Over ILs taking us away

[notonnelly]

Okay, we tend not to go away with DD (1) as she doesn't sleep that well when we are away and is generally just much happier at home.

It was in the in laws wedding anniversary and they wanted to go away for a weekend to celebrate with the family. That is MIL's mum, DH, me and DD, their other son. It was to be in a hotel which we weren't mad keen on as DD won't go to sleep if we are in the room (meaning WTF do we do when she goes down for the night?). ILs know how she is. ILs are retired, but very young and active retired. Think golf/tennis everyday.

But fine, they wanted this weekend in this hotel, so we went along. They very kindly were paying. They said they really wanted this weekend to spend lots of time with DD. They live 5 mins along the road.

SO, on the Friday night they book dinner at 7pm in a pretty formal place in the hotel, expecting DD to join. We managed, but had to get her away early as she was so knackered. Then once she was tucked up in bed I had to sit on the hotel corridor reading a book whilst they all had drinks in the bar. We told them we would be down for breakfast with DD about 7.30 - 8.30. They said, oh well, we set our alarm for 8.30, we will see you later on in the day.

Saturday, they arrange sporting stuff to go an do and not stuff DD can come along for.

Then Saturday night they arrange a formal private dinner at 8pm. DD cannot come and is not the sort of baby that would sleep in the room in a buggy. So, I am pretty much pressurised into doing that phone monitor thing and I hated it, hated it. And then again, I have to sit in the corridor once dinner is over and they have drinks.

I thought it would have been nice to have a more relaxed early dinner that DD could have joined in on!

Same scenario at breakfast the next day.

So, it just leaves me wondering, why the fuck did they ask us, why did they want this 'family' weekend. I am not expecting people to bend over backwards to accomodate our somewhat rigid DD, but bloody nora, they hardly saw her and I spent alot of time camped out in a cold hotel corridor. Why bother?

AIBU, I think I may be a little as it was a nice thought to pay for us to go away with them, but it was a pretty hellish weekend all in all!

OP, it sounds like they liked the idea of DD being there, without giving any thought to the practicalities. I hope that, at least, someone brought you a glass of wine, or even a cuppa. Chalk it down, and if there is a next time, at least you can weigh up, whether it is going to be a case of sitting in a hotel corridor, and if so, it is a polite 'No thanks'.
YANBU.

If DS1 is tired his behaviour is appalling. He hits bites and eats nothing the next day, ruining it for everyone. People get cross at him when essentially it's my fault for keeping him up. It's not fair on him.

I'm really far from a routine stickler but there are often really valid reasons where keeping a child up for the sake of a dinner is just not an option.

OP, you are DNBU. Those who are saying "babies are flexible, make them stay up later" must have never had kids and are talking out of their arse. Either that or have had little angel babies who go to sleep and sleep straight through until morning, or are fortunate enough to have kids who will be mild mannered and pleasant regardless of whatever time they go to bed so can stay up for late formal dinners.
DS2 is flexible like that, but DS1, not a chance. If he had been kept up to go to a dinner at that time he would have been absolutely hell on earth to deal with for the entire next day, miserable, tantrummy, whiny which would have made EVERYBODY'S holiday miserable.
Your PIL'S, however well intentioned their lovely gesture of all being together, just didn't think through the practicalities of their grandchild's needs.
They want late dinners and activities the next day that 1 year old's can't do/will get bored at, your baby wants early tea and to throw herself about in soft play areas or sit on the beach eating sand or whatever.
Two totally different needs, so neither of you are really being unreasonable. You just need different things. Say thanks but no thanks next time, as hotel rooms and small babies do NOT mix.

Ha ha don't some people spout a lot of bollox!!
I love it when a mum of ONE. Thinks they know it all about babies in general!!
I had five and pretty much did the same with all if them. Some slept well, some didn't.
As they got older you could see this was reflected in them sleeping well as adults.
My worst sleeper still sleeps lightly and badly at times.
My 2 yr old has only just started to sleep regularly right through and I've tried every trick in the book.
With her I'd be definitely say in the corridor or bathroom. The only difference is that I'd have had wine!

Have been through similar and think it is partly so they can say to friends that everyone was there though logistically it is tricky and you felt excluded. Not sure why you had to sit in a corridor though , presumably you could have used the baby phone then too , or snuck back in when dd was asleep. Did dh bother to come and find you Maybe they thought he wouldn't go without you and dd beign invited.

I am a very nasty person because I am really enjoying reading this thread. I have always felt inadequate at things other people on mn seem to airily suggest, like stay in hotels with babies, that I just would not enjoy, or even see how it is possible on an occasion that can even loosely be described as a holiday. I would be thinking things like "how do they have a glass of wine and a film in the evening? Do their babies all sleep through things like this? or can they all afford suites? Or do they all take nannies, which is so taken for granted among mn-ers that they don't even mention them?"

It is a nasty shameful bitter little piece of pleasure to realise that it is an exhausting faff for nearly everyone else as well.

we have been on "holidays" to sc cottages, and only stayed all in one room like that when at my parents', which is kind of hell on earth but at least no one is actually paying for the room and there are other rooms with well stocked fridges, TVs, radios, and toys and books.

YABU. Not because you stuck to your routine for your DD as much as you needed to, but because you seemed to think that your PILs idea of lots of time with their DGD would mean spending all day with her. I bet to them they did have a great anniversary weekend. They had their DCs with them and their DGD. They got to see their DGD as they pleased, when they pleased and got to do grown up things as they pleased too. Sounds like an ideal weekend for grandparents who don't enjoy spending lots fo time with babies.

That's much more the way things use to be. So it really isn't surprising they thought it was a reasonable plan for the weekend. Complete pain for you, no doubt and you would NBU to refuse to do the same again. But I kind of wonder why you expected it to be much different since you hint with your "they live 5 minutes away" that they aren't particularly hands on grandparents anyway.

I took it to mean that as they live 5 mins away they obviously see a lot of them which means there was no requirement to have DD there from that perspective.

I would have paid a babysitter to sit in the corridor. All hotels have babysitters they recommend.

I'm also not clear what activities you would expect them to choose which would have included dd. Could you not have taken them along for a while or to meet for coffee during the day ?

Thewalkingdeadkr - you have no right to say you know more then just because you have more children.

You might have more experience but who's to say that you know more or are a better parent then me for it - therefore you're basically saying anyone who has less kids than you is an idiot and u are superior.

All I was doing was trying to offer a different perspective from the other side and in no way did I say that the op was wrong in any form.

In typical man style there's always people that read what they want to on a post, latch on to it and spout shot because they have nothing better to do.

That was *mn style - not man style!

Sporting activities, she did say.

I'm willing to provide a toddler and pay the hotel bill if anyone wants to take him for the weekend!

Take him to a late dinner, perhaps a bit of tennis or golf.

Hahahahahaha brilliant harold

Oh, I got one really good, flexible, wave her in the direction of a flat surface, baby out of three.

It was BLISS.

Unfortunately she wasn't my first, so I didn't get to make that much use of her amazing skills, but I still had loads of lunches out with friends.

People who think that you should drag an unhappy, unsleeping, exhausted toddler around to force them to fit in with what suits adults who are not tired and want to drink and socialise are basically just arseholes.

Hideous. You have all my sympathy OP. I don't want to impose my timetable on others, it isn't fair, but nor is a 9pm dinner possible with DS in tow unless I want to deal with the over tired, incredible biting demon child the next day.

I can understand the impulse to try and keep others happy, but as I have come to realise the only one to suffer will be you and your child.

I tried in the past, I really did. I did a 9 PM Christmas dinner with a 6 week old who was refluxy, struggling to breast feed and not sleeping at all. I was post c section, almost hallucinating with lack of sleep, leaking from every possible outlet, tearful and stressed.

I was told the child not sleeping was my fault, and was sent to bed like a naughty toddler so everyone could play happy families with my baby and OH. Everyone else had a lovely time. I ended up crying in the dark on my own feeling like nothing more than the incubator. This has caused me no end of serious resentment and has sharpened my focus somewhat.

If it doesn't suit you and your child don't do it. Others may be upset but they will just have to get over it. It is really hard to get past the impulse to be the "good girl" and put yourself out for other people's benefit, it is conditioned into females from an early age but you have to, for your own sake.

You put yourself out to make things nice and "picture perfect" for others; they had a lovely time while you got to sit in a corridor on your own.
Chalk it up to experience, and don't fall into the trap again.

There is totally a middle way between "all about children" and "all about adults" on holiday. Why should OP have a miserable weekend?

She could have left DD at home and had a lovely time, like the 5 other adults there.

I only have sons. When I have a DIL will do my best to be a little more considerate.

I remember feeling very smug about DS's napping. My friends were all amazed when I said I was taking DS up for a nap and was down 5 mins later and he was sleeping. I thought it was because I'd done all the "right" things.

Then came DD and I followed all the same steps. Boy did I get a shock, she would not play ball AT ALL. She never napped well and dropped her naps really early whereas DS would nap for hours until he was 3 and still go down easily to sleep at night.

I did nothing different, they were just different children.

OP YANBU, staying with babies in hotel room is really not fun.

bubalou sorry did I call you an idiot?
You sounded like one when you tried to say that because your ONE child slept well because you'd followed a formula and anyone who's child didn't was doing something wrong.
Having had five I am in a better position to compare that theory and can testify its not about what you do it's about the child and many other factors.

trixy - at least you got them the right way around :o

I am still a bit jealous of my friends who would pop their first babies into prams and head out for dinner 5 years later!

We couldn't even go out for lunch together, one of us would eat while the other wheeled the screaming baby around.

A flexible sleeper when you already have a toddler who needs their bed is not as much fun.

Dinner at 8pm for me would require a babysitter, I wouldn't expect my 1 year old to stay up or sleep in a buggy past bedtime, it's not fair. I would have eaten earlier, showed up at 8 with baby to show our face and then take baby to bed, I wouldn't have sat in the corridor? Why did you do that? I would put baby to sleep in room then chilled out, had a bath, glass of wine, read for a bit and early night.

The people hosting didn't think of you in the timings so I wouldn't take any flack about not going for dinner. Other than the corridor bit yanbu

Think YAB a bit U but I do remember how sleep matters just take over your life so in that sense I sympathise. But - it's just one weekend, it was important to the ILs and they were paying. It was nice that they included you all. You can imagine the AIBU threads where children are not invited. But I think you and DH should have taken turns in babysitting.

Oh shut the fuck up with all the self righteousness. This is one of the terrible things about MN, some posters pick up on shitty non-details and argue them to the death because, well, "my baby was fine". Agree with whoever said before me that people are getting their causes and effects muddled.

OP, it sounds like hell

God why a hotel? Mine are nearly 2 and 4 and I would still kick up a fuss about a cocking hotel with children. Holiday homes/flats are the way to do it!