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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who WBU? Mortifying train incident.

420 replies

MikeReepySpooksard · 03/11/2013 17:18

Ds, 15 months, has an unfortunate hair pulling habit. Today on the train he got hold of the hair of the teenage girl sitting in the seat behind his and yanked it. She screamed 'get the fuck off me' and glared at him. She kept turning round and glaring at him the rest of the journey.

OP posts:
MrsOsbourne · 03/11/2013 18:43

No you are not responsible but you started a thread to try and insinuate the teenager was unreasonable in her reaction.
The teenager was minding her own business sitting on a train - her hair is pulled - hard - she luckily has parents who have told her to stand up for herself and so she does.
Your DH does not apologise for your sons behaviour< this is the major point >
Yet you think it is unreasonable for her to be defensive/on guard for the rest of the journey. Hmm

Bearbehind · 03/11/2013 18:44

I find it hard to believe that, if you spent the rest of the journey keeping such a close eye on your child, you can possibly not have noticed the person sitting directly behind him, continually turning round and glaring at him.

It seems far more likely that this girl made the comment after your chid did something he should not have done, and left it at that.

If your husband neither apologised to the girl or reprimanded your son then he is absolutely the one BU. Good luck next time it happens!

hettienne · 03/11/2013 18:44

Thing is, if you are sitting on a train and someone pulls your hair from behind, you shout out, turn around, see a man with a baby and the man ignores you and says nothing you might not immediately think it was the baby. I would actually think something a bit weird was going on, so probably wouldn't apologise - I'd be waiting for the man to explain himself.

Mia4 · 03/11/2013 18:45

OP, YANBU because you had no clue, the girl WNBU because she probably reacted instinctively and rightly to the hair grabbing- I've had hair grabbed and sniffed (bleugh), arse and tits grabbed and been rubbed up against on the tube and wished I'd yelled that out at the time rather then suffer through it quietly. Until she turned around she had no clue who it was and your DH saying nothing probably pissed her off further. She may well have accepted the apology or said her own for swearing- who knows.

Your DP was VVU for not apologising despite the worry of 'rage', an apology could have completely diffused and changed the situation. He needs to get stronger because in 10 years or so that will be your DC giving him glowers for various different teenagery things.

I think it's pretty unanimous that your DH was to blame and unreasonable, are you going to show him the thread? Does he know he was unreasonable or is he going to sit there silently if there's a next time this situation occurs?

notanyanymore · 03/11/2013 18:46

Ah bless reluctant I wouldn't go about suspecting things like that, I love fooking swearing, especially on MN. And yet I never swear at or in front of my own children. In fact, I don't even swear at other peoples! Not even when they're getting right on my tits!

IamInvisible · 03/11/2013 18:47

Your DH was BU. Knowing some of the teenage girls who hang out with my teen boys, you are lucky that she didn't hit out, tbh. (They aren't horrible girls, or hooligans btw, they just stand up for themselves).

If she was sat minding her own business (probably plugged into an iPod) she would have got a massive shock, and it would have hurt, and unless she is a different species she won't have had eyes in the back of her head so would have had no way of knowing it was a baby until she turned round.

Your DH should have apologised straight away and sat your baby down. You say he had his arms out for more hair after she yelled, so it did him no harm, did it?

Latetothematch · 03/11/2013 18:48

The girl was not unreasonable at all.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/the-womens-blog-with-jane-martinson/2013/mar/08/woman-sexual-harassment-international-womens-day

This comment at the bottom is why I don't think she was unreasonable at all.

@robodog - Here's a quote from Ellie's blog which really stuck with me.

I honestly don’t know why I didn’t force myself away. I mean, it was crowded, but if I’d shouted loudly enough ‘would you kindly take your erect dick out of my arse’ I’m sure someone would have moved out of the way for me. I think it must have been a mixture of shock and disbelief, a lack of quick thinking, and perhaps a lack of courage too.

When I told someone about a very similar situation which happened to me, they said 'Why didn't you say anything at the time? It's your fault that you let it happen.'

Original poster
MikeReepySpooksard · 03/11/2013 18:49

Hettienne I put that exact point to dh, but he is certain from their relative positions that she would have known it was definitely the baby and not him.

Friday I started it to show dh. I didn't put anything 'leading' in the OP, as I didn't want my stance on it to affect responses, so I just put the bare bones of it there for an initial reaction before explaining how I knew etc.

HaroldLloyd Are you my dh?!

OP posts:
TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 03/11/2013 18:52

Lucky for her it was a small child- I know of several teenagers who have been assaulted on public transport.

Quite. I travelled extensively by public transport as a teenage girl and remember the constant feeling of vulnerability / fear. Also having your hair pulled without warning is painful and frightening. The combination of the two would be triggering. Your DH WBU for not apologising and for having any empathy.

Bearbehind · 03/11/2013 18:53

i didn't put anything 'leading' in the OP

Of course you were 'leading' in your first post OP. You only put one side of the story across so it was pretty obvious what your stance was.

YippeeKiYayMakkaPakka · 03/11/2013 18:53

I think the only one being a bit unreasonable is your DH for not apologising. I'd have been mortified if either of mine did that at that age. It's nobody's fault really though, toddlers are unpredictable and they can be very quick. Presumably your DH at least moved your DS so the girl's hair was out of reach?

I think the girl shouting is an understandable reaction as well, although glaring at a baby is a bit much (although a 18ish-yo maybe doesn't realise that a 15mo is still a baby).

MrsOsbourne · 03/11/2013 18:54

Umm -you put who was being unreasonable in the OP !
You invited others to find the teenager unreasonable in her response.

HaroldLloyd · 03/11/2013 18:56

Gobby, yes totally fair point.

OP no! Shock

AllDirections · 03/11/2013 18:56

Me too notanyanymore The most that slips out in front of the DC is the occasional 'bloody'. In my head however it's more like 'Fuck you then' as Contrary Mary DD3 is being difficult again.

notanyanymore · 03/11/2013 19:00

Yes I say bloody too, I realised this when DD2 dropped something and said 'bloody thing' Shock right in front of DM too!

Original poster
MikeReepySpooksard · 03/11/2013 19:01

Bearbehind Clearly from some of the replies it wasn't obvious what my stance was even after I'd explained it multiple times, so I'm pretty fucking sure it wasn't obvious from the OP!

No you are not responsible but you started a thread to try and insinuate the teenager was unreasonable in her reaction...
Yet you think it is unreasonable for her to be defensive/on guard for the rest of the journey.

NO I didn't and no I don't! Can you please just stop. Please, please read what I have written, and comment based on that rather than on this odd vision you seem to have of me. I don't think swbu to have reacted to a hair pulling. The glares seem a bit odd, but (a) she was probably fucked off and (b) I didn't see them myself so can't be certain that she was glaring at ds and not dh as he thinks.

And to the poster who said maybe it was dh - no, the train was very busy and dd was there too. I'm sure dh is not an attacker, but even if he was, he couldn't have done it on this occasion.

OP posts:
DuckWaddle · 03/11/2013 19:02

I'm genuinely quite surprised at the unanimous reaction as I can't believe people think its appropriate to swear at someone let alone to a 15 month old even if their hair was pulled. I haven't read the whole thread but I think the girl massively over reacted. So long as you apologised then I think she was being very unreasonable

Zilvernblue · 03/11/2013 19:02

The girl probably got a terrible fright/couldn't see behind what exactly was happening/had already been enduring it for the past 10 minutes/found it really sore.

I have long blonde hair. The number of people, usually men and children, who seem to think its somehow public property and not part of me that hurts when pulled/unexpectedly fondled is unbelievable. Just last week some weirdo man managed to get it caught in his shirt button. I mean how? Because he was standing too close to me from behind no doubt.

I suspect that similar has happened to this girl and she is understandably defensive. Just control your DC and don't bring him up to behave like a chav.

saintmerryweather · 03/11/2013 19:04

i think.the girl was well within her rights to shout at your child. id have done the same then id have had a go at your useless DH as well.

nice how you're calling people cunts too. you sound delightful

gobbynorthernbird · 03/11/2013 19:04

Mike you think men don't attack girls because their DC are present? Some men attack their DC.

TartinaTiara · 03/11/2013 19:05

I'd disagree that you were balanced in your OP. Maybe look again at the way you worded it.

Anyway, you weren't unreasonable. Your 15mo wasn't unreasonable (though should have been told not to stand on seats and not pull hair -it's not that difficult). Your H is a knobend.

And for what it's worth, when I was a girl, I was told that if anyone touched me in a threatening manner, I should grab the offending hand and bend the fingers backward. I've taught my children the same. It's only through luck that your child was just sworn at, because as a young teen I wouldn't have assumed that the hair pulling was a child, and he could have been injured - not through malice, but in the belief that I was defending myself against an adult. For his sake, if not for the general population, your H should be teaching him not to pull hair (as should you, but I accept you weren't there).

hettienne · 03/11/2013 19:05

Why wouldn't it be appropriate to swear at someone who pulls your hair from behind on public transport DuckWaddle? Or indeed the example someone else gave of having their bum grabbed. Sounds like the ideal situation to swear in.

Seems clear the girl didn't know it was a 15 month old, and wasn't explained/apologised to either.

HaroldLloyd · 03/11/2013 19:07

OP is saying it was clear to the girl it was the toddler.

gobbynorthernbird · 03/11/2013 19:07

OP wasn't there.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/11/2013 19:09

Posting to say good on the teenager/young woman.