Over ILs taking us away

[notonnelly]

Okay, we tend not to go away with DD (1) as she doesn't sleep that well when we are away and is generally just much happier at home.

It was in the in laws wedding anniversary and they wanted to go away for a weekend to celebrate with the family. That is MIL's mum, DH, me and DD, their other son. It was to be in a hotel which we weren't mad keen on as DD won't go to sleep if we are in the room (meaning WTF do we do when she goes down for the night?). ILs know how she is. ILs are retired, but very young and active retired. Think golf/tennis everyday.

But fine, they wanted this weekend in this hotel, so we went along. They very kindly were paying. They said they really wanted this weekend to spend lots of time with DD. They live 5 mins along the road.

SO, on the Friday night they book dinner at 7pm in a pretty formal place in the hotel, expecting DD to join. We managed, but had to get her away early as she was so knackered. Then once she was tucked up in bed I had to sit on the hotel corridor reading a book whilst they all had drinks in the bar. We told them we would be down for breakfast with DD about 7.30 - 8.30. They said, oh well, we set our alarm for 8.30, we will see you later on in the day.

Saturday, they arrange sporting stuff to go an do and not stuff DD can come along for.

Then Saturday night they arrange a formal private dinner at 8pm. DD cannot come and is not the sort of baby that would sleep in the room in a buggy. So, I am pretty much pressurised into doing that phone monitor thing and I hated it, hated it. And then again, I have to sit in the corridor once dinner is over and they have drinks.

I thought it would have been nice to have a more relaxed early dinner that DD could have joined in on!

Same scenario at breakfast the next day.

So, it just leaves me wondering, why the fuck did they ask us, why did they want this 'family' weekend. I am not expecting people to bend over backwards to accomodate our somewhat rigid DD, but bloody nora, they hardly saw her and I spent alot of time camped out in a cold hotel corridor. Why bother?

AIBU, I think I may be a little as it was a nice thought to pay for us to go away with them, but it was a pretty hellish weekend all in all!

yes, lesson learned, you'll get a lot of this! remember, just because DCs are welcome at an event is very different to it being child-friendly.

I had this at a friend's wedding - oh they were being terribly accomodating and inviting all DCs, (the last of a large group to get married so a lot of DCs) asking you to say if your DC would need a high chair or would be fine with a normal chair, this leading a few parents to mistakenly think this would be a small child friendly wedding. I had the good sence to call and check. Wedding at 4:30pm (so when most toddlers are getting hungry), drinks next to open water until 7pm, then a formal sit down meal until 9:30pm, then dancing. All in a venue that didn't have hotel rooms so no leaving your baby in the room with a sitter.

I left DS at home with PILs, although I was apparently silly to do that. After various dashes for the water during the drinks reception, I counted 3 mums dealing with tantrums during the meal, and saw another 2 rocking babies in buggies outside the venue. (It was always the mums doing this.) Most left straight after the meal.

From now on, ask questions, ask for timings, plans etc. Don't ask for them to be changed, just find out what they are and decline invites that don't suit or make plans to fit round it, like booking a suite of rooms so you at least can have the light on, or booking a babysitter (quite frankly, for the £11 an hour I was charge last time I had to book one at a hotel, if she'd had to sit in the dark or in the corridor for that, so be it.)

Never assume children welcome is children catered for.

Complete sympathy here and I understand completely.

my son was exactly the same at 1-2. He needed a cot in a dark room at 7 or it was hysterical screaming for hours.

I had the same situation with a hotel weekend for my FIL's 60th. I knew as soon as I was told about it that I would be sitting in a hotel corridor for hours! I tried to get them to consider a sc cottage (not any more expensive) but they fancied the hotel and said I could use the baby listening service. There is no way I could have done that (I worry about fire), fine if you can, but I can't.

Anyway, we did it, got through it but never again!

My daughter is much more flexible and relaxed (now 1) but even she wouldn't sleep in a buggy in a busy room with lights on etc.

Oh and btw - come yell agree about he late dinners - it's ridiculous to expect you to be able to take her to dinner this late and was selfish of them.

I used to hate it when IL's used to book meals for 8pm with ds. Even now he's 5, 8pm would be too late - he goes to be at 7:30pm.

Maybe just keep in mind for next time and insist you don't go. Offer for DH to go but bail out yourself and save the drama.

bubalou-my children are both fantastic sleepers-slept through since 12 weeks and at 4 (my son) this has never changed. It's just that the sleep has to be (at night) in a cot in a dark room.

I had no problem accomodating that since I wasn't bothered that he didn't want to sleep in a buggy(couldn't get on his tummy) in the light-I wouldn't fancy that either!

however it did/does mean that hotel trips are out for a few years unless one of us wants to be sitting in a hotel room from 7pm or in a corridor! Do yes OP, I do know what you mean!

Bubalou, I'm afraid your spiel about babies and sleeping is crap. Yeah you though.

Bubalou - I see what you are saying, but with both DCs, I started with just putting them down in the light and with noise, but DS only slept if it was dark and quiet. I tried the other way, but he didn't actually sleep. Now, that could be he was a winter baby, so it was dark in the evenings, it was quiet in our road, his room is in a position that you can't actually hear all that much noise from the living room or kitchen. Also he's fasinated with the hoover so won't sleep if he can hear it, he wanted to watch it. (And oddly has taken to 3 to stop being scared of the hairdryer, I don't know why, but he'd howl whenever he heard it, even if quietly in another room)

DD has been much more relaxed, but at 4 months, is starting to get difficult about noise and where she will sleep, even if I push the pram, she won't sleep in it unless I walk for over an hour. If she can hear stuff, she wants to see what it is. I tried really hard with her to get her used to noise and light, but it doesn't seem to have lasted, then again I'm a very light sleeper myself, it could well be that some people just aren't able to sleep without certain conditions, whereas others (like my DH) can sleep anywhere and through any noise.

Comewinewithmoi - what spiel?

I find it hard to believe that people think parents of good sleepers do nothing and that they 'just are that way'.

If that makes you feel better then you go ahead and think that.

How many Dcs do you have buba? For this tried and tested formula?

Donrmindifido - I know what you mean.

I did say in my post that I understand it doesn't work for every child.

I just hate it when people keep saying that mums of good sleepers are 'lucky' - my friend with the child that she rocks to sleep being the perfect example. She tells me how lucky I am, she is the one that rocked he ds to sleep for 3 years because she refused to let him fall asleep himself.

I have one ds - now aged 5.

But before you et on your high horse, 4 of my friends have used this method on their children and apart from 1 who has a medical issue they all have slept through from early on and are all very good sleepers.

Haha thought so. This might well bite you on the ass. You are lucky,that's not to say you didn't work for it.

Oh your friends lied told you so. Hohum

You sounds a little crabby. You probably just need more sleep.

Well I do have 4 children not 1 so am a wee bit tired.

Some children are better sleepers than others. It's a fact.

Exactly Harold, what a load of shite on this thread. I have 2 children, and they are totally different

I don't know why people are laying into OP really.

She was just surprised they insisted on taking DD yet didn't really seem to want to do anything with her.

They could have had an adult weekend, nice dinners, sleep ins yet at their bequest she duly took DD which meant her weekend was rubbish.

She went on the weekend, she did the child care so her DH could spend time with them.

She is just saying it was annoying.

I don't blame her.

My first baby slept through the night from 6 weeks - like a tiny angel luring me to have another very quickly. My second baby is 15months and still doesn't sleep through the night.

I have done nothing different, they are just different baby's.

OP you have my sympathy, I too would have to sit outside in the corridor cursing anyone walking by who had the cheek to be wearing clompy shoes.
Sounds a hard weekend for you.

Bubalou, I think what people are saying about those who maybe don't understand what having difficult sleeper is like is that we (including yourself from what you say) have spent a lot of time and energy to get our DC into a good sleep routine and to just take them out of that for the sake of a late dinner or grown up event is just not worth it. I think that those with children who will sleep in buggy/wherever and don't need to have this routine followed through don't understand that while other peoples children sleep well, they need certain tools to allow them to do this.

Some don't understand why I am strict with my DDs bedtime but I spent a lot of time putting this in place and I am reluctant to mess it all up as I have done it in the past thinking, oh it will be fine and then have had to spend the next night after the event with a disgruntled little one as routine is out of whack and for me it wasnt worth it.

OP- it would've been a nightmare for me as well. DS was a bad sleeper and I would've sat outside the room because I would not have been happy to have my child asleep in a hotel room where I couldn't hear what was happening. Not just in case some bad man stole him but because I wouldn't have wanted him bawling for ages and disturbing other guests.
Thing is my MIL would've thought that was a result- she could talk to DH and it would look like a big happy family but I would've been sitting in a corridor.

I had a non sleeper but then he wouldn't sleep during the day either- a 10 or 20 minute nap was all he would take from 6 weeks old. He dropped that at 20 months. At 1 year he in was in bed late, up really early and usually with a 2 hour party in the middle of the night. He was never tired. Everyone implied that I was to blame my mother, my PIL, the nursery. He defeated them all.

I did say that I completely agree that op shouldn't of had to put up with the late dinner plans - they are completely inconsiderate.

I also said that I know it's completely true that you can do everything humanly possible but some children just won't sleep well.

I will be back on here crying no doubt when I have another if they refuse to sleep! It's just annoying sometimes when people keep saying 'well u got lucky'.

I must have v low expectations, but I just thought this is all standard family fodder once you have kids.

Oh yes you MUST bring the baby. Then everything is arranged starting at 9pm and nobody gets out of bed or puts the heating on until 10am.

Many is the cold, dark corridor I've roamed at 6am with a toddler.

I honestly don't think people do it on purpose. Am clutching at straws here but take it as a positive that everyone forgets what babies are really like, and you will too!

The crucial moment is weighing up whether you say yes or no. You KNOW that yes will entail juggling, endless roaming, sterilising bottles in hotel sinks, hundreds of pushchair miles, and hissed conversations with your DP. So the question is - is it worth it for this trip or family member?

This thread has really brought out a lot of condescending nonsense from some posters.

OP, I agree that the weekend sounds awful. A lot of us have been through similar experiences and genuinely sympathise.

I had a good sleeper (ds1) and though I did put effort in to keep it that way i feel there IS an element of luck in it.

That's not saying you didn't put a lot if effort in though so I do see where you are coming from.