To want to call the Man I married my Husband

[Mrsdavidcaruso]

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

Do scenarios like this even exist?

Patient: "Please call me Mrs. Smith, and when speaking of my husband, please refer to him as my husband and not my partner."

Nurse/HCP: "No".

Patient: "You've left me no option but to insist that I be assigned a new nurse/HCP."

It's surreal.

Well, it wouldn't matter to me, but it does matter to the OP and I think the hcp comes across as not having the comfort of her actual patient in mind more than the theoretical patients who may prefer partner.

Because it is a little thing that matters enough to a patient that they specifically asked for husband to be used, is the very reason the nurse should have just done it. In the great scheme of things it doesn't 'matter' but it has a huge effect on the individual patient, who should have been that nurse's priority.

"A huge effect"? Really?!

As a nurse, when dealing with patients, part of my job is to ofc give out the correct advice and do all the "clinical" tasks as such, it is also to make a patient feel comfortable and safe and build a trust and rapport...

I would use "partner" until the patient had clarified such for me...as in husband, wife etc...

Then I use the terminology that the patient them self uses. It is part of building that relationship with a patient, when they are vulnerable and relying on you for even a cup of tea! I have referred to the partner of same sex couples as husband or wife as that is what they called them, and it would not occur to me to continue to use a terminology that they have made clear they do not use, to do so would be to foster issues that do not need to exist.

I once spent the entire day referring to someone as "Big Bob" as that is what his friends called him and what made him feel comfortable...fair enough..although I got some odd looks in the waiting room when I called him back into the unit!

Patients are not cookie cutter cardboard copies of each other and it should be part of a nurses job to adjust how they deal and talk to patients...and that does come down to using terminology that will make them feel comfortable and within reason.

I would find it hard to believe that a hospital would have a policy in place that "partner" must be used even in cases where it has been made clear that it is not liked by the patient. Yes, maybe to say use partner or be "vague" when referring to who is a family member is, until it had been made clear..

If this is true, if the nurse is that worried about it, all she has to do is write a quick sentence saying patient prefers that her partner be referred to as husband!

So the nurse was being a bit of a jobsworth, but the op had overreacted.

Feeling that your hcp respects how you feel and cares enough about your comfort to listen to your wishes does have a huge effect.

TonytheFish we have no information to suggest the nurse refused to change the word. Only that the nurse explained why she used 'partner' and then the OP stormed out.

I can see reasons why the nurse might have stuck to NHS policy, but we don't know that happened anyway.

That in itself is odd because it implies that the feelings of those who aren't married are given precedence over those who are.

LouiseAderyn using the same term protects those who are married too. would you be offended it I asked how your wife is getting on? Even if you are young enough not to be upset by that don't you think some older married women might be?. At the beginning of the conversation the nurse wouldn't know if you were married to a man or woman.

Partner is safer all round.

I think partner is fine until someone requests their preference.

Personally I would feel like an utter tit even correcting someone over something so totally unimportant. I think the OP made a fool of herself even raising it.

The professionally offended on MN never cease to amaze me!

BackOnlyBriefly - in the bit of the OP that you quoted so narrowly, she actually said:

"However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘."

She clearly feels it was a lecture, and I have no reason to call her a liar.

Had the HCP used a different (apologetic, maybe) tone, and said something along these lines - "I'm sorry - we have to use the word partner, so as not to discriminate against single people and same-sex couples, but I am happy to use 'husband' as you prefer it" - the outcome would have been very different, I suspect.

BitOutOfPractice - just because something is unimportant to you doesn't mean it is unimportant to everyone. It clearly is important to the OP - so why are people so unwilling to accept that she has a right to her own feelings, even if they don't agree with her?

"Feeling that your hcp respects how you feel and cares enough about your comfort to listen to your wishes does have a huge effect.". Spot on, LouiseAderyn.

No - the point of the OP was that she felt that the HCP didn't respect her feelings - I know that. But I think it is shitty to tell someone that something they feel strongly about IS unimportant, or they should be glad that is all they have to worry about.

Are people only entitled to feel,upset about something if MN agrees that it is important enough? I am willing to bet that there are things that really upset me that you couldn't give a damn about - does that make my feelings invalid, or not worthy of some respect? I think so, but maybe you disagree.

I think that in view of all the picky people, if I was a HCP, I would just say 'father of your baby' and if challenged say that anything else is too contentious!

That only works if you are talking to someone who has a baby, and could be considered discriminatory and offensive by someone who is childless - sorry! The only thing that works is listening to your patient and taking your cue from them.

Sorry, after nearly 700 posts I had forgotten why she was at the hospital!

Well I think I have fallen in love with DuckworthLewis who has said all I could have wanted to say and which I think is a huge part of the nub of what is going wrong.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Yes, OP said "I got a lecture" and then told us what that lecture consisted of.
And the bit the OP quoted to us sounds fine to me. Assuming it is policy what else can the nurse say but to repeat it.

Maybe all sorts of other things happened, but we don't know that.

And according to the OP she stormed out then so we'll never know if the Nurse would have started using 'husband'

Are people only entitled to feel,upset about something if MN agrees that it is important enough?

No, of course not. But I suppose the thing is that to some of us this is like that woman with the green fence whose neighbour liked it red or whichever way round it was and it genuinely sounds a bit insane to be that bothered about it either way.

SDT I missed the mn memo that said we had to say "yy op of course YANBU".

I think she was BU. I said so.

I know, Huitre.

To quite a lot of us, having a husband - or even a Husband - is really not a big deal.

Yes, motherinferior. I have a husband (who used to not be my husband but was my partner) and I am pretty sure that he's been addressed as partner while my husband and husband while my unmarried partner. But I can't say for sure because I just honestly don't care that much. Well, not even not that much. I just do not care AT ALL. Much like if someone painted the side of my garden fence that I can't see in lurid yellow, I'd just let them get on with it because it just would not make one tiny iota of difference to any part of my life.

Their decision to have staff always use the term partner forever avoids any confusion or upset

Well it obviously doesn't.

I find it hard to believe that a hospital would have this policy as it can and did cause upset.
The policy is probably to use partner by default (which OP agrees with) and then, when staff know the facts or know the patients preference, to change accordingly.
Maybe the HCP was having a bad day or she had her own issues opinions on the matter.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting.

That's pretty much the definition of a disproportionate response.