AIBU to ask if SAHP's are happy with their life?

[Writerwannabe83]

Firstly - no offence is meant by my title and I am in no way a person who judges either SAHP's or Working Parents. I'm just trying to gauge a sense of how SAHPs feel about their role.

My title was originally going to be, "AIBU to ask if SAHP's are happy with their choice?" but part of my post is asking if the SAHP had to make that choice because it was the only option that made financial sense as opposed to them actually wanting to be a SAHP?

What kind of careers did you give up and do you miss work? Do you feel like you have lost part of your identity or do you feel that being a SAHP is what your purpose always was?

I'm expecting my first baby and I spend some time every now and then thinking about 'Return to Work' options but I can't foresee me being a SAHP. I have a job that I love and a career I wouldn't want to sacrifice. Even if it made more financial sense to give up work I don't think I would. Are there any working parents out there who work despite it not making financial sense because they still need that aspect of their life?

I hope DH is happy!

Originally our plan was to try to share childcare by both going part time. My job however involves unpredictable hours, shift work and on call work; DH at the time was a civil servant and the option of part time in his dept was limited to non existent. I earned 3x his salary if not more so we decided it made financial sense for him to stay at home full time and me to earn our income.

DS are now 5&7 and homeschooled so he's probably busier than I am. He also sorts out finances (keeps an eye on the accounts, tracks our spending), sorts out the ongoing building work, looks after the garden and dogs and cat as well as boys, runs the cars (so they are registered and have fresh warrants when they need them), makes sure bills are paid - and does all the tax, billing, client chasing and managing of the small business we run as a sideline.

In exchange, I work full time 50-60h a week and all money earned is ours. He's as financially dependent on me as I am on him (would be unable to work without the flexibility him being the sahp gives).

We have a cleaner because as someone said earlier, he's a sahP not a sah-dogsbody (he does do the laundry though!). I do most of the cooking because I enjoy it, although I put up batches of tomato base sauce every few weeks so if he needs to cook he can use a jar of that with pasta.

At first I massively resented having to work and felt like I was giving the worst of myself to both worlds. He found it very difficult not being the "breadwinner" and being "kept" by me to start with. But the reality is he's far more even tempered & patient with the boys than I am. They are benefitting massively from such a great relationship with their father and still spend a full day a week with me so I feel like I'm missing less.

The key was good communication at all times, talking through resentments, me getting a place in the children's routine (I always do bedtime) so DH can have space and all of us taking up the same hobby (we all do karate together).

I'm no earth mother and there are times when being a sahm feels like an exhausting, drudgy, thankless task. I loved my job and I miss it. Financially it wouldn't really make sense for me to work, as childcare would cost about the same as I earnt. I could do it, if I really wanted to. But to be honest, the bottom line is that I want to be the one raising my children, even though professional child carers would probably be better at it as I am sooo lacking in patience!

It's not a black and white thing. There is no easy answer. I think your best bet is not to plan or have expectations, and be open to where life takes you. Don't let notions of what you should be doing hamstring you.

As for feeling dependent on someone, that doesn't bother me in the slightest. We are a team, we have different skills and we work together for the benefit of the family. My identity is not in my work or in my status as a mother, it is who I am in my head.

I have to say, I hate it . I hate it much less now I'm a single parent and nobody's wife, but in all honesty I would much rather be working. Even just part-time. That just isn't feasible right now and I feel very trapped, very frustrated & very resentful. I just have to suck it up for now but in hindsight I should have clung harder to my job.

Sahm wasn't for me. I was made redundant from a senior career role after 2nd may leave (role not possible pt apparently ) and contracted for a bit. Work dried up an I had about 6 months of doing 'nothing' work wise.

I hated the loss of money, identity, respect and structure of work (I am oddly always more efficient when juggling things). Dh felt some pressure as the breadwinner and knew I wasn't really happy so that put some strain on 'us'. He also did less and less round the house/kids (not deliberately to piss me off but knew I was around to pick up the slack). This left me feeling even more like a dogsbody.

Last year I managed (luckily due to my career specialism and location) to get a senior pt role. Love being back working and we are all much happier

It's not for everyone though - a good friend is home edding her dc's and loving that.

As always I think it comes back to families having choices and not being forced either way. And supportive partners (dh does DC one day a week and picks up or drops off if I need to work longer / different hours.

I sound a bit like you OP, in that the financial independence message was drummed into me by my mother.

When DS was 6 months I went back to work 3 days a week to a job I loved in a bank. But being a working mother messed with my head a little bit, and for the first time in my life I chased money rather than job content and went for a promotion. It was completely different having to establish myself as a 'committed' team member on 3 days a week in a role where I had no history and I ended up working loads on my days off.

Then the crash came and tbh we were all working crazy hours doing crazy things. It wasn't particularly pleasant and I don't look back on that time with any fondness, but I will say my skills, confidence and ability grew enormously. I felt I was at the top of my game. I just didn't like the game very much.

During this period DS was being investigated for SN and eventually was diagnosed. School was round the corner and I didn't know how we were going to make the three day thing work (commute and tbh very much reeling from the dx). I was then offered redundancy, which I snatched, intending to have a few months off to settle DS.

I never went back to 'proper' work and I never will. But I still have that 'financial independence' mantra, so I now am self-employed and freelance as a corporate writer. I don't earn loads, but I do earn enough and more importantly, I know that if anything was to happen with me and DP I could scale this part-time freelance role into a proper company, employing people etc, probably within a year I could turn it into a real going concern.

So I have the best of all worlds - a measure of independence, a real belief that I have equipped myself with the tools to guarantee future full independence, and the chance to support DS. God that sounds smug. I don't mean it to, I'm very lucky. But without ds SN I doubt I would have got off the treadmill and of course I would rather he didn't have them.

I'm going with the flow at them moment. I've always done temporary proffessional work and in the last 3 years have worked for 6 months between DC1 and 2 which fortunately qualified me for Maternity Allowence. Now we have 2 children requiring full time paying daycare, that restricts my options for work being financially viable. My earning isn't essential for survival, so it's not worth working full time in a demanding job to keep a few thousand pounds of money as the cost to the quality of family life isn't worth it. DH's job restricts my options for finding a pocket money job, so basicly I'm a SAHP but on the lookout for an appropriate opportunity, but willing to be patient as they are thin on the ground.

I miss work more than I thought I would, and wouldn't write off my working life long term. I love being with the DCs and now DC1 is older and more interactive I have the best of the toddler world and baby world at the moment. (I had a phase of being very bored when DC1 was about 1).

I miss being self sufficient for money, but when I was working, the cost of childcare wiped out a lot of the disposable income so was it wasn't as financially satisfying as working pre-DC.

Hopefully when the youngest DC is ready for school, employment opportunities will be improving...

Sorry that read wrong - my specialism and location means it it very unlikely that a role such as the one I got would come up.

The role I have was also advertised as FT but I managed to persuade them they wanted me pt

So even in a recession and other odds stacked against you, there is hope!

Gah, forgot to name change - tis GPB here!

You asked if one person should stay at home if it can be afforded.

I believe that up to the age of 2, one-to-one care is best. That doesn't mean nursery is terrible, just that its second best. As most people want to give their kids the best, then why would you not stay at home if you can afford to?

However, if it makes the person genuinely miserable or there's an issue with PND or something (so more than just being a bit bored or unfulfilled) then it no longer becomes the best, and you look at other options.

I have been very happy as a SAHM - I was in my early 40s when I had my child (and only had one), we were financially comfortable, have always had a joint bank account with my DH and I spend as I wish - wouldn't dream of 'asking' my DH for permission to spend anything - obviously it helps that we have a very similar approach to our finances though .

I don't miss my previous career (middle manager, very interesting role) and I have been able to use most of my skills in various different voluntary roles over the year. I have moved around a lot since I left work and never found it hard to make new friends and get involved in the community.

HOWEVER in all honesty I would not recommend this to anyone, now in my mid 50s our circumstances have changed & whilst not by any means destitute it would have been better in the long run if I had stayed working, no one ever knows what is round the corner. It is very, very hard to get back in the job market when you have had a long break, particularly if you are over 50.

I recently read about a US study that looked at women's mental and physical health over the course of some years. The study found that women who returned to paid work after the birth of their first child had better mental and physical health when they reached the age of 40 than those who had not worked outside the home. Another study (also looking at women in the US) showed that SAHMs at all income levels reported more depression and anger than WOHMs.

Very interesting findings, IMO. Of course, these results don't contradict the personal experiences of many SAHMs who love their lives or of the WOHMs who don't.

The model of one parent (almost invariably the mother) at home all the time and the other parent at work for 40 (50, 60, 70) hours a week is not something I personally would ever want. Fortunately, I'm married to a man who doesn't want that kind of life either.

But you are implying that one person at home all the time means the woh person (40-70h) is never there, which doesn't have to be the case.

4 days a week I leave home at 7.50 and am back by 6.15 (40h in 4 10h days). DH is at home. 1 day a week I am home all day, DH can do what he likes. Weekends (the remaining 2 days) we spend together.

I am a SAHM. I went back to work when DD1 was 3 months old, part time. It was not a demanding job, I loved it and wanted to progress through the company. After 11 miscarriages I was advised by the doctor to take a break. Within 3 months of giving up work I was pregnant with DS1 and carried to term. After he was born I immediately fell pregnant with DS2 and work seemed like a distant memory!

Now I have four children and whilst everyone classes me as a SAHM I do work, at the dance school my children attend. This has the added bonus of meaning I am always near my children and I am aware of any changes or problems.

It works for us. I am always around for the children, the youngest of whom has just started primary school, DH works and provides financially for us and I wouldn't change it for the world!

Oh - 10-20h at home after bedtime makes up the 50-60 I originally stated.

Thanks everyone for all your responses, it is so interesting to hear everyone's experiences and thoughts. I just feel so torn. I completely see how one-to-one is beneficial for the child as opposed to being in childcare, but at the same time, I can't bear the thought of being nothing but a mom. When I get asked what "I do" I feel proud to talk about my job and what it entails etc. I don't think I could face having to say, "Nothing, I stay at home with the baby." I don't want to turn into someone whose life is only focused on the child and someone who has nothing to talk about except the baby. I have been signed off work for the last 12 weeks and already I feel like I have nothing interesting to say anymore and that part of who I am has disappeared.

I tried to be a SAHM, it didn't work. Financially we were OK but I was drained, bored and resentful (much to my shame). DS was very ill as a baby and as a result has some additional needs and is pretty hard work. I gave up my FT role when it became clear I needed to be available for appointments and to help him with his development. I set myself up freelance for a bit of something to keep my mind going and it's really taken off. I now work 3 days a week and DS is in a nursery. I work to my own timetable. I do a bit of travel and a bit of office time and so far it suits me well. It's a bit of a juggle at times but after DS's illness I felt I needed something for me again. I think the key to it is changing the way in which you work. i wouldn't want to be in an office 5 days a week and the pay off is late nights and a slightly panicked feeling most of the time that you're doing one and you perhaps ought to be doing the other. SAH parenting isn't for everyone, I don't think. I felt like a non-person (I know I wasn't but that's how I felt) with nothing to talk about or focus on but DS. I need the buzz and interest of work and the sense that I'm earning a bit of money and using my brain.

Writer, there's a balance to be struck but I'd wait and see how you feel! If you don't have any immediate financial impetus to return to work then you can do a few bits and pieces as and when the opportunity arises and see which you like better.

I am a SAHM. I did a degree that gave me very little prospect where I live. I couldn't travel to look for a job related to my degree because I was already with my DH (I had been since I left school) and his career job and life are firmly rooted in this area. I then worked in an office for a few years but was made redundant. I went back to my original line of work but at the very bottom of the ladder so was on minimum age. I then fell pregnant with DS1 and had to leave my job. I've not worked since. DH is a wonderful provider and I have three fantastic kids but I do often feel like I have achieved nothing with my life and that my existence is some what pointless when it comes to contributing anything. I've been too long out of work now, my degree is pretty much obsolete and at 35 I would be of no use to anyone. I'm definitely on the scrap heap when it comes to working and I know it means that I will be looked down upon for the rest of my life.

I am trying to create something of myself in order to make money when my youngest starts school, but it will be in a competitive world where I am not going to ever be considered good enough to make much of myself but it'll be better than nothing I guess.

I do sometimes feel a bit like I've fucked up my life and I do feel a bit like my friends have all achieved so much while I've been raising children since the age of 25, but there is little point in dwelling on it. I'm ashamed that I have contributed so little. The lifestyle which I have married into and the area where I live means that this is just the way things are always going to be for me.

I have been signed off work for the last 12 weeks and already I feel like I have nothing interesting to say anymore and that part of who I am has disappeared. But surely you are not just your 'job' - you are a person with interests, hobbies, views of the world, etc etc. If you meet someone who defines themselves by their 'job' then that that would make them pretty boring, however amazing and interesting the job is.

Actually I think the image of a parent 'staying at home' is pretty misleading, I appreciate everyone is different but there are plenty of parents not in employment who have very varied and enjoyable lives, and are not just 'tied to the home'. I know I have had far more autonomy and flexibility in my life since not being tied to a job. .

Giving up paid employment doesn't mean your life grinds to a halt. There are so many voluntary opportunities available - many of them incredibly challenging and rewarding.

I gave up paid full time employment when I had my son 2 1/2 years ago. I do some freelance work in the evenings to bring in some money of my own and during the week am training as a breastfeeding peer supporter. I also sit on our maternity services committee, compiling surveys and reporting back to the hospital and run a local toddler group. I've never been busier.

Malcolm I'm 42 and I'm seeing a real shift in my friends who are similar ages. It's really hitting home to all of us that, having worked for the last 20 + years there are still 20 + years to go. No-one is retiring anytime soon. A lot of us have started working for ourselves, retraining, downshifting to do something more fulfilling.

What Im saying is, 35 is nothing. You still have another 30 working years in you. Admittedly some companies have been slow to catch on to this, but there is still plenty time for you. It may involve a different pattern, thats all.

I'm calling this the second stage (and hoping to get a book out of it). There is still so much time for you....

I'm on mat leave right now and would sell my soul to be a SAHM. I can see my return to work date looming on the horizon and frantically do the lottery every week in the hope that I won't have to return.

I went back when DD was 8 months and have not regretted it at all. It is better for my mental health to work (I need a lot of social contact) and I have invested too much in my career (and enjoy my job too much) to chuck it away. I have been influenced my friends and a relation who became SAHP and have never worked in any serious sense again. I have seen the down side. This is not a good economy in which to make yourself voluntarily unemployed. Also, one not entirely unexpected thing I discovered during mat leave is that my DH does not consider his earnings 'family money'. He will contribute fairly but will not pool our money nor let me manage his - so there's no way I'm giving up a professional career.

Also, nursery 3 days pw is definitely good for our DD as she's outgoing, will be an only and to be honest the ladies there are a lot more patient than me! (We are fortunate and family can take care of her the rest of the time).

I have had to cut my hours and pay by 20% to make this work (my workload has not really reduced, however).

Listen to what your heart, head and gut are telling you and do the right thing for you (which may change over time).