Over ILs taking us away

[notonnelly]

Okay, we tend not to go away with DD (1) as she doesn't sleep that well when we are away and is generally just much happier at home.

It was in the in laws wedding anniversary and they wanted to go away for a weekend to celebrate with the family. That is MIL's mum, DH, me and DD, their other son. It was to be in a hotel which we weren't mad keen on as DD won't go to sleep if we are in the room (meaning WTF do we do when she goes down for the night?). ILs know how she is. ILs are retired, but very young and active retired. Think golf/tennis everyday.

But fine, they wanted this weekend in this hotel, so we went along. They very kindly were paying. They said they really wanted this weekend to spend lots of time with DD. They live 5 mins along the road.

SO, on the Friday night they book dinner at 7pm in a pretty formal place in the hotel, expecting DD to join. We managed, but had to get her away early as she was so knackered. Then once she was tucked up in bed I had to sit on the hotel corridor reading a book whilst they all had drinks in the bar. We told them we would be down for breakfast with DD about 7.30 - 8.30. They said, oh well, we set our alarm for 8.30, we will see you later on in the day.

Saturday, they arrange sporting stuff to go an do and not stuff DD can come along for.

Then Saturday night they arrange a formal private dinner at 8pm. DD cannot come and is not the sort of baby that would sleep in the room in a buggy. So, I am pretty much pressurised into doing that phone monitor thing and I hated it, hated it. And then again, I have to sit in the corridor once dinner is over and they have drinks.

I thought it would have been nice to have a more relaxed early dinner that DD could have joined in on!

Same scenario at breakfast the next day.

So, it just leaves me wondering, why the fuck did they ask us, why did they want this 'family' weekend. I am not expecting people to bend over backwards to accomodate our somewhat rigid DD, but bloody nora, they hardly saw her and I spent alot of time camped out in a cold hotel corridor. Why bother?

AIBU, I think I may be a little as it was a nice thought to pay for us to go away with them, but it was a pretty hellish weekend all in all!

We did the interconnecting rooms thing a few weeks ago, it didn't help. Up at 1, 3 and 5.30 am for the day. Never again.

Gosh how inflexible am I!

I find the older generation don't really understand the challenges of a 1yo, even if you tell them. My ILs didn't until they looked after them overnight 2 years ago, they got it then and haven't offered since

It's a bit shit you were the one sat in the corridor, could a few of them not done a shift so you could have had a drink?

I think the people saying you should have been more flexible notonnelly are a bit delusional or are maybe forgetting what 1-year olds are like. You don't sound inflexible. You sound like you have a 1-year old. My son was easy enough to settle up until about 9 months old. We could take him anywhere and would happily eat out in restaurants with him just sleeping in his buggy. We felt very smug about how relaxed and cool we were as parents.

Then he got older and got more aware of his surroundings and now, at 2, he won't sleep anywhere except in his bed for naps and bedtime. He will sometimes snooze in the car but wakes up as soon as we stop.

Your ILs sound a bit like mine. They came to visit us (we live abroad) when DS was 1 and complained that we were being inflexible and that we hadn't had a meal out properly all together and so on. They had just forgotten what 1-year olds were like. My guess is your ILs are the same, have forgotten what it's like to have an older baby, not a child or a newborn, and were just thinking that you would somehow fall into line with their plans.

It was their weekend, they were paying for it, so fair enough but I can see why it wasn't relaxing for you at all! We had a weekend away in a hotel with DS when he was 9 months and swore off hotels ever again. Self-catering is much better. It would have been nice of your ILs to be more considerate but this time around it was their rules. Did they offer you any help with the baby at all? Kind of bizarre to invite you along if they weren't prepared to muck in a bit.

To be honest, you do sound a bit precious. Sitting in the corridor? Seriously? That sounds shit and completely bonkers. What is wrong with the phone monitor? Or could you not have upgraded yourselves to adjoining rooms? She's 1, not 3m. In the end of the day, you have to make sure that arrangements suit you and your family and then fit them around whatever else is going on. So sokme bits you're part of and some you're not.

And surely you didn't expect the weekend to revolve around your dd? These things never do no matter how keen people are to have the small ones there. Was it at least a place where you coud entertain her easily? I remember my dh seriously suggesting we go to a family reunion with a 2yo and a 4yo and stay in a b&b! Also bonkers and firmly vetoed. 'Cause who would end up trying to get them to sleep and then sit in a dark room while dh had a ball? Me.

The only other thing I'd say is they do get better able to cope you know, so I wouldn't write off doing it again. And I guess you'll know better next time whether the proposed outing is doable or not.

It sounds like they just did what they wanted for their anniversary and were unrealistic in expecting your dd to be able to join in. The alternative would be early dinner, early breakfast etc to suit your dd which wouldn't be much fun for the ILs. Maybe both sides were unrealistic. I wouldn't expect adults away from home celebrating to eat an evening meal at 5 or 6pm because one of the party is a baby.

Why the martyr like sitting in a corridor though? Presumably it wasn't that long ago that she slept all the time in the same room as you, even if the two dinners were inappropriate, you could've just enjoyed the weekend and sat in the room reading. (especially as a hotel corridor you'd hope would have good enough soundproofing that you weren't going to hear anything anyway...)

And why the insisting on attending breakfast at 7:30-8:30, what was wrong with 8:30 when the rest would be there? (even if she'd eaten earlier)

You just sound rather determined to complain, sure it wasn't a great weekend, travelling with young kids is often tough, but never doing it is hardly the alternative.

You have my sympathies OP. It sounds like utter hell. Both of my kids would have gone ballistic if kept up and expected to doze off in a bright noisy dining room.
To be honest, I would still find the weekend you've described a bit tricky with a three and five year old.
Have a huge glass of wine and some choice, you've earned it.

I think never doing it until kids are older is a good alternative. I hate staggering around in a sleep deprived hallucinogenic blear on the pretence of enjoying a lovely weekend.

Sounds shit. Poor you.

I would have been very unhappy with monitor phone thing, and I am really laid back.

My dc are 4 and 5 and only now would I consider taking them for a 7pm meal in a restaurant. Ds in partic struggles to sit still at the end of the day.

For those questioning DH, see my post. He offered. Nobody else offered to sit there so I could have a drink (nor, realistically, would I expect ILs to, it was their weekend).

Fred How I am being a martyr? I couldn't sit in the room reading - she would wake up and be gawking at me. Then we escalate into overtired mayhem. wiltingfast the phone monitor only worked in the private room, couldn't be used in the bar. So, what was I meant to do? Leave DD in a hotel room, 10 mins walk away, in a strange place, and hope for the best? Not the type of parent I am.

I didn't insist on breakfast at that time, I said, we would be down at that time (given we would be up at the crack of dawn).

Yup OP. my DS is like this. I too would laugh in the face of those suggesting you've somehow created this. For me, I'm so grateful that he sleeps reliably in his bed that I don't give a toss about a social life that requires him to be flexible. They're only little for such a short time. Martyrdom does tend to be the retort from those who drag babies around to fit in. Weekend sounds shit. It's over. Lesson learned.

All children are flexible, some parents are not.

But why sitting the corridor? bottle glass of wine and a good book on the bed would do me.

Bollocks.

Because the baby wakes up if she's in the room and then gets overtired. I still think its madness.

at that age DD would have been very hard to settle in a strange room, and she would have (in fact, still is) used to going to sleep in the dark - now, how am I meant to read in the dark, I'm not a bloody cat! And I would have not been happy with a phone monitor at that distance, pfb and all that I daresay, so shoot me.

All babies are flexible? Seriously? . Ill be sure to explain that to my silent reflux baby in pain and crying. He'd have felt so much better, over tired and dragged around. I think requiring him to be flexible would have been utterly selfish.

Enlighten me wips. How was my behaviour madness? Tell me what my alternative was. DD will wake up if I sit in the room reading. She will. It is a fact.

Yes, some babies are flexible. What so .

You could buy this

Then you could read.

Cuddly Yes, they are flexible. All of them. Every single one. You are wrong

I can empathise. I have one flexible baby who slept at weddings/dinners/anywhere and one inflexible, light sleeper. I'm quite strict and inflexible about bedtimes (my need as much as theirs!) I would have done exactly same as you but would have been ok about using phone monitor and would have made DH (and possibly other gullible supportive family members) take turns to sit in the corridor.

See, a lot of us who've had babies post McGann think hotel holidays are hell, but for a lot of older generations, that's just what you did, settle them down, go down to the bar, have a lovely time. The fact that younger parents just won't leave them is seen as odd. At the time MM was taken, I remember talking in the office with a few parents who'd all said they'd left their DCs in hotel rooms and gone down to restaurants. They only thought the McGanns were wrong because the place they'd gone to eat was a separate building, but the premise of leaving DCs alone in a hotel room is just what a lot of people did until very very recently.

I also had a non-flexible DS, he would have slept in the buggy until about the age of 5 months, but after that, the buggy would have to be moving or he was in a cot in the dark. No parking him up next to the table for us. I'm sure the OP could have been 'flexible' and brought her DD to the meal, of course everyone wants a crying, whinging baby at the table. Some DC won't just coo sweetly if kept up late, most in fact, will be grumpy and stroppy. That's just not fun.

It also sounds like they like the idea of DD being there, having gone away with all their family, but not actually wanting to spend any time with her. I guess if you'd realised how it would have been you could have arranged a nanny to sit in the corridor for you so you could have enjoyed the Saturday night, or even left DD at home with your parents. Lesson learned, in the future, make sure you pin down plans and work out how you are going to make things suit your DD and they can fit in with you...

that'll be the same babies that all sleep through the night and feed like angels. Those ones?

OP, DD would have been exactly the same! I think that's reasonably normal? I don't think DD (21mo) is unusual but she needs to sleep in her bed at night, wherever that may be.

My parents are similar - they just don't get how routine is important to DD and that I actually can't make her wake up at 8am or wait for lunch until 1.30. I can give her snacks and delay her lunch, but if she misses her nap, yes, she will be very tired and grumpy.

My parents also say they want to spend lots of time with DD. They actually mean a couple of hours a day, spread out. So maybe your inlaws saw enough of you and enjoyed themselves.

I would have done the same as you I think - gone along but not really enjoyed it! Hopefully your DH enjoyed it though?