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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That DN in dressed up in my bridesmaid outfit for halloween

113 replies

BeigeBuffet · 31/10/2013 15:12

I got married in the summer and DN was my bridesmaid. She looked beautiful and I thought carefully about the dress that I gave her to wear. I also bought hair accessories to go with it.

On the day DN turned up without the hair accessories, but looking lovely in her dress. However, I've just seen photo's of her Halloween outfit and she has now been dressed up as a dead bride, with her lovely little bridesmaid dress ripped, torn and drawn on. She's also wearing all her hair accessories.

I know that children have to have outfits, but AIBU to think that maybe this outfit didn't need to be turned into a Halloween outfit? It makes me feel like our wedding outfits were tat.

OP posts:

Pennyacrossthehall · 31/10/2013 15:14

I can understand why you unhappy to see a piece if your wedding treated this way.

But, was it a dress that she would ever have worn again otherwise? If not, then maybe this is the best use of it.

ENormaSnob · 31/10/2013 15:16

Yabu

The dress wouldnt fit her forever.

Or did you expect her to keep and cherish it?

CuthbertDibble · 31/10/2013 15:17

How old is she? What did you expect/want her to do with it? I'd be happy that at least she's managed to use it again, it's a bit of a waste if it just sits in the wardrobe until the next charity shop clear out.

FreakinRexManningDay · 31/10/2013 15:17

I can see why you're upset but you gave DN this dress. She wore it at your wedding and then it probably hung in the wardrobe.

DD was a flower girl/bridesmaid 4 times and those dresses have graduated to the dress up box for dd3.

NoComet · 31/10/2013 15:21

I wouldn't have minded at all if my youngest cousin had put black spiders web netting a cape and a hat over her bridesmaids dress and used it as a Halloween costume.

The DDs have both used their bridesmaids dresses (from a friends wedding) to be angels and stars in school plays. DD2 passed hers on to a DFs little sister to use for the school royal wedding party.

But I think I would be sad to see them wrecked before they had done a few years service as pretty dresses.

MrTumblesKnickers · 31/10/2013 15:21

I also wonder what you thought she'd do with it? Hand it down to future generations? She sounds very creative! Nothing to do with your wedding day.

Original poster

BeigeBuffet · 31/10/2013 15:25

I just feel a bit offended, I can totally see that it's not going to fit forever but to see it ripped up, torn and drawn all over is taking it a bit too far in my eyes. My SIL seems to see the things that we buy for DN are crap anyway, never once has DN been allowed to take a toy that we've bought for her home (it's always been put in a toybox at DMIL's house to never see the light of day again, or carbooted). It's got to the point that I've asked DH whether it's even worth us buying presents, just get vouchers instead.

These weren't cheap dresses, and I didn't mind buying them because they were lovely. I was absolutely not a bridezilla but I have attached some sentiment to the dresses.

OP posts:

Nassau · 31/10/2013 15:25

I do understand that you're upset, but at least she's getting another wear out of it! Would it have been a dress she could've used again for another occasion?

I got married 13 years ago and my bridesmaids had deep purple long sleeved, ballerina length hand-made dresses. They were lovely but not something you could really wear again (eventhough the lady in the fabric shop thought they could). My sister (20-ish at the time), the following Halloween, proceeded to customise her dress into a witches costume, using black spiderweb lace. It is magnificent and has been used near enough every Halloween since by somebody in the family.

Reminds me - must find the baby-blue off the shoulder dress I wore as a bridesmaid so I can dye and frankinstein it for myself, as I'll never wear that again (thank god).

thebody · 31/10/2013 15:27

this isn't totally about the dress is it op?

Silverlace · 31/10/2013 15:30

YANBU. Dead bride? That is horrible. I can see why you are upset.

I hate Halloween and all the gory stuff that goes with it but that is a whole bundle of other threads that have already been done. Bah humbug or the Halloween equivalent!

WinterOfOurDiscontent · 31/10/2013 15:44

Imo yanbu i wouldn't like the idea of it being yorn up and drawn on either. Think its rude.

GoldenGytha · 31/10/2013 15:46

I kind of get what you mean OP,

DD1 was my friend's flower girl 18 years ago, and she kept her dress for years until XH threw it out

She wore it to parties, and then DD2 after her.

DD2 had a lovely party dress, that she called her "Princess Dress", she wore it as often as she could until it was outgrown. We were going to keep it, as we're quite sentimental that way, but then DD decided that my niece would love the dress just as much as she had, so we gave it to her. A month or so later, we saw it all crumpled and torn, with a huge ink stain on it, shoved in the toy box.

So part of me (and DD2) was hurt that my niece didn't appreciate the dress, and the other part thought, well I did give her the dress, so she can do what she likes with it.

But I understand how you feel, so YANBU.

scarevola · 31/10/2013 15:47

I think I'd be a bit miffed at ripped (as it might have been possible to pass it on as a party dress). But pimped and reused? I'd love it!

shrieklesoda · 31/10/2013 15:50

I can kind of see why you're annoyed, but at the same time I think you are attaching sentimentality to it, as the bride, that just doesn't exist for other people. Your wedding really only matters to you and your DH, which is normal and understandable. To everyone else, it's just a nice day out.

Badvoc · 31/10/2013 15:51

Her dress.
Not yours.
Yabu.

oscarwilde · 31/10/2013 15:52

How old is she ? Old enough to have done this herself, or only with the consent and assistance of a parent? If the latter, that will tell you what your SIL thought of the dress.

MrTumblesKnickers · 31/10/2013 15:54

Your SIL sounds rude. Do you think she was behind the idea?

Lilicat1013 · 31/10/2013 15:56

My little bridesmaid had a beautiful white dress and a little white cardigan, she looked lovely in it. That outfit also got transformed in to a corpse bride outside for Halloween.

I didn't mind though, I had a Halloween wedding. She was a beautiful, traditional bridesmaid for the ceremony and fun, scary corpse bride for the evening bit.

The dress wasn't wrecked though, it was customised in ways that were all removable. I would have been a little upset if she had destroyed a perfectly nice dress because it is wasteful. I wouldn't have minded if it had been sold or given away but wrecking it would have bothered me for that reason.

I can understand why it would upset you and it is a little tackless to do it for this Halloween, waiting a year would have been more thoughtful if you have only just gotten married.

StarvingBookworm · 31/10/2013 15:57

I do see what you mean ... However, at around 18mo my DD was a flower girl for her aunt. The wedding was abroad so the dress was worn for the Caribbean wedding and the reception at home. Since then the dress has hung unworn in my wardrobe. It's beautiful but has had no wear since. DC2 is a boy, so not used for him, and the only nice occasion we had while she was still able to fit in it was another wedding, I didn't want her dressed as a flower girl for that!

I do think whoever said it's not about the dress is probably right.

Original poster

BeigeBuffet · 31/10/2013 16:02

DN is 5 so the dress was certainly SIL's idea. Also, I know for a fact that DMIL bought lots of Halloween outfits in the sale last year for them to fit DN in the future years. I know that I'm attaching a sentiment to it and I agree that it wouldn't be nice if it was just hung up in the wardrobe doing nothing but it's the total destruction of it that bothers me, it's only use after this is for the bin.

The dress is actually very similar to what SIL bought DN when she got married, but that certainly didn't end up in shreds.

My lovely friend has a DD who came to our wedding in a beautiful dress very similar to our bridesmaid dresses. Her DD is dressed as a pumpkin, rather than a dead bride!

OP posts:

perplexedpirate · 31/10/2013 16:02

YABU. My best Halloween outfit ever was Miss Haversham.
I ripped and spray painted a charity shop wedding dress and looked amazing. It was, I understand, somebodies dream dress, but it wasn't mine, and the dress got another outing (still being worn as fancy dress too, as far as I know).
It's just fabric. No big deal.

Snowgirl1 · 31/10/2013 16:12

Sorry, but I think YABU. I agree with shrieklesoda that you're attaching more sentimentality to it because it was the bridesmaid dress at your wedding. It's just a dress - let it go.

Original poster

BeigeBuffet · 31/10/2013 16:12

perplexedpirate I'm more than happy for people to be creative and buy things from charity shops and change them, but it is rather insensitive to take a dress that was bought for your DD, rip it to shreds, draw all over it and then pass it off a Halloween outfit. It doesn't feel very nice to see that.

Another of my older bridesmaids has taken her dress from full length to knee length and it looks absolutely gorgeous, no qualms about that at all.

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 31/10/2013 16:12

Gosh YANBU.

All those people who are saying "I made my Bridesmaid's dress into an evening dress" are missing the point.

The dress has been deliberately ruined (as a pretty dress, which is what it is) and made into something macabre and intentionally repellent. The pretty hair decorations which were not deemed nice enough to wear on the day now appear to have been considered appropriate accessories for a "dead bride" costume. Ni-ice.

And as for a 5 year old dressing up as a "dead bride" anyway.

You'd get a catsbum and a bosom hoik from me to that.

TheCraicDealer · 31/10/2013 16:13

I was absolutely not a bridezilla but I have attached some sentiment to the dresses.

Your SIL sounds like a bellend about the present issue, but you have to remember it was your wedding, not hers. She's not going to think about the dress the same way as you do.

I was a flowergirl at my uncle's wedding when I was four. My now-aunt had some lovely dresses and rag dolls in matching dresses (mine was called Rosie, DTwin called hers Jim) made for us specially. And guess what? After the Big Day they were never worn again and left in a wardrobe until they were packed off to the charity shop a few years later. I would’ve loved it if we had something like that Halloween costume to look back on as well as the wedding photos. So- YABabitU. But she sounds like a knob.

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