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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be concerned about my friend giving birth in the USA?

802 replies

YoniGetAnOohWithTyphoo · 17/10/2013 22:16

My friend 'P' got pregnant by an american citizen (unplanned, on holiday kind of thing...) anyway, cut a long story short: he has said that whilst he isn't interested in her (and much less in coming over to the UK to play happy families), he, and moreover his mother, seem very keen for P to come over and give birth in the US, all expenses paid.

Whilst this seems like a nice gesture on the face of it, i'm a bit worried. Notwithstanding the fact that P seems to honestly think she's gonna fly to the USA alone at about 35 weeks pregnant (don't they have rules about this sort of thing?) with all the suitcases in tow, if a baby is born in the USA i'm worried it will be an 'american citizen' and as such, won't just be allowed to fly back to the UK. Do any mumsnetters know about this?

I'm haven't said much yet because I don't want to hurt her feelings or scare her, I know at the end of the day it's her choice... but I can't help thinking she hasn't thought this through. What do you guys think?

OP posts:
BlameItOnTheBogey · 21/12/2013 22:02

OP as others have said, she needs to get the ball rolling now on her travel docs. Virginia is covered, I think, by the British Embassy in Washington DC (not by one of the Consulates). I think the best you can do now is strongly encourage her to get in touch with them. The details are:

British Embassy Washington
3100 Massachusetts Avenue, NW
Washington DC 20008
USA
Email
[email protected]

Enquiries
+1 202 588 6500

RenterNomad · 21/12/2013 22:05

Yes, if she gets banned from the US for visa irregularities, couldn't that make Canada and Mexico tricky to get into, too...?

Sallyingforth · 21/12/2013 22:58

Betting banned from the US means she couldn't visit her child.

I don't think future visits to Canada or Mexico figure very largely in her priorities at the moment.

Chunderella · 22/12/2013 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RenterNomad · 22/12/2013 13:37

I doubt she could "go to Canada and sli over the border", as the Americsns are wise to that sort of stunt.
I actually meant it could be tricky to go to Canada, which is a nice country, worth going to on holiday!

Womnaleplus · 22/12/2013 13:41

This is like watching a slow mo car crash :(

nauticant · 22/12/2013 13:47

Especially since before the friend went driving, loads of people said to her "driving conditions are extremely dangerous out there, if you go out you'll very likely have a crash and you could be very badly hurt". Tragic.

Chunderella · 22/12/2013 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NatashaBee · 22/12/2013 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShinyBauble · 22/12/2013 18:32

Your friend may come back OP, but I highly doubt anyone in the UK will get to meet her baby.

She sounds like the most naive 28 year old in the world. Is it possible he secretly paid her to keep and have the baby? It's the only thing that makes sense.

lljkk · 22/12/2013 18:38

What are P's sisters' doing about the situation?

RenterNomad · 22/12/2013 19:00

I believe the US and Canada share information about travellers bound to either country: you have to submit passport and other info to the airline before travelling.

princessalbert · 22/12/2013 20:31

I wondered the same as above.

What are her family's views on what is going on?

nauticant · 22/12/2013 20:39

Most likely they're feeling desperately powerless at the fact that their child has walked into a nightmare when it had great big NIGHTMARE signs all over it.

Sharaluck · 22/12/2013 21:03

Yes they may be feeling powerless but things seem highly likely to get much worse if no one goes over there and forces P to get some legal advice. I don't understand it to be honest. In some ways I am grateful for my very blunt insensitive family as this would never happen.

nauticant · 22/12/2013 21:22

Suggesting that the friend's family have failed/are failing her is a bit of a leap.

Original poster
YoniGetAnOohWithTyphoo · 22/12/2013 21:37

Hi all,

Right i've caught up now...

RE: health visitor, she may not have a health visitor in name as such but she certainly has some woman who has been assigned to her, (perhaps a midwife?) who has put her in touch with other similar women - verified by the fact I have seen her talking to new friends who definitely seem to be expats (talking about cadbury chocolate and hobnobs lol!) on facebook.

After all this stress I have come to the conclusion her family are, to put it bluntly, as dumb as she is. They say things like 'oh yes we would prefer it if P was in the UK too, but we have to support her in whatever she does'. they don't seem to understand that 'supporting her in whatever she does' is not the same as 'standing by silently as she walks into a trap'. Besides, the baby is now family too! They make me a bit angry tbh, me and my other friends who are involved in this 'P's welfare concern group' wonder why we are the ones who have to do all of this. Mind you, if she didn't even tell her family about getting married, we can't be surprised or complain she hasn't told us the full truth either. I suspect her family (who are quite religious btw) are hoping also that the fairytale comes, because 'P is in the USA with her husband and baby' sounds much better than 'P is living at home as a single mum after getting knocked up in New York' down at the church group coffee mornings I guess Hmm

To answer some other questions raised:
1.As for flying out there, I would do it tomorrow but I simply can't afford it.

  1. The reason why P didn't get on the first plane back home is that a) she was already 36 weeks pregnant and b) his family paid for the tickets...

Thank you all for the helpful info re: embassies, paperwork etc. I will raise it when I message her tomorrow and I will also have a little dig for more info (though it might not be very easy. I have a feeling babydaddy and MIL are keeping a close eye on who is talking to her). Like all of you I am mostly concerned with making sure she has all the paperwork in plae/the ball rolling to make sure that baby comes back with her at the end of january - she doesn't have long at all.

OP posts:
nauticant · 22/12/2013 21:40

I think I'll take back my comment Sharaluck!

MimiSunshine · 22/12/2013 21:45

I suspect that if when P comes home without baby, her family will be outraged and shocked giving it all the "how has this happened, how could he do this?"

I hope it all works out I really do, but it just seems rediculous that his family would fly her out there for any other reason than to keep the baby. Of course they could be as crazy as her and her family and genuinely thought it was just a nice thing to do in which case they're made off each other.

Make sure she has a list of the things and forms she needs him to sign in order to get home, she sounds like someone who'd just let hi. Tell her what's needed

Lighthousekeeping · 22/12/2013 21:48

She sounds like she's enjoying herself making friends etc. has she said anything about being scared and worried? I may have missed that.

Lighthousekeeping · 22/12/2013 21:49

Ps how has she managed to make friends so quickly it doesn't seen like five minutes ago since she went,

HappyAsASandboy · 22/12/2013 22:10

I have been following this situation but haven't posted yet.

I think the most practical thing you could do is to find out (from the US embassy in London? Online?) what exactly she needs to have in her hand to leave the US legally with her baby. I think the path I least resistance for the baby's dad and MIL would be to convince your friend all is fine and she has his permission to leave, take her to the airport check her in all friendly and smiley and then ask for the baby. The airport staff won't get involved with her subsequent reaction, and immigration will push her (maybe they can enforce?) that she take the flight she's booked on.

By following that 'last minute' plan, they don't have to deal with a desperate woman living with them and the potential that she'll get support/find a legal work-around.

I really don't think they'll give her any warning at all that they intend the baby to stay with them :(

Sharaluck · 22/12/2013 22:11

Op whatever happens you need to ensure P knows how serious it is to overstay her visa.

What I think will happen is she will continue being an ostrich and run out of time to organise baby's passport, travel permission, custody arrangements etc and will be deported.

She needs to know that even if she runs out of time she needs to leave, baby can be "looked after by mil and husband Hmm and she can sort out visas/custody later and return"

She will lose the rights to visit the us (and baby) if she overstays.

Do you think she will understand the gravity of overstaying?

Sharaluck · 22/12/2013 22:19

Yes I agree 'happy' they wont give her an indication at all, much easier for them to carry on and let the days pass by. Say yes yes and then all of a sudden 6 weeks are up, and either baby suddenly can't go on the plane as they 'forgot' some detail or immigration turns up at the door (saves husband from forking out for another plane ticket :(

princessalbert · 23/12/2013 08:10

Oh, sandboy that sent a shiver down my spine.

Of course, we don't know the true situation, but i do agree that it would be a slick way for the father and mil to gain a baby.

I have no suggestions, other than you keep in contact with P, OP.