Over ILs taking us away

[notonnelly]

Okay, we tend not to go away with DD (1) as she doesn't sleep that well when we are away and is generally just much happier at home.

It was in the in laws wedding anniversary and they wanted to go away for a weekend to celebrate with the family. That is MIL's mum, DH, me and DD, their other son. It was to be in a hotel which we weren't mad keen on as DD won't go to sleep if we are in the room (meaning WTF do we do when she goes down for the night?). ILs know how she is. ILs are retired, but very young and active retired. Think golf/tennis everyday.

But fine, they wanted this weekend in this hotel, so we went along. They very kindly were paying. They said they really wanted this weekend to spend lots of time with DD. They live 5 mins along the road.

SO, on the Friday night they book dinner at 7pm in a pretty formal place in the hotel, expecting DD to join. We managed, but had to get her away early as she was so knackered. Then once she was tucked up in bed I had to sit on the hotel corridor reading a book whilst they all had drinks in the bar. We told them we would be down for breakfast with DD about 7.30 - 8.30. They said, oh well, we set our alarm for 8.30, we will see you later on in the day.

Saturday, they arrange sporting stuff to go an do and not stuff DD can come along for.

Then Saturday night they arrange a formal private dinner at 8pm. DD cannot come and is not the sort of baby that would sleep in the room in a buggy. So, I am pretty much pressurised into doing that phone monitor thing and I hated it, hated it. And then again, I have to sit in the corridor once dinner is over and they have drinks.

I thought it would have been nice to have a more relaxed early dinner that DD could have joined in on!

Same scenario at breakfast the next day.

So, it just leaves me wondering, why the fuck did they ask us, why did they want this 'family' weekend. I am not expecting people to bend over backwards to accomodate our somewhat rigid DD, but bloody nora, they hardly saw her and I spent alot of time camped out in a cold hotel corridor. Why bother?

AIBU, I think I may be a little as it was a nice thought to pay for us to go away with them, but it was a pretty hellish weekend all in all!

Owl that thing is the stuff of nightmares! It makes me think of being buried alive!!!

I had a similar thing when DS was about 2 and my BIL was 50. Sister paid for a room in the hotel where the meal was for us "a nice treat for you" instead of putting us up at her house.

Sat on pins during the meal listening to baby monitor then had to deal with an early rising baby/toddler and hour before anything in the hotel opened. Couldn;t read in bed or watch TV at anything except virtually inaudible levels with DS in the room. Never said a word to Dsis as I think she genuinely thought it would be a nice treat for us.

It toughens you up! You won;t agree to something which is so awkward for your family again. Insist on something that works for you next time even if it means paying yourself or paying a babysitter.

And DS wouldn;t sleep in a buggy either. Once took him to a family party and everyone said - oh he can dose off under a table somewhere... Ha ha ha when we left at 10pm he was still wide awake and needed entertaining, then we loaded him into a car (in the dark) and drove him home for 90 mins and he still didn't fall asleep until we got home!

I would have left a one year old with the other set of grandparents at home and gone along with DH to something like that and enjoyed a grown up night out.

We once took DS aged one on a new-years break with in-laws. But he was a good sleeper and we did put him down to bed before we ate and then used the hotel listening service. It was still rather hard work, especially as MIL insisted on walking round the walls of Chester and we had to get a buggy up and down stairs. The experience has not been repeated and said DS is almost 25!

So you go for breakfast at 7.30 ish because it suits you. Your in-laws go at 9ish cos it suits them.

Do you really think many people wish to start their day 2 hrs earlier because you have a baby?

Did you get up at this time pre dd?

Honestly if it was my parents anniversary and anyone suggested up at 6.30 breakfast at 7.30 oh and high tea at 5 to suit the baby I would have laughed in their face.

I'd have said you do that breakfast we'll see you at a reasonable hour. Dinner wise I would have suggested you feeding dd earlier and then turn taking to come to dinner. I'd even have offered to do some of the sitting for you. Would I change everyone elses weekend for my one dd - no.

"No, no and no she likes to be in a bed(preferably her own), in the dark, left in peace."

When DD was only days old my auntie gave me a piece of valuable advice, and that was to never try to get her to sleep in absolute silence and to keep the radio/TV on in the background because I would make a rod for my own back. I followed it and am so glad I did. DD developed some serious health problems that involved many hospital stays. Fortunately she managed to get to sleep in hospital in spite of the hustle and bustle going on around her.

I really feel for parents who have problems getting their children to sleep and would advise new parents to follow my auntie's advice.

notonnelly I'm sorry your weekend was so stressful. I hope your ILs will be more understanding.

Yes it does seem a little claustrophobic!

Haha cuddly ah yes, those babies, i have indeed heard of these, apparently my mil had two of them.

i think some people do forget what babies of this age can be like and others have never experienced a baby who likes/needs routine. So my DD likes to go to sleep in her own bed at the same time every night, there are worse things i could imagine and i actually spent quite a while encouraging this to happen. So i cant take my DD to places that aren't really appropriate for young babies and certain people roll their eyes at me for saying this. But that's just the way it is for now, i don't have a,problem with it, its others that do and i imagine most mothers of 'routine loving babies' will feel the same.

OP, i would have probably done the same in your situation and would also have prefered DH was with his parents.

Is there a reason why you couldn't sit in PIL's or BIL's room instead of sitting in the hall? Or go back to your own room once DD was asleep?

I'm not having a go, my two were easy sleepers so I never had to go through what you have, but I don't get you sitting on the floor in the hallway.

I have a mix of sleepers. Some who will sleep on a washing line, others (and me!) who can only sleep in bed in the dark although thankfully noise isnt an issue.

I have brought them all up the same way, done bed times the same way, naps etc and thats just how they are. My sister could sleep on the central reservation of the M25 in rush hour, I struggle to sleep in bed at night, we are just different.

The problem is that when you tell people that X wont sleep in a buggy or whatever, they assume that you are some PFB GF following mad woman who insists on a 5 mile radius of silence when baby is sleeping! And when you are proved right that "oh she'll be fine in the buggy" isnt actually the case, it is somehow YOUR fault that she wont sleep and not THEIR fault for insisting that they know best!

YANBU, not at all.

I was going to ask why you spend 2 evenings in the corridor with a book, but I guess as it was your ILs then your DH can be let off, although I hope he did at least pop up to your regularly with wine!

bun I had music on fo DD when she slept. Still a light sleeper. Some kids are like that I think.

I couldn't leave DD at home, IL's kept on going on about how much they wanted to see her and it would be great her being there etc et etc etc etc and what an important part of the (tiny) family she was. It was a little OTT frankly. But nevermind. So that over the top enthusiasm did not really match up with their actions - there was a disconnect. And I suppose it is that that caused me to raise an eyebrow. Had they not been so friggin over excited about her being there and 'being a big part of our weekend' I probably wouldn't have thought anything of the arrangements.

Weile if the OPs child is anything like my middle child, no matter how asleep they are, if you pop your head around the door they are wide awake. As I said above, my others wouldnt wake from a direct bomb strike but she is awake if a sparrow farts 3 streets away. I could never spend an evening in the room with her and have her sleep, thats why we only do self catering holidays!

DS is 18mo and has a consistent routine of mealtimes/naptime and bedtime. He sleeps best in a cot, in his grobag in the dark with his bunny. He will sleep in travel cots and is reasonably happy to settle in strange places as long as it's nice and dark and he has his bunny. I am absolutely happy with that and am not prepared to do anything that would jeopardise his sleeping and eating. The only thing I would do differently to you OP is I would hide behind the bed on cushions and MN on the iPad whilst he slept! He's only little for a while, plenty of time for grown up meals out when he's a bit bigger.

bun i say no to the 'magic' of buggies, cars and cuddles in bed to get my DD to sleep and when i say left in peace i mean put in her bed, lights out and door closed. I still potter around my tiny house, have friends round for meals, etc. While she sleeps in her bed and you can definitely hear the chat in any room of our house.

she just likes left alone to settle herself down, i wouldn't like a table of diners staring at me while i tried to sleep either tbh haha

OP your DD is obviously a clone of my older 2
DS I swear didn't sleep at all for around 18 months and vomited every time he had to sleep in a strange bed. Every. Time.
DD could and did fall asleep at a football match at Wembley stadium surrounded by 80,000 screaming fans at the age of 3. However for the first 2 years of her life she woke up if a fly farted 20 miles away in Manchester...
Some babies are flexible, some aren't, it's the way of the world.
I totally agree with the posters who say your IL's have forgotten about the little details of raising children.

Sorry, forgot to add, I have done the weirdest things to get my DC's to sleep. Sitting reading in a corridor is not madness x

YANBU OP....I would not have taken my one year old to a formal dinner at 8:00pm and to those who inevitably say "oh well we managed" than bully for them. Why should the parents of a one year old sort out being all being flexible over some footloose and fancy free retirees? Goes both ways IMO.

Another one here who has an inflexible child and I completely understand where you're coming from. Don't sweat it though, it was a special occasion and you went along and I'm sure it was appreciated. It should get easier as they get older, I am starting to see signs of this now DS is 2.

Poor old you - it does sound a bit dull for you. Lessons learnt all round, I suppose, but I'm sure the GPs have now realised how difficult it is for you to be looking after a baby in unfamiliar surroundings, and won't ask you away again.

I dont suppose anybody would expect a 1 year old baby to take any part in a dinner, formal or not. I expect they thought you would have fed her her dinner earlier, and she could either be awake and with you, or asleep in her buggy with you, or asleep in the room with a monitor.

A 1 year old is so portable, so not sure what sporting activities she could not be present for?

Oh and both DH and I have sat in hotel corridors reading while waiting for DS to fall asleep a couple staying at one hotel even mistook us for hotel staff because we spent so much time in the corridor although they were a bit strange too

It seems a little not thought through on your part really...

I really cannot understand why you would sit in the corridor once asleep...But if you really believed it was that tough to get to sleep how did you expect the evening to go..no matter what time dinner was you would be in the same situation...

I also completely understand with babies they can't wait till the IL's wake up for breakfast but I am not sure why you seem to upset about the two breakfasts.

My DS at that age struggled to go to sleep without my boob in his mouth and woke frequently but I do think at home you need to creep about less...get her more self soothing to make your life a little easier.... At this age though once you have these things sorted they start teething again and it all goes up in the air.

Did you actually enjoy yourself at all?

totally sympathise op, we have a 1 year old dd and went away for a weekend recently that involved us watching tv on an ipad in the bathroom because she otherwise stood in the travel cot and cried at us when we were in the room. she is an amazing sleeper, in her own room, but can't stand missing out when others are around - although only at bedtime, naptime during the day she is fine. turns out that small children have their own personalities and habits, like adults, so posters saying this is crazy and created by parents clearly have only met children with different habits! Likewise for the person who suggested keeping them up later, dd gets incredibly cranky and just cries if she misses her usual bedtime. We are very flexible with her and I don't mind going at our own pace at home or in a family member/friend's house but in a restaurant I would not want to be dealing with an unhappy baby who was being kept up only for the sake of their grandparents and not getting anything from the evening.

starlight There is no question here, DD wakes if you go into her room at night. Me sitting reading a book whilst she was meant to be asleep would not work. No question at all. It is not a question of self soothing. It is a a question of being a light sleeper who is also very very nosey.

If we had all had dinner together I would have thought it would have been nice for DD and her GPs, but they obviously didn't want that, despite having prattled on to anyone who would listen about what a wonderful weekend they would have with their GD. Granted, I would have still had to sit in the corridor, much to your horror, but at least we would have had some sort of celebration as a whole family.

I should have said this was not a rare treat for the ILs. they go on holiday approx 10 times a year.