AIBU to ask if SAHP's are happy with their life?

[Writerwannabe83]

Firstly - no offence is meant by my title and I am in no way a person who judges either SAHP's or Working Parents. I'm just trying to gauge a sense of how SAHPs feel about their role.

My title was originally going to be, "AIBU to ask if SAHP's are happy with their choice?" but part of my post is asking if the SAHP had to make that choice because it was the only option that made financial sense as opposed to them actually wanting to be a SAHP?

What kind of careers did you give up and do you miss work? Do you feel like you have lost part of your identity or do you feel that being a SAHP is what your purpose always was?

I'm expecting my first baby and I spend some time every now and then thinking about 'Return to Work' options but I can't foresee me being a SAHP. I have a job that I love and a career I wouldn't want to sacrifice. Even if it made more financial sense to give up work I don't think I would. Are there any working parents out there who work despite it not making financial sense because they still need that aspect of their life?

Just for the record - I do not look down on SAHMs. But I do not know many because it is too expensive to live where I live on one salary unless your other half earns heaps. And then you never see him/her.

Wuldric I agree with your take on the decision-making process.

I do think financial pressures are making SAHParenting less of an option.

No I'm not happy at all. But for the moment being a SAHP is best for my family.

I hate relying on someone for money. It sits very uncomfortable with me. But I just have to suck it up and get on with it for now.

Agree with tea cake re today's financial pressure

At the moment I have only three friends who work full time (teacher midwife and social worker) all the others are either SAHP or work variations of part time from 4 hours a week to 4 days a week

So at the moment I have plenty of company

Oh okay, sorry OP - I knew someone who worked with children in hospital and she found it too distressing once she had her own. You and your colleagues are obviously better at detaching, which is good, as otherwise there would be no staff, come to think of it! I think that is very positive too as it means your workplace has lots of working mums and it is normal. So does mine and it really helps.

Welcome back scottishmummy
I missed you, even if that is just sycophantic words on a screen

I may be a wee bit tipsy...

I don't have past experience yet but just wanted to put my tuppence in!

I'm currently on Maternity leave and due to return to work in 4 months. I'm still dithering about wanting to return to work. I've always wanted to be a mum and throw myself into play dates, housework and more importantly spending as much time as possible with my DS.

I've always had reasonably paid jobs and a good career that I enjoyed but I always felt I've been biding my time until I became a mum. I absolutely hated that all my 'good energy' was spent at work and getting home at 7.30 ish in the evenings left me knackered and 2 days a week is never enough to do all the bits I need to do AND re-charge my batteries.

The financial aspect is the obvious problem, however I was bought up 1 of 5 kids where money and treats were few and far between, so I feel we can cope if we have to, spending time with my baby is priceless of course. I was the higher earner and Dp's job doesn't pay very well, I've been nagging him for years to get a better paid one but he is very stuck in his ways. With the extra time on my hands I'm going to help him more and finally look into writing which has always been my dream.

I'd like to go back part time but not yet sure if that's possible. I guess I secretly hope it won't be available and the decision can be made for me! I'll definitely NOT go back full time.

Hmm time will tell I suppose, its really interesting reading this thread though.

What's your dp view,given there'd be a significant drop.will he pick up the slack
The key,IMO is both need to concur and share the same attitude to family
Have you been pragmatic and done the sums

I have done all full/part/student at hme all the time.

I hated working full time missed the kids will never do that til they are grown again.

I hated being at home full time, it was mental (had 3 under 4), felt suffogated.

Love part time. I work 2 days its fabulous, and now the littlest in nursery for a couple of mornings when I am not working it is amazing, Im getting time to myself, but I get to enjoy the kids the rest of the time.

we probably bring in the same if I worked or not, but I want to keep my foot in the door and have more options. its easier to negotiate hours in a job you have than finding a job with suitable hours iyswim?

I would think differently if dh earned substantially more though, because I do quite like being off work currently on Mat leave

I was only 21 having my first, an unplanned but happy to have baby, I was earning £21k in a admin role. We discussed me going back but decided I would do an access course with a view to uni. I did said course for two days a week. I fell pregnant not long after I finished and had my second. When he was a year old I started uni which was 50% 4 days uni and 50% full time vocational with a lot of overtime. I fell pregnant again, planned, a year into the course.

I class myself as being a SAHP since DC1 but actually on reflection I have only been a proper SAHM since my third child.

I find being home full time bloody hard, I found full time uni bloody hard but in different ways. The latter hard in a household sense and the former in a emotional/ mental sense.

Finance hasn't really been a factor, I was making no money either way and if I went back toad in work my £21k wouldn't cover the £85 a day childcare for the youngest let alone the wrap around care for the other two.

I struggled I initially having my H support us all but it has become normal and I'm lucky that he views it as our money not his that he gives me some of. He earns a good wage but not amazing I the area we live. We do ok, eat well, socialise often and the kids get everything they need. I don't get any new stuff but that's life, I'm sure I can have lovely stuff one day I the future.

I do love it, though it was an adjustment for sure. I didn't really have a career before, just jobs; once we decided to start a family we both agreed that I'd stay home with children as DH has a good career that he loves.

I'm not Susie Housewife though-I go out with my DD and do things with her. I'd definitely say I do the bulk of the household work, but I'm there for DD first. Also, DH lives here too, so he does housework too when he can.

That being said-children don't have to be absolutely everything...by that I mean, yes they're very important obviously, but you're a human being. You're allowed to have outside interests.

Hth, with whatever you decide.

I've read some interesting stuff on this debate - much of it blogs from women in their mid to late 30's who have gone from professional careers to being SAHM's.

I've come to the conclusion mine and DP's situation is perfect. We had our DS while we were still in education, meaning he had two years of nursery fees paid for us (we now pay a fortune in tax so I don't feel guilty about the help we used to receive!!). Now he is two I have finished uni and started my first graduate job. It seems perfect that as he gets older, my workload will increase, as opposed to working up and then taking on loads of responsibility of a baby now that your workload is at its peak!

I liked being a sahm, but I hated being jealous of DP's friends and life in general. I love dressing professionally and going out for drinks after work now. I'm so much more confident!

In terms of being reliant, since me and dp don't intended to marry, I kind of worried he could just up and leave and I'd be stuck. Not an issue now we're both equal partners.

I'm pleased with the choice I made. It makes sense for us as a family. If we need it I would look at returning to work earlier but at the moment I'm studying part time so feel like while I'm a SAHP I'm actually going to be in a better position to do the work that I want when I return to the work force. I'm also volunteering in lots of things which is good for me but also fits in with the type of work I will do.
That being said I did do a six week contract because we needed the money. It was working in my field and is in fact how I imagined I'd earn my living with children. I hated it. Essentially I was touring with a small child and , long hours, stressful blah blah. It was the life I imagined i would lead but the reality was really not so good.
I'm also aware that in the long term not earning will reduce our lifestyle so I make contributions to a pension fund not much but a little each week.

I've gone back and forth since the kids were born.

What is important to me, is knowing that if my husband left me for his secretary, or was hit by a bus, that I am capable of putting a roof over the heads of my children and giving them a comfortable life. I have plenty of work experience, I make sure I keep my hand in, so to speak, so I have updated skills.

I chose to be a stay at home mum at first and I love it! My youngest has special needs so I can't work because I am her carer but I absolutely love my job as a carer and mum. I think if I had a choice I would work with kids anyway so it's not far from what I would do, I just don't get paid obviously but that's ok as my husband supports us....just. I am super happy with my choice and wouldn't have it any other way.

I find it tough as I very rarely get a break from my kids at all. Baby and 3 yr old. Literally I get about an hour every 3 weeks. No family nearby and babysitting services pretty pricey round here. But to me that's preferable to a nursery situation for the kids.

Finances were fine initially as I got a good maternity package and savings but 4 years in it is tough on one salary.

We really need a bigger place to live so I will return to work probably solely for that reason, ie, to get an income multiple for borrowing purposes.

We could leave London but I don't want to. It's lovely. I would rather work than be in the sticks.

When I look for work eventually I am only going to visit companies who offer flexitime. I am thinking for about 2 years I might need to pay a nanny though and I'm not sure when to start looking. Ideally once baby is about 3? Not sure yet.

It doesn't have to be one or the other but a lot will depend on personal circumstances. I have 2 DC with 3 year age gap. I had over a year maternity leave with first and 8 months with second, the ages of the children meant first started nursery when on maternity leave with second so child care costs were less.

I worked 3 days a week until second was in school and did 4 short days for a while to be able to do school/nursery pickup. When DH was made redundant I worked 4 full days for nearly two years and he stayed home while he looked for a job. This actually meant I did much better at work and I now earn much more than I dd and more than DH. He now works 4 short days so is at home when kids get in from school. We are rural so children get picked up and dropped off from school which helps.

They are both in high school now so needs are different, I think I would have increased hours through choice now as there are fewer other parents around, more are working so less of the coffee mornings etc that used to keep me busy before they started school.

Part time work still allowed me to take them to school / nursery when I wanted and go to playgroups, see other parents but also kept career going, no way would I be earning what I do now if I had not kept working.

Keep your options open! I agree with others so say no one knows what is around the corner regarding illness or redundancy, we have had both and struggled at times but would have been so much harder if I had not kept working.

Having said all that I also recognise the second stage that someone up thread mentioned. I enjoy the benefits of work but not so much what Ido any more so would like to retrain or scale back on work at some point.

It is really all a balance of time, money, resources, health, happiness. You absolutely do what is best and right for your family and you and both parents must agree, and you need to adapt as circumstances change, there really is no one answer for even one person as things change over time and children grow up!

I've always wanted to be a SAHP. I am lucky enough that DH doesn't mind me staying at home, and his wage is ok enough to look after us all.

I love staying at home.

I've recently returned to work part time after maternity leave, and I think I would have found it very hard indeed to go back full time. I panic and feel sick and anxious about leaving my baby with someone other than DH or me for just 2 days a week and have done a fair bit of crying about it. I just hope once DS has settled in I'll feel happier.

I'm also worried that we'll struggle to stay on top of things at home with DH working long hours and me working in a high stress environment with the commute from hell.

Having said that, I found mat leave stressful, tough, boring and lonely at times. I hadn't realised how much I relied on work for my self esteem. And, honestly, I'm a much better parent for working part time.

Practically, I know I'd struggle to find as good a p/t job if I'd become a SAHP and then wanted/needed to return to work.

And even taking additional costs into account, my part time wage is a substantial contribution to the family pot (about £1k after tax and childcare per month). If it wasn't, it would have been a much harder decision to make to return or not TBH.

Interestingly I don't know of any women who, previously the breadwinner, quit their jobs to become a SAHM.

Ultimately it was the practical elements that made the decision for us, and taking everything into account I feel that this is the best decision for us all as a family.

In a perfect world, leave and jobs could be more flexible. My eventual hope is to find a job where I can work school hours four days per week.

It's a very difficult decision to make.

I never thought I'd be a SAHM.

I think we are fortunate that one of us could do it. I was always going to be more suited to the role and wanted to do it which surprised me.

I won't be dishonest, I've struggled at times. I've suffered from lack of self worth, of feeling like everyone else comes before me, of feeling dependent, of jealously from seeing my hubby doing so well in his career knowing know I could only get an entry level position if I return to being employed. It's a lot to give up but a lot to get back in return.

I'm happy being a SAHM but I always think about what I missed out on too. Obviously there's the money, the pension, the career, the self worth etc that a job gives. There's also the difficulty of returning to the workplace and having to start from scratch after 12+ years out and all my previous employers having gone bust!

Us I'm happy as I am but it's the what ifs. For example, I'm stood in a cake shop, I only have enough money for one cake and there are 3 of my favs there. I'll enjoy what I chose but would I have enjoyed one of the others more. Simplistic but you get what I mean I hope!

I would also say that's its perfectly normal to be agonising over this. I had sleepless nights trying to make the right decision and even after I'd done it, still wondered if it was right. So don't feel that it should be an easy decision, it's not!

...oh and I was the main breadwinner. Hubby was an electrician and I headed up a customers service dept.

I worked in childcare. Returning to work would have meant paying someone to look after my children while I was looking after someone else's child .

Since having children our outgoings have more than doubled whilst our income has halved. I have no money of my own and have had to give up my car -and thus a lot of my independence- and sometimes I think I'll forget what it's like to have proper adult conversation.

But mostly I love it. I love seeing the day to day changes in my children. I love knowing what they've done that day, what they've eaten, who they play with etc.

One day, when they're less dependant, I can work again. There will be money to spend on frivolities for me, there can be a car, there can be foreign holidays.

Never again will my children have their first tooth, first word, first step, first day at school, first nativity play. Being a sahm means I've been a witness to all these milestones, large and small. To me, that's worth more than anything else.

I became a sahm last year, ds is now 16 months old. Before that Id finished uni and was searching for a job (never found one), and i was just setting up my own business when i discovered i was pregnant.

I found the first year of sitting around with a newborn really really touch if im honest. I didnt have family who could take him and give me a break, my breaks came when dp came home from work and i could have 5 minutes to myself. I know this is different for everyone, but i think that has added to me hating being stuck at home. Ive lost out on meeting new people through work and thats what gets to me the most, the lonliness somedays is unbearable. Im a shy person by nature so found it tough to fit in a baby groups etc.

I made a decision that once ds was 1 i would enrol him in nursery a couple of days a week so i could carry on with my business. Looking back it was the best move ever!

Ive never felt financially dependant on my partner, Hes worked full time since he left school, I havent. Yet Im the one who has saved in all that time, whereas he has no savings to fall back on. we split the bills equally.

The only thing that really worries me is if we ever split, he would carry on as normal where i would be thrown in at the deep end probably having to find regular full time work rather than plodding along with self employment.So in answer to your original question, no i did not like being a sahp. it has it perks such as spending more time with your child etc, but at the end of the day i needed to do something for myself, not feel like i was drifting!