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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That DN in dressed up in my bridesmaid outfit for halloween

113 replies

BeigeBuffet · 31/10/2013 15:12

I got married in the summer and DN was my bridesmaid. She looked beautiful and I thought carefully about the dress that I gave her to wear. I also bought hair accessories to go with it.

On the day DN turned up without the hair accessories, but looking lovely in her dress. However, I've just seen photo's of her Halloween outfit and she has now been dressed up as a dead bride, with her lovely little bridesmaid dress ripped, torn and drawn on. She's also wearing all her hair accessories.

I know that children have to have outfits, but AIBU to think that maybe this outfit didn't need to be turned into a Halloween outfit? It makes me feel like our wedding outfits were tat.

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 31/10/2013 16:14

Sorry, but I think YABU. I agree with shrieklesoda that you're attaching more sentimentality to it because it was the bridesmaid dress at your wedding.

and what's wrong with that anyway?

I don't know what happened to the dresses my DNs wore at our wedding but TBH I would quite happily have had them back and kept them as souvenirs once they'd grown out of them - to remember when they were bridesmaids and were little enough to fit into the dresses. And I am not a particularly sentimental person.

CissyMeldrum · 31/10/2013 16:15

YANBU

DuckworthLewis · 31/10/2013 16:19

What BaloonSlayer said.

YANBU OP, I'd be very upset too. There's nothing you can do about it though really, but here, have some and from me.

MrTumblesKnickers · 31/10/2013 16:20

I think your SIL was really insensitive and I'm switching to YANBU.

Callani · 31/10/2013 16:20

I think what's upsetting here is less the action (the dress being made into a hallowe'en outfit) and more the intention you perceive to be behind it.
From the sounds of your SIL she probably did this a bit spitefully, but I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and just put it out of mind.

DuckworthLewis · 31/10/2013 16:20

BalLoonSlayer even

Callani · 31/10/2013 16:22

Oh, but I think YANBU.

DuckworthLewis · 31/10/2013 16:25

FWIW, I might feel differently had your DN been, say a 15 yr old arty type wishing to express her creativity.

This just seems so spiteful on the part of your SIL. Do you mind if I ask how old she is? Has she ever been married (i.e. planned a wedding herself) I'm wondering if she might have just been thoughtless?

shrieklesoda · 31/10/2013 16:33

yes, sorry, I didn't mean that there was something wrong with being sentimental about your bridesmaid dresses, I just meant that it is usually the case that it will be of sentimental value to the bride but not to anyone else.

Personally I wouldn't trash the dress in this way (and also wouldn't dress a five year old as a zombie bride or whatever). But I also wouldn't assume that someone else would feel in some way attached to something related to my wedding, if that makes sense.

ll31 · 31/10/2013 16:35

Yabu, how many long will dress fit her. Better to see her using and enjoying it.

kerala · 31/10/2013 16:37

If she was 15 and had done it herself I would be ok with it. But the fact she is so young it must have had your sil input - I would be abit hurt YANBU

Original poster

BeigeBuffet · 31/10/2013 16:37

DuckworthLewis I agree, I think I would have felt differently if my DN was older and had wanted to express her creativity, but as a 5 year old I think it's inappropriate for her to be a dead bride, and especially in a dress that still fits her beautifully, which is now rags and only good for the bin.

SIL got married two years ago, it was treated like the wedding of the century, it's all we heard about for nearly two years. She hated me getting married to her DB (we did it quickly and quietly after being together 6 years). She never congratulated us, she was really moody about it and was really difficult about the whole thing. I never once said anything because I don't have siblings and have found this a whole new experience, but I know that DH now wants less to do with her because of her attitude. She's since had another DD and has been a lot nicer now that the attention is back on her.

DN's dress when SIL got married was very similar to the dress she wore to mine, but that was never shredded and drawn on!

OP posts:

MrsCampbellBlack · 31/10/2013 16:46

totally what balloonslayer said - you are so not being unreasonable.

CoffeeTea103 · 31/10/2013 16:47

Yanbu, it was probably your SIL idea since dd is only 5. The choice of idea as well is also a bit for a 5 year old. That was insensitive of her to do that.

FayeKorgasm · 31/10/2013 16:51

I think that this is your SIL telling you something!

She really doesn't like you and is jealous of your relationship with her brother. She might have been very jealous of your wedding itself too.

It is a cruel act, but rise above it, you won't ever win.

AnkaretLestrange · 31/10/2013 16:52

I agree with balloonslayer.

A dead bride is a ghastly costume for a 5 year old, fgs.

And it is very insulting to ignore the hair ornaments for the actual day (especially as you paid for them) but to wear them when dressed up as a zombie.

Rude buggers. No wonder you're upset.

thebody · 31/10/2013 16:56

yes your sil obviously is a daft insensitive mare and yes I would be pissed off too. however don't show it and don't give her the satisfaction.

dead bride is yeuk anyway.

DuckworthLewis · 31/10/2013 17:10

Ok, so your SIL is just being spiteful then, what a horrible thing to do - especially wrt the hair accessories [thisad]

Unfortunately, the only thing you can really do is ignore. As pp have said, don't give her the satisfaction.

I'm fuming on your behalf though OP - some people, eh?

LucySnoweShouldRelax · 31/10/2013 18:05

YABU, I feel, if only because I can see echoes of my relationship with my stepmum here.

My stepmum is a good person. Her heart is in the right place. However, we would never choose to spend time together, were we not related. But we rub along together when we have to, despite different views, different attitudes and different tastes. Which brings me to my point.

You love the dress, and you believe that it was similar to the dress at your SIL wedding. Absolutely fair enough. However. Your SIL is entitled to not like the dress particularly, and put it to another use. It is not a reflection on you unless you choose it to be. You say she doesn't like the toys, etc. Then maybe do get vouchers. I say this as someone who every year gets clothes or jewelery that I will never wear that my stepmum thinks I'd like because "its a bit quirky" It's not the end of the world, I smile and say thank you, but I never wear it, and I really wish she wouldn't waste her money.

What I'm trying cack-handedly to say is, don't project your own feelings and sentimentality on other people. No one wins that way. Don't try and second guess people's motives. Accept you have different tastes and attitudes and move on. (And buy vouchers.)

DuckworthLewis · 31/10/2013 18:13

don't project your own feelings and sentimentality on other people.

What a sad statement. Projecting one's feelings of love and sentimentality onto friends and family is (or should be) a fundamental part of life.

Have we really reached a point where this is no longer considered the norm?

Are you trying to suggest that OP's feelings are fair game to be trampled on by all and sundry and she just has to suck it up?

Here's an alternative, how about people (like OP's SIL) learn some manners and demonstrate a little courtesy?

Original poster

BeigeBuffet · 31/10/2013 18:21

Duckworth Can you be my SIL instead please?

OP posts:

LucySnoweShouldRelax · 31/10/2013 18:25

What I mean by that is, don't expect people to feel the same about items or topics as you do. Some people, as we see on this thread, would see The Corpse Bride costume as a fun way to get another wear out of a dress that will soon be grown out of.

I try and be courteous and kind always. However, I have had to be called up on my blunt sense of humour by others, not because I was being malicious, but because I honestly didn't realise that others would be offended, because most of my friends are equally if not more sarcastic, so sometimes I forget myself in company! I apologise, of course. We all need to give eachother a break, when there is room for doubt.

Pretty much everything we do could offend someone. If it were my SIL, and she had fun customizing the dress with her daughter, then I say what harm. The OP doesn't feel the same. If it were a pointed, personal attack, that's when it's worth addressing, IMHO.

LucySnoweShouldRelax · 31/10/2013 18:39

Why not assume the best, that DN was growing out of her dress, they wanted to make a costume together and they had fun doing it. You won't ever know the real story, why dwell on the worst case scenario and let it fester?

Don't buy toys any more, buy vouchers or ask SIL if there's anything DN would like. That's that headache sorted.

You can't change your SIL, don't waste energy wishing she was a different person but maybe you can try and change how you let her get under your skin?

bundaberg · 31/10/2013 18:43

yanbu!

so what if she was only going to wear it once? it could at least have been passed on and re-used instead of just being trashed and thrown away!!

what a waste.

and pretty fucking tactless to trash it, and use the hair accessories which were obv deemed not good enough for the wedding, and then flaunt it where they know OP would see it.

it's just not really very nice is it?

beachesandbuckets · 31/10/2013 18:49

I find this offensive, and woul be equally as upset x

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