Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Yes, I am overweight, but do I need telling?

123 replies

needtoloseafewpounds · 21/10/2013 22:37

Have NC. I have been mulling this over for a while now and wonder if this is reasonable more than unreasonable IYSWIM.

FWB came over this evening. I was not expecting him until later, so when he arrived, I had my big fluffy dressing gown and fleecy onesie on.
Almost immediately, he began commenting on my weight. He does mention it regularly, but this evening, he actually said;

Are you pregnant? Because you look like you're 3 months gone. You could easily lose that weight if you tried. You eat too much chocolate. You seriously need to sort your weight out, it's only puppy fat.

Puppy fat???? I'm in my fucking 40's!!

I told him he was extremely fucking rude, and jabbered on in defence of my wobbly bits, citing 2 DC, busy lifestyle blah blah blah, but actually, I was shocked that he thought it was appropriate to mention my weight and failed to see why I was annoyed.

He actually said Why are you upset? How long have we known each other? I'm not saying you are fat, I'm just saying, for your own good, you really need to lose weight. You wouldn't suffer with aches and pains as much if you lost weight.

He knew he had overstepped the mark, because he tried to defend himself by saying he was just being a friend, telling me what I needed to hear, and that after knowing each other for as long as we have, we should both feel able to pass comment on stuff which we feel affects the other persons health.

We did not DTD and he has gone, but I am still confused.

Is it ok to mention someone's weight when you have known them a long time and you think they would benefit from losing some weight? If it is ok, why the actual fuck do I feel like shit, and quite angry?

OP posts:

Darkesteyes · 22/10/2013 14:04

Less Miss you have both fat shamed and slut shamed on this thread What are you going to do for the hat trick?

Kewcumber · 22/10/2013 14:04

"turning men into silent acceptors of whatevers thrown at them" no, but then I don't think being friends means you have to accept whatever is thrown at you. But I think poked my stomach, rifled through my cupboards or quizzed my children about my eating habits is way past whatever leeway need be given to someone you're sleeping with.

I think you are also naive if you think FWB is unusual. ANd normal rules of politeness apply in my house whether we're sharing bodily fluids or not.

Also my friends are by no means all female and I'm quite aware that men can sometimes be more blunt than women. I don't believe this is an excuse for exceptional rudeness.

Particularly when according to OP he is throwing stones in a glasshouse.

Darkesteyes · 22/10/2013 14:06

I think the poster who said he wants to destroy her confidence so that she doesnt find another FWB is spot on.

Darkesteyes · 22/10/2013 14:09

DiscoBiscuitsTue 22-Oct-13 10:54:12

He is an arsehole. Ditch him.I'm also disturbed by how many posters think Fat bashing is perfectly acceptable.

It.Is.Not.

Ha! Come back in January!

LurkingNineToFive · 22/10/2013 14:26

I love these 'oh maybe he's just concerned about your health' posts. Everything in society tell us being very thin is the ideal there is no way in earth any woman who is larger than this does not know about it.
The idea you would have looked down and gone 'oh my i hadn't noticed, ill buy some celery and throw away the booze and chocolate' is ridiculous.
LTB there are plenty of men out there who would love a no strings attached set up and i bet they could even give you some lovely complements in with the deal. Most of the fun of a fbuddy is the ego boost.

Darkesteyes · 22/10/2013 14:34

LTB there are plenty of men out there who would love a no strings attached set up

Agree Lurking Thats EXACTLY what that arsehole is worried about. Thats why he thought he would destroy her confidence.
Im also wondering if he cant deal with the fact that the OP just wants him as a FWB.
The OP is not conforming to the stereotype of being in lurrrve like MissAbbs has suggested she should be. Maybe this bloke wanted her falling at his feet saying she loves him... even though he doesnt feel the same. And the fact that she hasnt has dented his ego.
Also agree that he prob wants her to look like the porn stars hes prob been looking at.

tenementmonster · 22/10/2013 14:34

you could do with losing several stone of dickhead
what a belittling arsehole

motherinferior · 22/10/2013 14:39

I used to have a boyfriend like that. Who made it absolutely clear I was a lovely person but he really couldn't fancy me because I was so fat.* I finally came to my senses and dumped him. Over the phone. While he was at work.

*I wasn't, particularly - I wasn't anorexic, and I had boobs, but I was a rather luscious 25 year old, I now realise....

WhatHo · 22/10/2013 15:00

I love these 'oh maybe he's just concerned about your health' posts well quite.

Can I just point out one more time that the OP says she is 5'8 and a size 14/16. THAT IS NOT UNHEALTHILY OVERWEIGHT. I'm not even sure it's functionally overweight - I'm 5'11 and a size 14 and my BMI is 20.

Continuing with the comparison, sure I have a wobbly tummy and I'd love to lose it, but I am most certainly not a health risk. I call massive BS on that argument.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 22/10/2013 15:26

Fucking hell what a moron. Did he really think he's that much of a catch you'd want to bother yourself shagging him after he was so rude to you?

Personally I dont comment on other peoples' appearance at all including their size unless invited to and even then I tread very fucking carefully because I wouldnt want to upset anyone. This FWB obviously doesnt much care about your feelings. As for cross examining you and your DC as to what's in your kitchen cupboards words fail me. I wouldnt and dont take shit like that off my mum ffs, let alone off some tosser I may or may not sleep with.

Original poster

needtoloseafewpounds · 22/10/2013 16:25

Just to clear up a few things, I have known this man for 20 years. We have slept together on and off, hence why I refer to him as my FWB. We don't love each other, never have and never will.
He is not the father to my DC. We have both stopped seeing each other when either of us has been in relationships with other people.

I don't feel fat, I realise I am overweight, but I wouldn't describe myself as fat. I am more of the untoned variety, although I feel I have toned up a lot more since I began this new job.

I am in my 40's. He is 10 years older.

No other man has ever passed comment on my weight before, and I have never complained to FWB about my weight. It is him who passes comment on my weight.

I have given this some thought since I first posted last night, and I think he is just rude and doesn't appear to understand boundaries imo.

He sees nothing wrong in what he does and says wrt my weight, and even asked me why I was upset. I looked at him like this when he asked me why I was upset/annoyed at what he had said.

This is not the first time he has pissed me off, but it is the first time he has been so blatant and persistent.

I have not texted him today. I honestly don't know what to say yet, but this thread has given me some ideas.

I only see him maybe once a month, sometimes less, but I don't think I will be seeing him again for a very very long time, if ever.
20 years is a long time to know someone, but I don't like what I am seeing, so there seems little point in wasting another minute seeing him.

OP posts:

Original poster

needtoloseafewpounds · 22/10/2013 16:27

I actually thought I looked ok before he came round yesterday.

Hell, I thought I had lost weight and toned up a bit!!

Obviously he doesn't agree.

OP posts:

harticus · 22/10/2013 16:32

He knew what he was doing OP - he intended to wound and upset you. Some men do this kind of thing because it gives them a sense of empowerment. Picking on a woman's insecurity is the oldest trick in the book - it is like pulling pigtails in the playground.

He is a prick. You really don't need him in your life however long you have known him.

Fugacity · 22/10/2013 16:33

The OP protests too much

DevilsRoulette · 22/10/2013 16:46

So what?

Even if she was so fat she had to be winched onto the loo, if the bloke didn't like it, he should look elsewhere for a no strings attached fuck instead of prodding her in the belly, cataloguing her cupboards, demanding corroboration from her kids and laughing at her.

She doesn't owe him any sort of body. If he doesn't like what's on offer, he goes somewhere else.

lifeissweet · 22/10/2013 18:07

Fugacity - what on Earth is that supposed to mean?! She's been really honest! She says her stomach isn't as flat as it once was. She has posted her flippin' height and dress size - I don't hear her protesting at all?

What I read is a woman who is pretty confident, who is getting pissed off with this bloke's attempts to make her feel shit about herself.

Who's bloody perfect? My DP has awful teeth. Not in that they are unhealthy and need pulling out, but he has smoked in the past, they are a bit yellow and he could really have done with some orthodontic treatment in childhood to straighten them out. Is this an issue for me? No. Would I ever pass comment about this to him? No. Because it would make him feel bad about himself and I wouldn't want that in a million years. He has nothing to feel bad about. So what. His teeth aren't perfect.

I have big calves. I can be as thin as a rake and my calves are out-of-proportion and huge.

Would DP ever pass comment on this? No. It's not important - and there's nothing I can do about it, so passing comment is going to help no one and make me feel like crap.

We accept each other's imperfections because we care enough not to make the other one feel bad.

I wouldn't want to sleep with anyone who didn't have even that level of respect for me. It's unnecessary.

Darkesteyes · 22/10/2013 22:21

When i met my ex OM i had loose skin on my tummy from weight loss. Did he mention it or criticise. No Only that he loved me and my body and we had amazing sexual chemistry.
I WILL NEVER tolerate a lover who did something like what he did to you OP NEVER Id sooner treat myself to the poshest vibrator i could find.

LessMissAbs · 23/10/2013 09:36

Darkeysteyes Less Miss you have both fat shamed and slut shamed on this thread What are you going to do for the hat trick?

Oh God knows what cliché you will tell me I've transgressed next. Perhaps you could give me a list of subjects Which Must Not Be Spoken Of, and then I will amend my ways? Must not speak about the post title being one, presumably?

kewcumber I think you are also naive if you think FWB is unusual. ANd normal rules of politeness apply in my house whether we're sharing bodily fluids or not

Not naïve, just realistic - most women I know get fed up of men who just want sex with no commitment eventually. The OP seems to be reaching that stage. I don't actually have any female friends who would want a 50 year old control freak who wants a quick shag, but maybe they don't talk about it. I've plenty of friends who criticise that type.

But I still don't see any problem in a lover commenting on weight. My DH would probably comment if I put on a couple of stones, as I would do to him. Its pretty normal observation in a healthy relationship and to assume its a taboo subject for everyone is breathtaking. Alternatively you get couples who don't comment on it at all. That too is healthy. But I don't think you can dictate what a person can speak about. What you can do is dump someone. I know some mumsnetters would like to think themselves the thought and speech police, but theres no way of enforcing that in real life.

DevilsRoulette · 23/10/2013 13:31

How you raise something also matters.

He poked her belly, interregated her kids, inspected her cupboards and sneered at her.

Do you think that that is ok? For a casual shag or for someone you are in a relationship with? Leave aside the belief that it is ok for a lover to tell you that you are too fat, do you think that the way he did it was ok? That it was ok for him to question her kids about her food intake? That it was ok for him to prod her like a piece of meat? That it was ok for him to look through her cupboards for evidence she had things he considered to be fattening? That it was ok for him to sneer when she tried to explain why she had them? That she felt she had to explain?!

FairPhyllis · 23/10/2013 15:04

He doesn't sound like a friend, let alone a FWB.

Lazysuzanne · 23/10/2013 15:49

I like the idea of this kind of long running fwb set up Needto, but this bloke is on very thin ice!
He'd do well to realise what side his bread is buttered on, I very much doubt he'll find a queue of women 10 years his junior happy to be fwb with him!

PrimalLass · 23/10/2013 15:55

Why on earth would you want to have sex with such an arsehole?

Darkesteyes · 23/10/2013 16:46

Exactly Devils The way he did it was emotionally abusive. And could well have triggered an eating disorder.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5