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AIBU?

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Original poster

Yes, I am overweight, but do I need telling?

123 replies

needtoloseafewpounds · 21/10/2013 22:37

Have NC. I have been mulling this over for a while now and wonder if this is reasonable more than unreasonable IYSWIM.

FWB came over this evening. I was not expecting him until later, so when he arrived, I had my big fluffy dressing gown and fleecy onesie on.
Almost immediately, he began commenting on my weight. He does mention it regularly, but this evening, he actually said;

Are you pregnant? Because you look like you're 3 months gone. You could easily lose that weight if you tried. You eat too much chocolate. You seriously need to sort your weight out, it's only puppy fat.

Puppy fat???? I'm in my fucking 40's!!

I told him he was extremely fucking rude, and jabbered on in defence of my wobbly bits, citing 2 DC, busy lifestyle blah blah blah, but actually, I was shocked that he thought it was appropriate to mention my weight and failed to see why I was annoyed.

He actually said Why are you upset? How long have we known each other? I'm not saying you are fat, I'm just saying, for your own good, you really need to lose weight. You wouldn't suffer with aches and pains as much if you lost weight.

He knew he had overstepped the mark, because he tried to defend himself by saying he was just being a friend, telling me what I needed to hear, and that after knowing each other for as long as we have, we should both feel able to pass comment on stuff which we feel affects the other persons health.

We did not DTD and he has gone, but I am still confused.

Is it ok to mention someone's weight when you have known them a long time and you think they would benefit from losing some weight? If it is ok, why the actual fuck do I feel like shit, and quite angry?

OP posts:
Original poster
needtoloseafewpounds · 21/10/2013 22:42

His parting words were Text me tomorrow.

I'm wondering what I could possibly text, if I were to bother.

OP posts:
EBearhug · 21/10/2013 22:43

I think if you know someone well and really care about them, then yes, it is okay to mention it - but it should be done tactfully and supportively, and I don't think that really happened from what you say, especially the first part, and then dismissing your feelings.

If anyone wants to tell me I'm overweight, they'd better be prepared to come round and be a chef for me. Otherwise, they can sod off.

Wishfulmakeupping · 21/10/2013 22:45

Fwb?? Don't know that one

CoteDAzur · 21/10/2013 22:46

What is "FWB?

HulaHooperStormTrooper · 21/10/2013 22:47

friend with benefits? frog with ball?

C0ffeeN0biscuit · 21/10/2013 22:48

Some friend!
No benefit.
Fuck as in OFF

But dont listen to me! From now on i only sleep with people who have the good sense to think very very highly of me.... yes i am single but ill take that and no insults thanks

Have a glass of wine. Dont text him

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 21/10/2013 22:48

It kind of depends in a way how overweight you are.

If you were a size 8 when you first met, and now are a 14 then maybe he doesn't fancy you at that size, and wants you to lose weight for that reason.

If you are a size 20 and he is a proper friend maybe he is genuinely concerned about your health, but a bit crap about the best way to bring it up.

CoteDAzur · 21/10/2013 22:49

Aah Friend With Benefits.

Do you think he is saying this as a friend or as a selfish wanker who wants his fuck buddy to be slimmer?

HulaHooperStormTrooper · 21/10/2013 22:49

In fairness (and I say this as an overweight person) he is right. If you have aches and pains they probably get better with weightloss

Wishfulmakeupping · 21/10/2013 22:49

What coffee said

SugarHut · 21/10/2013 22:53

While he's not been particularly nice, I'd appreciate the honesty.

I have a gay best friend (only mentioning gay so you understand that I feel fine with him hoiking me in and out of outfits) who will come round early for a night out as he loves the hour or so we get ready together, clothes everywhere etc.

Typical comments would be "nope, get that off, your legs look fat" outfit 2 "you look like a 1980s throw back, god no" outfit 3 "that looks like it used to fit"....you get the idea.

His words can be particularly cutting, and sometimes I do laugh it off when it's actually hit a nerve, but deep down it's because we know each other so well that I kind of love he feels he can be so honest with me because he actually does care. He doesn't BS me, he tells it how it is. And I know that really, I did look bad in those outfits, he's being a good friend, whereas another friend might gush how fabulous I looked and let me go out looking all wrong.

Hope that made some kind of sense.... Confused

Milkjug · 21/10/2013 22:55

Of course it's not ok, and it makes not a jot of difference what dress size you are. No overweight woman doesn't know she is overweight. This sounds nakedly self-interested on his part. It sounds to me as if his desire for a friendship with benefits has an upper weight limit, and he's trying to cloak that in faux-concerned friend guff.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 21/10/2013 22:56

Are you angry because he's being cruel or because you know he's right?

Financeprincess · 21/10/2013 22:59

He sounds pernicious. Bin him. He clearly doesn't like women much. An ex-boyfriend once came over and remarked that I had "let myself go" when I'd gone from size 10 to size 12. I threw him out of the house, and he became ex from that point. You deserve better than this idiot. Lose weight if YOU want to do it. It's nobody else's business, unless you're morbidly obese and need medical help, which I doubt.

litdog · 21/10/2013 23:01

I think you're angry cos you know he's right, and whether he should have said it or not is by the by.

Having said that, I would dump him pronto. He sounds grim. I suggest you work to lose a few pounds, feel your confidence soar and then find someone nice who deserves you.

comewinewithmoi · 21/10/2013 23:01

No, it's not ok. Fwb, what benefits? Twonk. I don't care how well you know me or care about me...I know I'm fat so duck off. Hth.

Milkjug · 21/10/2013 23:01

And there's a difference, surely, between a friend being asked an opinion on an outfit for a night out, and a casual friend/lover who shows up unexpectedly early for sex, catching the OP unawares and wearing an unattractive outfit, and, unsolicited, telling her she looks three months pregnant, lecturing her on her diet, and then refusing to understand when she's obviously upset???

Darkesteyes · 21/10/2013 23:01

Agree with Finance. Would he say the same thing to an overweight male friend?

meekenough · 21/10/2013 23:03

I think if he had said 'you know loosing weight would help with those aches & pains' would be a voice of sense and concern, not
,'you look pregnant, are you pregnant? , you really do look pregnant!!!'
I think you need to do some naval gazing as corny as it sounds, is it really so desperate that you need to sleep with someone who 'mentions you're weight regularly'.

Topseyt · 21/10/2013 23:04

It is always a sticky wicket to comment on someone's weight like that. It can be a very sensitive issue (it is for me too).

I have a medical condition which has affected my weight control. I have struggled with it for all of my adult life. Comments on my size always hit a raw nerve, so I would have given him short shrift too. In fact, I think you were remarkably restrained.

For me it could mean the end of a friendship in some cases, or at least a serious cooling off.

Original poster
needtoloseafewpounds · 21/10/2013 23:05

I have known him for 20 years. A lot has changed in that time. I was in my 20's when I met him. I have had 2 DC since then.

I am 5'8 and when I met him, I was probably a size 12/14. Now I am possibly a size 16, although I bought a pair of size 16 jeans from simply be last week and spent the whole day pulling them up where they kept falling down. I spent half of the day with my knickers showing I'm sure. Grin
Now perhaps those jeans are coming up large? I know some jeans seem to come up larger than others.

I started a new job 4 months ago where I am on my feet running around all day, and this weekend, my back began to hurt. It aches more than anything, like I have pulled it.

He says I need to break into a sweat every day, and I'm clearly not active enough.

I think I have lost weight since starting this job, and said so, but of course I don't have scales to prove it.

When he talks about my weight, he is almost always referring to my stomach. No, it's not washboard anymore. I have a bit of a jelly belly going on, but as I said when I was defending myself, it's highly unlikely my stomach will ever be flat as a pancake and taut again, and I don't gorge on chocolate all day as he seems to believe.
His reply : Bollocks!!

He was trying to laugh it off when he realised he had pissed me off, but to walk into my house and tell me what I fucking eat, and tell me I look pregnant almost as soon as he walked through the door??

He did his best to back pedal before he left by saying it was the dressing gown that had padded me out. Hmm

OP posts:
Minx179 · 21/10/2013 23:06

I agree with Hula, I'm afraid. I'm also overweight, but not so much nowadays, but I know from experience that when my mum mentioned my weight/diets I'd get annoyed, because I knew she was right, but couldn't be bother to do anything about it.

DH however, rarely mentioned my weight, but was encouraging when I finally started SW.

Your FWB has touched a nerve, hence why you feel hurt and angry.

You have a choice get rid of him, or try and get rid of some weight. Or both.

Darkesteyes · 21/10/2013 23:09

What a fucking arsehole And then ppl say "oh but its women pressuring each other" BULLSHIT is it as this fucker has proven so fuckin beautifully
Id call him a cunt but he doesnt have the warmth or the depth.
Hes a walking eating disorder starter!

Minx179 · 21/10/2013 23:10

Cross posted.

He sounds lovely Hmm

WorraLiberty · 21/10/2013 23:11

He was rude as it wasn't his place to say that to you and especially when he'd just turned up looking for sex.

I'm not sure he was suggesting anything about a washboard stomach though?