Over ILs taking us away

[notonnelly]

Okay, we tend not to go away with DD (1) as she doesn't sleep that well when we are away and is generally just much happier at home.

It was in the in laws wedding anniversary and they wanted to go away for a weekend to celebrate with the family. That is MIL's mum, DH, me and DD, their other son. It was to be in a hotel which we weren't mad keen on as DD won't go to sleep if we are in the room (meaning WTF do we do when she goes down for the night?). ILs know how she is. ILs are retired, but very young and active retired. Think golf/tennis everyday.

But fine, they wanted this weekend in this hotel, so we went along. They very kindly were paying. They said they really wanted this weekend to spend lots of time with DD. They live 5 mins along the road.

SO, on the Friday night they book dinner at 7pm in a pretty formal place in the hotel, expecting DD to join. We managed, but had to get her away early as she was so knackered. Then once she was tucked up in bed I had to sit on the hotel corridor reading a book whilst they all had drinks in the bar. We told them we would be down for breakfast with DD about 7.30 - 8.30. They said, oh well, we set our alarm for 8.30, we will see you later on in the day.

Saturday, they arrange sporting stuff to go an do and not stuff DD can come along for.

Then Saturday night they arrange a formal private dinner at 8pm. DD cannot come and is not the sort of baby that would sleep in the room in a buggy. So, I am pretty much pressurised into doing that phone monitor thing and I hated it, hated it. And then again, I have to sit in the corridor once dinner is over and they have drinks.

I thought it would have been nice to have a more relaxed early dinner that DD could have joined in on!

Same scenario at breakfast the next day.

So, it just leaves me wondering, why the fuck did they ask us, why did they want this 'family' weekend. I am not expecting people to bend over backwards to accomodate our somewhat rigid DD, but bloody nora, they hardly saw her and I spent alot of time camped out in a cold hotel corridor. Why bother?

AIBU, I think I may be a little as it was a nice thought to pay for us to go away with them, but it was a pretty hellish weekend all in all!

Thewalkingdead - and where the hell did I say that if t didn't work they were doing something wrong?

You're talking shit and making stuff up for no reason at all, just so you can talk down to me because you have more children.

You clearly can't read otherwise you would have seen me clearly say several times now that 'some children are just bad sleepers / it's not the case for all children - even if you do everything right / I will no doubt be on here with future dc crying that they won't sleep' etc.

Stop trying to pick an argument and ignoring all of the other things I have said. You clearly need more sleep.

I'm with you, Orange, I just don't do hotels anymore.

Unless the children are elsewhere.

I'm with you too. Hideous hideous hideous.

Forget ds - I hate sleeping in hotels!

I've seen too many of those programs where they show uv lights on the mattress etc!

The pillows are always awful and they're always so noisy - even though I can usually sleep through anything. It just feels weird sleeping in a strange room.

The only place I don't mind is center parcs, but that's a lodge not a hotel.

I stayed in a hotel room last year. DP snores like a wildebeest DS ran around in circles until 12.30. Then got up at 5.

God it was hideous.

Oh god Harold.

I laughed bcoz of the way you worded it but that must have been awful!

We end up staying in hotels around 5-6 times a year because of weddings and charity events etc we go to but unless I've had a few wines I struggle to sleep in them.

My top tips for extended family holidays with toddlers:

Take a supply of cereal bars so when you get up at 5-6 am you can all have a pre-breakfast before going for a big walk / to the pool / whatever

So that by the time the others are emerging for breakfast you are all ready to join them for a slap-up cooked brunch

Then nap

Dinner time, make sure DCs have been fed about 5pm
If their moods are good, join rest of family for starters, before one parent says goodbye and takes DCS up and gets them to bath / story / sleep

parent 2 eats main course then relieves parent 1 so that they can go and have desert ( I always chose to be parent 1 because starter & desert are my favourite parts of the meal)

By now Dc are asleep so Parent 2 can read with a Little book light
Or can take some cushions into the bathroom & read, or have a lovely deep bubble bath
If the rest of the family are having a late one, Parent 1 can later take over & parent 2 can go down to the bar for a few more drinks, while parent 1 gets some sleep before another early start and pre -breakfast next day

If you are lucky enough to have 2 parents still together, you should make the most of it so you both have a moderately good time, rather than one of you having a shit one

bugalou you sound delightfull.
Well done for trying to divert from your original ridiculous post.
And you show huge compassion telling someone who has talked about their child only just sleeping through by saying "you need more sleep" I'd go steady there if I were you, we tend to be more supportive and less nasty on here.
If you don't like people disagreeing with you maybe you'd be more suited to another forum or get used to it.

I think the more unreasonable part isn't the sleeping arrangements, it's that they didn't do anything family friendly on the Saturday day. That was a real shame, given all the difficulties in staying there.

I also have (not so) happy memories of reading in the bathroom in the middle of the night in Travelodge, with everyone fast asleep in the other room. I can't sleep in hotels at all, and always ended up wide awake reading in the wee small hours. Hell surely must be all sleeping in the same room when you are not used to it.

Sounds like a nightmare to me too.

We did a similar family stay in a hotel for my dad's 60th (pre MM being taken) when we only had DS1 (he was 10mths at the time). Left him in the bedroom, went to the restaurant for a grown up dinner & monitored him over the phone system. He was fine, but I wouldn't do it now.

None of my 3 have slept well in buggies or in hotel rooms when there are adults watching tv or reading so it is self catering all the time now. The only way I would consider a hotel for a weekend away with the kids and with formal evening dinners would be to organise a babysitter to sit in an adjoining room.

Thank you - thewalkingdead, I am infact delightful.

Well done yourself on trying to distract from the fact you're clearly trying to make out that I have said something I clearly haven't.

Have a great day.

At the risk of more forensic analysis, I'm still completely puzzled by the corridor.

The child is one year old and a very light sleeper. OP has said they can't be in her room when she's asleep.
Isn't she in her own room at home or is OP happy her and partner's room can't be used for anything after 7pm except quietly creeping to bed in the dark having put pjs on first in another room? If the latter that really sounds like making a rod for your back.

If she's in her own room at home why couldn't she and parents have separate rooms next to each other?

"If she's in her own room at home why couldn't she and parents have separate rooms next to each other?"

You would put a toddler in a separate hotel room?

Really?

My 1 year old sleeps in her own room, but if we were at a hotel (god forbid) she'd be in our room.

^Ds was always put down for naps during the day in a room that wasn't dark, always with the radio on in a nearby room and I was never quiet. Always hoovering or tidying etc. At night, the room is dark with no white noise and so when it came to feeding him at night he could differentiate between day and night feeds and knew to go back to sleep. We also had a bed routine - bottle, bath, hugs and sleep.

Following this pattern and a few other things ds slept through from 6 weeks old. He is a great sleeper, always sleeps through (expect the odd nightmare). As a baby he would sleep anywhere and everywhere and we have been away loads of times to hotels and he sleeps there with no problem.

So just as much as the mums of bad sleepers might want to be snappy with the mums who's children sleep well - I just want to make the point that although you might think 'I just got lucky'. I resent this and i truly believe it is down to the steps taken to help ds fall into a proper sleep pattern and routine.

I do acknowledge this wouldn't work for every child but wonder how many mums of bad sleepers have actually taken the right steps. ^

we did all this. DS (2yo) is and always has been a shit sleeper. He has never slept in his pushchair while out and about - too much interesting stuff to look at. We have tried it all, and to be honest the only thing that makes life bearable is to stick to his routine and pray like fuck he sleeps for a few hours before the night terrors start.

When SIL got married (DS was 8mo), all the family said "he'll be fine - will fall asleep in his pushchair and you can get on with enjoying the wedding." DS had other ideas. He wouldn't feed properly (bf), because there was too much going on around him and halfwit family members kept coming over to coo at him while he was trying to latch on. He missed his nap and got so irritable I was glad I had arranged to take him home at 6 for bath and bed and babysitting provided by my friend.

4 months later at our wedding, MIL said she would take him home for us and put him to bed at normal time, knowing how difficult he is. On the day I missed an hour of my own wedding, because she insisted that he would be fine for another hour after his bedtime - he wasn't, he was weeping hysterically and I was left outside trying to console a massively overtired 1 yo.

We fully accept that DS is a shit sleeper, we wish others would, and stop telling us we have done something wrong and created this problem. It's never them that have to deal with a distraught overtired DS that will actually vomit if he gets too distressed, all for the sake of "being flexible". Invitations for anything that interfere with his sleep are declined, or he is left with a babysitter. Anyone who doesnt like this is more than welcome to come round and deal with him while I get a decent sleep for once.

Hi ipswichwitch

I really wasn't saying that it's all down to what you do. I did say that you can do all these things and they still won't work. Some children are just bad sleepers.

I was just trying to say also as a mum of a child that sleeps well that I think it isn't all down to luck. I don't believe ds would have slept through the night on his own etc if we'd have done it differently. There's all sorts of issues that arise during their early years from them crying in the night to giving in when they try and get into bed with you etc to mess up sleep and it depends how they are handled.

I'm sorry you've had such a bad time of it. I said before I completely agree about the hotel and routine issues. When invited to weddings and events that would interrupt the routine ds would stay at home with DM or we wouldn't go. I used to hate it when a certain group of my friends (all with no dc's) used to invite me round their houses for dinner as a group. If DH was away I would say I couldn't and they would say 'bring ds'. They would proceed to get funny and not understand why I wouldn't let him come to dinner at 8 until god knows when

See, I had the opposite situation. My lovely boy at 1 year old would have happily joined in the meal, smiling, clapping, bfing, gurgling and not tired in the least until at least 9.30 - 10.00pm, or later if possible - but then I would have found it very difficult to eat or relax myself and had people rolling their eyes and saying 'shouldn't he be in bed'?!

You can't win, unless people have some basic empathy and understanding that:

a) all babies are different
b) it is tricky to change babies ways at the drop of a hat.

Hope that you have a better time the next time this comes up.

PS. I would have sat outside too, don't feel bad for that.

Joinyour, in adjoining/connecting rooms? What is wrong with that?

Why couldn't OP have stayed in a connected room with the door ajar? How is that worse than being outside the room in the corridor?

I just cannot believe all these people saying they would have sat in a corridor reading a book. That is the epitome of letting your child rule you. If they knew this was going to be an issue and it looks like it always was regardless of what time you ate, why did they not get interconnecting rooms at the very least. So you can sit in your room with wine and then your child is just through an open doorway in your room to their room.

She can't be that much of a light sleeper if you are then able to open the door, possibly turn on a light, get changed for bed, go to the loo etc etc. Did the parents do this in total silence!??! Like ninjas?

Your ils are playing "happy family", so that they can then tell all their tennis buddies that wonderful grandparents they are and how they have paid to give you time away from the rut. No fucking clue what having a 1yo is like.

Been there, done that.

And "adjoining/connecting rooms" does not help if one person still needs to be away from the celebrations.

I wasn't having a go at you bubalou - I'm even more sleep deprived than usual as DS is ill, so I'm a bit ranty today! i agree, it sucks when people get all funny if you refuse and invitation that totally fouls up the routine. They dont have to deal with the fall out!

MIL is very fond of telling us all how all her DC slept well. DH remembers it differently - from as young as he remembers he would be lying awake in the dark, too scared to move as MIL had told him to not dare get out of bed until she got up or there would be hell on! So it would seem she advocates terrifying your kids into good behaviour...not a path I wish to go down with DS.

OP, I do think it's a bit shit to insist you bring your DD for a weekend away when there is absolutely nothing planned to include her - and I'm not suggesting that the whole weekend should have revolved around her.

Lol at a mother of 5 not being able to say she might know a tad more than a mother of 1.

It's just a bigger sample for research purposes - it's inevitable.

I would see it this way. It was a bit shit and not well thought out by the in-laws. However, you made the effort for their Wedding Anniversary and I'm sure that was appreciated and, in particular, I am sure your DH is grateful for all the effort you put in to make it work.

Your in-laws have probably got into a bit of a routine with how they do things and they've forgotten what its like to have a young child.

OP I'm with you. we are pretty laissez- faire when it comes to routines for our dd's but we don't compromise on bedtime. It's the one thing that we won't compromise on because if we do, it's dh and I who are sleep deprived monsters the next day. MIL is always really keen to go out and its always "will I book for 7?" MIL doesn't like that we are pretty strict with our bedtime routine....but she's always surprised that they go down quickly....she had no routing with my dh and he still doesn't sleep for more that 4 hours at a stretch

Eating out with a 1 year old has to be one of the least relaxing experiences! We don't really like eating out with the dd's at the moment (3.10 she's fine....well now that she isn't 1 she is) and 7.5month old. 7.5 month old gets restless after about 20 mins and then its one of us having food with the 3.1y.o. and the other outside with the baby who wants to scream! This will pass and family means out will happen but when they're a bit older.