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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if SAHP's are happy with their life?

232 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 09/11/2013 14:09

Firstly - no offence is meant by my title and I am in no way a person who judges either SAHP's or Working Parents. I'm just trying to gauge a sense of how SAHPs feel about their role.

My title was originally going to be, "AIBU to ask if SAHP's are happy with their choice?" but part of my post is asking if the SAHP had to make that choice because it was the only option that made financial sense as opposed to them actually wanting to be a SAHP?

What kind of careers did you give up and do you miss work? Do you feel like you have lost part of your identity or do you feel that being a SAHP is what your purpose always was?

I'm expecting my first baby and I spend some time every now and then thinking about 'Return to Work' options but I can't foresee me being a SAHP. I have a job that I love and a career I wouldn't want to sacrifice. Even if it made more financial sense to give up work I don't think I would. Are there any working parents out there who work despite it not making financial sense because they still need that aspect of their life?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 09/11/2013 20:38

I've never ironed partner shirt,he's a dab hand with iron but sends then out for ironing

Philoslothy · 09/11/2013 20:47

It is possible to run a home and both work but it is more difficult. I admire people who take joy in working and running a home. I am however quite lazy and if I could get away with spending my life meeting friends for coffee and going to the gym before popping home to put on a casserole I would.

Unfortunately DH would be mightily pissed off.

Beastofburden · 09/11/2013 20:50

Gets easier later. We both work FT but we have a clean home, home cooked food every night and ironed shirts. Mind you, someone else does both the cleaning and the ironing, which we pay for with our earnings....

TeacakeEater · 09/11/2013 20:52

Writer from your earlier posts it seems as though you can't imagine being without your career. If that is the case I think, to be Devil's Advocate for a moment, YABU to ask this of SAHMs - be true to yourself and don't fret about what others are doing.

Better to concentrate on talking to WOHPs for their tips!

Rufus44 · 09/11/2013 20:57

My children are 14, 11 and 10 so during the day I have plenty of time.

I see friends a few times a week, do a little crafting, reading and shopping, even less housework. My husband is not resentful, he usually leaves the house at 7am and comes back about7pm

It works for us, I iron and he cleans the bathrooms. He is a very hands on dad and does a lot with the children at the weekends, cooking is about 50/50.

fancyanother · 09/11/2013 20:58

I think the problem is that housework is never done when you have small DC's. You can do as much or as little as you have time to do. When I was at home, I would be obsessed with separating my washes into colours/ whites/towels blah blah now whatever needs washing gets shoved in together on a low wash. There is little difference. My house is much messier but again, whether I clean 3 x a day or once a week, it is messy again 5 minutes later. My chores seemed to expand to fill the time when I wasn't working. Now we are all fed and have clean clothes. Everything else can wait.

Rufus44 · 09/11/2013 21:01

And I think tea cake is right! you need to do what's right for you and your family....thats what we did

Phineyj · 09/11/2013 21:06

Now you have mentioned your job I suppose one thing to take into consideration is that you may want to change specialty once you have DCs of your own. There must be lots of possibilities for sideways job moves though, and you are unlikely to be unable to find work if you want it. I think that's a good situation. And do something with those novels!

fancyanother · 09/11/2013 21:11

Yes I would agree with Rufus and Teacake. If you can't see yourself as a SAHM, don't be one. Whatever you do as a parent, you feel that you should be doing the other thing. Now my DS is at school, the SAHM/ WOHM ratio is 30/70% so most WOH. There is no discernible difference between our children.
Just because you make a decision now, doesn't mean that you can never change your mind if it really isn't for you. But it does sound as if you love your job. It may not be financially viable to work when you have 1 or 2 children in childcare, but sometimes you have to play the long game with your career, especially if it is one you love and don't want to lose.

firesidechat · 09/11/2013 21:12

Reading that actually made me feel a bit ill, haha.
It just sounds so sexist and like you said, so 1950's, lol grin

It was said with my tongue ever so slightly in my cheek, but seriously I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't appreciate the hard work and valuable contribution of being a sahm. It's not an easy option and I certainly wasn't some kind of "lady who lunched". We went without lots of material things and didn't go abroad until the children were almost in their teens. We saved some money because I didn't have to buy work clothes or work lunches and didn't have a car until relatively recently. It was a personal family choice and worked for us. Just as mothers choosing to work is their choice.

firesidechat · 09/11/2013 21:13

I just knew the ironed shirts thing would push the mn buttons.

Bonsoir · 09/11/2013 21:13

I love being a SAHP in that I want to be available for my family when they need me (be that breakfast in bed, academic support, emotional support, life planning, a shoulder to cry on...) and think that DC with supportive parents do better in life.

However, I have kept busy with several sidelines and don't just do things related to my own family.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/11/2013 21:14

Why would I want to change speciality once I've had children of my own? There are thousands and thousands of paediatric nurses across the country who have their own children. On the last ward I worked on (there were about 25 nurses) there were only 2 of us who didn't have children Smile

My novels are probably a bit too outdated now to do anything with. I wrote one of them 3 years ago and the other 5 years ago. I wrote them when I lived on my own and had lots of peace and quiet which I don't get anymore Smile I would like to take it up again though!

Teacake - I completely see your point, I guess I'm just interested in how other women, who also had a career that was very important to them, felt about giving it up to be a SAHM. I just want to know if it was a decision they regretted or whether being with their child full time was worth it.

OP posts:
Philoslothy · 09/11/2013 21:14

I just liked being able to get up later.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/11/2013 21:17

Grin @ Philoslothy

OP posts:
slothlike · 09/11/2013 21:26

I am the SAHM of my 3 year old ds. Sometimes I love it; sometimes I find it, frankly, boring and stressful. I am generally happy enough, and feel very fortunate to be able to stay at home with him because I honestly think it is the best thing for him.

I'm expecting ds2 early next year and hope to be able to SAHP him as well, but once all kids are in primary school I would love to get me some actual paid employment.

Rufus44 · 09/11/2013 21:31

philoslothy that only works til they start school unfortunately

God I love the holidays!

WilsonFrickett · 09/11/2013 22:00

Erm, bonsoir you an be a supportive parent who works you know. It's not the sole preserve of SAHPs.

Bubbles1066 · 09/11/2013 22:19

No DH has said he's not resentful of me getting a bit of time to myself whilst kids are asleep/at nursery. He prefers to work I think, he finds being at home all day with the kids stressful, is grateful not to have to worry about who will collect/drop off the kids or look after them if they are ill. Makes for less stress in his life. If he had to work late or whatever he can and the kids/ house will be taken care of. He sees it as an important job that I do. He is grateful to me for looking after the kids and house for us just like I'm grateful to him for working to support us.

Philoslothy · 09/11/2013 22:22

If I only had to get up to get the children to school I could stay in bed at least two hours longer in the morning. I could then go back to bed when they had gone.

Rufus44 · 09/11/2013 22:26

philo I can't leave the house without makeup, so once I have dropped ds2 off at school and gone back to bed I would have to redo it!!!

I envy you your returning to bed ability...go you!

Philoslothy · 09/11/2013 22:28

I probably wouldn't return to bed, would probably potter about. Damn sight better than working.

heather1 · 09/11/2013 22:30

I love being a Sahm. I am fortunate my Dh has a well paid job. But even if he didn't I would still have made the choice, especially when my Ds were small. Now they are 9 and 6.
We have a good work life balance. I don't love doing the housework but I accept its kind of the price I have to pay for being at home. Saying that I'm not a slave and the Ds and Dh have their jobs so that I don't do everything.
But it did take me a while to get used to being at home when I have up paid work. For example there is little praise and gratitude for the work you do. Yes sometime my husband will say thanks for tidying or something like that but now I just praise myself a lot and think to myself good job on that h1 or yes your doing well!
When the Ds were small toddler groups kept me sane. I quickly realised I really need social contact with adults, now it's meeting friends for coffee. But everyone is different and you have to find the right balance for you. And you know sometimes it's just great to ignore all the housework and Mumsnet for a couple of hours ( but I don't tell my husband that!)
But of a ramble but that's the basics of my perspective.

scottishmummy · 09/11/2013 22:33

Better than working?dozing during day...hmm
Depends if you can persuade partner else to work ft to support sedentary life
Thought it was supposed to be ardest job in the world

ssd · 09/11/2013 22:35

yay!! sm's back! where have you been woman?

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