Over ILs taking us away

[notonnelly]

Okay, we tend not to go away with DD (1) as she doesn't sleep that well when we are away and is generally just much happier at home.

It was in the in laws wedding anniversary and they wanted to go away for a weekend to celebrate with the family. That is MIL's mum, DH, me and DD, their other son. It was to be in a hotel which we weren't mad keen on as DD won't go to sleep if we are in the room (meaning WTF do we do when she goes down for the night?). ILs know how she is. ILs are retired, but very young and active retired. Think golf/tennis everyday.

But fine, they wanted this weekend in this hotel, so we went along. They very kindly were paying. They said they really wanted this weekend to spend lots of time with DD. They live 5 mins along the road.

SO, on the Friday night they book dinner at 7pm in a pretty formal place in the hotel, expecting DD to join. We managed, but had to get her away early as she was so knackered. Then once she was tucked up in bed I had to sit on the hotel corridor reading a book whilst they all had drinks in the bar. We told them we would be down for breakfast with DD about 7.30 - 8.30. They said, oh well, we set our alarm for 8.30, we will see you later on in the day.

Saturday, they arrange sporting stuff to go an do and not stuff DD can come along for.

Then Saturday night they arrange a formal private dinner at 8pm. DD cannot come and is not the sort of baby that would sleep in the room in a buggy. So, I am pretty much pressurised into doing that phone monitor thing and I hated it, hated it. And then again, I have to sit in the corridor once dinner is over and they have drinks.

I thought it would have been nice to have a more relaxed early dinner that DD could have joined in on!

Same scenario at breakfast the next day.

So, it just leaves me wondering, why the fuck did they ask us, why did they want this 'family' weekend. I am not expecting people to bend over backwards to accomodate our somewhat rigid DD, but bloody nora, they hardly saw her and I spent alot of time camped out in a cold hotel corridor. Why bother?

AIBU, I think I may be a little as it was a nice thought to pay for us to go away with them, but it was a pretty hellish weekend all in all!

Sounds like they wanted her there for the photo opps and didnt give much thought to the rest of the weekend. Next time, say no!

I don't understand the sitting in the corridor. You say she won't sleep with you in the same room as her, so where was your room in relation to hers?

If it was next to hers why couldn't you be in it since presumably that's where you'd be sleeping anyway eventually?

Or if your room wasn't next to hers, where were you supposed to be sleeping?

Caitlin presumably if mummy and daddy are asleep she settles but if anyone is up and awake then she wants to be too.

Sorry I'm confused, OP, says in a later post her daughter wakes when they go in to her room at night.

So what do they do at home? Do they share a bedroom at home? How, if coming into the room wakens her?

My heartfelt sympathies, OP. I had a baby like your DD. If it's any consolation, it usually gradually gets better as they get older. She won't be 1 forever.

Sounds like a very frustrating weekend. I guess just chalk it up to experience and thank God you didn't have to pay for your half. People in their sixties often don't remember what having small children is really like. My in-laws don't remember either. It gets frustrating.

Actually, yes, all babies are 'flexible': not all customers in hotel restaurants are flexible, however. Or hotel staff. Family members. Etc. I doubt anyone would have enjoyed their meal if OP had tried to be more 'flexible'. Imagine the AIBU on here: 'AIBU to take my 1 year old with us to ILs special dinner and make her stay up and get cranky so we can all have family time together?' OP would be flamed for being selfish. Ditto if she went the other extreme and left the baby upstairs asleep.

Interrupting your baby's routine is certainly an option. It just depends on how comfortable you are with upsetting your child and everyone around you in the process.

Sounds like a grim pointless experience to me.

DS 1 is a flexible baby/ toddler, but some of our worst nights have been in hotels because he needs to be alone and in the dark to settle. Given a choice we self cater so he has the space he needs- hotels only work for us when there's enough goinng on to keep him up to go to bed at and acceptable time for us. Thinking back to him being 18m, a weekend like that would have been hell as he'd have wanted food within minutes of being in the highchair, and wanted to thoroughly explore the restaurant. I can see it would be pretty intolerable for a very specific and routined baby.

If you're going to insist on inviting young children, you need to make some allowence to their needs or there's no point in having them there. YANBU

This reminds me of a holiday we had when younger son was just 2. We were in a hotel in a lovely holiday town on the south coast. Younger son woke up at 4.30 on the dot every day, wide awake, ready to start the day (he was a poor sleeper and early riser generally but 4.30 was OTT even for him). This was pre morning TV. Unhappy memories of me walking him through the streets of lovely holiday town as the dawn broke and commuters stared. That was 25 years ago - now I would just come home, no idea why I didn't then. It was awful.

Sounds like hell. My DS nearly 2 is the same very light sleeper would wake up if he heard a whisper or you turned over inm bed. So we would only go away for a holiday if he could have a neighbouring but secure room. Otherwise it would be hell. SIL and BIL have a DD the same age who sleeps like the dead they don't understand our inflexibility. We never crept around DS (the opposite ) but that's just how he is. SIL has repeatedly suggested evening meals for family celebrations and just letting her DD stay up til 10 or sleeping in a buggy. We would just rather do something daytime if its an option as its much easier.

I suppose if the arrangements were known beforehand, it would have been better for husband to go alone.

Especially as ILs live nearby & have plenty of ops to see their GC.

So lesson learned, I guess-find out plans & say no if unworkable!

It's taken me many years to learn that my parents needs and my childrens needs don't match. I remember we went on holiday with my parents when DS was 18 months and it was awful. My Dad couldn't understand why his needs didn't come above DSs. Why he needed a sleep at lunchtime etc.

And whoever said up thread that the older generation forget the practicalities of caring for small children is bang on.

It sounds like a horrid weekend op. I would be storing the experience and ensuring I made plans to avoid similar in future.

Sorry but I agree with the poster who said you were a martyr. You made it very difficult for yourself when it didn't have to be. You could have for a baby sitter outside room / operated a 30 min rota with husband / used a baby monitor - there were lots of options. I have been away with my parents and ils with small babies and you make it work if you want to.

I think the point being, you didn't want to, so instead you sulked, and are still sulking now. It was 2 nights away. Really?!!

What I don't get is was she in her own room or travel cot in your room? Because if she wakes up if you're in the room then what happened when you and DP came in and went to bed?

I remember DH and me sitting on an en suite floor waiting for Dds to go to sleep in a hotel more than once so you are not being unreasonable. dS does not sleep so we have never had that problem with him . IMO parents who cannot do anything with their kids is definitely a bit about them and a bit about the kids but I cannot say I blame them. You often see people say here if I take little X out of his routine all hell breaks loose. I think that is the same for virtually all 1 year olds but some people are willing to cope with that others not so much. We were willing to deal with the hassle after nights away/events because personally I want to be part of the family stuff going on because we enjoy it. We never regretted it but we did have nights like the ones you describe in our day.

They really should have booked a cottage, so much more child friendly and then you could have enjoyed more time together. It sounds like they have forgotten what like to have young children!

I find my main difficulty is the older generations inflexibility. They are the ones who don't want to fit around our routine, which would be fair enough if they didn't get all sulky when we decline invites. They don't understand why it's difficult and get offended that we don't want to spend the time with them (but are quite happy to turn down a trip to butlins/soft play/anywhere less than 4*). It should work both ways.

I'm just assertive now and decline with minimum of excuses not really, haven't had the balls yet but I'm working on it

Why all this pinch-eyed forensic questioning about the room? It's obvious to me. The baby will only drop off in the sure and certain knowledge that he is alone, without any potential entertainment in the room. Once he is asleep you might get away with sliding into bed in the same dark, silent room. Don't even think about reading a book or having a glass of water. Unless you want to be doing This Little Piggy between 12 and 4 am.

Oh my god worriedkat, the older generations inflexibility...are you serious!!? A baby is 99 times out if 100 the sole focus of attention and planning, the in laws asked for one weekend, a couple of dinners, they didn't ask for the ritual sacrifice of the PFB. Maybe, god forbid they actually liked OP and they wanted to spend time with her.

I can't believe most of the posts on here. I have 2 baby boys, for whom 99% of my life CURRENTLY resolves around. I would hope that in 35 years time, my boys would want to celebrate mine and DH's anniversary as it will mean we have been married for 40 years and overcame all trials and tribulations and are still happy together. I would really hope they are not married to selfish sulky DIL who can't adapt her life for 2, ONLY 2, nights, when instead she should be thinking how great these people are to raise a son into such a nice person I wanted to marry and procreate with him!!

It wasn't a big ask, you are unreasonable OP.

This thread has annoyed me, am signing off now.

I think the ILs sound like they loved the idea of 'everyone being together having a wonderful time', but with the luxury of having nothing to do with the practicalities of achieving this. They got to carry on as normal while you juggled your DD.

OP we live and learn. If this is your first DC then you probably wanted to please everyone and have a go at the weekend. I'll bet you wont make the same mistake again!

I had 3DCs who were brilliant sleepers. All of them started sleeping through at 6 weeks old and i thanked all the God's and all my lucky stars for it. Luck or judgement - who knows? ...

... but i do know i that for the first couple of years of each of their childhoods i protected their good sleep routines like a tiger no matter what anyone thought of me (ILs thought i was a bit mad for wanting a proper bed time routine) because my own 8 hours kip is so precious to me.

Yes it meant a few years of not being able to socialise the same way we did when we were childless for a while, but it didn't kill us. We had to do self catering holidays or breaks in places where we could pop the kids to bed at a reasonable time in a next door room and entertain ourselves till our bed time, then be prepared to be up in the morning with them. As they get older you can stretch the routine more until they're old enough to stay up as late as you like.

(seriously before you know it they'll be teens and staying out later than you! )

Don't bother changing your routine to please others OP. They're only this little for a short time.

fluffyraggies first sentence is spot on.

I can't believe what a hard time you are getting op. hindsight is a great thing. Some babies/toddlers are not flexible, just the way they are. What part if thAt, do some posters not get?

How is op being a martyr? I know I'd rather sit and read a book than go for a drink with pil.

Put it down to experience op. not to be repeated.

Beautiful SHE WENT YOU KNOW.

Oh Fgs. The pil were being selfish. Lovley , it's their anniversary. Celebrate it as a couple or be accomadating. 8pm dinners for a 1 year old, yeah ok.

Hi op.

Not criticising at all - just questioning.

The fact that 'some children are just like this' is only half the truth in any case. Some people that have children that sleep well will only have them because they have taken certain steps to make it this way. Also in retrospect - some that do everything right can of course still end up with a light sleeper but this is usually due to - medical conditions, teething or being sleep dependant.

When ds was a baby I did a lot of research into children and sleeping (plus we have a paediatrician in the family who offered advice).

Ds was always put down for naps during the day in a room that wasn't dark, always with the radio on in a nearby room and I was never quiet. Always hoovering or tidying etc. At night, the room is dark with no white noise and so when it came to feeding him at night he could differentiate between day and night feeds and knew to go back to sleep. We also had a bed routine - bottle, bath, hugs and sleep.

Following this pattern and a few other things ds slept through from 6 weeks old. He is a great sleeper, always sleeps through (expect the odd nightmare). As a baby he would sleep anywhere and everywhere and we have been away loads of times to hotels and he sleeps there with no problem.

So just as much as the mums of bad sleepers might want to be snappy with the mums who's children sleep well - I just want to make the point that although you might think 'I just got lucky'. I resent this and i truly believe it is down to the steps taken to help ds fall into a proper sleep pattern and routine.

I do acknowledge this wouldn't work for every child but wonder how many mums of bad sleepers have actually taken the right steps. I had a friend who always moaned about her ds's sleep - she held him and rocked him until he fell asleep, every night!!!! Until he was 3, fucking crazy.

I