AIBU to ask if SAHP's are happy with their life?

[Writerwannabe83]

Firstly - no offence is meant by my title and I am in no way a person who judges either SAHP's or Working Parents. I'm just trying to gauge a sense of how SAHPs feel about their role.

My title was originally going to be, "AIBU to ask if SAHP's are happy with their choice?" but part of my post is asking if the SAHP had to make that choice because it was the only option that made financial sense as opposed to them actually wanting to be a SAHP?

What kind of careers did you give up and do you miss work? Do you feel like you have lost part of your identity or do you feel that being a SAHP is what your purpose always was?

I'm expecting my first baby and I spend some time every now and then thinking about 'Return to Work' options but I can't foresee me being a SAHP. I have a job that I love and a career I wouldn't want to sacrifice. Even if it made more financial sense to give up work I don't think I would. Are there any working parents out there who work despite it not making financial sense because they still need that aspect of their life?

Me and hubby have looked at our finances and because the NHS Maternity Pay is actually quite good the plan is that we will be financially fine for me to stay off for a year. We are currently putting £300 a month to one side into a 'Maternity Fund' so that when my pay does decrease to SMP only (when baby is about 7 months) we will have about £3'000 put aside to cover the shortfall. I have considered returning to work only 3 days a week, which my boss has already said would be fine, but until I have worked out what my income would then reduce to it isn't something we can really consider. I've been off work for the last 10 weeks so haven't really been able to be pro-active about it but when I return next week I'm going to get straight onto Pay Roll and ask for a breakdown of what my maternity pay will be and what my income will be on 22.5 hours a week. Deep down I know I couldn't give up my career, I worked too hard to get my Degree and have had so much fantastic experience in the 8 years since I've qualified and I can't give it up, my job is such an important factor of my life. They say nursing is a vocation, not just a job, and it really does feel part of who I am. I can't be a full time SAHM - I'd feel like I was selling myself out. But, as others have said, who knows how I will feel when the time actually comes that I have to return to work.

The only problem I have is that with the NHS Maternity Pay paperwork I have to let them know by the time I'm 25 weeks pregnant when I intend to return to work and if I want to change my hours. I'm not too sure how easy it is to then backtrack on this, or if I can at all. I need to have a good chat to my boss about it when I return.

That very unrealistic to make you decide what terms you want to return on before you've even had the baby!! You just don't know how your going to feel once the baby is here.

Can you maybe say 22.5 hours and give a date with a view to change it closer to the time?

Don't panic too much on the paperwork.

On when you are returning, they can ask what your plans are (and it helps them plan) but you can change it at any time. All you have to do is give 8 weeks' notice. So if you tell them now that you are taking your full 52 weeks, you could turn around after six months and say 'actually I would like to come back in 8 weeks' time and they have to allow that (in fact, many employers don't make you wait that long as they are keen to have you back!!). Alternatively, you could say now 8 months, and after six say 'actually, I am taking the full year'. What you can't do is wait until a day before you are due back and then extend your leave - which is fair enough, they need time to extend maternity cover, etc.

On your flexible working, anything you put down now is likely to be an indication, again to help their planning. You are legally only eligible to put in a flexible working request once you've had the baby, so although you are limited to one request every 12 months, this won't count as 'using it up'. I would put in the box what your thoughts are, but that they may change. That is good for both of you because you can investigate early on how viable what you want is, and they can plan. But if you change your mind later you will be able to legally.

Have you located a nursery?who'll watch baby when you working
Re paperwork You indicate intention but can change it.
And congratulations

Me and DH would ideally prefer a child minder over a nursery. MIL works part time and has indicated that she would be happy to have the baby 1 day a week so that will be really helpful. So really, if I do change to a 3 day working week the baby will only need to go to the child minder (or nursery if that's how it works out) two days a week and I think I would feel ok about that.

My sister uses a child minder who I have met numerous times when I collect my niece and nephew and we are considering using her - this will obviously depend on if she has place nearer the time. My sister's children have been going to them (both the husband and wife are registered) for 7 years and are really happy there. It would be nice too as my baby would be with his cousins

Thanks for all the information regarding the paperwork, it does make me feel better that there is flexibility to change plans. It takes that pressure off a little bit.

I couldn't afford child care, and has two kids very close together. I thoroughly enjoyed being at home with them, it was hard work but we would walk to the shops every morning with the big pram, the kids would help make dinner, yes sometimes it did get a bit repetitive but it was great for us.

Wen they were 9and 10, 10 years ago, I got a part time job three days a week at the local vets- my dream job, and am home for 3pm the days I work. I like spending an hour or so chatting with them after they've been at uni. Two years ago I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and have had five surgeries since but hopefully am all clear now, hopefully I can go back to work next week I do miss the social side and being busy and helpful, with the kids being out all day. I've been off this time for three months after a spine surgery, and am bored of come dine with me lol.

I work part time and it's the perfect balance for me/us. I tried and failed at full time (teaching) and it's not good fir my mental health being at home full time (a year off on mat leave sent me into depression and I'm certain I know what triggered it)

Interesting thread, thank you! Im pleased and surprised it hasn't turned into a fight!

Thanks everyone for all your continued helpful comments - it has been really interesting to read about all the different set-ups.

I sat down with DH last night and had a very long talk about what we should do, including getting the calculator out and focusing on finances and we came to the decision that I'd return to work but only 3 days a week. We looked at the difference of what financial situation we'd be in depending on whether I go back to work for 3 or 4 days (I currently only work 4) and if I did go back to my current hours we'd only be about £100 better off a month once all the childcare had been paid for. For the sake of losing £100 a month I'd rather work only 3 days a week and have an extra day at home with the baby. My husband was perfectly happy with this and so I feel a good compromise has been made. I just said that unless if financially able to I'd rather spend time at home than pay someone else to have him. We certainly couldn't afford for me to be a SAHM and 3 days childcare is something I can accept. I think I'd have felt guilty using childcare 4 days a week if we didn't actually have to.

Often the difference between 3 and 4 days isn't much. Partly because the salary for the fourth day is obviously coming off at your highest tax rate (IYSWIM).

3 days a week would be lovely. You have more time at home each week than away, but you get enough time in work to be really 'there' and doing something meaningful (as long as they don't try and get you doing a 5 day workload in 3!). It's what I would ideally like to do long term. I'd like to go back to work 3 days, then up to 4 once the children were old enough not to need wrap around care. I'd ideally like to do 4 days for the rest of my career. DH currently does ft and his possible long term plan is to get back down to 4 (which he did when I was working). I think it would be really nice to each have a day of our 'own' during the week, plus being able to get all the admin that eats up your weekends otherwise done.

That's the dream anyway...

You need to lose the maternal presumption of guilt,who would you be guilty on 4day?
I've never heard a father express guilt at returning to work ft
seems there is an assumption of maternal guilt about working but not presumed paternal angst

My experience has been that it is almost impossible to get admin-y things done with a baby to look after. I mean in addition to the admin required to keep the baby happy! Your plan sounds really sensible but I would advise getting slightly more than the absolute minimum amount of childcare you need. It was the best advice I got! Your DC won't notice and it will buy you a bit of time to do admin (also don't forget professional development for work takes time but keeps your career on an even keel long term).

I am mostly a SAHM because I wasn't working when I had my first child (we'd relocated for DH's job and I hadn't found a permanent job). However, I think I would have liked to have been one anyway, or perhaps worked part-time. I had previously worked in publishing and research administration.

On the whole I enjoy it, although it's certainly frustrating and difficult at times. I sometimes feel like I haven't achieved much professionally and that it will be hard to get back into the workplace when the children are older. Financially it is fine as we can manage easily on DH's salary (we have a joint account).

I agree with posters saying its hard to judge until the baby is here. Keep an open mind.

First time I was SAHM it was a shock, hard, quite lonely trying to find my feet, but still totally joyful. Its also gone in a flash.

Second time round so far its been quite blissful as its my last DC and I want to drink in every minuet and moment. I am more relaxed and also sadly more aware of how quickly those first 5 years go.

I can work until the day I drop dead; I will never get these first few years back.

When I am forgotten and unwanted rotting in my old folks home I can cling to these memories

Is it really so hard to judge?i had a plan, I stuck to it.quite simple really
The common presumption is the mum will give up work or reduce hours
No one expects dads to wait and then judge what the work arrangements will be

I hate being a stay at home mum. I've done it for 2.5 years to look after my toddler and baby but it's taken me that long to decide it's not for me at all. I've become miserable and resentful which does not a good mum make. I thought I was doing the 'right' thing staying off but by doing so have done myself and children a disservice as I'm unhappy and it shows. Do what's right for YOU and by doing that you'll do the best for your child/children.

Oh and I'm back to work in two weeks: yipee! Can't wait. Not a shred of guilt here.

I am not happy but that up is due to a shit marriage. I became a sahp as D s 1 was found to have hearing loss and needed me to be home for what felt like millions of appointments and intensive development stuff which I felt couldn't be done by a nursery. Now he is 4 and he is flying along and his appointments are settled so I am looking for work. Anyone need an administrator?!

I've never felt guilt about ft working or ft nursery
There is imo a societal expectation if maternal angst,guilt.no such paternal expectation

I see your point knittedjimmychoos - me and hubby have decided to only have one child so I know that this is my one chance to really enjoy a baby in the early years and drink in every minute, to use your phrase

scottishmummy - my DH is so keen for 3 day childcare too because like me he doesn't want our child in childcare for a prolonged time. He earns more than me so it doesn't make sense for him to consider reducing his hours to SAH. He has spoken to his boss and reducing his after work hours commitments though so he can be at home more. He may not have the same worries as me in terms of SAH/Working but he does still have some angst/reservations about the baby being away from us.

So your dh is worried too but it's you reduce hours?hows that equitable?

Dunno about sahm v work. I'm a sahm. Unsure really that that is actually what your talking about because you are EXTREMELY out of date in various ideas you have re money, work, being a mum, parent, bloody hell a few others too.

If your a family it's your money. Would you not take care of your DP if he was redundant ( if working)? You're having a child. You and him are now us. It's all or nothing.

Look I won't give you my views, hell, I'm also learning this. But for heavens sake read the feminist, chat, aibu, DV,money, etc boards and listen. I'm 3 yrs in and my views are massively different now to then. Look, listen, learn. You're in new territory now. Your old ideas won't get you far.

Because like I said, he is the main wage earner. We couldn't afford to run the house if we had a big drop in his salary and had to rely more so on mine.

What ideas do I have that are out of date??? I don't really understand your post?

I went back to work full time when DD at 8 months. I would have preferred part time but could not afford it. DD is in nursery full time and loves it. If I ever feel the beginnings of guilt, I quash it because it would never occur to DH/any men.

I think it's a luxury to feel guilty about the number of hours childcare etc. For many parents the first priority is to provide financially for the family. You're lucky to have options. But I wouldn't agonise about the difference between 3 and 4 days work. If you're unhappy with one, you would be able to change it, even if it's a hassle.

Writer- Earnings always seems to be the rationale why mothers reduce their hours. Yet rarely does an earning disparity translate to a father going part time whilst his partner stays full time when the earnings gap is that way around (it does sometimes, but nowhere nears as often as it would if it was a pure financial question). Do you mean you couldn't survive financially if your DP went part time?

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do 3 days. it may well suit you. But unless it is physically the only way you can afford for either of you to reduce your hours, the current earnings of each partner shouldn't be the reason for your decision.

Also, it isn't just about going part time. For example, has he thought about working one day from home so that he could do both childminder drop off and pick up and you could have a day where you are free to just come and go? Will you have fixed days out of those three you are working where he is responsible for drop off. It isn't just about days worked. It's about making sure that the full burden of flexibility and adjustment doesn't fall on your career.