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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop MIL having DD? extremely long

131 replies

Insanityismymiddlename · 31/10/2013 12:05

MIL thread I'm afraid.

I am so fucked off with my MIL but will start at beginning so not to drip feed.

My MIL and I never saw eye to eye until I was around 6mths pregnant when all of a sudden things changed and she started being nice to me, eventually became to trust her and made an effort.

DD is 8 weeks old, I went back to work 4 weeks ago as didn't qualify for maternity, childcare sorted with DP.
MIL asked to have her that one night I worked and I said ok and we will drop her off on the way, but no MIL wanted to pick her up earlier to spend time with her, ok so agreed that she would pick up DD 5pm and I can't do earlier due to other DCs and our family life.

After the first week MIL started calling asking to pick her up earlier and I said NO to which she still turned up let it go but then started to be a weekly thing that she wants DD earlier.

MIL couldn't have her the night as planned this week as DD had her jabs and I took the night off, as DD was better I offered MIL to have her for a bit yesterday which then by MIL was turned into a sleepover, meaning me and DP could have a night to ourselves which was lovely, MIL said she will need to drop her off by 9.30 am as she had a routine hospital trip with her DM, no problem we will be back and my sister will be here anyway as she wants to see DD.

Come home this morning after getting up at the crack of dawn so we will be home in time, 9.30 comes and goes so ring MIL to find out how late she was running.
MIL decided to take DD to the hospital with her, has not asked us or even told us and I am fuming, I agreed MIL could have her but told her my sister was here to see DD and she took her anyway.

I haven't seen DD in over 24hrs and I want my baby back, I trusted MIL enough to look after her for a little while but now she is taking the piss, I am furious.

MIL only has DD because she wants her, not because I need her help, she always offers and is not asked.

Surely taking DD away from her parents for a lot longer than what was agreed without a word is a good enough reason to put my foot down and say no you can't have her, AIBU?

As a side note MIL knew I didn't want DD going to the hospital as she isn't vaccinated and it is my decision, she was specifically told this as I had to find childcare for her when DS stuck a button up his nose and didn't want such a young vunerable baby stuck in a waiting room with possibly very sick people.

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 31/10/2013 16:02

That's awful so sorry I'd be furious as well.

At least it's good you weren't relying on her for childcare.

If anything it sounds as though you've been pressurised to let DD go and that wouldn't have helped your depression either :(

She needs to be apologising but I'd let your partner handle her and focus on yourself.

She's really crossed the line and sounds like a stressful person to argue with so I'd be firm and go with whatever contact you are comfortable with and no more. If she has a tantrum ignore it.

vtechjazz · 31/10/2013 16:05

I'm so glad your DP is being supportive, my stomach flipped when read about the 24 hours without seeing your baby, and the car seat denials are unforgivable. I'm sending you a hug, its hidden in this Cake as I know they are forbidden here.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 31/10/2013 16:06

OP - How many children do you and your DH have?

cls77 · 31/10/2013 16:12

You will be entitled to MA, I was self employed when I had DD, and was back at work 4 days after having her (which was really a shit idea!, but needs must!) and I didnt realise until it was too late that I could have received MA, by the time I did, it was too late to apply.Shock

Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 31/10/2013 16:36

I only found out I was pregnant when gone nearly 7mths and had only started new job days prior to this and previously was a sahm so not eligible unfortunately.

I have 4DCs but one DD4 with DP, other DCs are with their dad for half term.

OP posts:
Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 31/10/2013 16:53

Now I have calmed down I just think she has just shot herself in the foot, I could probably forgive this morning as a misunderstanding had she of admitted her mistake (the lateness).

BUT shouting at DP in front of DD and on the phone acusing us of lying about the times etc and the car seat is unforgivable, if it was a mistake maybe I could understand a little but calling us liars and being very nasty to DP and putting our DD at risk.

Just upset now as thought we were fine and now we are all back to square one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 01/11/2013 09:02

I keep dwelling on this and trying to make sense of it all, the way DD was strapped in was beyond ridiculous for someone who has had two children herself (and car seats were definitely around with her youngest), and besides they swing straps the same way so she definitely would have known it was wrong, we had a voice mail last night saying DPs dad strapped her in and she was fine and perfectly safe.

I do however think they would definitely know better and wonder if maybe they let DPs 14yr old sister strap DD in as she likes to try and help and I think maybe they are taking the blame to stop her getting in trouble, if this is the case (and to me seems to be the only realistic possibility) then I would be hitting the roof that they were stupid enough to put the safety of our daughter in the hands of a (very young and very immature) 14yr old.

OP posts:
MommyBird · 01/11/2013 09:23

Don't keep dwelling on it as you'll send yourself crazy. It's done. Your DD is fine (thank god!) You won't ever know what really happened, your PIL seem to not accept the blame in any way. she was 'safe' Hmm that's enough for them!

Don't let them have unsupervised visits, the trust is broken and they are convinced they did nothing wrong. you'll never get 'i'm sorry'

Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 01/11/2013 09:33

You're right Mommybird dwelling isn't going to help I just can't stop doing it though, I suffer from anxiety as well as PND so think that is a huge factor here, if they were willing to accept that it is their fault DP would consider letting them see her with supervision but they are adiment that they did nothing wrong and I must have set up the photo to cause trouble Hmm

Unfortunately they are the sort of people who will argue black is white regardless of facts and get very personal with their attacks so admitting fault and apologising will never happen.

I expect DP will get a phone call in a couple of weeks expecting everything to go back to normal and never mention this again sort of thing.

OP posts:
eatriskier · 01/11/2013 09:35

What mommy said. And to be honest it doesn't matter who strapped DD in, ultimately they've massively failed and have no intention of apologising. Try to stop dwelling on it, as hard as that is. Just keep in mind that these are not people you should be leaving your kids with until they take responsibility for their actions.

MammaTJ · 01/11/2013 09:36

When you were 6 months pregnant MIL started being nice to you, then you found out you were pregnant at 7 months. Not saying this to be mean, but she started being nice to you before knowing you were preg, or your PND/sleep deprived brain has muddled these facts a little?

eatriskier · 01/11/2013 09:37

Also, this is a step too far. And if in a few weeks they call DH and he expects situation normal to return, point out that endangering your DD is not a forgive and forget situation, especially without an apology and acknowledgment.

MommyBird · 01/11/2013 10:01

My PIL are the same.
With DD1 (she is almost 4 now) i had PND and Anxiety (still suffer with Anxiety now.)
We trusted MIL with her. We agreed no smoking around her and no dogs (at the time it was in the newspaper that a newborn baby boy had be killed by a dog (sad) ) This was fine..whilst we was there.

Cut a verrrrry long story short.
She had been smoking around DD1 when we wasnt there and had made her ill. She confronted her and she lied, turned it round onto us and played the victim. My DD1 had to go on medication and my PND/Anxiety went through the roof as i didnt know who to trust, haf to go on stronger meds etc. Then she had the nerve to text DH about how she had made herself ill as she thought we would'nt let her see DD1 again. Hmm no apology..didnt accept respnserbility. It was awful.

A lot more happened. Turns out she is Toxic, a narc. We now have DD1+ DD2. (almost 4 and 11 weeks)
We cut her off off 9 weeks ago.

My point is, it was all ruined the day she broke our trust, lied and played the victim. It was never going to be the same and it just got worse

Stand up to her now. If you don't it will get worse Sad

girlywhirly · 01/11/2013 10:04

I would let the dust settle, hopefully MIL won't contact you asking to have DD for a while so you won't need to put her off. When she does, you get DP to deal with her. FWIW, I wouldn't allow any unsupervised contact again. If you do get to that point where she tries to put things right, don't see her on your own, make sure DP is there as well for support, because I am concerned that she will try to manipulate you again. I 'm glad that DP is with you on this issue and not siding with his mum.

MommyBird · 01/11/2013 10:05

Sorry about the mistakes! feeding DD2

Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 01/11/2013 10:27

MammaTJ yes there was a mistype there sorry I was so upset when typing I didn't check, I was nearly 5 mths pregnant when I found out only started a new jobs days before there for didn't qualify for maternity.
MIL started being nice to me about a month after finding out I was pregnant.

Can't see how I would get to 7mths pregnant without knowing the kicks were mental by that point lol.

OP posts:
fairy1303 · 01/11/2013 10:38

OP, I have PND. I don't think it is a problem AT ALL to let your baby stay overnight with grandparents, it gives a welcome break, they get to bond, everyones a winner. WHEN those grandparents can be trusted. Put your foot down, be clear. this will not happen again.

I feel for you.

And that is from one person suffering with PND and crazy in-laws to another.

And for those posters jumping on a mother who is going through this, for making the choice to agree to an overnight to have a break, shame on you.

girlywhirly · 01/11/2013 11:22

Also, if MIL was covering for DP's sister's mistake, making sure they are all supervised directly will prevent any future safety risks.

I don't blame you at all for agreeing to the overnight break, you thought you could trust MIL, but she let you down big time. Now she will have to deal with the consequences of her actions.

Bunraku · 01/11/2013 12:07

You poor dear :(

Sounds like something my stupid mil would do.

Get your baby back and refuse to hand her over again. She sounds like a liability.

Bunraku · 01/11/2013 12:08

Oh god. I mean MIL sounds like a liability not your DD! Blush

Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 01/11/2013 14:15

Bunraku I did guess as much can't really seen 8 week old DD being a liability Grin

Update poor DP who hates animosity has text MIL offering her to come round and speak like a rational adult and give her a chance to apologise and him to also apologise for swearing at her.

He has said if she comes and accepts fault and apologise then he won't keep DD away from them but it will be supervised, however if they want to be childish and not want to discuss or be unwilling to accept fault and apologise then we have both said that all contact will be cut off.

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 01/11/2013 14:31

That sounds perfectly reasonable. Good on DP for not letting his mum get away with this. For the sake of her pride she risks missing DD's first Christmas and any further contact.

eatriskier · 01/11/2013 15:12

Your DP sounds like he has a good handle on this. Its always nice to hear of good ones.

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 01/11/2013 15:19

Cuddle your baby and kiss her sweet head; you are a great mum and you are doing the right thing trying your best to look after your family and yourself.

Brew and Flowers

And well done your bloke too :)

plainjanine · 01/11/2013 15:33

Insanityismymiddlename have you read the toxic parents thread? I think your MIL might be one - early giveaways being her behaviour change during your pregnancy, the minimising of your rightful concerns and outright denials in the face of known facts.

She may have done you a favour by showing her true colours this early.

Dysfunctional Families thread here