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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that a dirty/messy house does not mean you're a "Great Mum"?

234 replies

trilogyofjuniper · 25/10/2013 11:45

Aaaaaagh! All those stupid slogans. "My floors are sticky and my kitchen is messy because I'm a great mum!", etc.

No, it's because you're a slob.

OP posts:
fanoftheinvisibleman · 25/10/2013 13:40

Why do people get their knickers in a twist about other peoples houses? Confused Worry about your own, if someone else is happy to live in a shit tip it is up to them, surely.

Sharing poems or pictures of twee sayings on facebook marks you out as a bigger twat in my book than anyone with a messy or obsessively tidy house. Grin

HardFacedCareeristBitchNigel · 25/10/2013 13:41

Well as long as the children aren't having their dinner served up on the floor I can't really see why having some dusty toys in the corner of the room is such a traumatic issue.

My best friend has always lived in a complete chaos tip. I have no doubt whatsoever that her children are fed and cleaned in perfectly sanitary conditions.

I've tried living in an Ideal Home level of cleanliness and order. I spent my whole time tidying up after the other residents, cleaning, fluffing, preening and organising. It got to the point where I wouldn't let anyone clean their teeth in the basin as they would make it dirty. I cleaned my teeth in the bath as I didn't want to ruin my hard work polishing the basin to a mirror shine. It was exhausting. I made an active decision that when we moved house I would spend less time cleaning and more time doing the things I wanted to spend time doing.

The house is messier and the bathrooms don't look like they belong in a five star hotel but I am 100% happier and more fulfilled.

ConsideringTheFuture · 25/10/2013 13:43

I grew up in a chronically messy home. Not filth or neglect...but piles of stuff here and there, and always looking like it could do with a dust and Hoover.

From the age of about 10 I was embarrassed to bring anyone home because I realised how messy my home was compared to my friends lovely houses.

I will never put my children in that position. Being a 'slattern' or 'slob' is nothing to feel proud of. Young children don't notice. Older ones do. THEY will mind.

Mim78 · 25/10/2013 13:49

There was a sad story a few years ago about a Dad that tripped on his child's toys and fell on the child who died. I imagine that is rare, but did worry me a bit. So I guess some degree of tidiness is desirable as well as basic cleanliness.

WobblyHalo · 25/10/2013 13:51

If the children are old enough to be embarressed then they are old enough to sort stuff out. Really....

These threads always get hoards of posters saying things like, wobbly... Ooh, if anyone is looking at the state of my baking trays then fuck em! Actually, who in their right mind would expect a sparkling clean show home in any domestic property, let alone one with kids in? Toys everywhere, bit of dust, today's dishes piled up, toddler chaos generally, recent spillage in kitchen, crumbs from lunch, teetering piles of paperwork, oven not seen mr muscle in a few months is all part and parcel of family life, isn't it?

Actually my house is pretty much the way you've described. I guess I get defensive because people judge if it is not spotless. Should practice what I preach and not let it get to me. Thanks for that.

ConsideringTheFuture · 25/10/2013 13:55

If the children are old enough to be embarressed then they are old enough to sort stuff out. Really....

I disagree. Why should a child be responsible for keeping the level of tidiness/cleanliness in the home up just because the parents are lazy?

That's not to say children should not help out...but the buck stops with the parent.

HarderToKidnap · 25/10/2013 13:56

I think most children would be a bit terrified of sorting through piles of their parents clutter, too. My mum would have seen it as a slight, although we had a very clean home, and I would have bee frightened to mention it.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 25/10/2013 13:56

I think I would take age of children into account. You'd expect a pile of plastic tat strewn everywhere and jam smearings on the cupboards with toddlers, Lego models, marbles, littlest pet shop pieces every where with a primary school kid.

But I agree with the statement further down that kids do become self aware and embarrassed if their house is dirty. But at this age they should be helping with some chores and keeping their bedrooms clean shouldn't they? DS is 9 and tidies his bedroom once a week, takes his plates to the kitchen and puts them inthe dishwasher, and takes a box of toys and bits and bobs upstairs once a week.

I can live with dirty windows, but clutter does my head in. And it ruins the quality of life for me. DH shoving bills back into envelopes and leaving them in various haversacks, drawers and jacket pockets has led to us receiving fines for late payments and missing some important letters. To me outward organizational skills reflect an inward state of mind. When I look at the state of my husbands side of the cellar it makes me want to weep - he can't possibly know what is there exactly, but insists on keeping it. Another of his "essential" boxes that had to share the baby's room in our first tiny house actually contained a used dirty toilet seat!!

And I dread the question - have you seen my passport? Usually the night before we want to fly anywhere!Grin

nancy75 · 25/10/2013 14:03

A messy house is not something to be proud of, I work full time, have an 8 year old and have a very tidy house.
I manage to spend loads of time with my daughter because I tidy and clean when she has gone to bed.
Mumsnet is the only place I have ever seen people be proud of having a dirty house/unwashed children /un ironed clothes.

If you want to live in a dirty house that's up to you, but I get annoyed at being judged as a parent because I can be bothered to keep the house tidy

BackforGood · 25/10/2013 14:05

Considering the Future - er, maybe because it's their mess ?
When I bring the clean washing upstairs, I sort it out and everyone gets their pile of clothes at their door. I choose to put mine away straight away. If my teens choose to leave their clothes lying on the floor, how, in any way is that the parents' responsibility ? Confused If having a pile of clothes on the floor embarrasses them, then they can easily put them away as they come into their room next, rather than letting it build up into a 'job', but if they don't, that's not my responsibility, it's theirs.

ConsideringTheFuture · 25/10/2013 14:09

That's one very specific example...not really what I was referring to.

Should a child be responsible for maintaining the level of cleanliness in the house because they are embarrassed by it? No IMO. If it gets to the stage where your child is embarrassed by the state of their home overall, that IS 'shit' parenting.

That is completely different to asking a teenager to put a few clothes away.

HardFacedCareeristBitchNigel · 25/10/2013 14:10

Nancy - how would you feel if someone started judging you because your accepted level of clean and tidy wasn't theirs ? Not very happy I suspect. I have a crazy, anal obsession with cleaning out my fridge - you would think it over the top but conversely I would think that yours was filthy (unless you clean it every other day). I also have a fixation with putting the contents of cupboards in neat little baskets. I hope the inside of your cupboards are as neat as mine. One person's basket of toys is another person's festering pile of dusty crap.

I doubt there are many Mumsnetters living in How Clean Is Your House levels of filth. We all just accept different levels of cleanliness.

ConsideringTheFuture · 25/10/2013 14:11

Agree with nancy.

Df and I both work full time, have a 5 and 3 year old. We are both studying professional qualifications too. There is no excuse to live in a shit pit.

wordfactory · 25/10/2013 14:15

Having a spotless house does not make you a good parent.

Having a spotless house does not make you in any way superior...

It just means you prioritise that over somehting else. Or you pay a housekeeper Grin.

nancy75 · 25/10/2013 14:16

Hard faced - believe me you wouldn't think my fridge was dirty!

Like I said if people want to live in a dirty house that's up to them - but don't make out I'm a bad mum because I keep my house clean.

I don't judge when I go to other peoples houses - I judge when people come online and show off about just how untidy their house is.

ConsideringTheFuture · 25/10/2013 14:20

Who's talking about 'spotless'.

No ones talking about show home standards. Not causing your kids embarrassment and not living in constant mess, clutter and dirt does not equal spotless.

I just means you have some standards and standards for your children.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 25/10/2013 14:23

word - I'm not talking spotless, far from it (although I do have a cleaner).

Just that the whole 'oh I'm far too busy being a super-fun mum to worry about hoovering' thing really pisses me off.

ipswichwitch · 25/10/2013 14:26

our kitchen floors and cupboards are usually pretty clean but only because DS (2) gets given a wipe and he thinks its an amazing game to do a bit cleaning with me! I don't expect that to last however. Maybe that makes me a bad parent - getting a 2 year old to do cleaning for me.....

Summerblaze · 25/10/2013 14:27

Hardfaced I actually meant that I don't find it hard to keep on top of the cleanliness. Obviously other people have other things they do or see as priority that I don't and vice versa.

However, my post was answering the OP which stated that those with clean/tidy houses were crap parents as they only spent time cleaning the house and not with their DC. I was showing that this isn't always true. I clean and tidy to a certain level which I find easy so have time to spend with the DC. Others may have a house just like mine but take days to do it and spend no time with the DC. The same works for those who don't clean. Some may use their free time to spend with the DC others may use it to watch tv.

And you were judging too. I assume you think as I have a clean/tidy house, I must have no job, 1 easy child and do nothing else. In fact I have 3 DC, 1 who has SN and 1 is an 18 month old. Both my boys make more mess especially with their eating than most and I also do things for charity, am an active member of my PTA and have 2 jobs.

I couldn't give a shite what other people do but dislike the notion that I just leave my DC in a corner just because I don't have dirty [insert what you like].

My house isn't like a show house either. The DC's drag out more toys in a toy than there is in a toy shop but I tidy it. I don't like to be sat on a night but can appreciate that others don't feel the same way.

YANBU OP.

marmaladeandguitars · 25/10/2013 14:28

A house doesn't have to be spotless, but IMO, it should be a reasonably clean, comfortable place to be.

It doesn't matter whether someone has a particular thing about a spotless toilet or fridge, or if someone else feels that certain ornaments are a bit naff and unnecessary - that is just personal taste, and nothing to do with a house being so neglected that it is an unpleasant place to be, for both inhabitants and visitors.

HardFacedCareeristBitchNigel · 25/10/2013 14:28

but don't make out I'm a bad mum because I keep my house clean

I seem to have missed the post where someone said that. On the flip side, having a dirty floor does not a bad parent make.

You think your fridge is clean. I may have a different viewpoint. DH (and everyone else) thinks DMs fridge is perfectly clean. I think it's minging.

BackforGood · 25/10/2013 14:29

Thing being, Considering that is just one example yes, but my hallway is cluttered because they have left the walking boots (dd1) and football boots (dd2) they took off there last weekend, there all week, and dh hasn't done anything about the carboot cover that is waiting for him to fix. The conservatory is full of 2 trolleys (for 2 of the dcs paper rounds) 2 bikes (because it's easier to access them from there than the 'proper' shed), bags and bags of cans (that we are collecting for something my dd1 is involved in), 3 sleeping bags and 3 roll mats (airing from camp) and I could go on and on, room by room throughout the house. Personally, I'm a very organised person, and get quite depressed living in clutter, but I live with 4 other people who think it's perfectly acceptable. If any of them were embarrassed to bring friends home, it is within their remit to do something about it.
Also, although I would prefer to live in a much tidier house, I'd still forgo it to have children who are all happily involved in things (which often mean the equipment is lying about the house) than have the house looking pristine and nobody allowed to have their own 'stuff' about.

bababababoom · 25/10/2013 14:32

YABU. Perhaps some people can manage to keep the house sparkling and still spend enough time with their children, but I can't. I'm with them 24/7 and as fast as I can tidy up they make more mess. They are 6, 4 and 1 and do lots of creative activities etc. I'd rather be engaged in playing with them than tidying up after them and getting stressed about a bit of clutter, which would just make me and them miserable. I don't think I'm a good mum because my house is messy. I think my house is messy because I'm a good mum. There will be good mums out there with tidy houses; I'm not one of them.

OctopusWrangler · 25/10/2013 14:35

Having a gleaming show home doesn't make you a great parent either. Ditch the hoiked up judgeypants and live your own life.

notagiraffe · 25/10/2013 14:46

Well, our house is often a bit of a tip. I don't feel smug about it at all. In fact I can't stand it. I'd love a clean and tidy house 99% of the time, instead of 10%. But I really do spend hours of free time doing stuff with DC that makes a horrendous mess.

We get out chemistry sets, we grow herbs and tomatoes and cacti and bonsais in pots on every window sill, we cook and bake, we do loads of painting, we go out cycling or on nature walks and come back with muddy shoes and baskets of blackberries, we have several pets who shed fur, we play board games and read stacks of books together and then realise we're late for the cinema or theatre and rush out, leaving them lying around. And when they were small I used to make them dressing up clothes on the sewing machine very often, so there were always fabric scraps around.

So, the justification for an untidy house is that I am busy having fun with my DC. But they have a bath every night, and clean clothes every day. I can't stand seeing children in scruffy, torn or grubby clothes.
They also have fresh food cooked from scratch at every meal (porridge, scrambled eggs etc rather than just toast and cereal.) That takes time and makes mess, too.

I hope I am a good mum. I put far more effort into being one than I put into anything else in life. But my energy is finite and once we're done playing I really am too knackered to mop the floor, so it gets left for one more day, then one more...

In an ideal world, the house would be immaculate too, but I'm too knackered and other stuff, lots of it, has priority over housework.

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