to be concerned about my friend giving birth in the USA?

[YoniGetAnOohWithTyphoo]

My friend 'P' got pregnant by an american citizen (unplanned, on holiday kind of thing...) anyway, cut a long story short: he has said that whilst he isn't interested in her (and much less in coming over to the UK to play happy families), he, and moreover his mother, seem very keen for P to come over and give birth in the US, all expenses paid.

Whilst this seems like a nice gesture on the face of it, i'm a bit worried. Notwithstanding the fact that P seems to honestly think she's gonna fly to the USA alone at about 35 weeks pregnant (don't they have rules about this sort of thing?) with all the suitcases in tow, if a baby is born in the USA i'm worried it will be an 'american citizen' and as such, won't just be allowed to fly back to the UK. Do any mumsnetters know about this?

I'm haven't said much yet because I don't want to hurt her feelings or scare her, I know at the end of the day it's her choice... but I can't help thinking she hasn't thought this through. What do you guys think?

Yes, US healthcare is different from the NHS. I don't want to get into a debate about it. Nor about over-medicalized births (which ain't necessarily so), c-section rates, etc.

Tricare, the military health insurance system, is excellent. The doctors and hospitals are good as is the referral system for specialist care. If she does wind up here and gives birth at a -whispers- military hospital, she will have good care. Dare I say, just as good as on the NHS.

If she didn't marry, she won't get Tricare. She could be liable for a sum between tens of thousands to hundreds of thousands (or more), depending on how the birth goes and the treatment she needs. Assuming that the father's family will pay this kind of sum because they say they will is naive at best.

If she did marry, did so illegally and so cannot get a visa, she'd have to enter the country as a tourist - very unlikely to be permitted by US border control when she is that pregnant and with baby's father in the USA.

If she did marry and did so legally and can get a visa in time to make the trip by 35 weeks, I'll be very surprised, because I went through that process and know how long it takes. I married at the beginning of March 2009 and got my visa in October. If she married legally and goes as a tourist because her spousal visa is not yet through, she WILL have to leave the country after 90 days, while her baby remains behind.

Considering this chap is apparently a legal professional, won't he have looked into the legitimacy of any marriage between him and P?

OP I still think its worth one last push. Don't tell her that you stalked his fb page (which I would have definitely done as well) and suspect she's married him.
Just email her the links you've been given and say you are still worried as she definitely isn't covered unless she is married to him, there's no middle ground and only back & white.
Tell her that even if they had somehow got married already, that still doesn't mean she could just up and leave with the baby and verbally agreeing or not he could still put a block in place to stop the baby leaving especially if he falls in love with little one but still maintains that they aren't in a real relationship.

It could all be fine but it just doesn't feel right, who else on earth would suggest to a woman she travels heavily pregnant and gives birth in a foreign country because they can't get time off? I mean really? It's nuts

I feel for you OP, you are trying to do your best by your friend and it seems she won't take your good advice, and the completely on point advice from everyone else here.

I am American, married to a British man. I also live in VA, so can imagine this military guy is based either in Quantico, Fort Belvoir or Andrews Air Force Base, all close to here. He sounds like an abusive ass and very reminiscent of my ex BF, a marine.

Is she so nuts that she thinks she is going to come to the US and live in a big house, with a yard and the picket fence? She'll be coming here to a cheap apartment in the suburbs completely cut off from all she knows. This guy wants to marry her so he has LEGAL access to the baby and he will get it if she continues on this insane plan. Your friend will have nowhere to live and will be faced with leaving the country after 90 days since she has nowhere to live or getting married to him and think he is going to fall in love with her (Not).
Both of them are living in cloud cuckoo land as brits you say.

I am just in shock that someone can be so guilible.

P.S. If this guy says he's not interested in her, only the baby, he would not pay the $900 in fees associated with getting her a visa here. She also needs to submit her fingerprints and photos. Has she done all this without telling you?

OP, I think all you can do now is keep your fingers crossed or pray things don't work out disastrously and by some stroke of luck things work out OK for your friend.

More likely I suspect you will be picking up some pretty ugly pieces when it all goes wrong

Sorry if its been said before but is there anyway you can link her to this thread? Yes, she will probabaly go mad that you have 'discussed' this so honestly, but at least it would show her how vulnerable she is making herself and her child.
I feel sorry for her to be honest. Sound like she wants to do 'the right thing' but is not realising what could so easily happen. She's lucky to have you as a friend, i think she's going to need you in jan.

I know it's not the same but this story was on our local news and I think illustrates just how ruthless US immigration is. Maybe she should read this ...

www.theguardian.com/world/2013/oct/27/barack-obama-clemency-briton-deported-us

That's awful, paddy.

A bit daft of him not to get US citizenship sorted when he was younger, but still...... And it seems he has no relatives in the UK?

I'm guessing that in this man's case common sense may eventually prevail. At least the guy has genuinely been a legal resident in the US and has a bona fide marriage to a US citizen. Yet he's still had to go through this awful experience!!!

I don't think the woman in the OP would have a leg to stand on - ever!

Quick update guys (i'll reply again in a while after i've caught up with the thread).

Unfortunately, P has now both flown to, and entered the US, successfully. She is now staying at baby daddy's house until the birth. We are now just waiting to see what happens once the baby is born. Sorry I don't have better news for you all

Oh and marriage has now been confirmed after I backed her so far into a corner RE: tricare that she pretty much couldn't deny it anymore. So i'm guessing she must have done it on a tourist visa then left the US. But i'm sworn to secrecy about it (I'm only sharing it on here because I don't think it will be traceable, and all our friends have already basically come to the same conclusion by themselves). She didn't even tell her mother, but babydaddy let it slip to her. I'm beginning to think I never knew P at all.

I feel ill thinking about your friend.

I hope we're all being paranoid and everything works out fine.

Oh dear. It's not going to end well is it?

. You did what you could. She will certainly be suffering the consequences of her actions for years to come, even if she ends up happily married to this "I'm only interested in the baby, not you" American man. I am happily married to my American husband, but I am very aware of the pressures on our relationship created by the possibility of having to leave my US child behind in the event of a divorce. I would, I think, have a very different relationship with him if he were a British citizen (like me). And we're very happy together.

Incidentally, it's perfectly legal to enter the US on a tourist visa in order to get married. In fact, certain states tout it as a tourist attraction (think Las Vegas). I did it myself: in an out within 4 days, in order to be legally married under the laws of the US, in order to apply for a Green Card from abroad (which, we thought, would be the quickest thing for us. Turns out it wasn't, but that's another story).

We can but hope that P's DH turns out to be a decent man, and does the right thing by his wife and child.

Oh hell OP :( What a nightmare situation. You did all you could though

Presumably she has re-entered on the bias waver programme...what does she think is going to happen when the 90 days is up? And did I read this right: He's a JAG? She is so fucked if he's planning on baby staying in the US.

I sort of wish I hadn't read this, it's actually terrifying. I hope all our fears our unfounded - but it doesn't look good does it?

OP I think you've been a fantastic friend. But you need to stop letting this drag you down now, it isn't good for your health at all. :(

I really hope this works out for your friend but like you, I suspect this may end very badly for her.