AIBU to ask if SAHP's are happy with their life?

[Writerwannabe83]

Firstly - no offence is meant by my title and I am in no way a person who judges either SAHP's or Working Parents. I'm just trying to gauge a sense of how SAHPs feel about their role.

My title was originally going to be, "AIBU to ask if SAHP's are happy with their choice?" but part of my post is asking if the SAHP had to make that choice because it was the only option that made financial sense as opposed to them actually wanting to be a SAHP?

What kind of careers did you give up and do you miss work? Do you feel like you have lost part of your identity or do you feel that being a SAHP is what your purpose always was?

I'm expecting my first baby and I spend some time every now and then thinking about 'Return to Work' options but I can't foresee me being a SAHP. I have a job that I love and a career I wouldn't want to sacrifice. Even if it made more financial sense to give up work I don't think I would. Are there any working parents out there who work despite it not making financial sense because they still need that aspect of their life?

Aargh! Influenced by friends - I don't go around telling people what to do! except on Mumsnet

My experience was this, I accidentally became a sahm. Massively career driven, had a one off job, top of my game. Had my son, oh works long long hours so the running around would fall to me. My job involved long travel (sometimes away) long hours. It wouldn't have been fair to expect a child to fit into that (not to mention somewhere fit house work into that!) So after 6 months of having my son I realised this, I was also surprisingly loving being at home.

So fast forward 5 years, do I regret it? Not at all, it was the best thing for my family. My sons happy, oh is happy. Financially, it's a bit shit. Oh gives me £100 a week for food clothes etc and it's a struggle.
Career wise, suicide for my profession. So when I go back I will need to retrain and think of something else to do. That worries me.

The best advice I can give is see how you feel, some people expect to love it but hate it and visa versa. Don't make any decisions now and take the time to decide.

"Does anyone think that if the household can exist on one salary then one parent should give up work? Like they should fulfill the responsibility to raise the child they chose to have?"

Working parents still raise their children the last time i looked

Given the amount of relationships that break down, its a huge risk to stop working and rely on another adult. If anything happens, with no recent experience its hard to find work.

From another aspect, I didnt want DS believing that women stay home and men have to work. I want him to have more to look forward to in life than having to work soley to support another adult simply because he is male. He has seen its perfectly possible to work and parent side by side.

I was a SAHM for a long time, some might say I still am as I only work 2 part days a week (about 1.25 days a week in total).

I never felt like I was 'only a mum'. Everybody is much more than one label, be it a job title or SAHM.

Not surprisingly I know a lot of SAHM and most of them developed other interests after the first exhausting months wore off. It seems like a natural progression. I personally have done a masters degree (which I hope to use to gain employment one day, when I have figured out how), I have done voluntary work and run things like toddler groups. Now I am a school governor and I have started up a quilt group after doing a city and guilds course (more work than you would imagine actually). Oh and I have a small internet based business which used to take a fair bit of time but which has got neglected in recent months.

I have another friend who has started her own business, freelancing. She does stuff for the church related to her business for free. Another one worked for her husband and now does so much for his business that she is full time but it was a gradual thing that built up.

I never know what to say when people ask what you do - even when I was in a job I didn't think that was really the most interesting or important thing I could say about myself. Now I do so many different things that no label would suitably define me anyway. Don't worry about labels and let other parts of your life develop if you decide to be a SAHP. It can be just as fulfilling, more so if you enjoy freedom to be yourself.

Malcolmtucker of all the replies I connected with yours the most the only slight difference is I'm 39 and earn 15h min wage (ish) a week as a TA. I've kind of got it in my head that I've got till 45 to amount to something work wise (just to earn an ave uk wage would be fine) I personally think that after that age I've had it

Out of interest what is the ave wage in the uk for a women? Will go and google

I loved being a sahm, but in my day most mothers were. I was never bored because children, housework (low on my list of priorities), decorating, friends and hobbies were more than enough to fill a day. Also like I say, every mother I knew was also at home, so an active social life was pretty easy.

I had a job and not a career, so not working for a few years wasn't an issue.

I also had a husband who I trusted and who was very supportive.

I honestly don't know how parents manage these days. The stress of juggling a career, children and home would just about finish me. It makes me a little sad that being a sahm seems to be so looked down on in certain circles these days. I think that being at home did benefit my children. Although I seem to have made a rod for my own back because even now, as adults, they expect me to be at the end of the phone to answer every question and solve every problem.

I meant to add that if you think one parent should give up work if funds allow, fair enough if both parents are prepared to consider it, but in my experience the men rarely feel guilt about the whole 'should' thing - they simply work much longer hours and try to earn more. They are rarely asked how it feels to be a 'working dad', either! So don't do it out of guilt or obligation. My DM gave up her flourishing business to raise me and DSis but did so quite gladly she says - very different to having to spend your life being grateful for someone's sacrifice (my goodness she was a fun and patient mum too - I could never come up to that standard - I am much more like my DF).

Generally, yes, I am happy with my life. I'm a SAHM to two boys (6 & 3). It was not my only option, but this is the one that suits our family best. My DH works long hours (8-8 most days), he often has evening functions to attend, and he travels for work regularly and unpredictably. So, realistically, I would need to be self-employed. We're working on this.

I gave up a career in finance. I do miss it sometimes. I specifically miss earning my own money and the satisfaction I got from that, and the banter with colleagues and friends who I saw every day. I don't miss commuting, having a boss, office politics, and unpredictable hours that would be a nightmare with small DC. My old job would've been a bad fit with motherhood, so that made it easier to give up.

Do I feel I've lost part of my identity? Yes, but that's mainly because a) SAHPs have bugger all status in our society and raising your own DC is not seen as a valid life choice, and b) there is a common perception that those of us who do not work are either thick and/or have nothing interesting to talk about. But you know what? If I worked in my old job now I would be run ragged and probably do a rubbish job both at work and of raising my DC. This life as a SAHM is not perfect (and sometimes I nearly go out of my mind with the tedium), but during term-time, when I get a chance to have a bit of an adult life, it's not bad either. And that's good enough for me right now, because this stage doesn't last forever.

I always knew I'd return ft after dc.booked nursery place 12wk pregnant
I love working,I get fulfilment from it.never considered being housewife
I think you intuitively know what you want.and ignore the precious moment crew

Quite a few responses give the impressions of SAHM's having time to themselves, enjoying spending time with their friends and starting new hobbies which seems very appealing. However, don't some of the working dad's ever come across as resentful if this really is the case?? If I was a SAHM I'd feel like I was taking the p*ss out of my husband, sending him out to work long hours whilst I did nothing but be lucky enough to spend time with our child and enjoy a social life.....

If the scenario was the other way round I think I'd be really resentful of the stay at home parent....

If you think there is any chance you will want to go back and will use a nursery, look at least a year in advance of needing it to start (yes, while you are pregnant). That way you can pick a nursery you really like and won't be bounced into a decision. You don't have to take any place offered and we were only asked for one deposit - this in a highly populated part of the SE. It was the best piece of advice I was given...

I think once the kids are at school,or attending nursery being housewife is a nice skive

Op look at nursery now,they have waiting lists you'll need to plan ahead
Does your employer do salary sacrifice vouchers for nursery
I'd advise Keep in touch with work when on mat leave,keeps you in loop

Quite a few responses give the impressions of SAHM's having time to themselves, enjoying spending time with their friends and starting new hobbies which seems very appealing

It does! Maybe if the kids are older that's the case - can't say it is for me at the minute

That was certainly an issue in our case, writer.

May I ask about your username - is that what you want to do long term? Does your P support that ambition if so?

I am a writer too and when my (paid) work has settled down I hope to get back to it. I think I would have needed willpower of steel to write and be a full time SAHP, although I know some people manage.

Phiney - I'm a Paediatric Nurse but always wanted to be a writer since I was a young child. I have wrote two novels which are just sitting on my DeskTop, I have never actually done anything with them. I might start my 3rd when my Maternity Leave starts

I loved being a SAHM with DS1 and DS2 and couldn't envisage ever not being a SAHM (until they were well established in school) but by the time I Was looking after DS3 I felt myself getting jaded, and not only did I not particularly enjoy it, but I felt I wasn't doing a very good job for DS3. So I went back to work when he was 2. He adored being in nursery and I was happier.

Quite a few responses give the impressions of SAHM's having time to themselves, enjoying spending time with their friends and starting new hobbies which seems very appealing. However, don't some of the working dad's ever come across as resentful if this really is the case?? If I was a SAHM I'd feel like I was taking the pss out of my husband, sending him out to work long hours whilst I did nothing but be lucky enough to spend time with our child and enjoy a social life.....*

If the scenario was the other way round I think I'd be really resentful of the stay at home parent....

Well I can only speak for mine and not for all husbands, but why should he be resentful. If I had worked the wages I earned would have been spent almost exclusively on childcare. Our weekends and evenings were free to enjoy spending time together because everything was done during the day. Neither of us wanted to use childcare and we had no family nearby to help out. He had a clean, tidy house, home cooked meals, ironed shirts and a relatively calm house. What's to resent?

I know, I know very 1950's housewife. It wasn't the 1950's, but it wasn't so long ago that this is how the majority of households worked and on the whole it did work well.

Well it worked for me. Maybe not for everyone, but then working wives doesn't work for everyone either.

I have always been a WOHM, apart from about a year when I was made redundant while pregnant and did a bit of agency work until DS2 was born. I don't really know the answer. I work part time but in a demanding job. I still have to do the lions share of the household tasks as well as working.
Many of my friends are SAHM's and when my DS1 was born, I was in a minority of those who went back to work. The main reason why I went back, and really the reason why I would not seriously contemplate being a FT SAHM is that I think the pressure on DH to provide for the whole family would be too much for him.
I was miserable when I was not working, not because I hated being at home with the kids but because of the fear that we would be left destitute if DH was made redundant. (There was a real risk that both of us would have been made redundant at the same time at one point).
However, this has happened to a few of my friends who were SAHM's and they have just gone out and got jobs. My DH is never one to look at the bright side of any situation when there is a disaster to be contemplated, so where one couple would have just dealt with it, I feel it would have meant he was always on edge and worried about his job which in turn would have put added pressure on me.
I am contemplating going freelance, which would mean a massive drop in income, but hopefully a better balance. I feel that as long as I keep my hand in, I would be able to scale my workload up if needed. I feel if I stopped work completely, I wouldn't have to confidence or the ability to be able to just go out there and get a job if needed.

For me, I did 7 years full time SAHM, as my kids had disabilities that meant they needed hospital care, but also as I liked it.

Then my dad and disabled brother both died in quick succession and my mum was left high and dry after a lifetime caring for them. I realised that for me, the balance was wrong. 5 years pt followed, and I have been FT now for just over 10 years.

So I would say, pace yourself. You can't retire until you are 68 or so, so even if you are 40 before you return, there is ages left. Just keep a sense of where you would go, so you don't end up unskilled and unconfident.

It's easy to feel that the men are so much more skilled and experienced than we are, if they forge ahead in their 30s and we don't. What you have to realise is that most of them then stick in their 50s so you can overtake them

"He has a clean, tidy house, home cooked meals, ironed shirts and a relatively calm house"

Reading that actually made me feel a bit ill, haha.
It just sounds so sexist and like you said, so 1950's, lol

It's perfectly possible to have nice life,home cooked dinner with 2working partners
Working doesn't equate microwave slop and a chaotic home life
And hey sends the shirts to be ironed.or he irons own shirts

I think I've only ironed my husband's shirt about 10 times over the last 3 years If he wants crease free clothes he can iron them himself! The same theory will stand when I'm on Maternity