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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel hurt that my daughter doesn't want my knitted baby clothes?

395 replies

Mayflower64 · 26/10/2013 00:35

My daughter lives a long way from us and is four months pregnant. She came to visit last week and I showed her all the clothes I'd knitted for the baby, all modern cardigans, coats and hats, no old-fashioned lacy matinee jackets as I knew she wouldn't like those. She looked at them and said straight out that she didn't want any of them as she didn't like knitted stuff for babies. I was so hurt, they had been made with so much love for her and the future baby. Are knitted things for babies really out of fashion these days? Am I just being stupid to still feel so upset???

OP posts:
sonlypuppyfat · 26/10/2013 20:59

I just think knitted stuff seems to fold round babies more so soft and cosy. Can you sell them on eBay.

creepypenisreaper · 26/10/2013 21:03

NewtRipley I know, I said upthread that she could have been more polite, but she would still be ungrateful regardless on the inside. She can't help that

NewtRipley · 26/10/2013 21:05

creepy

Sorry, missed your earlier post Smile

This has got me a bit annoyed (the thread, I mean). All this talk about "fashion", when it's not about that, IMO

creepypenisreaper · 26/10/2013 21:10

I regret not saying to people that I'd rather not accept their gifts. Because now I have tonnes of plastic boxes of what is basically trash (broken, stained or plain dangerous) or brash, gaudy nineties clothing.

I'm sure the OPs clothes don't fit into either of these categories, but it's still the same principle. You should be able to (graciously) decline things you clearly won't use.

sonlypuppyfat · 26/10/2013 21:14

You shouldn't be rude to your mum though I think most people would agree on that.

BlingBang · 26/10/2013 21:20

I didn't want to put stuff on my baby to please other people. There is nothing wrong in to wanting or liking something. Obviously it's nice to be gracious and kind about it but I'd get annoyed if folk insist on going me things that I didn't really want or ask for. Hate being guilt tripped.

zipzap · 26/10/2013 21:22

Mil knitted loads of stuff without asking for ds1.

Dh and I were deliberately not buying baby clothes (or any baby things really) too far in advance as we were nervous and didn't want to jinx anything. Despite knowing this she was knitting away, and it just felt like a real kick in my face - likE she felt she knows best so carried on anyway. Not like she was that excited - 15th grandchild and already onto great grandchildren so couldn't claim the excitement of a first grandchild.

On top of that - she was using the same patterns that she used to make for her kids - eldest of whom was well into his 50s by the time ds1 was born.

I just said thank you and put them away - dont think they ever got used, not least because ds was born just before an incredibly hot summer and we lived in an incredibly hot flat so he spent most of his time in little romper suits trying to keep cool. And then when jumpers turned up later they were in a strange itchy sweaty wool/polyester mix. Dh put one onto ds and it made him come up in a rash so that was the first and only time any of the were worn.

So yes, your dd could have been more tactful in how she said no thank you - but maybe if you'd spoken to her before starting you'd have found out if she actually wanted any knitted clothes or if she wanted to wait until closer to the time or if she would have preferred a blanket or something else. My sis's mil gave me a hooded wrap thing that she had made from fleece that was really useful for popping ds into when he was small, not too hot but a nice soft snugly layer that was easier than wrapping up in a blanket - great for those times when you're going between two warm places but need to have something warm too - so frome home to car then car to supermarket or a friend's house... Bundle then up outside, flick open in the car without the need to take it off and easy to cosy up quickly to go outside again. I haven't seen them before or since but it was great! And worked for me because of the timings of ds's birth. So talk to your dd and find out what she would like!

MrsMeeple · 26/10/2013 21:33

This is such a hard thing. I recieve quite a lot of knitted things from various family and friends, and some of it I love, and some of it I will just never use on my child. I try not to take things I know I won't use, as I would prefer they were given to someone who would use them. Of course it depends on who it comes from and how it is presented, if this is possible.

I think it's great that your daughter felt that she could tell you that she didn't like it, although it sounds like she needed to do it a whole lot more tactfully!

Like others have said above, I think you should keep it, and let her know later that you have it, and if she'd like to look through it and see if there's anything she'd like, it would be your pleasure for the child to wear something that you'd made. Likewise, ask her (later, when she may be less scared or hormonal, and the sting of this issue has faded a little) to keep an eye out for any knitted things she likes, as you'd love it if she told you what she would like, so you could make it for the child.

ProphetOfDoom · 26/10/2013 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rugbychick · 26/10/2013 21:51

My dd has had lots of knitted jumpers/cardigans/hats from both her grandmothers and were very much used by us. Fortunately they got even more use as they weren't real wool (both me and dp are sensitive to wool, and we felt dd maybe as well). One pattern book my mum was using had a pattern for cardigans with hoodies. My dp asked if mum would make them for dd, which we she did. Dd was very unique. In fact a lot of the jumpers/cardigans have been unravelled and being re knitted into a bigger size by my mum (dps mum isn't local) for this winter to be worn

rugbychick · 26/10/2013 21:53

I would be worried about washing real wool jumpers/cardigans, but as the ones we had for dd weren't real wool, I just washed them at 30 degrees and sorted!

breatheslowly · 26/10/2013 22:25

Is the OP ever coming back to respond to any of the comments?

bootsycollins · 27/10/2013 00:55

She's busy knitting her dd a YABU Christmas jumper Grin

lisianthus · 27/10/2013 01:24

Footle Thank you! That is a great idea!

I've been having a think about all of the posts describing the OP's daughter as "rude". Looking at the OP's first post, it's not clear whether "she didn't want any of them as she didn't like knitted clothes for babies" is an actual quote or a description/paraphrase of what the daughter said.

For those who think the daughter is rude, is there any phrasing the daughter could have used to refuse the knitting, or is it simply the fact that the daughter refused it (and didn't just take it all home and put it in a drawer somewhere) that is the rude part?

If the OP has already knitted such a lot of clothes at only 16 weeks, the daughter may have thought she needed to say something before the OP wasted her time knitting a Transit van full of jumpers over the next couple of years. The daughter may have done the "smile, say thank you and put it in a drawer" thing if it had been just a single cardigan without a high likelihood of further shipments to come.

The daught may have been tactless, but there's nothing actually wrong with not liking knitted stuff and not wanting to fill her home with it, notwithstanding that it may be ultra-fashionable and expensive to buy.

SunshineMMum · 27/10/2013 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mortuusUrsus · 27/10/2013 09:30

Where's the OP gone?

Babymamaroon · 27/10/2013 09:38

Oh that's so sad. Your daughter's missing out. I absolutely adore knitted baby clothes and really wish I had someone to lovingly knit for my baby. YANBU!

MrsGarlic · 27/10/2013 10:13

I think YABU for not asking her first. I would have said no. I have a few knitted pieces for my DS knitted by my grandmother, but she asked first and we chose the styles and colours together. Even then, although I have accepted them graciously and do dress him in them, they are a PITA. We have very little else woollen so I have to either wash them by themselves, wasting all the water etc, or wait for ages for all the woollen things to be used. Also I am petrified of getting it wrong because we had two beautiful woollen blankets and they shrunk and distorted in the wash. I still feel guilty. I personally don't like woollen clothing on small babies (it's only now he is 9 months that I am starting to like them; before it was just not practical for us, and he was born in January) and would rather have toys. My grandmother has knitted him two beautiful woollen monkeys which he plays with and for me that's much better than the clothes.

Lilacroses · 27/10/2013 10:22

Very sad to hear that OP. I would be very hurt too in your shoes. It's a shame your Dd didn't think how incredibly hurtful it would be to refuse the clothes knowing that you had gone to the trouble of knitting them for her and were probably really excited to show her them. My mum spent weeks crocheting the most amazing baby shawl for my cousin and my cousin didn't even send her a message to say she had received it, my mum asked her months later and she said "Oh...yeah....thanks". So rude. I don't agree with all this "well, at least she was honest" rubbish. It's really unkind to show a total lack of appreciation when someone has made an effort to make you something even if it's not quite to your taste.

BuntyPenfold · 27/10/2013 10:23

I have sometimes felt like crying myself when I am handed the next batch of knitting. DM cannot be shifted from the cheap acrylic multi coloured yarns, and no, she isn't hard up - also, the cuffs are always really tight. She comments on this herself but keeps on making them too tight. It's hard to know what to say.

ProphetOfDoom · 27/10/2013 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoniRotten · 27/10/2013 10:47

For all we do know the daughter DID say 'aw thanks mum but it's not my style .....'. And really, we need to be able to be honest surely, and say that we don't like something, else the mother will just carry on knitting all these things the daughter doesn't like, and if it ever comes out the mother will say oh, I wish you'd just told me at the start. You can't win. I really don't like hand-knitted clothes, yet I should act greatful? I'd rather be kind, tactful but honest, especially with a mother the OP says the daughter is usually close to. I live in a very small space, I really can't afford to hoard all the unwanted stuff people would give me if I didn't nip it in the bud.

WhereIsMyHat · 27/10/2013 10:52

Knitted stuff is properly stlylez now days, isn't it. All the shops are trying to get that home knitted look. Think pale grey cashmere cardigans. I wish someone had knitted for my babies.

NewtRipley · 27/10/2013 10:57

Assertiveness is important, but I'd say this is one occasion when being polite trumps it. Take the stuff, say thankyou and then pass it on to someone else if necessary

This is the first lot of stuff the OP has knitted for her first grandchild.

NewtRipley · 27/10/2013 10:57

Yoni

That's not what the OP said.

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