To want to call the Man I married my Husband

[Mrsdavidcaruso]

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

Crikey, I gave up reading your post before the "walking out bit" .

I had a mechanic refer to my next door neighbour as my Dad even though I was calling him by his first name and my neighbour said we were 'no relation at all'
Good job he isn't my partner really

YANBU, political correctness gone mad. I think that thinking that it's discriminatory is more discriminatory than using the words husband/wife/spouse. It's indicating that it would offend unmarried or same sex partners when, actually, I'd imagine most people are happy with their decisions and wouldn't give a shit if someone else chose to be married and use the words husband/wife/spouse. In some way it's suggesting that they should be offended.

I think it's offensive to ignore a request to be addressed in a certain way. At work, one of the managers insists on referring to me as Ms - when I was Miss he'd use Ms and now I am Mrs he still uses Ms and it annoys me. Using Ms is a choice rather than an automatic name, I choose to use Mrs (although Miss is absolutely fine). I don't think that it's discriminatory to use the titles we prefer, I think it can be excused when someone doesn't know, but it's inexcusable when someone has expressed their chosen title or name as you did OP.

And I don't see what is wrong with enjoying using the word husband, I think it's nice. I'd imagine that those people who think it suggests possessiveness are people who wouldn't want to be married anyway.

YANBU

I think it is perfectly acceptable to call the other half a partner, when the full details of a relationship are unclear, in order to avoid offending anyone or discrimination. However, once a person has made it clear which term they prefer, it should be used by the hospital staff (unless it is offensive)

The same thing goes for names, the nurse would normally ask "is it Mrs Caruso or David, or Dave etc" and would be expected to use the preferred term afterwards. Even if it is completely different e.g. middle name is used as a first name, or a nickname is used e.g. name is Margaret but every calls them Daisy. Only if it was very offensive e.g. nickname of Hitler or something, would it be acceptable to refuse to cal the patient by their preferred name.

I am unmarried and go by Miss. I don't particularly like being called Ms. I understand that most people will address me as Ms until corrected, but following the correction I would expect them to use it. I would be quite put out if a hospital worker told me ‘we don’t use the title Mrs or Miss as it discriminates against unmarried and married women ‘.

I don't think it really matters. Partner, husband, they are still acknowledging that he is an important person in your life. The only time I get a bit annoyed is when people refer to us as girlfriend and boyfriend. We look young yes, but we are also wearing wedding rings and boyfriend/girlfriend makes it sound like our relationship is meaningless.

You would have been the entertainment of the staff room that day OP - and quite rightly so.
How utterly trivial, yet self important you were. Hilarious!

Yes her marriage is important to her. What's wrong with that? I wonder if this nurse would have changed her terminology it it was a gay couple expressing this wish. Some cultures put a high value on marriage should their wishes be ignored? It's this not listening to people's preferences, not understanding them as a person that leads to systematic neglect in hospitals.

I think the term My Husband is a bit Hyacinth Bucket.

However I would never call him My Partner myself, it's not something I say, although I don't mind or notice if others do.

Personally I call him Dave, it's very easy for people to grasp and saves a lot of confusion.

"We look young yes, but we are also wearing wedding rings and boyfriend/girlfriend makes it sound like our relationship is meaningless."

But does it really matter what opinion random strangers have of your relationship?

Hyacinth Bucket is that you?

Of course her marriage (or Marriage) is important to her. Mine is to me but I don't expect to be so to anyone else. If someone calls my husband my partner and that's how they have been told to refer to him I don't think I'd have a paddy and leave a meeting about my health! Much less assume I could google everything I needed to know. If it's that important make a complaint after? I'm not sure what would happen though.

I think the NHS have better things to do than pander to the Professionally Offended. If you like being pissed off, there are loads of things out there worthy of your anger, like homophobia or racism etc. direct your tantrums to issues worthy of them.

I'm an old traditional is who's been married for almost 25 years (with boringly traditional married DFs and parents) if someone referred to my 'partner' I'd wonder when I'd started a business.

Downtown I call dh Dave too
Or Fucker when the occasion calls for it.

I've never heard anyone say the word 'partner' is offensive.

So you are offended if someone (who doesn't know) suggests you might not be married? Or you might be in a same sex relationship? This is offensive to you?

Seriously, get a fucking grip.

YABU.

Nurses have loads of patients to look after. Expecting them to remember each individual patients personal request on how their partner husband be addressed is unrealistic and a waste of their time. They wouldn't be able to remember them all so would need to make a note of it to refer to everytime she or he approached you. They are overstretched already to the point of it being dangerous. You really are want to add to their workload at all? Really?

Get a grip.

Now that I have two children it seems my brain has reached its limit and has decided to dump all names in a big heap from which I pull one at random. As a consequence when I am referring to DH in formal situations he is known as "the tall one with the beard." Otherwise he is known as "you there, the one who isn't a child or a cat." Perhaps I should ask officials to refer to him as the beard-wearing non-cat."

BTW this AIBU would make a perfect DM article.. complete with women with scrouched face and crossed arms!

you there, the one who isn't a child or a cat

that's genius!

What Slutbucket said. Both times.

Call people what they want to be called.

It is rude when someone has been asked not to refer to someone in a particular way. Then continues to do it. So on that grounds, YANBU.

But it is fundamental to good quality care that the person feels listened too and the power shift changes. It is important that patients feel empowered to express our preferences. It becomes a slippery slope if this basic rule of thumb is not adhered to. When you look at CQC reports when there has been reported safeguarding issues one of the main things that comes up is the lack of communication. I assess people's competence and communication is a key thing that is assessed. Sometimes it can be frustrating watching professionals not listening.

"Nurses have loads of patients to look after."

OP isn't a patient.

She was talking to a nurse about going into hospital.

They were the only two people in the discussion!

And the nurse still kept saying partner after the OP asked her not to.

How is that OK?