Who WBU? Mortifying train incident.

[MikeReepySpooksard]

Ds, 15 months, has an unfortunate hair pulling habit. Today on the train he got hold of the hair of the teenage girl sitting in the seat behind his and yanked it. She screamed 'get the fuck off me' and glared at him. She kept turning round and glaring at him the rest of the journey.

Neither were we to be fair!

On here we can only go on what OP says. If people don't believe it it's a pointless discussion anyway isn't it?

Eh?
Who WBU ?
you wrote this - Op that is what I am responding to.
you wrote this asking who was being unreasonable.
Sorry you don't like the answers...

Gobby I know some people do unthinkable things, and that Jack the ripper's wife probably thought her husband would never do anything awful either. So what I was saying was, not only do I not think him capable of that, but if he was capable, he couldn't have gotten away with it as everyone would've seen. In fact I'm sure a lot of people did see what happened, which is another reason why it's so mortifying, as half a carriage full of people would've been thinking 'how awful' all the way home while I was sat there oblivious to any problem.

The husband who ignored the girl was there and he couldn't bring himself to apologise. Going on his word, how do we know she knew it was the kid? She could've been sat there worried about the poor cow married to a pervert, for all we know.

Mike, I'm not saying he was assaulting her, just that she didn't know that he wasn't. But, don't think for a second that assaults don't happen in public. They do. Daily. Read the Graun piece linked by a PP.

OP, I have no idea what point you were trying to make.

Your husband was a twat for

a) allowing it to happen in the first place
B) not apologising to the girl
C) not reprimanding your son.

You were remiss in failing to notice someone who alledgedly continued to glare at your child.

The girl was minding her own business until your son pulled her hair. Maybe swearing was unnecessary but you've shown your not above that yourself.

I can't believe people think its appropriate to swear at someone let alone to a 15 month old even if their hair was pulled.

Yeah, because teaching teenage girls that they should be meek, quiet and apologetic when assaulted on public transport is an absolutely great way to proceed.

I'm clearly not the right type for MN. I think it is entirely appropriate to swear at someone yanking your hair

oh, and Duck, perhaps if you had read the thread, you would see that no apology was forthcoming

The OP wasn't there and this is what he told her well that puts a different slant on it then.

I very much doubt a teenage girl would react to a toddler pulling their hair once in this manner. Those are words specifically chosen to ward off the attentions of an adult male.

I also repeatedly glared at the man last week who managed to get my hair tangled in his shirt button. I am sure the man who sat too close to me on the bus and kept pressing his leg against me thought I was terribly unreasonable when I told him to get his fucking leg off me too. Or when I swore at the guy in the takeaway who decided to stroke my hair from behind.

Perhaps, just perhaps, your DH is scared of the real story getting back to you and is covering his tracks in advance.

Why on earth wouldn't you profusely apologise if your DS pulled someone's hair so violently to provoke such a reaction?

I've just had a chat with DD2 (13) and talked through being assaulted or touched inappropriately on a train or elsewhere. She now knows that shouting get the fuck off me very loudly should be her initial reaction because her safety is more important than upsetting people. She will however apologise if said instigator turns out to be a baby/toddler.

I'll be having the same chat with DD1 (17) later. I won't have this chat with DD3 (6) for a good few years yet because a) she's too young, and b) she would like the idea of shouting get the fuck off me at people just a bit too much

It's very weird that he didn't apologise or explain to the girl. If my child genuinely/accidentally pulled someone's hair, hard enough to make them shout out like that, I'd immediately say "oh I'm so, so sorry - that was my toddler".

Surely he wouldn't want the girl and the rest of the train to think he was the pervert hair puller?

Wow. Some people are massively overreacting here. I actually can't believe some of the responses!! I'm sitting here like this [shocked]

I can't believe someone would suggest because you swear on an Internet forum you must be cussing away in front of your dc!!

Op: your DH WBU to not be keeping a closer eye on ds especially if he was standing on the seat and he is VU to not apologise however angry she looked. But she was BU to react like that - total overreaction. I would probably have jumped and shouted "ouch!" I might also have looked round grumpily (especially if an apology wasn't immediate) had your DH then apologised and clearly made an effort to prevent it happening again I would have smiled and said don't worry - these things happen. Toddlers do grab and pull and you can't be on them all the time. Especially on a busy train with other dc, as long as he was doing his best I wouldn't have minded.

I think some people have gone way ott with the whole sexual attack thing - on a busy train? Hair pulling? Really? Groping then that reaction is totally fine but I would much more imagine it would be an accident / caught on something than an attack. I mean - who would pull your hair from a seat behind you in a sexually motivated attack? Plus it would be pretty clear from the way it was pulled it was a child and not sexually motivated surely? I know my ds's little hands feel very different in my hair to an adults!!

Gobby - I was thinking earlier on about a man who was giving me some unwanted attention on the walk home at night, shouting fuck off really set him off and he chased me down the street. Very frightening.

I suppose on a crowded train your actually just looking to draw a lot of attention, if its a predatory attack, so I can see it would be a safer thing to do.

I really don't think she was assaulted. A baby pulled her hair.

FFS, HAVING YOUR HAIR PULLED BY A STRANGER IS OFTEN SEXUAL. YOUR DC DOING IT TO YOU IS DIFFERENT FROM A RANDOM ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT.

This whole incident happened because you allowed your DS to stand on the seat. By doing that it allowed him to be in contact with the girls hair, when you already knew he was a hair puller.
I can't stand parents who do this they think nothing of the others passengers right to be left in peace yet they have a babbling baby in their ear while the parents sit all smiley and starry eyed at how cute he's being with the other passengers. While the passenger is thinking what bloody indulgent parents.

This is RIDICULOUS! Why can't someone ask a simple question on AIBU without people telling hers she's a "useless parent" and attacking her character when she wasn't even there!

YES-the OP's DH should've apologised.
YES- the girl on the train would definitely have got a fright (although I doubt she was "terrified" as someone wrote.) and reacted accordingly.

Maybe they were both unreasonable, maybe just the DH was, but stop attacking the OP, it's immature and akin to bullying at stages. MN can be a nasty place, even when we totally disagree with each other, can't we do it in a civil manner?

bloob its instinctive to react like that she probably wanting thinking oh I'm on the train therefore its not likely to be a sexual assault.
My BIL police office warned me against wearing my hair in a pony tail while out alone. He says its the way many sexual assaults start hair pulled from behind, woman tries to put her hands up to get him off and suddenly he has control of her hands too.

The girl didn't know it was a baby as her hair was pulled though, but in the moments afterwards. If this had happened to me I would have turned around, seen the child and been ready to apologise for my reaction. If I was faced with the child's parent looking the other way and refusing to make eye contact with me, let alone speak to me, I'm afraid no apology would be forthcoming.

I used to work with teenagers with profound learning difficulties. They would sometimes slap people or shout very loudly if a stranger got too close particularly in the supermarket . Sometimes people would swear in shock and we never held it against them. It's a perfectly understandable reaction to a sudden, painful shock.

attacking her character when she wasn't even there!

As she didn't even tell us she wasn't there, the revelation that it's her husband who failed to control their child and then refused to apologise, rather than the OP, came later.

Bloob
You are very naive or being very dense
Touching hair, fondling hair, pulling hair are all very common types of initial sexual assault which then often escalates.
The teenager had no idea it was a toddler who grabbed her hair and responded immediately ( thank god)
There was NO apology from the DH - she was therefore on her guard on the rest of the journey.

I was once attacked by having my hair pulled. I reacted by trying to fight back to get them off me.

I don't think the girl was out of order as you don't know what may have happened in the past to her.

I do think that your husband should have apologised but he didn't and if there is ever a next time, then maybe he will learn by his mistake this time.

Ok, I used to think running a situation past MN was a good kind of litmus test for any given occurrence. But in thsi thread I have gone from being a useless parent due to ds' behaviour when I wasn't even present, being responsible for dh's actions that I didn't see or know about just because I married him, and now dh is a sex pest. You'll forgive me for rolling my eyes and moving on.

Thanks for curing my mn addiction though.

The OP has said that although she wasn't there it was obvious to her DH that the girl knew it was the toddler.

Obviously the answers are going to be different if she thought it was him as it would be beyond creepy to start pulling girls hair on a train sat there with your 2 kids.

OP - I really can't believe he didn't apologise; which is probably why she kept glaring.