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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think hitting someone else's child....

167 replies

pinkballetflats · 01/11/2013 13:53

is NOT ok?

Acquaintance of mine is today boasting online that she hit a 5-year-old last night because of his bad manners while ToTing. Yes, the little angel needed to be told it is not okay to barge through everyone else and knock a smaller child over in the process, but hitting? She was pulled up on it but her attitude is her house, her rules and a slap on the hand is appropriate.

This isn't the first time she's boasted about hitting stranger's children. She did it at a restaurant once too because the toddler was pulling on her hair...fair enough, something needed to be said...but instead she turned around and slapped the child on the hand.

Am I just being precious in thinking this is the completely wrong way to handle either situation?

OP posts:
HowlingTrap · 01/11/2013 16:00

The boasting is quite disturbing.

My BIL when confronted, quite arrogantly dictated that if my DS misbehaves he gets a slap and it's 'as simple as that '
the response was worse than the action in my eyes ,

Thewalkingdeadkr · 01/11/2013 16:03

strump it was a Halloween name change (for which I was a joint runner up I might add)
I must remember to change back now.
Glad it's not just me but I really wouldn't be responsible for my actions if anyone hit my child.

SanityClause · 01/11/2013 16:05

I was chatting, last night, about CP to a friend who runs a nursery.

Did you know that if your DC is at nursery and tells the staff there that you hit (slap, smack, whatever) them, they have to keep a record of it, in case there are further concerns in the future?

Strumpetron · 01/11/2013 16:07

strump it was a Halloween name change (for which I was a joint runner up I might add)

Yay well done!

Sparklysilversequins · 01/11/2013 16:08

"slapping a child's hand is not hitting them"

Yes it is.

123bucklemyshoe · 01/11/2013 16:12

& technicallly it is assault. Simple as that.

Sparklysilversequins · 01/11/2013 16:17

junkfoodaddict I am really interested to know your reasoning behind causing your child pain in order to teach him not to run across the road. You do realise that he just thinks you hit and hurt him for running don't you? Babies respond hugely to parents facial emotions and moods. You'd have got much further with him by showing him how frightened and upset you were combined with telling him and showing him what he did.

Oh and those of you who think its ok to hit your kids, every time you do, you increase their fear of you and decrease your bond with them. No one likes or trusts people who hurt them, parent or not. The person they love the most has hurt them. And whether they are old enough to understand why you did it or not and at 22 months they are NOT, they will still feel angry and helpless and that is not how kids should feel if you want them to develop healthily mentally.

As for your friend OP, I would tell her exactly what I thought of her bullying behaviour right there on line for everyone to read.

Jolleigh · 01/11/2013 16:27

YANBU OP. It's a parent's job to discipline their child, nobody else's. I certainly wouldn't react well if I found out someone had hit my child, let alone if I saw it.

Shellywelly1973 · 01/11/2013 16:55

My mother rarely sees my dc because she won't stop smacking them...that and more!

One boxing day about 4 years ago, Ds (who has ASD & ADHD) came with me to pick my mum up. My mum had slapped ds whilst in the car on the way back to my house after only being in the car for about 15/20 min to teach him manners... She still insists the majority of ds problems are because I DON'T smack him...

My youngest ds5 is visually impaired & being assessed for ASD. In the summer my lovely sister took ds with her dc to visit my mum. My mum hadn't seen ds since last Christmas. My mil was dying of cancer & my dc were devastated, to say the very least. My mum slapped ds for play fighting with my nephew who's also 5. When my sister asked my mum what she was thinking of, my mum replied...'He's a f*ing little bully who needs to be taught a lesson'.

My sister was really upset.

My dc have nick named my mum the 'slapping nanny'.
Their grandmother who died 7 weeks ago, they call her 'smiling nanny'. Think that sums it up from the dc perspective.

My mother is disgusting & will never change- so we just don't see her!

Shellywelly1973 · 01/11/2013 16:57

Sorry fot that long post...ds with asd was 3 when my mum hit him on the boxing day.

manicinsomniac · 01/11/2013 17:06

I don't think it is ever okay to hit a child, particularly not someone else's.

However, this: Oh and those of you who think its ok to hit your kids, every time you do, you increase their fear of you and decrease your bond with them. No one likes or trusts people who hurt them, parent or not. is rather OTT/emotional. I was smacked for bad behaviour up until the age of about 7ish I think. I remember it but I didn't and don't feel any fear or mistrust towards my parents for it, I just saw it as my punishment. I imagine the majority of people who were children before the mid to late 90s would have the same experience. Physical abuse would have the effects you describe but the occasional smack for bad behaviour is not physical abuse, it's just not great parenting.

hardboiledpossum · 01/11/2013 17:15

manic I think it really depends on the child's personality. I was only smacked (lightly) on less than a handful of occasions and I certainly remember scared, hurt and confused. luckily my mum apologised and our relationship recovered.

FlapJackOLantern · 01/11/2013 17:49

So was it a 'slap on the hand' or full on 'hitting'?

hardboiledpossum · 01/11/2013 18:13

a slap on the hand is hitting.

Sparklysilversequins · 01/11/2013 18:18

I can't stand it when people say it was a slight slap or the often used "tap" on the hand. If that's all it is, why bother? What's the point? Why not a stroke or a gentle squeeze to get attention? Why slap/tap at all?

Original poster
pinkballetflats · 01/11/2013 18:27

FlapJack - I don't think it's relevant personally (though she has used 3 different words to describe her hitting incident so far....including slapped) (I'm the OP BTW, just namechanged back to my old name and CBA to change just for this thread)

I've got no problem with disciplining someone's child if they are not paying attention and the child is causing damage to something or someone...but hitting/slapping/tapping - whatever name you want to give it - is a step too far. At least I think so.

I'm shocked at this woman, especially as she's boasting (and it is boasting, there's a lot of prideful my-kids-are-perfect-because-I-taught-them-manners talk going on, and saying that the 5 year old got what he deserved) on a social networking site...and she's a children's photographer....

OP posts:
Blu · 01/11/2013 18:30

She sounds like a complete idiot, and will engineer her own justice, then!

dyslexicdespot · 01/11/2013 18:59

Very well said Sparklysilversequins!

I am surprised so many people would even consider justifying inflicting pain on a child ( with the obvious exception of necessary medical procedures).

A cursory glance at peer reviewed articles concerning corporal punishment should be enough to convince anyone never to hit a child.

TheGhostofAmandaClarke · 01/11/2013 19:12

I have noticed that some people ( that's you DM) are bursting at the seams to dole out a bit of physical chastisement. It is a very strongly held belief with some individuals that children need smacking. And then they go all out to find/name behaviours that require it. Among the favourites seem to be "running into th road" (great. Why not just stop them) "hitting" (oh, the irony) and the tried and trusted "touching a fire/ cooker/ live electrics"
YANBU. It's not appropriate. And as others have said, technically a common assault I believe.

TheGhostofAmandaClarke · 01/11/2013 19:14

Oh and yy to sparkly what's with the tapping? Hmm

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 01/11/2013 19:19

So, to those that tap/smack/hit (synonyms - stop trying to downgrade it with 'softer' words) - how do you teach your child not to smack?

dubstarr73 · 01/11/2013 19:20

She will hit the wrong persons child.Its just a matter of when.I wouldnt trust her with my dc.Mything aunt is like this she thinks she can slap kids that arent even related to her.I told her she ever slaps my kids it would be the last thing she would do.

Sparklysilversequins · 01/11/2013 19:29

I agree theghost. It's almost like its one of the enjoyable parts of being a parent. Getting to dish out a few slaps, because that's part of it isn't it? As much as feeding them milk and dressing in cute little outfits. Certainly both sets of grandparents of my dc were just itching to get started on mine HmmAngry.

And another thing, quite a few of those who say "never did me any harm" well it did actually because YOU'VE grown up wanting to use your big, strong grown up hands to hurt your children in the same way you were hurt in the name of "discipline". Having the idea that you should hurt other people to punish them and a sense that its normal to be that way shows you have been harmed.

FranSanDisco · 01/11/2013 19:34

When mine were toddlers (up to 2.6 yo ish) I would use the odd smack on the hand to reinforce my words. It really wasn't necessary as they got older as they were able to listen to my explanations and in exceptional circumstances time out or removal of toy(s) was used.

My dcs have never hit any other children and are not scared of me but they know when they have crossed a line by my tone of voice.

Even though I do not agree that smacking a child's hand is the worst thing you can do I would never hit another persons child, ever.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 01/11/2013 21:33

A question for those who tap / slap / hit children: When you are elderly with limited brain function caused by age rather than youth, is it okay for your children or maybe care home workers to give you a tap / slap / hit to better get their message across? If not, why not?