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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop MIL having DD? extremely long

131 replies

Insanityismymiddlename · 31/10/2013 12:05

MIL thread I'm afraid.

I am so fucked off with my MIL but will start at beginning so not to drip feed.

My MIL and I never saw eye to eye until I was around 6mths pregnant when all of a sudden things changed and she started being nice to me, eventually became to trust her and made an effort.

DD is 8 weeks old, I went back to work 4 weeks ago as didn't qualify for maternity, childcare sorted with DP.
MIL asked to have her that one night I worked and I said ok and we will drop her off on the way, but no MIL wanted to pick her up earlier to spend time with her, ok so agreed that she would pick up DD 5pm and I can't do earlier due to other DCs and our family life.

After the first week MIL started calling asking to pick her up earlier and I said NO to which she still turned up let it go but then started to be a weekly thing that she wants DD earlier.

MIL couldn't have her the night as planned this week as DD had her jabs and I took the night off, as DD was better I offered MIL to have her for a bit yesterday which then by MIL was turned into a sleepover, meaning me and DP could have a night to ourselves which was lovely, MIL said she will need to drop her off by 9.30 am as she had a routine hospital trip with her DM, no problem we will be back and my sister will be here anyway as she wants to see DD.

Come home this morning after getting up at the crack of dawn so we will be home in time, 9.30 comes and goes so ring MIL to find out how late she was running.
MIL decided to take DD to the hospital with her, has not asked us or even told us and I am fuming, I agreed MIL could have her but told her my sister was here to see DD and she took her anyway.

I haven't seen DD in over 24hrs and I want my baby back, I trusted MIL enough to look after her for a little while but now she is taking the piss, I am furious.

MIL only has DD because she wants her, not because I need her help, she always offers and is not asked.

Surely taking DD away from her parents for a lot longer than what was agreed without a word is a good enough reason to put my foot down and say no you can't have her, AIBU?

As a side note MIL knew I didn't want DD going to the hospital as she isn't vaccinated and it is my decision, she was specifically told this as I had to find childcare for her when DS stuck a button up his nose and didn't want such a young vunerable baby stuck in a waiting room with possibly very sick people.

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 31/10/2013 12:51

I am not giving the OP any grief and OP, I am sorry if it came across that way. My post was intended to express surprise that the MIL would be so keen to do it, and so often, not to criticise the OP for allowing it.

intitgrand · 31/10/2013 12:53

In her OP she said that the MIL's babysitting was purely for the MILs enjoyment and not to help her (the OP) out.
I think you need to calm down op and consider your MIL was running late and couldn't drop child off and get to the hospital with her mother in time.If you knew she had this early appointment and (presumably) her mother to collect too., why didn't you pick up your DD from her.

JohnnyBarthes · 31/10/2013 12:54

OP I know you're not leaving your baby overnight for fun, but I would honestly have bloody loved to have had a night off. Would have done me the world of good, and I didn't suffer from PND.

You were absolutely not wrong to do this.

MommyBird · 31/10/2013 12:54

OP my mom had my DD1 when she was 2 weeks old as i had PND. I remember thinking..'i get some sleep i'll be fine' sadly it didnt work.

However my mom was fully aware of how i was feeling and she went along with everything i said/wanted.

You're poorly. You don't need this stress, you need support. Anxiety will creep up on you if you continue to let your MIL have your DD.
Good luck

APartridgeAmongThePigeons · 31/10/2013 12:55

MIL hold not be left alone with dd again.

I agree she is probably too young to be away form you or dh overnight ...if you are both struggling i would suggest letting someone stay over night to help. If someone genuinely wants to help I am sure they wouldn't mind. Is your Dh able to qualify for paternity leave?

Thumbfuckerwitch · 31/10/2013 12:55

intitgrand - I say again, stop giving the OP more grief. She has PND.

killpeppa · 31/10/2013 13:00

Inititgrand- how is she too young?
stop being antagonistic

adiia · 31/10/2013 13:03

Agree with intitgrand,she's too young to be left if there's no need.I would stop overnight and have a big talk with MIL.and I wouldn't worry about having a argument in front of a 8 weeks old,she's not going to understand!

Pinkglow · 31/10/2013 13:10

This happened to me, my MIL the first few times she had my DS kept bringing him back a few hours later than planned. She didn't have him overnight but this was just if she was looking after him for a morning etc

We had a word with her (well DH did), told her that we cannot tolerate this and she never did it since, problem solved no arguements involved. Don't think my MIL was being 'odd' though, just think she was being abit thoughtless.

Littleredsquirrel · 31/10/2013 13:14

I agree. MIL can visit as often as she likes (within reason) but she doesn't have your DD alone again until you're comfortable with it. You don't need to be confrontational about it. Just when she asks say "no thank you but do feel free to pop over and see her."

myBOYSareBONKERS · 31/10/2013 13:15

Do you have other DC that are her biological grandchildren? If so why isn't she having them to stay overnight too?

Sounds like she wants to play being "Mummy" again.

fluffyraggies · 31/10/2013 13:16

I agree that 8 weeks is too young to be doing 'sleep overs' at grans. Which is what this is if it's not for the benefit of the parents. A sleep over. OP doesn't need MIL to have the baby, her DP is happy to have her at home that night.

Foot down OP. Of course if you and DP want a night off, or need childcare for the night because of work then that's fair enough. But please don't let yourself get put in this upset again just because she fancies looking after your baby :( Your feelings (and baby's) are the most important right now.

I do hope DD is back with you now. Or very soon Flowers

phantomnamechanger · 31/10/2013 13:17

she is BVVVVVU!!!

you will have to lay the law down loud and clear re: what is/is not acceptable, or you have a life time of this ahead and any time you try to rein things in, YOU will be painted as the one who is BU and she will act all hurt and offended

eatriskier · 31/10/2013 13:20

YANBU. You've given her multiple chances. No more unsupervised visits until she is willing to respect your wishes. End of.

Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 31/10/2013 13:47

Sitting here in tears and shaking, you wouldn't believe what has happened but I even have photographic proof.

MIL bought DD back started shouting the odds so I brought DD indoors, look at her in the car seat and the straps that go down her chest are clipped in at her waist like a belt if that makes sense.
she was not strapped in properly at all and I am panicking with Anxiety.

I don't know how long she had been strapped in like that and if she has been like it all day.

I always strap her in when MIL takes her and DO does it when he picks her up but now I am lett wondering how many times have they taken her out like that, theu know how it goes as been shown numerous times.

DP ashamedly to admit did ring MIL shouting asking what the fuck and didn't she know how fucking dangerous that is.

MIL is defiant that it was strapped up fine and DD was perfectly safe.

I despair, I am done if DP ever decides to speak to his mum again and wants contact between DD and her then he will have to take her and not allow them to be left alone

OP posts:
cls77 · 31/10/2013 13:50

My ExMIL was like this (although not when a baby, or overnights, but control wise) she used to have DD for an hour to take to the farm shop or something, so I would get what I could done in the time I thought I had, 4-5hrs later im frantic with worry as she hadnt returned or answered any messages, turned PND into major anxiety disorder which to this day I still blame her somewhat for. All I got in reply when she did turn back up was "I thought youd appreciate the break" um yes if youd have communicated that, I could have planned to do a hell of a lot more with my time that too or at least had the choice to say no! They are a law unto themselves this type of MIL !!! At least your DP is supportive and equally cross, maybe then you can joing forces together to tell her straight how it is (and isnt!) good luck OP, youre doing a grand job x

diddl · 31/10/2013 13:51

"My MIL and I never saw eye to eye until I was around 6mths pregnant"

Unfortunately, a possible warning sign there of future manipulation.

Could I also say, where is babies father in all of this?

Why isn't he dealing with his mum so that OP didn't get so ground down that she agreed to what MIL wanted?

cls77 · 31/10/2013 13:52

Bl00dy hell Op - Sorry xpost. That is unbelievable, hope youre ok, and that you and DP are supporting each other and trying to come down from all of this. I would be livid.

MrTumblesKnickers · 31/10/2013 13:57

"MIL is defiant that it was strapped up fine and DD was perfectly safe."

Nail in coffin. If she was prepared to admit she'd made a mistake, fine. But if you can't trust her to take even the most basic safety measures that'd be it for me as far as unsupervised contact is concerned.

MommyBird · 31/10/2013 14:00

So sorry OP Sad
she sounds awful and the fact she's lying about it makes it 100x worse.

I think you have done the right thing regarding unsupervised visits. Make sure your DH is backing you.

I suffered with PND and Anxiety with my 1st and my MIL did not help!
Just remember its done with now, there is nothing you can do about the past. Learn from it and move on :)
You have your baby back and nothing like it will happe. again l.

Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 31/10/2013 14:01

I would have happily picked her up but MIL insisted yesterday she would drop her off at 9.30am, yes she may have been running late (not the case anyway) but she shouldn't have had her then anyway.

MIL did ring DP back before dropping her off when she kicked off and she was at home so had already been to and from hospital our house is on route.

OP posts:
MommyBird · 31/10/2013 14:01

Sorry. *happen again. feeding DD2!

phantomnamechanger · 31/10/2013 14:02

the car seat thing is unforgiveable! The only forgiveable response would have been for her to be mortified at having forgotten how to secure DD and as shocked and sick about it as you must be feeling.

This is a massive red flag about her suitability as carer - this is all about HER, wanting to have this cute little accessory to show off to her friends and shop keepers etc etc.

you BOTH have to stand up to her or believe me it will only get worse. She sounds like the kind of MIL who takes DC to get their hair cut without parental consent and gets the kids to take sides and keep things from their mum as in "it's OK, you can sit in the front in grandmas car but don't tell mummy , it will be our little secret"

Original poster
Insanityismymiddlename · 31/10/2013 14:04

I didn't want her to go overnight but at the same time she is DDs grandparent and thought she would be fine, I wish I had said no now but cant change the past, I was sleep deprived and now taking new meds which have knocked me for six to try and help PND and thought that one good nights sleep would help.

OP posts:
alexpolistigers · 31/10/2013 14:06

My PILs once took my two elder dc out in their old banger car. There are no seatbelts in the back, never mind carseats.

They have never been unsupervised with my children ever again. They think I am overreacting, but I don't care what they think. You need to make that clear to your MIL and stick to it. No unsupervised contact, as safety is clearly not a priority for her.

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