To think being mistaken for a lesbian is nothing to be offended about

[NancyShrew]

Two of my mutual friends (a and b) were out shopping for baby clothes for a's impending baby (she is 32 weeks! ). In one of the stores one of the shop assistants assumed that a and b (both married) were a couple and mentioned it to them in conversation. She was swiftly corrected but a brought this up over coffee with a couple of other friends last week and seems pretty offended that anyone could think she's a lesbian. I really don't see the problem?

Also another mutual friend c commented that "b does look like a lesbian" in response up this! What does a lesbian even look like?!

b does look like a lesbian

Did you ask her what she meant?

YANBU, I know a few people who are totally not homophobic and totally down with it all, until someone thinks they're gay. Then they're offended

I asked her what she meant and she blushed and mumbled something about short hair, then swiftly changed the subject.

I was once, but i was in G.A.Y. so i couldn't really complain!

I was chatting with my friend (who is a lesbian) and a guy came over and said 'are you both gay?' and we said no, and he looked at me and said 'well you obviously are'.... of course my mate fell about laughing

I blamed the short hair

She was probably referring to 'butch'. If your friend isn't like that then I can see why she would be offended

I have super short hair since last Friday [absolutely love it!]

I wonder if anyone will presume I'm a lesbian if they look at me?

The shop assistant sounds odd. Why would you assume two women shopping together are sleeping together? Were they snogging in the nappy aisle?

I don't know what a lesbian looks like other than female.

it was rather an odd assumption, wasn't it Tumbles...?

Lots of people still think all lesbians have cropped hair and wear bovver boots and Fred Perry polo shirts. Some do, but lots just wear clothes from.....Topshop! Zara! Who'd a thunk?

And I suppose 'lesbian' is still used by knuckle draggers as a pejorative term, you never hear a kid in the playground say 'ewwww that's so straight'.

So yes it is a bit homophobic to be offended to be mistaken for a lesbian. Hand on heart though I remember being really embarassed when I asked a man about his male partner, he told me he was married to a woman and they had three kids. I wouldn't feel one bit uncomfortable if I mistakenly assumed a gay person was straight so why did this feel like such a cringey moment?

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest - hardly a major insult!

Ooo, I know this The lesbians I know are; short and tall, and medium; pretty and not so much; wear make up and don't; wear boots, flats and high heels; have dark and blonde hair; are black and white. Oh, I've just realised that the lesbians I know are pretty much like the women I know... all different.

I was propositioned in Heaven once and I apologised, "sorry, I'm straight". The lovely woman told me never to apologise for who I am, she never would. Stayed with me, that did.

Wouldn't consider it an insult as such but would probably prefer it if an assumption wasn't made that I'm a lesbian. Because I'm not. Dunno really. Don't think it's a huge issue

I kind of think it's a sign of progress that people are just as likely to jump to the conclusion that the two women were a couple? It's more accepted generally now so why wouldn't the two women be partners having a baby together iyswim?

Not loving 'looks like a lesbian' remarks though.

I would find it offensive for a stranger to make any comment about my sexual orientation (accurate or otherwise) in that type of situation, there are ways to confirm the relationship of two people where necessary without making assumptions.

Not offensive but a pretty dumb thing for anyone to assume ever about anyone.

I have never been able to tell someone's sexual orientation just by looking at them. Who can?

Maybe I have some sort of inverse snobbery around this, because I'm flattered if someone thinks I'm gay. Probably because all the lesbians I know are really cool and intelligent. I referred to 'my partner' when pregnant to a MW and doctor and they straight away assumed I meant a woman and were so relaxed about it I was impressed. If I had been gay I'd have felt really comfortable with them. As it was I did a whole, "No, my partner's a man but we're not married, but I think boyfriend sounds silly at my age, not that there's anything wrong with it blah blah blah."

It's a mis-voiced assumption,that's all.

I have a lot of gay friends so people assume I'm gay quite a lot and it's never really bothered me.

It did get slightly irritating when my parents were CONVINCED I was gay for about 2 years and kept trying to catch me out (my Mum used to start conversations with "you know we will love you know matter what")

It stopped when I finally got a boyfriend (who is now DP) but Mum still says "But it is unusual to not date until you're 25, and you being so pretty as well." Haha, thanks Mum!

No I wouldn't find it offensive at all. But folk are strange.

Me and my best mate once, while in college, not only got mistaken for being lesbians, but he got mistaken for being female...

He had chin-length hair and a bit of a baby face. He's never lived it down.

I wouldn't be offended at all. In fact, I was shocked a couple of years ago when I was telling a friend about ds (age 5) who had been asking about how 'two ladies who loved each other could have a baby if they wanted' had wanted to go and ask two women who were sat with their baby at soft play where they had got their seed from, and friend got all 'oh god, when we take the kids out together do people think we're a couple'.

I lost a lot of respect for her because she then told me I shouldn't have told ds, that she didn't want him to tell her dd, and that their dd didn't need to know about homosexuality anyway as 'they didn't know anyone like that'.