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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who WBU? Mortifying train incident.

420 replies

MikeReepySpooksard · 03/11/2013 17:18

Ds, 15 months, has an unfortunate hair pulling habit. Today on the train he got hold of the hair of the teenage girl sitting in the seat behind his and yanked it. She screamed 'get the fuck off me' and glared at him. She kept turning round and glaring at him the rest of the journey.

OP posts:
skaen · 03/11/2013 20:52

One way this could have gone is baby yanks hair, girl swears and turns round, DH apologises profusely, girl either accepts apology (polite) and apologises for her language or continues to glare (rude and ignore).

Your DH was massively at fault for bit apologising and the swearing and glaring is nowhere near as serious in the context.

fivefourthreetwoone · 03/11/2013 20:53

how can you say for a fact she didnt know, you really cant.

I don't know for sure - that's the point! I was replying to the few posts here who said that it must have been obvious to her that it was the baby when they have no way of knowing that. Maybe she really didn't know or thought it was the OP's DH.

Or maybe she cried out instinctively like has been said then realised that it was the baby and was maybe embarrassed that she has reacted so aggressively and then start to feel slightly pissed off when the adult in charge made no effort to apologise for his son's behaviour?

gobbynorthernbird · 03/11/2013 20:54

People don't 'yank' your hair by accident.

hettienne · 03/11/2013 20:56

Of course someone yanking your hair is assault, whether the motivation is sexual or not Confused

MrsOsbourne · 03/11/2013 20:57

I have teenagers - they are usually on their phone or on Ipod/other device.
The OP states the teenager was behind her toddler - on trains, seats are back to back.
She was minding her own business and her hair was yanked - she reacted-
Quite rightly.
Noone said Im sorry - she continues to be wary .

Daddy1001 · 03/11/2013 20:58

Also - you all realise OP left over an hour ago and you're talking to yourselves now right?

gobbynorthernbird · 03/11/2013 20:59

I'm not talking to myself. I'm talking to people who think that women should not worry about being touched inappropriately.

fivefourthreetwoone · 03/11/2013 20:59

If someone pulls your hair from the seat behind I don't think most people's first thought is that it would be sexually motivated.

Tbf though, nobody has said that the girl must have thought it was sexually motivated, that was merely given as a possible explanation. I actually doubt very much she thought it was sexually motivated, it's more likely that she was in her own world when she felt someone yank on her hair when she wasn't expecting it and she reacted instinctively without thinking by crying out. She obviously got quite the fright.

That along with the fact that the adult in charge made no effort to apologise for his son's behaviour probably pissed her off big time. I know it would piss me off.

HaroldLloyd · 03/11/2013 21:03

Who is saying that gobby?

No one is saying that at all.

MrsOsbourne · 03/11/2013 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fivefourthreetwoone · 03/11/2013 21:05

And for whoever said that she would have seen who done it if she was sitting behind him, seats on trains are back to back. If she was sitting behind him, she would be facing the opposite way so she wouldn't have seen.

HaroldLloyd · 03/11/2013 21:05

The girl was in the seat behind the toddler according to the OP.

So the man was in the seat in front of her.

So i am struggling how she can not have known it was the child.

eastmidlandsnightnanny · 03/11/2013 21:06

How was the incident mortifying u were neither there nor knew anything about it til after the event.

Title should read aibu for thinking my husband is an idiot (insert any other derogatory word here if preferred) for not apologising to the teenager our toddler assaulted on the train.

HaroldLloyd · 03/11/2013 21:06

Unless it was a back to back seat, of course.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 03/11/2013 21:07

I've had my hair stroked and/or sniffed while on public transport, in pubs, while standing in a queue. It does happen.

notmyproblem · 03/11/2013 21:09

So what the fuck do you actually want to hear, OP?

I'll summarise the responses for you:

  • the girl was well within her rights to shout and swear in surprise and shock at someone pulling her hair.
  • your DH was a complete idiot for not apologising
  • you weren't there, so you aren't to blame.
  • shit happens, sometimes toddlers pull hair. Adults responsible for those toddlers should be falling over themselves apologising for it, not expecting those on the receiving end of bad toddler behaviour to be lovely and accommodating.

Anything else? Or would you like to continue posting about the tiny details and what ifs and who would be a knob if X, Y or Z had happened? Or can we just let this lie now?

2tiredtoScare · 03/11/2013 21:10

Assaulted! Really eastmidlands

HaroldLloyd · 03/11/2013 21:11

This could be two very different threads depending on we accept the OP saying that it was pretty clear it was the toddler.

Thats the point. There are some pretty wild things getting thrown around now, I dont even think hardly anyone has said anything bad about the teenager at all.

I think its rude to shout at a toddler, however I understand that in shock you might do. However, I would say something straight away even if to say he really gave me a fright then you should be keeping an eye on him. She didnt have to apologise.

I really do not think that women should be meek and silent and accept being touched on trains. However when the person doing the touching is a baby, of course its a totally different senario. People dont generally go around telling babies to fuck off, however tempting it may be.

friday16 · 03/11/2013 21:16

People dont generally go around telling babies to fuck off, however tempting it may be.

Yeah, but as the OP wasn't there, we don't know what happened, do we? For someone whose husband didn't tell her what happened, she seems to know an awful lot about what happened.

HaroldLloyd · 03/11/2013 21:17

Time for a Brew I think.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/11/2013 21:17

Fivefourthreetwoone - I have told you what the OP reported - that when the girl looked up after the first hair pull, the OP's ds was still reaching out towards her hair. But it was only after the initial yank, and her very reasonable reaction to it that she would have seen this.

Hyva - some people on this thread have been very nasty in the way they have given their contributions, and I don't blame the OP for getting a bit upset by this.

If I have read her posts correctly, she wanted MN to tell her dh that he should have apologised, even though the girl's reaction seemed aggressive to him, and instead she got some rather aggressive and personal opinions shoved down her throat. Part of that is because her OP missed out some details - as I said, I suspect that because she knew the background, she wrote an OP that made sense of you knew the background, but she didn't realise that it wouldn't make as much sense when you didn't know the full story, as she did.

fivefourthreetwoone · 03/11/2013 21:18

*The girl was in the seat behind the toddler according to the OP.

So the man was in the seat in front of her.

So i am struggling how she can not have known it was the child.*

Again, train seats are back to back and she was sitting in the seat behind the OP's dh and ds. If she was sitting in the seat opposite them then yes, she would have been facing them and would be able to see who it was. But she wasn't sitting in the opposite seat, she was sitting behind (I think this fact needs to be emphasized) them therefore would have been facing the opposite way and wouldn't have seen who done it. Honestly, it's not a difficult concept to grasp.

The OP even said herself that 'she kept turning round and glaring at him the rest of the journey.' If she had to keep turning round to look at them, she was obviously facing the opposite way.

Bloob · 03/11/2013 21:19

I really do not think that women should be meek and silent and accept being touched on trains. However when the person doing the touching is a baby, of course its a totally different senario. People dont generally go around telling babies to fuck off, however tempting it may be.

Precisely.

I'm very sorry that happened to you mrsosbourne. It must have been horrible. However, I still think pulling away, shouting ouch etc would have been fine and probably done as much good in either scenario as swearing. I wasn't there though, I just think I would give the benefit of the doubt in those cases unless there was reason to think otherwise.

Also, perhaps we're envisioning a different type of train? I'm thinking of the ones where the seat comes right up above the top of your head type thing so it would be quite hard to do much through / over that than pull hair? So more likely an accident / baby reaching over. I guess if it was the lower ones that come to shoulders it would be more possible for someone to grab at you.

fivefourthreetwoone · 03/11/2013 21:21

Again, she wasn't telling the baby to fuck off, she yelled 'get the fuck off me' as her hair was pulled when there was a good chance she didn't know it was a baby.

MrsOsbourne · 03/11/2013 21:22

< head desk>