to feel hurt that my daughter doesn't want my knitted baby clothes?

[Mayflower64]

My daughter lives a long way from us and is four months pregnant. She came to visit last week and I showed her all the clothes I'd knitted for the baby, all modern cardigans, coats and hats, no old-fashioned lacy matinee jackets as I knew she wouldn't like those. She looked at them and said straight out that she didn't want any of them as she didn't like knitted stuff for babies. I was so hurt, they had been made with so much love for her and the future baby. Are knitted things for babies really out of fashion these days? Am I just being stupid to still feel so upset???

[fluffyraggies]

There can be a massive difference between one hand knitted item and another. The patterns that everyone is cooing over on the website links are nothing like my experience of hand knitted stuff.

I feel awful to say that i don't really like the things my mum is knitting for baby at the moment. (i'm 28 weeks preg) She is now making things for when the baby is 18 months and 2 years old! - and giving them to me now to store even though she knows i have very limited space. (she's got 3 empty bedrooms, but doesn't want the clothes 'cluttering up' her place) She insists on using bargain wool in those graded changing colours, or using up oddments in weird colour combos. Exactly the same stuff she made for me in the 70s and again for her 1st GC (my eldest) in the 90s.

If i try to move her towards more expensive or sophisticated yarns or more modern patterns she huffs about price and fiddliness. (fiddliness - fair enough. She struggles now with more complicated patterns) But the thing is, she values the price of the wool over the look of the finished garment, and just churns out what she's used to knitting. So what can i do? I accept it all and then feel guilty that i'm not going to use it. Is this really better than saying - mum, i done want knitted stuff thanks? I wish i'd said it at the beginning.

[YoniRotten]

Newt, I know. Maybe she paraphrased. Maybe she didn't hear her daughter say thank but not thank you and only heard the no.

Yes. This it the first lot the OP had knitted her and already it sounded absolutely loads. Nip it in the bud, else the OP will carry on knitting all these things the daughter simply doesn't want. The daughter is entitled not to want stuff. Why lie to her mother, of all people? I would truly rather hear from my child that they don't like something, so I know better for next time, and not waste my time or money on something they won't use.

[NellysKnickers]

She's ungrateful and rude. Both my dc had handknitted cardies and hats etc. Lovely, warm and extremely cute, far far nicer than anything you can buy in the shops.

[diddl]

I'm a knitter & I'm sure that my daughter knows already that I'd start knitting straight away!

Hopefully she'd tell me not to bother or tell me what patterns/wool she would like.

[Nanny0gg]

Why is 'ungrateful' being said as a bad thing here? You are either grateful for a gift or you're not. You can't help how you feel- depends on whether you like it or not. The daughter has no control over this. I don't think she's horrible, either. But of course there will be people out there who insist that all gifts, wanted or not, should be accepted and have a fucking shrine devoted to it/ hoarded away gathering dust to save people's feelings
You can be uingrateful for a gift but decline it in a gracious way. Or you can thank and then say (very nicely) that you won't need any more.

Why shouldn't you save peoples' feelings? Why go out of the way to hurt someone who hoped they were being thoughtful?

[Oriunda]

Bear in mind OP's daughter may be on mumsnet herself. I hope she doesn't find this thread as she could quite easily recognise her mother from this post, who appears to have triggered a deluge of criticism against her DD and done a runner.

Until OP comes back to tell us exactly the words her daughter said I think it's unfair to write her off as being rude and ungrateful.

[Neverland2013]

Agree with TaraKnowles - your daughter is probably not aware that knitted stuff for babies is very in. Suggest to wait until the baby is born and ignore the hurtful comments for now..

[LePetitPrince]

I can genuinely say that the best presents I got were hand knitted. A very elderly neighbour did an old fashioned cardigan for my newborn and cute gloves for the sibling, and I was so grateful.

They are the warmest clothes ever. Fact.

OP - I presume your dd is quite young? If so, I would be less offended as fashion is all important, with tradition and family ties less important. That will change obviously.

[lisianthus]

I agree with Yonirotten. It's not clear what the daughter actually said and whether the mother would have taken offense whatever form of words were used.

Can some of you who are calling the daughter "rude" tell me whether you think she was rude because (as far as we know from the OP) she wasn't more placatory in her refusal or whether she was rude because she refused- i.e you think that there was no way the daughter could have refused that would have been polite?

[lisianthus]

I asked this as I am getting the sense that a lot of people think that there is no way the daughter could have refused the clothes- that she should have just smiled, taken them and put them in a box in the loft or whatever. This leaves the OP knitting away and producing mountains of handknits that the daughter doesn't like. And it could be just that she doesn't like handknits, which is not actually a crime, not a matter of "fashion". Surely it's kinder to let the OP know?

[SaucyJack]

Agree with TaraKnowles - your daughter is probably not aware that knitted stuff for babies is very in.

Or perhaps she doesn't give a crap about what's "in", and just wants to dress her own child in stuff that she likes

[themaltesefalcon]

It isn't your baby.

You had your go at this stuff.

It's her turn.

It's as simple as that.

It was a kindly-meant but quite presumptuous thing you did in knitting all that stuff (which I'd have loved for my kid, but that is by the by).

Don't let her see you crying about it or she may feel you are trying to manipulate her. Something about having your own little one to protect can make you far less tolerant of that sort of carry-on.

[Twooter]

How about keeping them and giving the dgc a teddy dressed in them instead? I also never liked woollen stuff for my dc as it gave them all a rash, but we still have the nicer stuff as dolls clothes.

[BlingBang]

"OP - I presume your dd is quite young? If so, I would be less offended as fashion is all important, with tradition and family ties less important. That will change

" your daughter is probably not aware that knitted stuff for babies is very in."

See this is all so annoying and condescending. It wasn't about what was in or fashionable, I don't like the kind of knitted stuff I got given for my baby that I didn't ask for or want or like. Want to dress my baby in the things I like - not misshapen, hard to get on, scratchy, too warm, mismatching stuff. I didn't care about fashion by comfort and softness and practicality, thanks. Stop telling people how wrong and shallow they are for liking different things.

[NewtRipley]

lisianthus

I get your point. I think that if the OP had produced one lot and then continued to do so after the first lot, you'd be right.

But this is one lot of stuff, the first lot. To refuse it is rude.

[NewtRipley]

And NannyOgg, I agree with your last post

[MysterySpots]

I don't think that a woman who is 4 months pregnant should be presented with any baby clothes. There is no baby yet, but there is a woman who needs support and that does not include having to play the gratitude game. Daughter should probably have been a bit more polite about it, but I would have been upset about someone giving me baby stuff at that stage because, with very good reason, I don't believe in counting chickens before they are hatched. To have knitted that volume of clothes in the space of time since the pregnancy was announced seems a bit excessive also. OP YANBU to be upset by your daughter's response, but I think you need to focus more on your daughter and what she is going through at the moment and less on becoming a grandmother. Not that that isn't wonderful but you aren't one yet...

[LELoupee]

YANBU I taught myself to knit after DS was born as there was no one I knew to knit for him.
He is now 15 months and has the sum total of a pairs legwarmers and half a hat!

[WhoKnowsWhereTheSlimeGoes]

I was 36 when I had my first DC and very aware of family traditions etc, but I still wouldn't have wanted lots of hand knitted things even if they were the height of fashion (they weren't then) and I would have been totally overwhelmed and upset at being given baby stuff at just 4 months pregnant, about 8 months would have been more reasonable.

[festered]

YANBU I would have been really hurt.
If she didn't like them she should have realised how much love and care you'd put into them and accepted them graciously anyway.

[NewtRipley]

Mystery

You have a point there- about over-excitement and chickens

[creepypenisreaper]

NannyOgg I totally agree that she should have been polite about it (we don't know what the daughter said/ tone of voice as OP hasn't really cleared that up) but what I take exception to is people branding her 'ungrateful' as though it is a terrible thing. I would be ungrateful on the inside if someone gave me an unwanted gift, but I would still be gracious about it. It doesn't make you a bad person to feel a certain way.

Think about it, why would you be happy and grateful with a gift you don't want? It's illogical. You can be touched by the sentiment, but at the end of the day it is still clutter and in this case, quite presumptuous to think someone would want this stuff being 4 months pregnant.

[joannesroom]

Poor you. It was totally lovely of you to do all this knitting for your precious GC.

I loved all the home knitted stuff my babies were given - those precious labours of love were definitely the favourite gifts I received, and my babies were proudly decked out in their matinee jacket and bootees.

Either she will come round, or you will find a very grateful recipient for your wares elsewhere!

[nextyearitsbigschool]

You are not unreasonable to be upset and she shouldn't have been so rude but it would have been worth asking her first if she liked something knitted. Personally I hate knitted clothes on babies. I have been looking at some of the links people have posted here of terribly expensive knitted baby clothes and wouldn't have put any of my children in any of them but I would have perhaps told my mum that in a more polite way.