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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who WBU? Mortifying train incident.

420 replies

MikeReepySpooksard · 03/11/2013 17:18

Ds, 15 months, has an unfortunate hair pulling habit. Today on the train he got hold of the hair of the teenage girl sitting in the seat behind his and yanked it. She screamed 'get the fuck off me' and glared at him. She kept turning round and glaring at him the rest of the journey.

OP posts:
MrsOsbourne · 03/11/2013 19:40

Noone is attacking the OP
Her who WBU ? has brought up a totally different scenario to what she had imagined.
Because some of us have teenage daughters who / have ourselves been /been touched stroked ie assaulted on public transport.
Your DH was at fault for not apologising and you were unwise in starting a thread with Who WBU

RevoltingPeasant · 03/11/2013 19:40

Gosh it's a variation on most AIBUs!

OP: who was unreasonable it was the girl right

Everyone else: no, YABU massively

OP: oh well actually it was my DH, I wasn't even there.

Everyone: right well your DH is a twonk then.

OP: I didn't say he wasn't unreasonable, you cunts!

Everyone: Confused

gobbynorthernbird · 03/11/2013 19:40

Glad the OP thinks that girls should just take anything (literally) when travelling. And nobody should ever say 'but...'

IamInvisible · 03/11/2013 19:41

Bloob Read this and then say people are bing ridiculous about the sexual assault and hair pulling!

NotYoMomma · 03/11/2013 19:43

I can't believe he didn't apologise! Shock

HaroldLloyd · 03/11/2013 19:45

That's not what she said. Totally unfair to put words in her mouth!

hettienne · 03/11/2013 19:48

Harold - OP has assumed it was obvious to the girl after she turned round, not that it was obvious before she shouted.

AllDirections · 03/11/2013 19:50

Well I want to thank the OP because this thread has prompted me to discuss situations like this with my teenage DDs so that they know they can do whatever it takes to protect themselves, even if they have read the situation wrong and need to apologise afterwards.

MrsOsbourne · 03/11/2013 19:51

youll forgive me for rolling my eyes you arent getting this OP.

The teenager reacted because she didn't realise it was a small child(sexual assault is very common on public transport)- your DH could have apologised - he didn't - she was therefore unsure and very wary.

gobbynorthernbird · 03/11/2013 19:53

I don't think anyone has said that the OPs DH is a sex pest. But some people are. And the poor girl wasn't to know either way.

BOF · 03/11/2013 19:54

Who cares? Maybe I need a break.

MinesAPintOfTea · 03/11/2013 19:54

Did she know it was a child before she shouted? Knowing that it had been afterwards didn't mean her immediate reaction was wrong, and you're dh's failure to apologise made it difficult for her to do so.

Another who thinks good on the girl and that your toddler could have come off worse: I react violently to unexpected contact (hand on waist, hair pulling type stuff) and may well have had my fingernails deep in his hand before I realised.

I have a toddler myself and have treated hair pulling much like biting: a very stern "no" along with a glare until he stops trying to repeat. Much gentler attempts to remind him not to bite or hair pull when he's moving in and cuddles and praise for gentleness. It becomes unacceptable very quickly.

MrsOsbourne · 03/11/2013 20:01

No one is calling the OPs DH a sex pest.
The teenager doesn't have eyes in the back of her head hopefully Grin
Her reaction was therefore appropriate.
if DH had immediately responded -" im so sorry he pulled your hair "it would have stopped but he didn't and therefore she was wary (understandable)

jjazz · 03/11/2013 20:05

You can't expect a teenager to be any more reasonable than a toddler. I should know. I have one of each!!!

ReluctantBeing · 03/11/2013 20:11

RevoltingPeasant Grin

MrsOsbourne · 03/11/2013 20:14

A thought- most teenagers would probably be listening to their Ipod or on their phone and therefore less likely to know it was a toddler.

Twighlightsparkle · 03/11/2013 20:14

It's unfortunate she said what she did, lessons learnt all round, I would assume.

Bloob · 03/11/2013 20:14

Im with mulberry. This thread is unbelievable!

Mrsosbourne it doesn't stop being rude just because you cross through it you know Confused I didn't say anything rude to you, just my opinion. So I think that personal attack was completely unwarranted. As are a lot of the others on this thread.

Iaminvisible: I really don't think that one extremely bizarre (and as stated on the article) most unusual case would make most of us think someone grabbing our hair is sexual assault.

How would someone even sexually assault someone from the row behind anyway?! Climb over the top?!
I'm not saying hair pulling can't be a prelude to an assault BUT I think it's unlikely on a packed train, when someone is sitting on the row behind. Standing / sitting next to you : fine maybe it could. But FAR FAR more likely is its a child / accident surely?!

Bearbehind · 03/11/2013 20:17

You've just summed it up perfectly revoltingpeasant. What a weird thread?

friday16 · 03/11/2013 20:17

But FAR FAR more likely is its a child / accident surely?!

Child: parent apologises. Everyone smiles. Soon over.

Accident: person having accident apologises. Everyone smiles. Soon over.

This case: useless parents refuse to apologise, sit being passive aggressive as though it's nothing to do with them. What was the person whose hair was pulled supposed to do?

Bloob · 03/11/2013 20:21

Totally agree friday the DH was v unreasonable to not apologise. He should have got on with it however angry she was and it would probably have diffused the situation.

But her reaction was unreasonable too, I wouldn't react like that immediately and I don't think many other people would either. I would probably shout "ouch" though.

I do expect though that had the DH apologised the woman would have too, sometimes we all react wrongly and she probably would have said "sorry I shouted he gave me a fright" etc.. All fine. Had the parents not said anything you would be irritated and not feel like apologising, even if you knew you were wrong.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/11/2013 20:21

MikeReepy - it seems as if you have had a terrible bashing on this thread, and the worst you have done is not word your OP perfectly (probably because you knew what happened, and did that thing where you write a post and don't realise that it isn't as clear to someone who doesn't know the full background as it is to you).

I hope this doesn't put you off MN.

To answer your question - I do think the girl reacted as she did out of shock - it is a shame she swore at your toddler, but understandable. I think your dh was in the wrong when he didn't apologise to her, and tell your ds off at once. Not only did she deserve an apology, but your ds needed to be told, very firmly, right then that he had done something wrong - at that age it does need to be immediate.

And hopefully, in the future, your dh will know not to let your ds stand somewhere where someone else's hair could be in reach, and to apologise if your ds does momentarily evade his iron grip and gets hold of someone's hair!

SauvignonBlanche · 03/11/2013 20:21

Totally bizarre thread!
Do some posters actually read any of the thread?

gobbynorthernbird · 03/11/2013 20:22

Actually, in a train full of mostly adults, it's much more likely that the person pulling your hair/touching your bum/squeezing your tits is an adult assaulting you. Shout first, then apologise later if necessary.

PresidentServalan · 03/11/2013 20:22

No OP I meant you are being unreasonable by implying the poor girl was in any way being unreasonable. She reacted naturally - and you seem to think that she was in the wrong.