AIBU to ask if SAHP's are happy with their life?

[Writerwannabe83]

Firstly - no offence is meant by my title and I am in no way a person who judges either SAHP's or Working Parents. I'm just trying to gauge a sense of how SAHPs feel about their role.

My title was originally going to be, "AIBU to ask if SAHP's are happy with their choice?" but part of my post is asking if the SAHP had to make that choice because it was the only option that made financial sense as opposed to them actually wanting to be a SAHP?

What kind of careers did you give up and do you miss work? Do you feel like you have lost part of your identity or do you feel that being a SAHP is what your purpose always was?

I'm expecting my first baby and I spend some time every now and then thinking about 'Return to Work' options but I can't foresee me being a SAHP. I have a job that I love and a career I wouldn't want to sacrifice. Even if it made more financial sense to give up work I don't think I would. Are there any working parents out there who work despite it not making financial sense because they still need that aspect of their life?

I love currently being a SAHP. I’m not financially dependant on my husband, as I have savings if I need them, but his wage goes into a joint pot for our family. He is dependant on me for childcare, I don’t owe him anything. We work together to make oir finances work. I had 15 years of a career which I made it very far in. Quite easy to go back to, but I don’t know if I will ever want to, certainly not chasing anything but would rather balance a good lifestyle and being available for my children and lower down the ‘ladder’ sort of. I’d hate to leave my small children every day, it’s all personal preference. I still keep up with the news and politics, my career (education) certainly wasn’t any more satisfying.

I was a SAHP for 10 years. I wish I was still a SAHP!

I gave up a high-flying well paid career. Our household income dropped by 2/3. It was my choice and I loved it. Our money was always joint.

I did get out loads, and did volunteer (at a local school and I founded my own toddler group) to alleviate some boredom.

I went into a different (very low-paid, vocational) job after 10 years. It's term-time only so I can be around for the children before and after school.

I am a SAHP, I worked with vulnerable teens. I don't miss the hours, I couldn't have done it once having my little one partly because of parenting choices I made (bf for a few years for eg), because OH is main wage earner and his role more secure (council cutbacks, several times over I was put on temp contracts when moving to better roles etc) and because his job, at times, demands long working hours (games industry). I haven't yet reached a point where DC is going to be ok with wraparound childcare and we're currently having school issues so a school move (more disruption) or poss home ed on the cards. I am looking into some work from home options. Also, this might sound daft but we also have a needy dog and he struggles with being alone if I have a busy errand day between school drop off and pick up! I manage most of the house stuff (except I don't vac as much I could because curse you Henry and your unmanageable bulk). My main concerns are future funds and my brain going to pieces, but I've had the headspace to learn a lot about myself and my anxieties and poss autistic spectrum stuff. Work was wonderful but exhausted me, I know some people who cope doing both and I do think I would have benefited from time away from DC when he was younger. No family nearby, friends all worked or had their own smalls. And honestly the time bloody flies.

I took a six year career break to be home. Mostly I enjoyed it. We could manage without childcare, could travel when we wanted to and I didn’t need to stress about illness etc. I kept my hand in by working part time and last year completed a full time course in a different field. The two years before beginning the course I was starting to get increasingly bored at home and feeling frustrated. I lived for weekends when everyone was home but then found they felt the same as every other day.

I’m happy to be back at work although I’ve definitely took a step down I feel confident in 5 years I’ll be back where I was financially and paying into a pension. I took a job with a 15 minute commute which was essential.

I have been a full time working mum and also a SAHM. Honestly, working full time was a nightmare. I hated dropping my babies off with a childminder. I hated being at work and having to put a smile on my face when people asked how the kids were when I was missing them so much. I could not imagine wasting my kids childhood away sitting in a conference room at work every day and only spending quality time with them on the weekends. We got really lucky that my husband's career really took off and we didn't need my income anymore. His annual bonus was more than a made in a year so I quit after baby #3. I love my life now. I sleep great at night and have zero guilt or stress. I don't mind taking care of 80% of the household stuff because I'm home way more. I also have investments and a property that I rent out so still somewhat have an income. I'm doing a part time masters degree to keep my options open in the future but for now I am so happy with the way things are. I never thought I could walk away from a career I worked hard for over 10 years but I have zero regrets about taking this time off.

I planned to be a sahm after I worked alot with my first child. But I planned many children. I only have 2.

If I was to do it all again. I would still plan to be a sahm. If I get remarried I would plan to be a sahm.

I can't see a career I would enjoy doing as much. I do plan to be self employed at some point but I mourn the day I am no longer needed by my children.
I think for me it will be a downhill slide from then.

OP, I have been a SAHM for 16 years now. We have 4 DC with two year gaps between them.

I worked in a social work field prior to having DC and to be honest I was burnt out. After we had DC1, I didn’t even consider childcare or nurseries for him. I’d spent years working with other people’s children and giving my all there, so why on earth would I not want to do the same for my own. I had also done an MA in a psychotherapy field so was aware of the importance of attachment etc and I felt that nobody else could give my children the same as I could. It was as simple as that.

DH was in banking so always earned at a level where my salary would have been negligent anyway. He was more than happy for me to be at home because he would rather the DC with their mother than having to involve others.

We never discuss money and we have no concept whatsoever of split finances. He has gone on to create and sell his own companies over the time I’ve been a SAHM. He’s extremely work focused and travels a lot, but I’m fine with that because that’s part and parcel if the lifestyle we have. His work is what pays the school fees and everything else and I’m happy in my life. Yes 4 DC can be s lit at times, but at least I don’t have to worry about a job in top of everything else! DH has been extremely successful and I’ve supported him all the way. Yes, he could have made his money alone, but he couldn’t have done it and had 4 happy DC and a home life. So that’s the balance. We respect each other for what we bring to the family.

I have never felt bored. I’ve never felt any less interesting for not having a job - who wouid want to hear about someone else’s job anyway? Its only really interesting or relevant to the person doing it! I feel privileged that I e been able to focus on the things that are most important to me. I’ve put a lot if energy into supporting the DC through school. One has dyslexia so I’ve learned all about that to support him. Another has just got eleven grade “9s” in his GCSEs, even though teachers practically wrote him off as having “motor planning problems” at 7, when he could barely hold a pen.

Now I’m mid 40s and will be returning to work in the future, but I want to work for myself. I’m doing another MA in a similar field to previously and will either see clients from an annexe at our home, or elsewhere. I’m excited about the next chapter as the DC are becoming teens and looking forward to rediscovering myself in a professional role. I need a new challenge now for my 50s and the time feels right, all of a sudden.

Most of the women I know are SAH to be honest. Nobody thinks twice about it. Probably at the prep it’s at least 80% SAHMs, I would say, if not more and I’m sure all these women have at least a first degree and were in professional jobs before. They are all married to bankers, diplomats, barristers etc - ie men that are very full-on and work committed. You have to have some balance in the family or it can all get too much - racing through life without pausing to take it in!

Anyway, it’s irrelevant what anyone else does. No two families are the same. You don’t need to justify anything. Life is what you make it and nothing is ever static either. See how you feel when the baby comes along. Good luck!!