husband would feel if I flipped my toodle with him for trying to get me something he thought I wanted.

I simply can't Imagine hurting his feelings like that.

There are clearly as has been said some mega communication issues at play here.

[mercibucket]

i still think you are just a bit of a control freak tbh
i am like this. i get v uptight n stressed around gifts. we only do them for the kids now and just randomly name other purchases as presents eg i have just bought an expensive sweater, so it has been named 'dh s xmas pressie to me'

[zatyaballerina]

If you know he only buys you things which you want to get for yourself (presumably because he assumes if you are going to get it yourself you must really want it) then why not tell him that you are going to get [insert whatever you want him to buy you] for yourself? You know how his mind works so play it to get what you want.

He's trying and seems really sweet, he probably thought you'd be delighted and was really excited about getting you something you needed.

yabu, he means well and wasn't to know that you'd find it an embarrassing present to open in front of others. Misguided over enthusiasm is not a crime.

[Dahlen]

Crap gift buying is a hallmark of an abusive or narcissistic type. It doesn't have to be crap in the sense of cheap - offensive or just inappropriate is all it takes to be crap, and you can spend an awful lot of money on doing just that. In fact, for some people the more expensive the better, because anyone who says they don't like it come across as an ungrateful PITA.

Yet that's not how I'm reading this situation at all. I read it more as a marriage in which words are spoken but no one is listening.

There is clearly a major mismatch on attitudes toward spending, just for a start. If that - plus the angst over gift buying - is anything to go by, the marriage really isn't in healthy territory.