To be offended at very expensive Christmas present?

[Babcia]

I have just found out DH has bought me a philips lumea hair remover thingy at the cost of about £350 for Christmas when we said we were going to spend around £150 each max. I mentioned in a short conversation the other day that I was considering getting one, and I was about to buy one on Amazon this evening when he told me not to because he had already bought me the top of the range one for christmas. And now he is in a strop because he thinks I'm ungrateful but I think I've got good reasons. I'm also not really bothered about getting lots of presents- I didn't get anything apart from a joke present from my brother for my birthday and I didn't say anything so I'm not being a brat.
We are spending christmas with the outlaws, and I was interested in getting a lumea because I'm very self-conscious about my body hair, so the thought of opening this as my present on christmas morning frankly fills me with utter horror, as it will no doubt be discussed as his mum and sister will probably know what it is and what it's for.
The reason that I've ummed and ahhed about it is because I'm not sure that it will work on my skin tone, and I think it's a very expensive mistake to make if it doesn't work. It's not the first time he's done this- there have been other (expensive) things that I've discussed with him previously which he's gone away and bought without telling me- a couple of years ago after saying "I might get a food processor" one time, he spent £300 on a magimix that I'd already decided that we didn't have room for in the kitchen and that I'd never use (thankfully was able to cancel it on amazon before it dispatched), and the last time my laptop needed replacing, I asked him to just research a new one for me, and he went and bought one, took it out of the box and set it up (probably so I couldn't return it).
Anyway, am I being unreasonable to be annoyed that he's spent over twice what we agreed on something I wasn't sure I wanted or would work, and would feel like a monkey circus freak opening on christmas morning anyway? I know he's trying to be nice but he didn't seem to understand why this would be an offensive present, or why if I'm discussing buying something it's because I'M THINKING OF BUYING IT, not trying to drop hints!!

Jesus, you sound like an ungrateful kid! Spit your dummy why don't you?! YABVU!

He is showing affection in the way in which he wants to receive it. Go to www.5lovelanguages.com for more info. I understand why you are upset (several really good reasons) but he won't.

I think if your dh had erectile dysfunction of some kind, and he found a £400 book online called Cure Your Droopy Cock, and you presented it to him in front of your family, he'd be pretty pissed off.

Because I imagine he would feel embarrassed and humiliated and exposed and betrayed that a private issue, that he didn't want known to his in laws, would be played out publicly, so that you could go 'Ta daaaa! I have spent £400 on you, see how much I love you, aren't you lucky to have me.'

Or maybe I'm reading too much into this. Is it relevant that this gift would be opened in front of HIS family?

My point is, he should take into account your feelings. I don't think this is really about the money, it's about him not listening to you, and making decisions without you.

So YANBU because whilst he probably had the best intentions in buying the thing for you, he should now listen to your concerns, and accept them even if he doesn't understand them.

For you, in your shoes I would start saying 'I'm think of buying myself.....' when it's something you think he'll then buy you, or just never mention stuff I'm thinking of buying.

You have my sympathy. I would want to attack his bollocks with the bloody thing at 3am in revenge.

Yanbu - not least because you were trying to use your dp as a sounding board. If you're like me and like to think through things and talk through options and then think and research some more, it would be a nightmare if every time I was wondering about something like this, dh dropped everything and rushed out to buy whatever I'd discussed. Doubly so if he bought it a long time in advance of Christmas so there's no chance of taking it back.

What if you'd happened to talk to someone or been reading on here that people found them rubbish so you decided not to get one? Or you saw them on a bargain half price offer so bought one for yourself? Or you decided a different brand would be more appropriate? If you've been talking to somebody at a wondering stage then it's not dropping a hint. Otherwise how are you ever going to be able to have a wondering stage conversation about it? The op has already said she has given her dh plenty of hints and ideas that he has decided he doesn't want to take up. That doesn't mean he can pick something the op is still not sure she wants and just get it and expect her to be pleased!

And I'm another one that wouldnt want to be given something like this in public, especially at PIL house, for them to pick over.

Oh and if it has been on such a good offer, I'd get your dh to take it back and then you or he can rebuy it at significant price reduction and theresmoney to buy you something else that you would like to open at PIL's house at Xmas.

My dh bought me a mug for my birthday!

He actually had the nerve to tell me it was expensive as it was from the British Museum !

Why are you 'offended'. That word is so overused these days. You're not offended, you're unhappy with it.

I think if your dh had erectile dysfunction of some kind, and he found a £400 book online called Cure Your Droopy Cock, and you presented it to him in front of your family, he'd be pretty pissed off

Comparing hair removal to a medical condition.... Riiiiight

The comparison is in something that the dh might prefer to keep private, not the two specified conditions themselves. I am not saying the two are equal. I am amazed that wasn't clear.

It's about how one might feel about a situation

I might have said 'what if your dp had a Thing that he wasn't happy about. A Thing that he wouldn't want his in laws to know about, a private, personal Thing that he was only comfortable discussing with you. Then you decide to present him with a gift on Christmas day that shows everyone that he has this Thing. He would be pretty pissed off that now your family would know about his Thing.'

Only that sounds terribly woolly, imo.

Pick ED, pick male pattern baldness, pick gout, pick nail biting, pick being too fat/thin/tall/short - the thing doesn't matter, does it? My point is, if you have a personal issue & you have confided in your partner, you don't expect it to be made public.

I was offended. I was hurt and upset that he would have chosen to make this fairly public. If someone gives their partner an expensive gift in front of the whole family there will be a conversation about it. He knows I'm sensitive about my body hair- I was very upset that he did not consider (or ask me) whether or not receiving what is essentially a cure for an unpleasant side effect of a hormonal condition (so yes, fairly comparable to erectile dysfunction actually) in front of his family on christmas morning would embarrass or upset me. In fact receiving it as a gift at all is a bit off if it hasn't been asked for. Shouldn't matter that I was going to buy one myself, it really fucking hurt my feelings.

Then yanno take one of the suggestions and don't open it in front of any family.

You sound like mega hard work... you're hairy..you have something to help now.. your husband was trying to do something he thought would make you happy and for some unknown reason you're refusing to recognise that. Maybe he's hurt that you've thrown it back in his face.

Let it go.. forgive him and sort out shizzle you will be happy to open in front of people.

Agree with gamerchick

God forbid, he's bought you something expensive you expressed interest in. LTB

And I think you're projecting your body hang ups onto him. Just because you feel that way about yourself doesn't mean he does. You expressed an interest in it, so he bought it for you. Surely if he thought you were horrible and hairy he would have bought out of his own accord a long time ago! You're reading into it incorrectly IMO.

Good grief. Go and get some counselling will you and give your poor dh a break. He can't bloody win, and you won't see it. Lots of people on this thread have said you are being unreasonable, you are being unfair, and you just moan and groan about how bloody awful your life is and your dh is. Okay, you have a problem, but you could have said Thank you, you're really helping me out with something I perceive to be a major problem, can we open our big presents at home and put something small under the tree at in laws. But no, big song and dance about how awful you feel and about how he is confirming your poor body image. How is he feeling in all this? Is he really confirming it? I doubt it.

If you really feel this bad, so bad that the person you presumably love the most in the world, is ready, willing and able to have a go at you, I really would recommend some sort of counselling.

Let him buy you a crap present you don't want/need/or will use ....

And we will await the thread about that!!

At least he listens and makes an effort !!

I ask DH to not buy an item for Christmas. He gets it anyway. I wish he would punch me instead. I would feel that me and my feelings had more value.

YANBU

TBH I think you need counselling about your hang ups and not take it out on a partner who sounds very caring, the poor bloke can't win either way, and you sound hard work, he should be the one who is offended at your attitude

I ask DH to not buy an item for Christmas. He gets it anyway. I wish he would punch me instead. I would feel that me and my feelings had more value

Sorry but what the fuck? That's possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever read on here.

Oh man!

The Boots catalogue suggests hair removal gadgetry as Christmas presents every year. Ladyshaves etc are a fairly standard gift. Are your in-laws hairless, like Duncan Goodhew? Will they laugh at the thought of an adult woman shaving her legs?

Comparisons to droopy cock treatments will be relevant the day viagra gets a green parcel sticker and is offered on three for two.

And be sure not to buy your DH any aftershave. This might highlight the fact that he has facial hair, causing him humiliation in front of his nearest and dearest.

This is why I think adults shouldn’t give and receive significant presents to each other. Token gifts such as booze and chocs, fine. But this whole charade of either present lists, or asking people what they would like, is madness IMHO. Adults should buy themselves what they need or want, as they go along. Unfortunately, 90% of things that other people buy for me, I simply do not want, and it is just such a waste of time, effort and money all round. In these cases, they are just buying me something to feel guilty about because I don’t like their crap present.

For something to be a gift, I want the giver to have gone out and chosen it for me without any effort or thought on my part. If I have to do any of this, its not a gift. The few best gifts from DP that I have liked have had a total value of under £10 and I know one of them was free. He had an opportunity to pick up a small item from things that were being thrown away (in new condition) and chose something for me that did like and that was the bit that made it a gift. The others were a home made card and a small box of posh biscuits that he bought, of a type that I liked.

An item such as a hair removal system or phone or other significant purchase, I would want to research and choose myself. I wouldn’t want someone else buying me a different version before I had decided what I want, or even whether I really wanted that item.

Things like clothes, underwear, handbags, shoes etc, I need to try them on, so do not want them as gifts. Vouchers for a shop I like might be OK, but I’d rather just buy what I need when I need it.

Choosing something and then saying ‘buy me this for Christmas’ is pointless – I just want to buy when I have decided I want it, mostly because then the item will usually go out of stock.

I can see how you find this upsetting, but I think you're projecting your feelings onto your DH and imaging he is thinking/feeling something that he is not.

By all means explain to him why you feel uncomfortable with a) him buying you this as a present and b) you opening it in front of your family.

But saying to him "You listened to what I was saying, you took note of something I quite wanted to by, and decided to buy it for me as a present is wrong" - that's the unreasonable part. It's like he can't win for trying at the moment.

Imagine having a husband who listens to what you say and tries to be thoughtful - (and does something most people would consider thoughtful). The horror!

We don't 'do' presents in our family. We do a secret Santa at Christmas so each person only gets one token present of £15 or so. Birthdays are the same, no more than £20 on a present. Kids get individual presents from everyone at Christmas up to about 16 or so then go into the secret Santa. It's great, no worrying about affordability or what to buy. Fab. Result is, I in no way equate presents with love or how much someone thinks of me.
DH's family are the exact opposite. They spend a fortune and take offence at an inferior present. It's taken me years to knock this attitude out of DH but he is getting better. He was threatening to but me a tablet this year but I managed to convince him to go for a £20 Argos watch instead. I would be livid if we'd agreed a £150 limit and DH had ignored it. But then I just don't get presents.

I can feel you are very upset, but it seems out of proportion, accept the present, explain that you will be very cross if it's discussed in front of his family and buy yourself something nice from him. Use the ed analogy to him to make him see! It could be he was trying to help you with something you struggle with. If he's generally insensitive and he ignores your feelings often, you should post on relationships as you have general issues.