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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop MIL having DD? extremely long

131 replies

Insanityismymiddlename · 31/10/2013 12:05

MIL thread I'm afraid.

I am so fucked off with my MIL but will start at beginning so not to drip feed.

My MIL and I never saw eye to eye until I was around 6mths pregnant when all of a sudden things changed and she started being nice to me, eventually became to trust her and made an effort.

DD is 8 weeks old, I went back to work 4 weeks ago as didn't qualify for maternity, childcare sorted with DP.
MIL asked to have her that one night I worked and I said ok and we will drop her off on the way, but no MIL wanted to pick her up earlier to spend time with her, ok so agreed that she would pick up DD 5pm and I can't do earlier due to other DCs and our family life.

After the first week MIL started calling asking to pick her up earlier and I said NO to which she still turned up let it go but then started to be a weekly thing that she wants DD earlier.

MIL couldn't have her the night as planned this week as DD had her jabs and I took the night off, as DD was better I offered MIL to have her for a bit yesterday which then by MIL was turned into a sleepover, meaning me and DP could have a night to ourselves which was lovely, MIL said she will need to drop her off by 9.30 am as she had a routine hospital trip with her DM, no problem we will be back and my sister will be here anyway as she wants to see DD.

Come home this morning after getting up at the crack of dawn so we will be home in time, 9.30 comes and goes so ring MIL to find out how late she was running.
MIL decided to take DD to the hospital with her, has not asked us or even told us and I am fuming, I agreed MIL could have her but told her my sister was here to see DD and she took her anyway.

I haven't seen DD in over 24hrs and I want my baby back, I trusted MIL enough to look after her for a little while but now she is taking the piss, I am furious.

MIL only has DD because she wants her, not because I need her help, she always offers and is not asked.

Surely taking DD away from her parents for a lot longer than what was agreed without a word is a good enough reason to put my foot down and say no you can't have her, AIBU?

As a side note MIL knew I didn't want DD going to the hospital as she isn't vaccinated and it is my decision, she was specifically told this as I had to find childcare for her when DS stuck a button up his nose and didn't want such a young vunerable baby stuck in a waiting room with possibly very sick people.

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Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 01/11/2013 15:53

Well MIL isn't coming she messaged back saying she will speak to her husband and see what he thinks, nothing since (hours ago) - ridiculous actually, I would have thought she may have bothered for her grandchild but nope.

The reason DP said come here was because the last time she fell out with him, he went there to talk and was ripped to shreds, at least here in our house I can set the rule of no shouting and if it can't be sorted rationally then I can chuck them out.

It's her loss at the end of the day if she wants to see DD then she needs to accept that she was in the wrong and apologise.

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TrucksAndDinosaurs · 01/11/2013 23:55

Good. I hope you all have a peaceful weekend

Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 05/11/2013 16:43

Update: DP spoke to MIL we went over to discuss the issues and have written off the lateness as a misunderstanding, However the car seat issue still stands the only response we have got it they checked it and its a mystery with the subject quickly changed.

This is not ok, first they just brush it off as a mystery and think we will still hand over our precious DD.

When it is made clear we aren't handing DD over ever again we get accused of not trusting them (We dont) and punishing them (its not like that at all just dont feel comfortable leaving DD incase a mystery happens again).

When this guilt trip didn't work we were accused of being bad parents because we put DD at risk be having dogs and because we smoke (never in front of DCs or when pregnant).

We haven't said they cannot see DD they are more than welcome to visit or we can bring her to theirs all we have said is their is obviously more to the car seat thing than we are being told and we won't be leaving her with them.

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gemmal88 · 05/11/2013 17:49

I definitely wouldn't let her have your baby again over night if that is how she behaves!

She has been really out of order just doing as she pleases, without any regard for you. I'd have as calm a word as you can and just tell her she's welcome to visit and see her but she's not taking her away.

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 05/11/2013 18:12

Well done.
Actions speak louder than words.

AnyFindingIdeas · 05/11/2013 20:29

I love the way you said you wouldn't be comfortable leaving DD alone with them, in case a mystery happens again. Brilliant.

They sound awful. I really hope you and your DH stick to your guns.

Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 05/11/2013 20:48

Poor DP is fuming, a rational response would be worry and trying to find out what happened not refusing to acknowledge a problem and having a go at us.

It's like I said though if it was my mum who brought her back done up like that then MIL would think I was irresponsible to let my mum have her again, so it's the same thing.

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Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 05/11/2013 20:49

Poor DP is fuming, a rational response would be worry and trying to find out what happened not refusing to acknowledge a problem and having a go at us.

It's like I said though if it was my mum who brought her back done up like that then MIL would think I was irresponsible to let my mum have her again, so it's the same thing.

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Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 05/11/2013 20:49

Poor DP is fuming, a rational response would be worry and trying to find out what happened not refusing to acknowledge a problem and having a go at us.

It's like I said though if it was my mum who brought her back done up like that then MIL would think I was irresponsible to let my mum have her again, so it's the same thing.

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Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 05/11/2013 20:50

Poor DP is fuming, a rational response would be worry and trying to find out what happened not refusing to acknowledge a problem and having a go at us.

It's like I said though if it was my mum who brought her back done up like that then MIL would think I was irresponsible to let my mum have her again, so it's the same thing.

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Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 05/11/2013 20:50

Poor DP is fuming, a rational response would be worry and trying to find out what happened not refusing to acknowledge a problem and having a go at us.

It's like I said though if it was my mum who brought her back done up like that then MIL would think I was irresponsible to let my mum have her again, so it's the same thing.

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Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 05/11/2013 20:51

Sorry phone has a hissy fit.

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eatriskier · 05/11/2013 20:58

You and your DP are doing fantastically in how you're dealing with this. Totally agree that you don't want to be leaving DD there in case of more 'mysteries'. Can completely understand why your DP is fuming at that too. Its not hard to say 'sorry I hadn't realised it was wrong' even if you don't mean it.

Pinupgirl · 05/11/2013 21:01

I wouldn't have left my baby with anyone that young but you clearly felt it was ok. Don't rely on mil for any childcare whatsoever and you will never have to worry about your dd's safety again.

mojojomo · 05/11/2013 21:14

DP getting in touch asking them to apologise, then you travelling to their house seems to show well-established habits of you and DP running around looking for forgiveness and accepting any scraps they throw your way. They haven't shown any signs of remorse, self-insight, or empathy (with how you'd be feeling that your young baby was effectively missing). Yet you and DP don't seem to see this. They've got you both well-trained. You'll get good advice and support on the relationships board if you want to make changes.

You are not overreacting.
They know what they are doing.
They lie to your face.
They probably won't change.
You can change how you behave around them (or cut contact).

look after yourselves.

Retroformica · 05/11/2013 22:32

They will soon come to their senses when they truly realise DD wont be sleeping over again.

Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 10/11/2013 11:12

Update: MIL has managed to convince DPs family that she is right and we are keeping DD away from her.
So now poor DP is getting abuse from everyone in his family and not one of them will listen to what he has to say.

Apparently we are keeping DD away even though we have offered to bring her over and welcomed them here to see her, they won't come over as DP needs permission from me and don't feel welcome Hmm

I have tried to be welcoming although being insulted in my own house about the fact I don't iron DPs clothes and insults about my animals don't exactly make me feel hospitable.

On the plus side my dad has offered us his house 2 hours away as he needs to relocate for work so looks like we will be moving away from it all, bet we will be the epitome of evil then taking their GD so far away - well they always said we should move as our town is a shithole Grin

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Hissy · 10/11/2013 11:41

If your DP gets grief, all he has to say is that MIL refused to give your DD back when agreed and put her at considerable risk by not bothering to secure her carseat.

If they won't listen to him, then he doesn't have to discuss it with them.

I agree, you need to move. I'm glad your DP can see her for what she is. Sod the rest of the family. He's standing up for his DD and for you. A good man that!

PerpendicularVince · 10/11/2013 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 10/11/2013 11:43

Hope the move goes OKGrin

How does your husband get so much abuse though?

Does he have to see these people regularly?

If not, ignore and hang up if they phone!

Are they jealous that you are starting to stand up to her?.!,

longtallsally2 · 10/11/2013 11:47

As she has probably brought up DPs family, and had a strong influence over them, it's probably not surprising that listening skills aren't their strong point! Echoing what Hissy said, if they listen for long enough for you to explain.

You sound as if you have been very calm and rational about all of this. Glad that you and dp are of one opinion on this.

Best of luck in the new house.

Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 10/11/2013 12:03

Its all through phone calls so he can hang up but I know he is hurting because his family are being so nasty.

The problem is MIL is convinced the car seat was absolutely fine and honestly believes we are banning her having DD unsupervised to be nasty.
If she had acknowledged the problem and see things from our point of view then none of this would have happened.

I'm so angry, apparently MILS husband is on the war path because we made MIL cry... wonder if I cried if people would believe me instead Hmm

Mentally I really don't need this, the animosity surrounding us is unbelievable a while ago MIL informed me that if anyone got between her and her grandchild she would do anything in her power to see DD, so now just waiting for social services to come knocking because we apparently put DD at risk by owning dogs or a solicitors letter demanding access.

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FrightNightcirCurse · 10/11/2013 14:26

Actually I think choosing to take her to hospital and not letting you know and also doing so when she knew you had visitors are worse.
Shows exactly were she thinks she is in the pecking order.

The car seat was an error. She should have admitted she was wrong but it's not a mistake she's likely to make again.

Being hours late returning your tiny baby is.
Oh and taking her to a germ filled hospital when she could have dropped her on the way is such a bizarre decision to make.

RandomMess · 10/11/2013 17:39

You MIL is unhinged.

Be glad you are moving away, a nice fresh start Wink

Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 10/11/2013 20:55

Cannot wait, the sooner the better.

Definitely unhinged why can't I have one of these nice normal MILs everyone talks about.

It's been decided though that we aren't going to say anything until we have actually moved, probably send a postcard as given how MIL has acted so far we are worried if she finds out she'd go to crazy lengths to stop us.

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