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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Yes, I am overweight, but do I need telling?

123 replies

needtoloseafewpounds · 21/10/2013 22:37

Have NC. I have been mulling this over for a while now and wonder if this is reasonable more than unreasonable IYSWIM.

FWB came over this evening. I was not expecting him until later, so when he arrived, I had my big fluffy dressing gown and fleecy onesie on.
Almost immediately, he began commenting on my weight. He does mention it regularly, but this evening, he actually said;

Are you pregnant? Because you look like you're 3 months gone. You could easily lose that weight if you tried. You eat too much chocolate. You seriously need to sort your weight out, it's only puppy fat.

Puppy fat???? I'm in my fucking 40's!!

I told him he was extremely fucking rude, and jabbered on in defence of my wobbly bits, citing 2 DC, busy lifestyle blah blah blah, but actually, I was shocked that he thought it was appropriate to mention my weight and failed to see why I was annoyed.

He actually said Why are you upset? How long have we known each other? I'm not saying you are fat, I'm just saying, for your own good, you really need to lose weight. You wouldn't suffer with aches and pains as much if you lost weight.

He knew he had overstepped the mark, because he tried to defend himself by saying he was just being a friend, telling me what I needed to hear, and that after knowing each other for as long as we have, we should both feel able to pass comment on stuff which we feel affects the other persons health.

We did not DTD and he has gone, but I am still confused.

Is it ok to mention someone's weight when you have known them a long time and you think they would benefit from losing some weight? If it is ok, why the actual fuck do I feel like shit, and quite angry?

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 22/10/2013 10:22

I think it's amusing when people feel they have a duty to tell overweight people that they're fat. You think they don't know? You think what you're saying is going to act as some lightning bolt that will immediately spur them into action?

Fat people know they are fat!

Kewcumber · 22/10/2013 10:28

Sarah Millican:

"If you lost a stone we could go out"
"Only if the stone was my fucking head"

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 22/10/2013 10:40

Why the fuck are you allowing someone to poke your stomach, laugh at your food cupboard contents and accuse you of overeating? Where are your fucking boundaries? Where is your self esteem? nobody has the right to talk to you like that. I'll accept weight advice from a health professional and at a push, a partner, if it's done sensitively and kindly. This dickhead has no place talking to you like this. Please tell me you won't see fuck him again?

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 22/10/2013 10:43

Maybe I should cut down to one meal every 2 or 3 days

Don't be ridiculous

DiscoBiscuits · 22/10/2013 10:54

He is an arsehole. Ditch him.I'm also disturbed by how many posters think Fat bashing is perfectly acceptable.

It.Is.Not.

Let's be very clear about this - fat people KNOW they are fat. Unless you are a health care professional being asked for advice on someone's weight then it is none of your business to comment on another persons weight. Or any other part of their appearance or anatomy. Fat shaming does nothing but increase self hatred and destroy self worth. It does not encourage weight loss or 'give people a kick up the bum". It is totally counter productive and damaging.
Stop it people.

LessMissAbs · 22/10/2013 11:00

I think YABU. If he is shagging you, it seems reasonable to comment on whether or not you are still attractive to him. Presumably he's not going to shag you if you are totally unattractive to him. And you are sticking your head in the sand if you think being overweight doesn't affect attractiveness. I'm not saying there aren't people who find it attractive, or people who look attractive fat, but I don't think putting fatness in a special category of its own that mustn't be mentioned is realistic, when someone might comment on other things that would make someone unattractive, such as poor personal hygiene, bad teeth, etc..

If you have a FWB situation with him, you can hardly expect him to pussyfoot lovingly around your feelings. That's what a proper boyfriend or partner would do, not a FWB. Its up to you whether this is a dealbreaker for you or not.

lifeissweet · 22/10/2013 11:03

Fuck's sake, people. Being a little overweight (not obese, as the OP's description suggests she's clearly not) has never been proved to damage health in the way that smoking or drinking to excess does. So why so people feel it's their responsibility to point it our or insist that people. ''Must lose weight'?

If you don't like being fat, don't be fat. If you don't like other people being far then, unfortunately, there is nothing you can so about it as people will be how they are regardless of your judging.

OP, don't waste your time with someone who criticises your body while simultaneously wanted sex with you. He's an arse.

Kewcumber · 22/10/2013 11:03

you can hardly expect him to pussyfoot lovingly around your feelings - yes, you can. If he wants a shag.

lifeissweet · 22/10/2013 11:05

There you go - another one?! My attractiveness is no one else's business but mine and my DP's. This man is not in a proper relationship with the OP. They are duck buddies. He has no responsibility or right to tell her how she should look. Teeth, clothes, hair, weight... None of it.

lifeissweet · 22/10/2013 11:06

Duck buddies QUACK!

chirpchirp · 22/10/2013 11:12

He pokes my stomach when he makes comments usually, whilst saying You could get rid of that really easily if you tried. It's only puppy fat.

Next time he does this (if you unwisely decide ever to let him touch you again) poke him back and tell him not as easily as you could get rid of him.

YANBU, he's a twat.

specialsubject · 22/10/2013 11:12

wow. This kind of thing usually comes up with a woman posting about her husband or partner, and my response is: 'and the reason you have sex with this man is....'

you feel angry because you are being treated as a prostitute, without even getting paid. Improve your self-esteem in seconds by forgetting about this clown.

whether you need to lose weight is a separate issue. But please, never see this man again.

DevilsRoulette · 22/10/2013 11:14

Or he could just end the arrangement.

He's not doing her a favour by shagging her. Even using the term shagging her rather than saying they have sex implies he's in some way helping her out! it's supposed to be a mutual thing. If it's not working for him, he can just stop doing it.

What he can't do is poke her in the stomach, sneer at her, check through her cupboards, call her a liar and question her children on what she eats. All so that her body is the most satisfying it can be for him.

I mean, seriously, who the hell does he think he is? If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to go round.

thebody · 22/10/2013 11:23

so you have shagged this man for 20 years. sorry not read the whole thread but assume he isn't the father if your children?

so you are friends who shag but not your Bf?

I think his remarks about your weight are on a par with your feelings about each other really. sex without love or comittment.

that's what you think kids do isn't it? but you guys must be in your 30s at least.

he sounds horrible and treating you like an unpaid prostitute and I just don't see what you get from this.

harticus · 22/10/2013 11:27

If he is shagging you, it seems reasonable to comment on whether or not you are still attractive to him

What a charming and delightful world you live in.

HumpdaySelfie · 22/10/2013 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatHo · 22/10/2013 11:37

Can I also point out that if you are 5'8 and a size 14/16 in your 40s and after two children, you are hardly an obese monster? Are you even overweight? I'd put your BMI at about 24 with those statistics, high end of average.

If he is constantly digging at your weight and making you feel awkward then I suggest this is a deliberate challenge to your self-confidence - he is trying to make you feel less confident so you don't find another FWB, probably because he isn't that confident about himself. And let's face it, it wouldn't be hard for you to find another FWB, being as you are NOT A HEFFALUMP.

Going through your cupboards and interrogating your kids about your eating habits. That's extremely odd, controlling behaviour.

I don't often say this but LTB frankly. What's in it for you?

LessMissAbs · 22/10/2013 12:52

Harticus If he is shagging you, it seems reasonable to comment on whether or not you are still attractive to him What a charming and delightful world you live in

Well actually *Harticus, since I choose not to have a FWB but a husband and wouldn't choose to shag someone for 20 years without an actual relationship, my world possibly is rather more delightful than some.

I used the word "shagging deliberately" - its not making love, the OP was quite clear this was a Friends with Benefits situation. Its not a platonic friendship either. So the niceities that you get in a relationship don't necessarily apply and I assume FWB is based on sex and availability without the commitment, nurturing or care that goes along with an actual relationship.

MurderOfBanshees · 22/10/2013 13:01

"I think it's amusing when people feel they have a duty to tell overweight people that they're fat. You think they don't know? You think what you're saying is going to act as some lightning bolt that will immediately spur them into action? "

This utterly.

Spare the "I'm just looking out for them" faux concern, you just want to get a nasty dig in and pretend you are the better person.

Kewcumber · 22/10/2013 13:14

I have no problem with "shagging" and have had caring and loving relationships where shagging was involved We didn;t always "make lurve" just because we loved each other.

FWB can be just shagging but if you want to split hairs FWB = friends with benefits which involves all the normal care and consideration that other close friends would give.

If any of my friends poked my stomach, rifled through my cupboards or quizzed my children about my eating habits I would think they were fucking rude. If they were hoping for a shag too then I'd think they were a dimwit to boot.

WhatHo · 22/10/2013 13:18

If any of my friends poked my stomach, rifled through my cupboards or quizzed my children about my eating habits I would think they were fucking rude. If they were hoping for a shag too then I'd think they were a dimwit to boot.

this

DevilsRoulette · 22/10/2013 13:19

Unless I missed it, she never said they've been shagging for 20 years. Just that she's known him for 20 years.

Since the children she has are not his, it stands to reason that in all the time they've known each other they've been in other relationships, maybe married or lived with someone and perhaps this fwb is either a now and then thing or a recent change.

But even if they have been at it like bunnies for 20 years while she had children with someone else, it still gives him no right to inspect her cupboards, interview her children, insult her or poke her.

Farewelltoarms · 22/10/2013 13:40

If the comments are coming from a man you're sleeping with, I think the rules about being a good friend etc don't really apply.
One female friend pointed out to me that I'd put on weight when I was about 22. I weighed myself, I had (in fact, bar pregnancy, I turned out to be my heaviest ever - almost a stone heavier than I am now). It was a stressful time post graduation, growing up, etc and I hadn't really been able to keep tabs on myself. It was in fact really useful to be told this and she did so in such a way that it was clear she had my best interests at heart. I stepped my exercise and felt all the better for it.
The only other person to have done so, in his case repeatedly, was an evil wanker I went out with. I'm 5'7" and I weighed what I do now, about 10 stone. So many digs about 'do you really want that pudding?', 'I won't fancy you if you fat' etc. In retrospect, it was all to do with a) his erectile dysfunction - I think he wanted to apportion blame and b) his revulsion towards his obese sister and c) self-revulsion - he was a bit of a chubster himself.
I chucked him and he moved onto physical violence, the resort of the stupid and weak.
Not saying this of your FWB, but I do think that the issue is very muddied when you're sexually involved.

bragmatic · 22/10/2013 13:46

I vote rude. Generally speaking people know if they're overweight or not. They of they need to lose a few pounds. They don't need to be told, especially immediately prior to jumping in the sack.

Is he good in bed? He'd want to be, if you're going to keep him.

LessMissAbs · 22/10/2013 13:47

I don't know Kewcumber its one of these posts on mumsnet, where the OP describes an unusual situation which is known to create problems of the type she is describing, and then expects to be treated as if it is a standard situation to which the usual rules apply.

I don't really subscribe to this turning men into silent acceptors of whatevers thrown at them, never being able to comment, except in a very nice, feminine manner. I don't think that really works in real life. On the whole.

I do think having sex with someone changes the rules that apply to normal friendships, and I don't think normal rules of politeness and consideration borne out of love apply to FWB situations. While some of them might be nice and polite all the time, others might not see that as a rule that applies.

Maybe the OP would be better to find a man who she wants to have sex with who loves her?

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