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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel hurt that my daughter doesn't want my knitted baby clothes?

395 replies

Mayflower64 · 26/10/2013 00:35

My daughter lives a long way from us and is four months pregnant. She came to visit last week and I showed her all the clothes I'd knitted for the baby, all modern cardigans, coats and hats, no old-fashioned lacy matinee jackets as I knew she wouldn't like those. She looked at them and said straight out that she didn't want any of them as she didn't like knitted stuff for babies. I was so hurt, they had been made with so much love for her and the future baby. Are knitted things for babies really out of fashion these days? Am I just being stupid to still feel so upset???

OP posts:
HorryIsUpduffed · 26/10/2013 18:57

What Shriek said - it's actually ok not to like handknit, just like it's ok not to like linen, or cartoon characters, or pastels, or brights, or whatever else.

SueDoku · 26/10/2013 19:13

Oh OP, I am so sorry - and I'm sure that you'll be a lovely GM..!

My Mum was a wonderful knitter - my DGD was christened this summer in the gown that she knitted for my DD - and when she was rushed into hospital (and never came home... Sad) I found a lovely baby's cardigan that she had obviously knitted for a friend - I kept it for years, and gave it to my DS and DIL when my first GC was born. DS was overwhelmed (he was very close to my DM) but DIL wasn't keen, and I don't think baby ever wore the cardigan...Hmm.

I won't pretend - it hurt. But I let it go and am close to them - and you will be close to your DD and DGC....

creepypenisreaper · 26/10/2013 19:19

The amount of unwanted stuff my MIL has given me, including things that some random woman crocheted my OH when he was a baby Hmm.

The way your DD responded was perhaps a bit rude, but I kind of admire her for having the guts to tell you what she thought. I didn't and now my utility room is choc-a-bloc with things that are useless to me but I can't throw out because A) I feel they have sentimental value to my MIL and B) I feel it's not my place to. Sure, I could use the baby bouncer from the 70s (that looks as safe as a coathanger) or the ratty yellowed babygros, but I don't want to, and that should be a good enough reason.

I've also be inundated with offers of knitted outfits/ crocheted hats from my mum and my OH's step-grandmother. But I don't need them or like them. Someone hit the nail on the head upthread when they mentioned 'mint green acrylic booties' or something along those lines. My tastes are more along the lines of Converse style booties, or clothes with funky, bright modern motifs. The only knitted things that I've seen that I've liked are the Mickey Mouse/ Minion/ Yoda hats. They are really cool. Perhaps you should have found out what she needed or wanted before embarking on your projects? It is, after all her baby and giving her clothes she doesn't like and then getting upset about it is as good as telling her what her child must wear.

mummytowillow · 26/10/2013 19:25

She's ungrateful Sad

I loved hand knitted stuff for my DD ( 6 ) and my mum knitted beautiful bonnets!

I'd give them to a local hospital or charity shop.

creepypenisreaper · 26/10/2013 19:25

Look on the bright side, if she hadn't been honest about how she felt, then they'd be in a box somewhere not being used. You can now give them to the charity shop or hospital where they will be gratefully snapped up x

sebsmummy1 · 26/10/2013 19:27

Gosh I would be totally delighted if any of you knitters would like to knit for me. I am TTC now and would pay obviously!! My mum is now caring for my very poorly dad and my sisters children and I know she will have no time to knit for the next one.

SatinSandals · 26/10/2013 19:27

The only good thing OP is that you are not MIL Grin so she will get over it.

persimmon · 26/10/2013 19:28

Your DD obviously feels very secure in your love for her to be so thoughtless and hurtful! My DS had piles of handknitted stuff, even from friends' mums i hadn't seen for 20 years, and i loved all of it.
I would actually mention to her that she hurt your feelings as it might fester otherwise.

Zoway · 26/10/2013 19:34

Don't be hurt! It's just fashion.

I pretended to be thrilled with the knitted cardigans. But they were just so dated and the wool was in really dated colours too.

I longed to give her a pattern for a nice long belted cardigan and some muted red wool and say knit this for ME! cos the likes of this here would cost me £120 in boden and I can get the children hoodies in Tesco for a fiver!! I never had the nerve!

It is a real skill following a pattern.

Also, obviously I'd tell my mum the truth but I just smiled and nodded as cardies were from other side.

creepypenisreaper · 26/10/2013 19:36

And remember OP, you won't be the first or last person to offer unwanted stuff. She needs to draw the line somewhere.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 26/10/2013 19:44

I love knitted cardigans on babies - send them to me!

My DM is an AMAZING knitter - she used to do it professionally - but she hasn't done any for years being into other crafts now - so DS missed out though he did have a few things from other babies - including lacy matinee jackets - so cute.

I would tell her that her response really hurt you - she may not have realised. Daughters often take pride in being VERY DIFFERENT from their mothers - I have been guilty of this on so many occasions Sad

Also, if you see a 20 something hipster or arty girl on the tube these days, 10-1 she's knitting.

toobreathless · 26/10/2013 19:49

She sounds horrible & ungrateful!

I would LOVE a gift a like that!

Even if it wasn't my cup of tea I would have been polite.

threestars · 26/10/2013 19:57

If she is only 4 months pregnant, and you have already knitted coats, cardigans and hats, could it be that she was a little overwhelmed? She may be wondering how much more you'll knit in the remaining 5 months.

Keep what you have knitted so far - she may change her mind once the baby is here. When I was pregnant with my first child I had moments of complete panic at how much my life would change, even though I'd ttc for 2 years. It's possible I would have been overwhelmed at being shown loads of baby clothes that early in my pregnancy.

I would have much preferred a knitted blanket or two. Those are things that you can keep forever and are alot more practical.

abbathehorse · 26/10/2013 19:58

Haven't read all the thread so probably repeating people, but I wanted to say that I think knitting the baby things was a lovely thing to do and your daughter should have accepted them graciously and put them on the baby when she saw you even if she didn't like them.

My MIL is a big knitter and hasn't knitted a single thing for my 10 month old. That makes me sad. I took up knitting and made her a cardi instead!

Having knitted one myself I know how much work and love will have gone into the things you made so I can imagine it would be upsetting.

Maybe you could tell your daughter how hurt you were - she may just not have been thinking.

Also tell her they're totally the in thing now! I ran into an old friend and all she could do was rhapsodise about my baby's knitted cardi - no mention of gorgeous baby within Wink

FreeWoooooooo · 26/10/2013 20:02

Not RTFT but I love knitted things for my DD! I'd rather a homemade cardi over a bought one any day. Perhaps there's a baby charity you could donate them to? Or sell them on ebay.

thegreylady · 26/10/2013 20:09

I set out toknit a newborn cardigan for dgs. I started it when dd was pregnant. When dgs was 8 months old I finished it but realised that it did't have any button holes. I didn't know how to make buttonholes so I plaited some wool and sewd loops onto the cardi. Then I sewd on dear little yellow duck buttons...which wouldn't go through the loops. By mow dgs was 1 year old (honestly) so I bought him a Teddy and dressed it in the cardi. Then I realised the dear little duckies would be dangerous if he swallowed them so I removed them. Then the cardi wouldn't fasten so I sewed on ribbon. Then I read on mn that ribbon on baby stuff was dangerous so I took it off.
I gave dgs the naked Teddy. When dgs2 was born two years later out came the cardi. I washed it and gave it to dd as a gift which was completely useless but made with love. Dgs1 claimed it and put it on the Teddy he had for his first birthday. It is still there today over seven years since it was begun with love. If it had been rejected I would have been so hurt. Your dd has been unkind.

bootsycollins · 26/10/2013 20:14

YANBU to be feeling hurt and upset Mayflower. Maybe your daughter just has an aversion to hand knitted baby clothes?. My cousins the same, she's very particular about what she dresses her baby in and hates old fashioned rompers, dungarees, hand knitted cardigans etc. my other cousin has similar taste to me and loves hand knitted clothes and blankets, smocked dresses and loves a good pre loved Ebay bargain outfit.
Knitted baby wear is BIG business, have a mooch on Ebay and see for yourself, you could start your very own knitting empire!. Crotchet blankets in pastel and bright wool are hugely popular too. I've bought loads of knitted goods as gifts off Ebay, mittens, cardigans, blankets, bootees, a Sooty, Sue and Sweep hand puppet set, gorgeous hooded aran baby cardigans.
When my dd was a baby I used to have a friend of a friend lovely knitting lady, I'd provide the wool and she had loads of lovely patterns and I'd pay per item. I don't know any knitting ladies now so that's why I'm always buying my knitted gifts from Ebay.

sneezecakesmum · 26/10/2013 20:24

What I would do is knit a gorgeous modern jacket for when the baby is over 1. Have a look at the upmarket childrens catalogues for ideas because knits ARE very fashionable right now. And then say 'I've knitted this for xyz's baby. Do you think xyz will like it?'

And don't give it too her. Ungrateful, thoughtless, cruel woman Angry

Mama1980 · 26/10/2013 20:34

I think she was very thoughtless and ungrateful but hope she is just feeling overwhelmed maybe? At only 16 weeks.
I love handmade stuff when my ds1 was born at 26 weeks obviously had nothing for him in the space of a month almost everyone I knew led by my mum had knitted amazing tiny cashmere baby soft clothes for when he could come home. I was so touched and grateful, I kept them and they also fitted my 24 week prem ds2.
Knitting is all the fashion now and my dd 16 has 'ordered' two jumpers from my mum for Christmas!

creepypenisreaper · 26/10/2013 20:46

Why is 'ungrateful' being said as a bad thing here? You are either grateful for a gift or you're not. You can't help how you feel- depends on whether you like it or not. The daughter has no control over this. I don't think she's horrible, either. But of course there will be people out there who insist that all gifts, wanted or not, should be accepted and have a fucking shrine devoted to it/ hoarded away gathering dust to save people's feelings Confused

Wingdingdong · 26/10/2013 20:51

So she hasn't had the 20w scan yet... Personally I'd have rejected anything offered before then as well, in case it was tempting fate (especially as both DC were threatened miscarriages and in fact Dc2 wasn't confirmed viable until 24w after major abnormalities on earlier scans). I hope I'd have been more gracious, but I suspect I wouldn't have been. My family wasn't allowed to mention the baby or the fact of the pregnancy until I had the last scan at 24w, and I didn't tell any friends, or my employer, till then either.

Don't do anything with them yet, it may well just be nerves on your DD's part - if she hasn't felt movement yet, or she's stopped feeling sick, or something, she may be getting a bit anxious. If it's really out-of-character for her to behave like that, don't let it ruin your relationship - she's probably feeling terrible too. If she really doesn't want them once the baby's here then I am very sure you will find a grateful recipient elsewhere!

charleyturtle · 26/10/2013 20:52

That's so ungrateful! My nan knitted me loads of baby clothes for dd when she was born (November). Dp and I loved them! Put her in them nearly all the time. It was so useful to have some cosy layers for her over the winter and she looked so cute! Some of her little dresses and jackets were the envy of my friends and they have even asked my nan if she could do a couple for their kids (and future kids).

Even if they weren't her thing she could have accepted them and poped the baby in them when they were visiting or just nipping out to the shops. I can't even count the amount of clothes we were given but didn't particularly like and ended up using anyway.

NewtRipley · 26/10/2013 20:55

Mayflower

Normally I might come out in defence of your DD but I think she has been thoughtless and lacking in the imagination to see what you were conveying beyond practicality.

My mum knitted several items for my first DS (her first GC). They were beautiful, imperfect, impractical little things. She left them in the cot before DS was born with a note saying "Knitted with more love than skill", and I still have them.

NewtRipley · 26/10/2013 20:56

It's also just plain bad manners to refuse a hand-made gift like that, whoever it's from I am quite surprised other people can't see this

NewtRipley · 26/10/2013 20:58

creepy

None of us can help how we feel, but we can help how we behave. Unless we are toddlers