Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop MIL having DD? extremely long

131 replies

Insanityismymiddlename · 31/10/2013 12:05

MIL thread I'm afraid.

I am so fucked off with my MIL but will start at beginning so not to drip feed.

My MIL and I never saw eye to eye until I was around 6mths pregnant when all of a sudden things changed and she started being nice to me, eventually became to trust her and made an effort.

DD is 8 weeks old, I went back to work 4 weeks ago as didn't qualify for maternity, childcare sorted with DP.
MIL asked to have her that one night I worked and I said ok and we will drop her off on the way, but no MIL wanted to pick her up earlier to spend time with her, ok so agreed that she would pick up DD 5pm and I can't do earlier due to other DCs and our family life.

After the first week MIL started calling asking to pick her up earlier and I said NO to which she still turned up let it go but then started to be a weekly thing that she wants DD earlier.

MIL couldn't have her the night as planned this week as DD had her jabs and I took the night off, as DD was better I offered MIL to have her for a bit yesterday which then by MIL was turned into a sleepover, meaning me and DP could have a night to ourselves which was lovely, MIL said she will need to drop her off by 9.30 am as she had a routine hospital trip with her DM, no problem we will be back and my sister will be here anyway as she wants to see DD.

Come home this morning after getting up at the crack of dawn so we will be home in time, 9.30 comes and goes so ring MIL to find out how late she was running.
MIL decided to take DD to the hospital with her, has not asked us or even told us and I am fuming, I agreed MIL could have her but told her my sister was here to see DD and she took her anyway.

I haven't seen DD in over 24hrs and I want my baby back, I trusted MIL enough to look after her for a little while but now she is taking the piss, I am furious.

MIL only has DD because she wants her, not because I need her help, she always offers and is not asked.

Surely taking DD away from her parents for a lot longer than what was agreed without a word is a good enough reason to put my foot down and say no you can't have her, AIBU?

As a side note MIL knew I didn't want DD going to the hospital as she isn't vaccinated and it is my decision, she was specifically told this as I had to find childcare for her when DS stuck a button up his nose and didn't want such a young vunerable baby stuck in a waiting room with possibly very sick people.

OP posts:
Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 31/10/2013 14:07

DP is with me 100% I think he is if possible even more angry as it was him getting shouted at by MIL and her lying to him.

He is furious about the car seat and is not likely to talk to her for a very long while, if it was a mistake we'd be angry but could understand but to outright deny it and get defensive is unforgivable

OP posts:
mumofweeboys · 31/10/2013 14:09

I think I would let your dp handle all communications with mil from here on in. You and your dp need to sit down together and decide what would be for the best.

mumaa · 31/10/2013 14:10

You have done nothing wrong - your MIL is 100% wrong on SOOO many levels.

At least DD is home safe with you and DP, think that will be the last time your MIL gets to be with DD unsupervised!

So sorry, just an awful situation, glad your DD is OK

littlegem12 · 31/10/2013 14:12

She is taking the piss YANBU
I felt angry at her reading your post.
Sounds like she is using your PND to her advantage it's not supportive to take someone 8 week old baby away for 24 hours.

LucilleBluth · 31/10/2013 14:14

I'm very sceptical about nearly all MIL threads but in this instance I would be fuming and she would know it, how dare she. She has shot herself in the foot here by taking the piss.

girliefriend · 31/10/2013 14:15

Sounds grim tbh Sad

In a way she has done you a favour but leaving you no alternative but to say no to her from now on.

Are you in the U.K? Am a little Shock at anyone going back to work when baby is 4 weeks old. And am also Hmm at there being no massive red flag alert going off at your mil even asking to have such a young baby.

Hope you are o.kay though and feeling calmer now.

Dubjackeen · 31/10/2013 14:15

Poor you, what a rotten thing to do. I would end MIL having unsupervised contact, from here on.

eatriskier · 31/10/2013 14:17

insanity don't beat yourself up for letting her take the baby overnight. Yes, the break may have done you some good and just because others wouldn't do it doesn't mean it couldn't have been the right move for you. If your MIL hadn't pulled this crap you may have felt a lot more rested, happy and able to cope. The problem is that she has pulled this crap. But hindsight is a wonderful thing. Now you know. And the only thing you should judge yourself on is how you now deal with it. The car seat thing is unforgivable.

My MIL drove off without DD strapped in properly once. In her day there weren't carseats and she thinks that health and safety has gone too far in general but you should have seen her when she realised. The thought that she may have put her GD at risk had her shaking. She also needed never to admit it to us as we didn't know but she felt so bad. She's never made that mistake again with DD or with DS. That to me is a normal reaction.

shrunkenhead · 31/10/2013 14:35

The break only does you good if you can relax knowing your 8 week old baby is safe, and will be returned safely as agreed. Clearly this mil hasn't got a clue. Why is it mils are such night mares?! The only people I would trust with my DD are my own mother or DH...in that order!

Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 31/10/2013 14:35

Yes in the UK unfortunately hadn't had the job for the 26 week period I needed to qualify for maternity.
Have to go back to work as cant afford not too, work from home mostly but have to go in one day a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 31/10/2013 14:37

I'm sad because MIL was the only grandparent DD has and is the only person other than DP I thought I could trust.

OP posts:
thebody · 31/10/2013 14:47

ok she has massively massively overstepped the boundaries and her behaviour is totally unacceptable.

now think is she doing this on purpose to upset you or is she very tactless/ silly and excited over her granddaughter??

if it's the first then it's easy to solve, absolutely no unsupervised access at all.

if it's the second then sit her down and make her understand that if it occurs again then it's no unsupervised access as she can't be trusted.

both of you talk to her and then base further access on her reaction.

eatriskier · 31/10/2013 14:49

Did you look into maternity allowance at all? If you'd been working for 26 weeks in the last 18m (I think) you can apply for that. I'm sure you probably did.

thebody · 31/10/2013 14:52

shrunken head,, sorry your comment 'why are mils such nightmares'!!!!???

my mil was fantastic. generalisations are daft.

shrunkenhead · 31/10/2013 14:56

Sorry to hear your situation, insanity, having to go back to work so soon must be awful and not helping your PND.

shrunkenhead · 31/10/2013 14:59

Sorry, the body, unhelpful generalisation. Was just taking from personal experience and many mumsnet comments. Sure some are lovely and we'll ask be one one day!

shrunkenhead · 31/10/2013 15:00

We'll all not we'll ask!

clam · 31/10/2013 15:10

"Why is it mils are such night mares?!"
Seriously?! My mil was an absolute poppet and I was more than happy for her to look after both my dcs whenever she was able. They adored her.
I hope none of you mil dissenters have got sons. This may be you one day, refused access to your son's children because his wife will only let her mum anywhere near. Angry

NotYoMomma · 31/10/2013 15:28

insanity we can all only do what we think is right. me and dd are like best mates and so close butsheslept at her grannys at 6 weeks so I could go out with dh to see the hunger games and feel somewhat normal again it really helped my anxiety

you dont have to justify yourself to internet strangers with no idea. I dont think remaining in contact with mil will do your anxiety any good tbh, she is already playing games

believe me she will use your pnd against you in future to try get dh back on her side and sheis gaslighting you already by telling you that you never had the 9.30 convo

cls77 · 31/10/2013 15:29

I dont think us anti MIL's ladies are against all MIL's, just ours!! If youve had an experience like the OPs, or some of us that are negative about it then believe me, it stays with you!!
But I agree, some are lovely (my DM for example is a lovely MIL!!) Halloween Wink

thebody · 31/10/2013 15:32

shrunken yes good point. ha ha Grin

thebody · 31/10/2013 15:35

yes guess it is lucky to have a fabbi mil and the tales on here of some are dreadful.

my dils will love me. that is if I can persuade/bribe/beg any sensible girls to marry my daft sons!! Grin

bluestar2 · 31/10/2013 15:44

Insanity - a problem with such young baby staying at Grandparents only exists if you feel it does. So ignore those saying other wise. You do need a break you have pnd and have returned to work so quickly , obvs not through choice, that you really haven't had time to recover properly. It yourself some slack and don't worry abt pleasing others.

The car seat is unbelievable. She should have apologising and asked to be shown how to do it properly. Unless this happens I would be stopping unsupervised contact for foreseeable. It's great your dh is supportive and dealing with her. People can be so strange. I guess she is probably of the generation who argue these things never existed in their day and it never did them any harm. My sil asked why did I need to sterilise baby's bottles, their mum used empty milk bottles and teats and of course they survived! Hmm may I introduce you to 21st century dsil.

Fishandjam · 31/10/2013 15:48

insanity, I was wondering about Maternity Allowance too. I was self-employed when I had DS, so didn't get SMP, but I did qualify for MA - and the amount of MA is the same as basic rate SMP.

You can check your entitlement to MA here.

hermioneweasley · 31/10/2013 15:54

Sorry to hear about the situation. Fortunately your daughter is fine and nothing happened, so please don't torture yourself with "what ifs".

You can now decide what access, if any, your MIL will have.