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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if SAHP's are happy with their life?

232 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 09/11/2013 14:09

Firstly - no offence is meant by my title and I am in no way a person who judges either SAHP's or Working Parents. I'm just trying to gauge a sense of how SAHPs feel about their role.

My title was originally going to be, "AIBU to ask if SAHP's are happy with their choice?" but part of my post is asking if the SAHP had to make that choice because it was the only option that made financial sense as opposed to them actually wanting to be a SAHP?

What kind of careers did you give up and do you miss work? Do you feel like you have lost part of your identity or do you feel that being a SAHP is what your purpose always was?

I'm expecting my first baby and I spend some time every now and then thinking about 'Return to Work' options but I can't foresee me being a SAHP. I have a job that I love and a career I wouldn't want to sacrifice. Even if it made more financial sense to give up work I don't think I would. Are there any working parents out there who work despite it not making financial sense because they still need that aspect of their life?

OP posts:
Philoslothy · 09/11/2013 22:35

I haven't said it is the hardest job in the world, I would not be currently trying to convince DH that I really need to be a SAHM for a long time if I thought it was anything like hard work.

Sadly I have to go out to work.

Rufus44 · 09/11/2013 22:39

See this is the thing, when I had three under 5 then yes it was hard work

Once they got older not so much.

ssd · 09/11/2013 22:40

and it looks like you've got a whole new crowd to rile too! Grin

MacaYoniandCheese · 09/11/2013 22:41

I'm a happy SAHM but I don't think I would be if a) we weren't financially comfortable or b) DH wasn't supportive. Those two things are key (for me, anyway) plus my children are all in school now which helps enormously.

MacaYoniandCheese · 09/11/2013 22:43

Welcome back, SM! You were missed Flowers.

treaclesoda · 09/11/2013 22:46

I am a sahm. I've never had a job that I found rewarding in any way, although I desperately wanted to have a career. But slogging away in a series of soul destroying jobs just hoping that the most recent application you've made will be your big break, the one that gets you some training, a foot in the door, an opportunity to make something of yourself, well, it grinds you down in the end. Sahm is the only role I've ever had where Ive been treated with respect and my contribution has been appreciated. Far from losing my identity by staying at home, I found myself treated as an equal by people who previously looked down their nose at me. Hmm

In my dream life, I have a career, and I work, and I find it fulfilling. But I don't have my dream life, so I make the most of what I have instead.

McRoo · 09/11/2013 22:46

I had a job I loved and a career I didn't think I'd want to sacrifice.

Before having my DS (5.5mo now) I couldn't imagine taking more than 6 months maternity leave. Now he's here it absolutely breaks my heart that I HAVE to go back to work full time for financial reasons. He will have to be in nursery from 07:30 - 18:30 five days a week.

What I'm trying to say is don't try and guess how you will feel about work or being a SAHP. I have totally surprised myself.

CoffeeChocolateWine · 09/11/2013 22:46

I returned to work after my first baby. The pregnancy was unplanned and happened at a time when work was going really well. I was enjoying being a mum but was quite eager to get back to work and show I could do it all. But work was never the same when I returned and within a year I had fallen out of love with my job and wanted more time with my DS.

When I was pregnant with DC2 I decided I didn't want to go back to work. My DH was also keen for the children to be at home with me until they were a bit older. Plus with the job I was in and the commuting costs it didn't make financial sense. And as it turned out, I would have been due to go back to work about a month before my DS was due to start school and I felt strongly that I wanted to be around for that.

So now I am a SAHM and honestly, I love it. It's not going to be forever and I know that so I'm just enjoying it. My DS has just started school and I'm so glad that I am the person who takes him and picks him up from school every day. And my DD is 15 months old so still just a baby. I do do pretty much all the housework and chores, although DH does pull his weight at weekends, and my DC drive me crazy at times, but I wouldn't change it for anything.

I feel lucky that my DH is now earning a good salary and can support me comfortably...we have been in a horrible horrible financial position for 5 years and had some very good fortune at the perfect time.

scottishmummy · 09/11/2013 22:46

I would hope couples have this topic as the big conversation,as both need to concur
For us,it was always a given id return to work ft.
We discussed nursery etc and how we'd plan drop off, and contingency plans

OrangePixie · 09/11/2013 22:47

DH works in a stressful job with long hours. If I worked, he'd have to take his turn at school runs, time off when they're sick, housework, cooking etc. So he's not resentful at all because me not working is less stressful for him.

Philoslothy · 09/11/2013 22:49

We did discuss it, with our first we could not afford a long maternity leave, with the others I have taken longer maternity leaves, as we hoped would be possible.

I have just got lazier as I have got older.

looseleaf · 09/11/2013 22:49

I'm incredibly happy at home with the children- it sometimes feels too good to be true, despite the financial pressure and lows when I feel the mundanity of housework but then I try to do something interesting to escape that like go to the V&A which DS (2) enjoys even more than me.
It would be different too if I thought I'd be at home forever as felt a pang visiting my old university today remembering the intellectual challenge and I love hearing about what my working friends are doing as it's interesting and often inspiring. But our children will both be at school before long so I'd love to wait til then and for us I wouldn't make any difference financially until then anyway as childcare costs

scottishmummy · 09/11/2013 22:50

I wanted my doc to have example of working mother,demonstrate my contribution to family

Rufus44 · 09/11/2013 22:51

We had the discussion long before we had children. We decided that we wanted someone at home full time

As he earns more it made sense for it to be me at home

Philoslothy · 09/11/2013 22:51

My children do have the example of a working mother, however in my fantasy world I spend my days wafting about in cashmere drinking gin. Maybe when the buggers leave home and I have nobody to set an example to.

CuppaTeaForTheBigFella · 09/11/2013 22:52

I'm a SAHM but not through choice.
We do find it hard living on just DHs wage, and when DD starts school I plan to hopefully find a term time only job.
I love being at home with DD, but also enjoy the time she is at Playschool so that I can do all the chores quickly, and then be 'all hers' when she finishes. We do lots of meeting up with friends so I don't get lonely.
We have a joint bank account which DHs money goes in to, plus tax credits. All bills are paid, shopping, petrol etc paid for and anything DD needs, and then we have a little bit of pocket money each week. There's never been an issue about 'DH earns it, so it's his money' etc

kerala · 09/11/2013 22:56

Love it! Worked in city high salary travel etc couldn't bear to leave dd so became sahm have had to run the gamut of sneerers but believe people are more than their job titles some of the dullest people I've met the conventionally "successful"...never felt beholden to dh we are a team and anyway kept earning despite being sahm although not at same level

Wuldric · 09/11/2013 22:57

I just don't understand the sahm thing. Fine, do it if you want to and all that. But giving up work is giving up work. It means losing financial independence in a world where close to 50% of marriages end in divorce. The pin-money schtick is just a fig-leaf.

I guess it depends whether or not (a) you trust your partner in your bones and (b) whether or not you had a good interesting and fulfilling job.

The mistake most people make in this situation is trying to factor in other people's wants and needs. That's a route to resentment. It's not about them. Don't go back to work because you feel guilty about your partner. Don't stay at home because you feel guilty about your kids.

This is a decision that is not about them. It's about you.

kerala · 09/11/2013 22:59

Totally agree. Go with gut instinct. Mine to stay at home to others that's hell - we are all different.

Rufus44 · 09/11/2013 22:59

I wanted to do for my children what my mum did for me

Unfortunately she went back to work when I was 8 so I fucked up there Grin

I do wonder if she would be nagging at me to go back to work by now, but she's dead so it's a moot point

Phineyj · 09/11/2013 23:03

I think it's a good idea to plan in detail for how you feel now but possibly change your mind later - because if you haven't sorted decent childcare and backup, or your DP isn't on the same page as you, well in advance, you may be forced into a situation not of your choosing. Obviously the unexpected can happen too - illness, redundancy. But post-childbirth is not the time to plan to do tedious admin negotiating things if you can possibly avoid it!

I can completely understand where people are coming from who disliked their pre-DC jobs, however - why plan to continue something you hate unless you absolutely have to?

I just don't think the onus should be on the person who gave birth to give up the job they like/love/worked hard for, if they don't want to.

Rufus44 · 09/11/2013 23:03

Agree with wuldric re making your decision about you

And yeah, I did have an interesting job, but we made the best decision for us at the time.

It's worked so far and if it stops working I will be posting on the relationship board so you will all be the first to know

scottishmummy · 09/11/2013 23:04

I was 1st in family to go uni.career mean lot to me.i like working
I couldn't be financially dependent upon a partner,too precarious.dont like it ideologically
Op you seem pretty certain you'll return to work,start to plan the details now

Phineyj · 09/11/2013 23:05

You can trust your partner 100%. It makes no diffence to their likelihood of getting made redundant, does it?

Rufus44 · 09/11/2013 23:06

I liked my old life, and I like this one.

After the children have left home? Who knows...