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Original poster

To think being mistaken for a lesbian is nothing to be offended about

106 replies

NancyShrew · 30/10/2013 15:10

Two of my mutual friends (a and b) were out shopping for baby clothes for a's impending baby (she is 32 weeks! Grin). In one of the stores one of the shop assistants assumed that a and b (both married) were a couple and mentioned it to them in conversation. She was swiftly corrected but a brought this up over coffee with a couple of other friends last week and seems pretty offended that anyone could think she's a lesbian. I really don't see the problem?

Also another mutual friend c commented that "b does look like a lesbian" in response up this! What does a lesbian even look like?!

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 31/10/2013 10:19

Urgh...this is like trying to guess if someone prefers savoury or sweet just by looking at them.

^ This.

How on earth could you guess? Although two women shopping together is an everyday thing among friends, so I wouldn't ever have taken the massive leap to the shop assistants conclusion!

squoosh · 31/10/2013 10:47

I would say that you can tell some people's sexuality by looking at them.

garlicvampire · 31/10/2013 15:11

Gaydar, innit. Little or nothing to do with clothes & hairstyles.

Lilacroses · 31/10/2013 15:15

I'm not sure it's any more a massive leap of an assumption any more than any other assumption! There are alot of gay people about, ok not as many as there are straight people but when people say this it makes me feel as if I am some sort of rare freak! Being gay is not outlandish, it is actually quite common. I'm not offended when people think I'm straight but it is lovely when they rightly assume that my DP and I are lesbians rather than us having to spell it out.

themaltesefalcon · 31/10/2013 15:19

I've only been asked out by a lesbian once.

I was over the moon, for similar reasons to KatieScarlett.

My gay colleague just told me that I look "obviously married." I don't think it's a compliment, somehow!

KatieScarlett2833 · 31/10/2013 16:31

I've been thinking somewhat obsessively about my last post.
I was surprised to realise that despite being decidedly hetero I value the affirmation of my attractiveness more coming from a woman than a man. That seemed to be odd to me.
I've come to the conclusion that women's opinion matters more to me than men's. Because to me, women are just, better and I have more respect for them Confused
Which is a bit of a headfuck really. I have a husband and a son so that is not terribly healthy, I know. But it is how I feel. I think I need to discuss this with a counsellor because intellectually I know this is stupid, people are people, etc. But it is what I feel in my heart. Hmm

ITCouldBeWorse · 31/10/2013 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UsedToBeNDP · 31/10/2013 17:15

Ah, it's often assumed that my best mate and I (both straight and married) are together when we go out on our "lady dates" (we go out for dinner every couple of months). I suppose it's because there are just 2 of us and we go to naice places where it does tend to be couples, or at least m/f pairs.

UsedToBeNDP · 31/10/2013 17:22

Lady date is phrase we coined as joke after the Hmm looks we got when we went for a meal in a particularly old skool place in a vair English parochial town

HalloweenDidi · 31/10/2013 17:25

I loved it when my colleague assumed I was a lesbian when I first started work. She was flirting quite hard and when I told her I was straight she said "Tell me that again in about 10 years because I think you might just be in denial" I thought that was hilarious, especially since she's gorgeous and it was very flattering. I'm still straight 10 years later but I lost touch so I can't tell her again.

Littleen · 31/10/2013 17:50

I'm often chatted up by lesbian girls, don't see the issue with being mistaken for one :P If I was mistaken for a bloke however, I'd be very offended!

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 31/10/2013 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

likelytoasksillyquestions · 31/10/2013 18:13

Ha. You know what else people say?

"Oh! But you're too pretty to be a lesbian!"

And they think it's a compliment. No, they really do. Hmm

I don't mind people being surprised - I know I don't "look like" a lesbian. (Or a vegetarian. But I am both, honest.) But "you don't look like a lesbian", in the same tone as "you don't look like a serial killer" - lovely.

JollyScaryGiant · 31/10/2013 20:25

Gay women often think I'm gay. I'm not. It doesn't offend or upset me. Nobody thinks I'm a vegetarian though.

On the subject of what a lesbian looks like... Having been around the gay scene a fair bit, there's sometimes a kind of feeling that gay women seem more comfortable in their own skin than straight women. Obviously there are plenty of exceptions.

I have shoulder length hair but it used to be longer. I don't wear make up, I do wear baggy jeans and slim tshirts even on nights out.

DoBatsEatCats · 31/10/2013 20:38

People often assume I'm a lesbian. And a vegetarian. As it happens, I'm neither. It's never occurred to me to be offended, but I think there's certainly some stereotyping going on - I'm a feminist with short hair, trouser suits (never skirts) and no makeup. Quite why that adds up to being a vegetarian I've never fathomed.

float62 · 31/10/2013 21:07

In my far more exciting past, blokes would often 'accuse' me of being a lesbian because I had the cheek to be independent and no desire to succumb to their 'charms'. If it ever happens now I just think great - not lost that old magic then float. I used to turn it to my advantage, when maybe bedless after a wild night out I'd straight-facedly 'admit' that indeed I was a member of the great 'sisterhood' and would get a grope-free night in some bloke's bed. My absolute crowning moment though was when I convinced some random that well, er actually I used to be a bloke....another comfortable, quiet night was had.

Pilgit · 31/10/2013 21:07

Me and my best friend are often mistaken for lesbians. Doesn't bother us. Once when I was pregnant with dd1 we were looking at the prams in mothercare anf being an engineer she was really into it. We twigged we were being being referred to as partners. No problem to us so nothing said until my dh comes bounding in anf puts his arms around both of us. The poor shop assistant didn't know where to put herself. We have referred to him frequently since then as the sperm donor. Especially as her ds calls my dh daddy (his actual daddy isn't around and we all spend a lot of time together)

Catsize · 31/10/2013 22:50

I really really WISH someone would think my partner and I are gay. High five to the shop assistant!
We have a toddler and I am expecting again. Vast majority assume my partner is my mother (she loves that - there is a 13yr age gap). Shop assistants etc. only address me re:kids' stuff, not my partner.
Nice to hear of someone thinking outside the box for a change. It is going to get more difficult now, as we will have to start correcting people (sometimes we just let remarks go for an easy life or to save the other person's blushes or fearing an adverse reaction), but toddler will begin to wonder why.

cocoleBOO · 31/10/2013 23:02

The only people that think I'm a lesbian are lesbians.
I was chatted up by a woman when I was younger. When I told her I was straight she actually argued with me that I wasn't Hmm. She concluded with "you think you're not gay but you are. You're in denial". Bizarre.

mrswishywashy · 31/10/2013 23:09

I'm a lesbian but I don't stick to any of the labels and I know most people whether straight or gay wouldn't be able to identity my sexual preference. My wife is quite butch and I think is more likely to be identified as gay. I wouldn't be insulted if someone thought I was straight so don't know why its insulting the other way as long as people treat me fair then I'm fine.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 31/10/2013 23:11

Would not bother me at all.

edam · 31/10/2013 23:13

love 'he's moved to Brighton'.

I had a single female straight friend who did actually move to Brighton, and then moaned that she found it hard to meet the right guy... well, hellooooo, you are rather limiting your chances!

flatiron · 31/10/2013 23:21

Naoko I do have a friend who gets really exasperated because people always assume she's a vegetarian and she isn't. No idea what it is about her, she looks very normal.

Whereas vegetarians usually have two heads! Grin

Naoko · 01/11/2013 00:28

That did rather come out wrong didn't it :o I meant that I've no idea what it is about her that makes people think she's a vegetarian. Not that vegetarians aren't or don't look normal...

manicinsomniac · 01/11/2013 00:53

Who are all these people that assume so many people are lesbians? Why on earth would you and why would it come up?? (except the eg of being in a nice restaurant with just one other woman) When I see most people (alone or in pairs or threes or whatever) I would have absolutely no idea as to their sexuality nor would it occur to me to try and guess. I suppose there are some people who conform to the traditional stereotypes so I would proabably make an internal assumption. Not that many do though do they?

This is a very strange thread (not to start, as it did happen to the OP, I'm just amazed it also seems to happen regularly to so many others!)

Even more bizarre that people assume people to be vegetarians!